The holidays
are finally over. This results in a change
in commercials. The tidal wave of
political ads is gone as are the holiday ones.
Even the Medicare renewal ads have run their course, giving us a break
until Valentine’s Day. All that is left
are the cold gray days of winter. I am
using fishing as a theme this week because well, why not? Enjoy.
Where did
the fisherman and mermaid meet? On line.
Why did
the fisherman put peanut butter into the sea? To go with
jellyfish.
I have
always admired fishermen. They are reel men.
Don’t know
why my fishing buddy is worried about the coronavirus. He never catches
anything.
I tried
eating a clownfish. It tasted a little bit funny.
What did
the fisherman do at the doctor’s office after accidentally swallowing
some worms? He waited on his diagnosis with baited breath.
Two guys
are talking about fishing. One says to the other, “I am NEVER going to take my
wife fishing with me, ever again!”
“That bad,
huh,” his friend responded. “She did everything wrong! She talked too
much, made the boat rock constantly, tried to stand up in the boat, baited the
hook wrong, used the wrong lures, and worst of all she caught more fish than
me!”
Mother to
daughter advice: Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day.
But teach
a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.
Retired
colonel, talking of the good old days: “Have you ever hunted bear?”
His
grandson’s teacher: “No, but I’ve been fishing in shorts.”
A fisherman
returned to shore with a giant marlin that was bigger and heavier than him. On
the way to the cleaning shed, he ran into a second fisherman who had a stringer
with a dozen little sardines63. The second fisherman looked at the marlin,
turned to the first fisherman, and said, “Only caught one, eh?”
Jim got up
bright and early one weekend and headed to the local river. He fished all day
long but didn’t catch a thing. On the way home, he stopped at the fish market.
“I want to
buy the three biggest Steelhead you’ve got,” he said to the owner.
The owner
starts to bag up his order when Jim says, “No need for that, just throw them at
me.”
“Why would
I do that?” the owner asked.
“So I can honestly
tell my wife that I caught three fish today!”
A woman is
walking on a beach in Texas carrying two Redfish in a bucket. A game
warden walks up and asks to see her fishing license.
“I don’t
have a fishing license,” says the woman.
“You know
it’s illegal to fish without a license, right?” asks the warden.
“I wasn’t
fishing, officer. These Redfish are my pets.”
“Your
pets?”
“Yes,
officer. They like a little exercise, so when the weather’s fine, I take them
to the water and let them swim around. Once they’re done, I give them a whistle
and they jump back into my bucket, and we head home.”
The officer
isn’t buying a word of it, so the woman says, “Don’t believe me? Watch!” and
she throws the fish into the sea.
The warden
waits for a minute then says, “Alright, now whistle to your fish and make them
jump out of the water.”
The fisherwoman
turns to the officer and says, “What fish?”
Chuck had
been out on the ice all day without seeing a single fish. Not even a nibble. He
decides that today’s not the day and starts to pack up, when this old guy walks
up.
Without
saying a word, he cuts a hole a few feet from Chuck and immediately catches a
fish.
The old
guy coughs, baits his hook, and within seconds, there’s another fish on his
line. This happens two, three times within as many minutes.
Chuck
can’t believe his eyes. He’s been out here all day without seeing a single
fish. He walks over to the man and asks, “What’s your secret?”
“Woohattakipowrmwm”
the old man answers back.
“What did
you say?” replies Chuck.
The man
looks over, spits out a mouthful of worms on the ice and says, ”You have to
keep your worms warm.”
Enough
with fishing jokes. Here are a few
random leftovers.
The US may
stop minting pennies but that wouldn’t make any cents.
fly
Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
Is there
such a thing as slutty olive oil?
All great
literature is only one of three stories: A man goes on a journey; a stranger
comes to town and Godzilla versus Megashark – Leo Tolstoy
Change is
inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Green
beans are the most Zen of all the vegetables because they’ve found their inner
peas.
In
skydiving they say you never have to worry about a parachute malfunction
because
you have the rest of your life to fix it
A man had
not seen his twin brother since he left Australia.
They were
separated at Perth.
I received
a mind-controlled calculator for Christmas.
Not the greatest present but it’s the thought that counts.
I got
fired from my job because they said my communication skills were lacking.
I honestly
don’t know what to say.
Local
janitors have gone out on strike.
They are
demanding sweeping reforms.
I can use
either hand to put sugar in my tea.
I’m
ambidextrose.
A magician
was walking down the street and turned into a bar.
I’m a
corrections officer and all my coworkers think the prison is haunted.
No idea
what they're on about. I've been walking this beat for the last 150 years and
have never experienced a thing.
