A Relative JOW #1271

I recently went to a nice family reunion back in Pensacola.  Reunions are like parties, but with people you actually want to see, people you don’t see as often as you should except at events like funerals.  Funerals are like family reunions - minus one.  We had a full crew for this reunion and it was a lot of fun.  That got me thinking about family and family relations.   Here are some jokes in that vein.

 

What makes redneck family reunions so awkward?

Seeing all of your ex's there.

 

In Alabama they televise the World’s Largest Outdoor Family Reunion.  Most people just call it the Alabama vs Auburn game.

 

Everyone at the family reunion got food poisoning.

Runs in the family

 

A husband and wife were arguing about their families.  Finally, the husband relented.   "I'm so sorry, Sweetheart. I didn't mean all those hateful things I said about your family. As a matter of fact, I like your mother-in-law a whole lot better than I do mine."

 

Siblings: People you either plan to murder or plan a murder with.

 

Siblings: the only people who truly understand the craziness that runs in your family.

 

My sister said she was thinking about going to Europe again, like last year.

I told her I didn't know she traveled to Europe last year.

She replied that she didn't, she just thought about going.

 

What do you say to your sister when she starts crying?

“Are you having a crisis?”

 

Big sister: I make the rules.

Middle sister: I’m the reason we have rules. 

Little brother: The rules don’t apply to me.

 

My sister hates it when I invade her privacy.

At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.

 

Becoming a father is fun and easy.

Being one is a harder job.

 

How did Vader know what he was getting for Father’s Day?

He felt Luke’s presents.

 

My dad always taught me to share my toys with my siblings. It wasn’t that he wanted me to develop social skills, it’s because he was a cheapskate that wanted to spend less money on toys.

 

Boy: “Dad, can you explain a solar eclipse to me?”

Dad: “No sun.”

 

Dad told mom he wanted to keep the kids every other weekend.

The mom reminded him that they were still married, and he would have to see them every day.

 

Son: For $20, I’ll be good.

Dad: Oh, yeah? When I was your age, I was good for nothing.

 

And I will never forget what my dad said to me just before he kicked the bucket.

“Watch how far I can kick this bucket, son.”

 

My Uncle used to say, “When one door closes, another opens.”

He was a decent philosopher, but a lousy cabinet maker.

 

How do you make anti-freeze?

Take away her blanket.

 

What do you call the lion who ate your mother’s sister?

An Aunt-eater

 

My family has a tradition of placing bets on how high they can hoist my mother’s sister at family get togethers.

I keep telling them to stop as it will end in disaster, but they just keep upping the ante each year.

 

It was extremely difficult to switch off my mother-in-law’s life support system.

I had to fight the doctor, my wife, and her siblings to finally get it done.

 

The last thing my grandfather said to me was “Pints! Liters! Gallons!”
That spoke volumes.

 

And finally, a long off-topic joke.

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out.

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward, but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along?"
"Well," the woman says, "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden T-shirt. Iron Maiden is my favorite band of all time. I absolutely love Iron Maiden. "
The man can't believe it. "I saw them play Cleveland! First concert I ever went to on my own.

Naturally, they're both shocked.
"If that isn't weird enough," says the woman, "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in college, and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain, how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author"
Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here. I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature, I absolutely love Mark Twain."
They both can't believe it, this has got to be a match made in heaven.
"Ok," the woman says, "well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He knew how much my sister and I loved prunes, so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"
The man puts down his fruit, sighed and responds sadly,
"It's a date."

 

Battle JOW #1270

I have done many jokes about differences/conflicts between men and women.  It used to be called the Battle of the Sexes, but scholarly articles claim this term is wrong and hurtful since it implies men and women are so different that they cannot communicate with each other, and is hence, sexist.  Clearly these scholars are smarter than me, and everyone who has ever been in a relationship with a member of the opposite sex.  Here are some jokes about men and women trying t communicate.

 

Trying to understand women is like trying to smell the color eight.

 

Don’t bother trying to understand women…Women understand women and they hate each other.”

 

I’m trying to understand quantum physics. Because trying to understand women is too damned hard.”

 

Men and women use the same words with very different meanings,  so here is a handy translation guide.

 

The Man's Guide to Female English...

We need = I want
It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do what you want = You’ll pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
You’re certainly attentive tonight! = Is sex all you ever think about?
I’m not emotional! And I’m not overreacting! = I’ve got my period
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper ...
I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white
Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there
I heard a noise = I am having trouble going to sleep and you are asleep.
Do you love me? = I’m going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today you’re not going to like
I’ll be ready in a minute = kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I’m beautiful
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Yes = No
No = No
Maybe = No
I’m sorry = You’ll be sorry
I’m not yelling! = Yes I’m yelling because I think it’s important
All we’re going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we’re stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few purses, and those sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your wallet?

The Woman's Guide to Male English...

I’m hungry = I’m hungry
I’m sleepy = I’m sleepy
I’m tired = I’m tired
Do you want to go to a movie = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
Can I take you out to dinner? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
May I have this dance? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you
What’s wrong? = I don’t see why you’re making such a big deal out of this
What’s wrong? = What meaningless, self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
I’m bored = Do you want to have sex?
I love you = Let’s have sex now
I love you, too = Okay, I said it...we’d better have sex now!
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = $50 and it doesn’t look that much different
Let’s talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you’d like to have sex with me
I like that one better (while shopping) = Pick any frigging dress and let’s get out of here.

 

Men, here is a simple scoring system to rate interaction with your female partner.

SIMPLE DUTIES

You go out to buy her flowers: +5
But return with beer: -5

You check out a suspicious noise at night: 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it’s nothing: 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it’s something: +5
You pummel it with a six iron: +10
It’s her cat: -30

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS

You stay by her side the entire party: +1
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a drinking buddy: -1
Named Tiffany: -4
Tiffany is a dancer: -8
Tiffany has implants: -16

DATING

You take her out to dinner: +1
You take her out to dinner and it’s not a sports bar: +2
Okay, it is a sports bar: -2
And it’s all-you-can-eat night: -5
It’s a sports bar, it’s all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team: -20

GIFT GIVING

You give her a gift: +1
You give her a gift, and it’s not a small appliance: +2
You give her a gift, and it isn’t chocolate: +2
You give her a gift that you’ll be paying off for months: +30

You give her a gift, and it is a small appliance: -10
With her credit card: -30

COMMUNICATIONS

When she wants to talk, you listen, displaying a concerned expression: +2
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes: +5
You listen for more than 30 minutes, without looking at the television: +10
She realizes this is because you’ve fallen asleep: -50

And finally,

A married couple were walking through a garden when suddenly an aggressive dog ran towards them looking like he wanted to bite.  The husband lifted his wife up so the dog would bite him rather than his sweetheart.
The dog, confused, stopped before them, unsure what to do, barked a little and ran away.
The husband put his wife down, expecting a hug and a few kind words of gratitude from her.
But his wife shouted, “I've seen people throwing stones and sticks at dogs, this is the first time I see someone trying to throw his wife at a dog
Moral : No one else can misunderstand a husband better than a wife

 

 

Military JOW #1269

Most of you know that I have a military background.  There is a lot of humor in military life which is often unappreciated by civilians.  Here are some military-themed bits of humor.

 

Where are the headlights on a destroyer?    In the head.

 

Why does the Norwegian Navy put bar codes on their ships?
So when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.

 

What percentage of Naval recruits are pirates?
3.14.

 

Where does a General keep his armies?
In his sleevies.

 

Where does the army keep fish?
In a tank.

 

 Once there was a Roman army that became famous after selling milk products to people. It was Legion Dairy.

 

Did you hear that the military is considering bringing in emotional support dogs for people deployed on extended submarine tours?
They think installing subwoofers will be good for morale.

 

What’s the highest rank in the popcorn army?
Kernel.

 

Why is the Army so strict on uniforms?
To minimize casual tees.

 

ARMY+ A Recruiter Misled You

ARMY = Aren't Ready for Marines Yet, but don't worry, we'll get you trained.

 

As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an Army Base, the Drill Sergeant said, “All right! All you idiots fall out.”
As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier remained at attention. The Drill Instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with him and then raised a single eyebrow.

The soldier smiled and said, “Sure was a lot of ’em, huh, sarge?”

 

The services all have investigative services.  Applicants for this prestigious position were subject to initial interviews to determine if they were suitable candidates. 

Interviewer: “We want a person with a suspicious mind; always alert, merciless; ready to attack; high sense of hearing and most importantly; having a killer instinct. So do you think you are eligible?”
Candidate: “No sir; but can my wife apply?”

 

Military manuals sometimes have dry humor.

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it.  That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."  - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.

"Aim towards the Enemy."  - Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.  - U.S. Marine Corps

"Cluster bombing from B-52s are very, very accurate.  The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground."  - USAF Ammo Troop

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."  - U.S. Air Force Pilot Manual

"Five second fuses only last three seconds."  - Army Infantry Journal

"Any ship can be a minesweeper.   Once.”  Navy Ship Captain Manual 

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."  - Your Buddies

"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him."  - USAF Ammo Troop

"Never trade luck for skill.”  Marine Infantry Instructor

The air side has and especially funny set of admonitions: 
"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.”- Navy Fighter Pilot

"Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes on the ocean floor than submarines in the sky."  - From an old Navy Carrier Sailor

"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.” Army Helicopter Pilot Manual

"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you always have enough power left to take you to your crash site.” …. Smart Pilot

"Airspeed, altitude and brains.  Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.”   All retired Military Pilots 

"A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication.” Old Air Force Pilot

"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!” All Military Pilots

"Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries.”  All Military Pilots

"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding it or doing anything about it.”

"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you." - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)

"Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.” ……All old, retired pilots

Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air.  Do not go near the edges of it.  The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space.  It is much more difficult to fly there."……Smart and Old Pilots 

The crash truck arrives at the scene of an airplane crash.  A rescuer sees a bloodied pilot wrapped in his parachute next to the wreckage and asks him "What happened?". 

The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!"  -

 

How different military branches use the stars:

The Army sleeps beneath the stars.

The Navy uses the stars to navigate.

The Air Force chooses their hotels based on the stars.

Marines get gold star stickers after they finish eating the whole box of crayons.

 

What do soldiers do when they find a scorpion in their tent?

In the Marines, they kill the scorpion.

In the Army, they call their CO and report the presence of the scorpion.

In the Air Force, he calls the front desk and asks why there’s a tent in his room. The Navy wonders what a tent and a scorpion are.

And finally

A famous Admiral and an equally famous General were fishing together when a sudden storm hit. When it died down both renowned warriors were struggling helplessly in the water.

The Admiral floundered his way back to the boat and pulled himself painfully in. Then he fished out the General, using an oar.

Catching his breath, he puffed: “Please don’t say a word about this to anyone. If the Navy found out I can’t swim very well, I’d be disgraced.”

“Don’t worry,” the general said. “Your secret is safe. I’d hate to have my men find out I can’t walk on water.”

 

 

 

Dumb Blonde JOW #1268

 

I enjoy jokes about people doing dumb things, partly because I have been one of those people.  It used to be we would make fun of ‘other’ groups (such as Polacks), but in these more sensitive and caring times the only people we can still mock are blondes.  The term ‘dumb blonde’ is at least as old as the ‘dumb jock’ trope.  I have a few jokes with a dumb blonde theme.  Oh, and on a personal note, I passed my heart cath.  My pipes are not getting clogged; this is a good thing.

I tease blondes but frankly if common sense was lard, most people wouldn’t be able to grease a pan.

 

Why do blondes love boob jobs?

It’s the only job they’re qualified for.

 

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?

“I wonder if it’s mine.”

 

How do you confuse a blonde?

You don’t. They’re born that way.

 

What's it called when a blonde dyes her hair brown?

Artificial intelligence.

 

I asked my blonde friend why she kept empty beer bottles in the refrigerator.

She said, "They're for my friends who don't drink."

 

Brunette: "Have you met my identical twin sister yet?"

Blonde: "No, what does she look like?"

 

One blonde tells the other:
“What do you think, isn’t it the time to tell my parents I’m adopted?”

 

Two blondes are waiting at a bus stop

When a bus pulls up and opens the door, one of the blonds leans inside and asks the bus driver: “Will this bus take me to 5th Avenue?”

The bus driver shakes his head and says, “No, I’m sorry.”

Hearing this, the other blond leans inside, smiles, and twitters: “Will it take ME?”

 

A blonde shot an arrow in the air. She missed.

 

A brunette and a blonde walk in a park one morning.

Suddenly, the brunette notices a dead bird on the ground. “Awww, look at the dead birdie,” she said sadly.

The blonde stops, looked up into the sky, and said, “Where? Where?”

 

A blonde guy and a brunette girl were happily married and about to have a baby. The wife started having contractions one day, so the husband rushed her to the hospital. He held her hand as she went through a trying birth. In the end, there were two baby boys.

The blonde guy turned to his wife and angrily said, “All right, who’s the other father?”

 

A blonde guy was sitting in a bar when he spotted a very pretty young woman. He advances towards her when the bartender says to him, “Don’t waste your time on that one. She’s a lesbian.”

The blonde goes over to her anyway and says, “So which part of Lesbia are you from?”

 

A blonde asked her coworker, "Do you have any kids?"

"Yes," she replied. "I have one child that's just under two."

The blonde said, "I might be blonde, but I know how many one is."

 

A blonde girl was playing Roulette in Las Vegas. She was having a bad day and lost all her money except the last $100.
“What else am I going to do now?”, – she cried.
The man was sitting next to her and asked her:
“Why don’t you play your age?”
The girl put all her money on 29 and when 36 hit, she fainted.

 

A blonde and a brunette are having a dialogue.

Blonde: what does IDK stand for?

Brunette: l don't know.

Blonde: OMG, I’ve asked to everyone and nobody knows.

 

A blonde’s neighbor’s house was on fire, so she called 911.
The blonde told the operator, “My neighbor’s house is on fire!”.
The operator asked, “Where are you? ”
The blonde answered, “At my house”.
The operator replied, “No, I’m asking how we get there?”
The blonde said, “In a firetruck, duh!”

 

A blonde, brunette, and redhead are on the run from police and take cover in a barn. The best hiding spot available is behind large sacks of potatoes. It isn't long before the police arrive at the farm and enter the barn. As the police look around with their flashlights, the girls stay completely still and silent. A spider crawls across one of their legs, prompting her to kick it off — that made a slight noise. The police approach the sacks of potatoes, and one officer kicked a sack with his boot. The brunette says, 'Meow.'

‘Oh, just a cat’.

He kicked the next sack, and the redhead says, 'Woof.'

‘Oh, just a dog.’

He kicks the last sack, and the blonde says, 'Sack of potatoes.'

 

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead walk into a bar, and they see Jesus.
"Wow! That's really Jesus!" they say. "We should buy him a beer."
They walked up to Jesus and ask him: "Jesus, may we please buy you a beer?"
Jesus replies: "yes you may, my children."
Jesus drinks his beer and he is satisfied. In gratitude, he placed his hand on the redhead's shoulder, and said: "thank you for the beer, my child."
The redhead gasps and says: "my shoulder! It's stopped hurting! Thank you, Jesus."
Jesus turns to the brunette, he places his hand on her wrist, and he says: "thank you for the beer, my child."
The brunette gasps and says: "my wrist! It's all better! Thank you, Jesus."
Jess turns to the blonde. He tries to touch her back and he said: "Thank you for the beer, my child."
The blonde backs away from Jesus and said: "No thanks. I've got workman's comp."

 

And a couple of off topic jokes.

 

People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, nobody's laughing now.

 

A man started rubbing an old lamp he found, and a genie appeared and granted him a wish.

The man asked to make him irresistible to women.

So the genie turned him into a pair of really cute shoes.

 

 

 

Coronary Correlation JOW #1267

 Coronary disease is the leading cause of death in the United States.  That is an unusual way to start a list of jokes, but I have always try to find humor in everything.  I have even had a JOW about accountants.  Coronary artery disease is something near to my heart.  Literally.  Despite a couple of stents and effective medications I once again flunked my heart stress test so I will be getting yet another heart catheter tomorrow.  Since that is where my attention has been of late my twisted mind turned to jokes about heart issues.   I will be getting sedation for this procedure, so they gave me the standard warning. “You will be given anesthesia, so for the rest of the day, do not drive, drink alcohol or sign any legal documents.  And you should probably stay off of social media, dating apps and Amazon.”   Okay, I may have made some of that up.  Anyway, here are the jokes for this week:

 

First, one for Mike:

What causes a pirate to have a heart attack?

Something clogged their arrrrrrteries

 

I have been sending out a lot of greeting cards lately.  I guess you could call me a ‘cardiologist.’

 

There was the patient who at first resisted getting a heart transplant; then he had a change of heart.

 

Heart surgeons must exclusively work from home.

Since home is where the heart is

 

Things you will never hear a cardiologist say: “The best way to a man’s heart is through his stomach."

 

What’s the worst thing a patient wants to hear during open heart surgery?

Anything

 

‘What happened to the bear with heart problems?

It had Kodiak arrest.

 

The first thing a man looks at in a woman, is her heart.

The fact that her breasts block the view is not our fault.

 

My doctor told me I only had six months to live, so I leapt over his desk and stabbed him with his own pen.

Got me five to seven years.

 

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack.
"Help me dear," she groans to her husband.
The husband makes some calls on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt.
His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him.
"I'm dying here and you're putting?"
"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you.
"Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" she asks feebly.
"No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."

Which made me think about this golfer joke:

A recent study found that the average golfer walks about 900 miles a year.  Another study reported that golfers, on average, drink 22 gallons of alcohol over the course of a year.  That means golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon.  

 

A boss asks his employee, “Do you believe there is life after death?”
The employee replied, “Certainly not Sir, there’s no proof of it.”
The boss said, “Well, there is.  After you left office early yesterday to go to your brother’s funeral, he came here looking for you.”

 

An elderly patient became irate during a medical examination when he peaked at the doctor’s chart and saw that the doctor had written Major S.O.B. underlined at the bottom.  This sets the old guy off.  The physician stopped him in mid-rant by saying “It means Major Shortness of Breath. But now they both apply.”

 

A man’s doctor looked his patient in the eye and said that the man needed to stop masturbating,

When the man asked why the doctor said, 'I’m trying to give you an examination!’

Here is one off-topic joke.

One day, a family started hearing loud talking coming from underneath the ground in their backyard. They figured maybe the plumber who did some work yesterday left a radio down there.
They sat and listened to the talking, then realized it was mostly about climate change and UFO’s.
They called the plumber to ask about his missing radio.
“Radio? I didn’t bring a radio. Oh, I see the problem. I installed a skeptic tank instead of a septic tank.”

And finally

An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store some blood in case a need arose.
As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so the call went out.
Finally a Scotsman was located who had a matching blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.
After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW motorcycle, diamonds and a substantial sum of money.
A couple of days later, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery.
His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street chocolates.
The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated.
He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me another motorcycle, diamonds & money... but this time you only gave me a thank-you card and a box of chocolates."
To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins".

 

 

 

Weather or not JOW #1266

 I enjoy winter.  Understand that the term ‘winter’ may not really apply to east Texas, but it does get colder and kinda gray and cloudy.  But it is not sweaty and so is preferable to six months of summer here.  People in Houston take it very seriously when it freezes.  TV announcers explain about how when water gets below its freezing point will actually become SOLID!  And slippery.  Which is why whenever we get freezing temperatures, the city more or less shuts down.  I don’t mind.  Winter is supposed to be a time of staying inside and warm.  Here are a few jokes about the weather including some about global climate change.

 

I prefer cold weather.

But only to a certain degree.

 

I noticed that I make a lot of mistakes when texting in the cold. It’s the early signs of typothermia.

 

My granddad always used to say, “There is no such thing as bad weather, only inappropriate clothing.”

I say “Used to”, because he got hit by lightning.

 

When does it start to rain money?

When there is a change in the weather.

 

What's the difference between climate change and obesity?

One's a worldwide problem.
The other's a wide world problem.

 

Humans: There is absolutely nothing that can be done to combat climate change.
Mother Earth: Hold My Beer.

 

Do you know that we haven’t found a solution for climate change yet?
But we’re definitely getting warmer.

 

Climate change is getting boring

It's just not cool anymore

 

Never mind raining cats and dogs, it was raining chickens and ducks yesterday. It was fowl weather.

Don’t trust big changes in the weather.

It’s just a front.

 

Do you know a lot of people have been complaining about the weather?
They’re just afraid of change.

 

Many people don’t take climate change seriously?
It would be cooler if they did.

 

Why should we never argue about climate change?
It always turns into a heated debate.

 

Climatologist: My findings are meaningless if taken out of context.
Media: Climatologist claims “climate findings are meaningless.”

 

Name an animal unaffected by climate change?
Egyptian crocodiles because they live in Da Nile.

 

What’s the scariest part about climate change?
The atmosfear.

~~~~

It was clear and sunny when I went to town I saw a line of guys outside a barber shop.

I thought, “What a lovely day to have a barber queue.”

 

Two guys were standing in front of me while waiting in line for the pharmacy today.

One of them started making small talk about the weather, “I hope the rain keeps up!”

The other guy went, “Huh?”

“So it doesn’t come down!”

 

A couple of icebergs in Antarctica were best friends. They grew up together and have known each other since they were ice cubes.

One iceberg decides he's tired of all the cold weather, he tells his best friend he's going on a warm vacation for a couple weeks. A couple weeks pass by, and he returns to Antarctica. His best friend immediately takes notice of the amount of weight his friend lost while on vacation.
He says "you look amazing my friend, you really slimmed down! Was vacation everything you thawed it would be?"

 

Two guys from Saskatoon decide to escape the cold Canadian weather in winter and take a vacation. They go to Australia.  Sitting in a bar down under, still wearing their jackets and flannels they draw the attention of Aussies, so one gets up and approaches them.
"G'DAY mates, where you blokes from?"
"Saskatoon, Saskatchewan" one of them answers.
"Oh, alright," replies the Aussie as he returns to his table.
"So where are they from mate?" His friend asks.
"Don't know, they don't speak English."

 

A manager overheard one of her cashiers tell a customer, "We haven't had it for a while, and I doubt we'll be getting it soon." She quickly assured the customer that they would have whatever she wanted by next week.

After she left, she read the cashier the riot act.  "Never tell the customer that we're out of anything. Tell them we'll have it next week.  Now, what did she want?"
"Rain."

A man who one hand amputated explained the effectiveness of gloves.

“On one hand, they are good for cold weather.  On the other, they don't really help.”

 

Three-year-old Mathew scared his family one summer by disappearing during their lakeside vacation. More than a dozen relatives searched the forest and shoreline; everyone was relieved when he was found playing calmly in the woods.

"Listen to me, Matthew," his mother said sharply. "From now on when you want to go someplace, you tell Mommy first, okay?"

Matthew thought about that for a moment and said, "Okay. I want to go to Disney World."

 

Once upon a time there was a monastery with some hard-working and resourceful monks.  Some of them, without permission of the abbot, set up a business making and selling keys.  Unfortunately, the monks who were making the keys were a bit too high-spirited and their hijinks began to interfere with the smooth routine of the monastery. 

When the abbot found out about what was going on he put a stop to all this monk key business.

 

And finally,

A lawyer was interviewing a doctor about the death of a patient.
“When you examined the patient, did you check his pulse?” asked the lawyer.
“I didn’t,” said the doctor.
“And did you listen for a heartbeat?” said the lawyer.
“No, I did not,” the doctor said.
“So in other words,” the lawyer said, “When you signed the death certificate you had NOT taken adequate steps to confirm he was dead.”
“Well, let me put it this way,” said the doctor- “At that point, the man’s brain was in a jar on my desk. But for all I know I guess he could’ve been out practicing law somewhere!”

 

 

Snow JOW #1265

 I am looking out onto a snow-covered scene.  This may not sound strange in the month of January, but we have not had snow here in the greater Houston for 10 years.  Being Florida raised, I did not grow up with the stuff – I did not even see real snow until I was 20 years old – and I remain entranced by the stuff.  Snow transforms the world into a magical place—well until you have to shovel it.  Fortunately, I have never had to shovel snow and never will.  The entire city of Houston is essentially shut down by a couple of inches of the stuff and that is all the local news is covering.  I don’t have many jokes about snow but here are a few jokes of various kinds. 

 

Snow riddles

When is snow like a boat? 

When it’s a drift.

 

Why does snow fall?
It does not know how to climb down.

 

Why did the snow people go to the carrot patch?
To pick their noses.

 

What do you call a bunch of skinny people stretching in the snow?
Low-fat frozen yoga.

 

What do you call a snowman with a six-pack?

An abdominal snowman!

 

What do you call a Buddhist monk who meditates in the snow?
Fro-zen.

 

What did one snowman say to the other snowman?

It smells like carrots over here!

 

What do you call a English snow house without a toilet?
An ig.

 

 Some snow quotes:

 

"Snowmen fall from the sky unassembled!"

 

"The only thing worse than being cold is being hot — just ask a snowman."

 

The snow yeti stopped doing sas-squats and started doing sit ups.
Now he’s the Abdominal Snowman.

 

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Ice.
Ice who?
Ice see you freezing!

 

1 and 2 went out for a walk in the snow.
1’s hands got so cold that they went numb.
2’s hands and feet both got cold, so he was even number.

 

What did 20 do when it was hungry?

Twenty-eight.

 

There was a lady with three sons, named Rain, Snow, and Brick.
Rain asked his mom, “Why is my name ‘Rain’?”
“Because a raindrop fell on your head when you were born.”
Then Snow asked his mom, “Why is my name ‘Snow’?”
“Because a snowflake fell on your head when you were born.”
Then Brick asked his mom, “Unngah”.

 

Enough with the cold humor.  Here are a few other jokes

A beekeeper was driving by a brothel when he noticed that it was on fire …
All of the ladies that worked there were trapped at one of the upstairs windows and they were frantically yelling for help.
Quickly, the man pulled over and tied some netting between two fence posts that were just below the window. But the ladies were afraid to jump into the netting because they didn’t think it would hold them.
The flames were getting much worse, so the beekeeper did the only thing he could think of. He went back to his truck and retrieved a very special insect that he kept in a box labeled “in case of a brothel fire”
Sure enough, this special bug flew right up into the open window where all the prostitutes had gathered. Of course, this just made them panic even more. One by one this winged insect chased each lady until all sense was lost and she leaped out the window, landing safely in the outstretched hammock below.
When all the ladies had reached the ground safely the specially trained bee returned to his box, then the ladies turned to the beekeeper and offered him their gratitude. But he refused. “After all,” he explained, “it wasn’t me that saved you. It was the hornet.”

 

Twenty-three hints for better writing

 

1. Avoid alliteration. Always.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)
4. Employ the vernacular.
5. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
6. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
7. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
8. Contractions aren't necessary.
9. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
10. One should never generalize.
11. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said: "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
12. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
13. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
14. Profanity sucks.
15. Be more or less specific.
16. Understatement is always best.
17. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
20. The passive voice is to be avoided.
21. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
22. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
23.Who needs rhetorical questions?

 

And finally, a very self-aware joke.

A huge Polar bear walks into a bar and sits down at the bar. The bartender is extremely busy and looks tired. He eventually makes his way over to the bear.
The bear immediately tells him, "You look exhausted."
"Yeah, it's been a rough day," says the bartender, "What are you drinking?"
"I'll have a glass of...", says the bear. He waits a painfully long moment before finishing, "...scotch."
"Why the long face?", asks the bartender.
"Don't you mean big pause?", asks the bear.
"Yeah, sorry. Like I said, it's been a rough day."

On Fire JOW #1264

 The fires in Los Angles are a genuine catastrophe, impacting millions of people including my good friends Dick and Jane who had to evacuate their home.  With my mind on the devastating fires, my mind as it does turned to making light of situation.  This may seem callous, but humor is a way to deal with hash times.  Comedian Pete Lee went on Jimmy Fallon and made jokes about the fires.  To those who criticized Lee for making jokes about the fires as "too soon," the funny man shot back: "My house burnt down, I can make jokes about this."  So, if a professional comedian who lost his home can tell jokes, I guess I can feature in my Jokes of the Week while continuing to pray for those so terribly affected by the ongoing fires.

 

 

What happens if you fire the firefighters?
More fire. Duh.

 

Hollywood loves a remake.

Which is why God produced "California Wildfires" again this year.

 

What did the beaver say when his structure caught fire?
“Hot dam!”

 

What kind of moron invented the fire blanket?
Surely fire is warm enough already!

 

How do you put out a fire with one hand? You make sure it’s a match!

 

If H2O is on the inside of a fire hydrant…What’s on the outside?
K9P.

 

Do you remember when they first invented fire?
It was a hot commodity.

 

Despite being fire-breathing monsters, dragons will never actually explode.
But a dino might.

 

Why do the firemen take out people from a burning building before they put the fire out with water?
Bros before hose.

 

If you need to start a fire by rubbing sticks together, make sure they are exactly alike
Then you’ll have a match.

 

Caveman discovers fire,

Caveman discovers marijuana.
Stoned age begins.

 

 

What do you do when your musical instrument is on fire?
You stop, rock, and roll.

 

How did the fire fall in love?
It found its perfect match!

 

How do you start a holy fire?
With a match made in Heaven.

And a few grimmer jokes on fire

What do you call a man who’s on fire?
Bernie.

 

What do you get when you light a pig on fire?
A piglet

 

What do you call a deer with no eyes that is on fire?
No flaming idea.

 

“Dad! Dad! Fire! The house is burning!!”
“Let’s get out of here son! Quietly, you’re gonna wake up your mom!”

 

A man filed a claim with his insurance company after his house burned.
The insurance agent said, “Shouldn’t be a problem. What kind of coverage do you have?”
The owner said, “Fire and theft.”

The agent frowned. “Uh oh. That’s the wrong kind. It should be fire OR theft. The only way you can make a claim with this coverage is if the house is robbed while it’s burning down.”

 

A professional photographer is assigned to cover some of the wildfires that have been rampaging Los Angeles. His editor tells him to try to get some closeups of the fire fighters that are battling the wildfires.
Because the roads were blocked he decides to rent an airplane and do some aerial photography. He gets permission from his editor, and is told to report at a nearby airport, where a small aircraft will be on the tarmac waiting for him.
Upon arrival at the airport, he sees a plane warming up, so he jumps in with his bag of equipment, and says "Let's go!"
In no time at all, the pilot is taxiing down the runway, and the plane heads into the sky.
"What I'd like you to do," says the photographer to the pilot, "is fly over the fires, making a few low passes, so I can take some photos."
"Why?" asks the pilot.

"Isn't it obvious?" says the man, "I'm a photographer, and photographers take photos."
The pilot is completely silent for a moment. Finally, he stammers, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?"

 

A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician walk into an office to discover the trash can is on fire.
The physicist announces “We must put the garbage can in the fridge so that the temperature will be below the ignition temperature and therefore put itself out!”
The chemist replies “No, we must cover the garbage can so that the fire consumes all of the oxygen and, in the absence of reactants, can no longer continue!”
Meanwhile, the two turn around to find that the statistician is running around the room setting everything else on fire. “What the hell are you doing??”
“Getting a proper sample size!”
And finally

One dark night in Dublin, a fire started inside the local chemical plant.
In the blink of an eye, it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the firefighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fireman in charge and said, “All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give 50,000 pounds to the fire department that brings them out intact.”
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now 100,000 pounds to the fire station who could bring out the company’s secret files. But still, the fire fighters could not get through.
From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby rural township volunteer fire brigade, composed mainly of old men over 65. To everyone’s amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant. Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno.
Outside, the other firemen watched as the old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the old timers extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to 200,000 pounds and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.
The local TV station caught the thank you on film and asked the chief, “What are you going to do with all that money?”
“Well,” said Paddy, the 70-year-old fire chief, “the first thing we’re gonna do is fix the brakes on that bloody fire truck.”

 

Go Fish JOW #1263

The holidays are finally over.  This results in a change in commercials.  The tidal wave of political ads is gone as are the holiday ones.  Even the Medicare renewal ads have run their course, giving us a break until Valentine’s Day.  All that is left are the cold gray days of winter.  I am using fishing as a theme this week because well, why not?  Enjoy.

Where did the fisherman and mermaid meet? On line.

 

Why did the fisherman put peanut butter into the sea? To go with jellyfish.

 

I have always admired fishermen. They are reel men.

 

Don’t know why my fishing buddy is worried about the coronavirus. He never catches anything.

 

I tried eating a clownfish. It tasted a little bit funny.

 

What did the fisherman do at the doctor’s office after accidentally swallowing some worms? He waited on his diagnosis with baited breath.

 

Two guys are talking about fishing. One says to the other, “I am NEVER going to take my wife fishing with me, ever again!”

“That bad, huh,” his friend responded. “She did everything wrong! She talked too much, made the boat rock constantly, tried to stand up in the boat, baited the hook wrong, used the wrong lures, and worst of all she caught more fish than me!”

 

Mother to daughter advice: Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day.

But teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.

 

Retired colonel, talking of the good old days: “Have you ever hunted bear?”

His grandson’s teacher: “No, but I’ve been fishing in shorts.”

 

A fisherman returned to shore with a giant marlin that was bigger and heavier than him. On the way to the cleaning shed, he ran into a second fisherman who had a stringer with a dozen little sardines63. The second fisherman looked at the marlin, turned to the first fisherman, and said, “Only caught one, eh?”

 

Jim got up bright and early one weekend and headed to the local river. He fished all day long but didn’t catch a thing. On the way home, he stopped at the fish market.

“I want to buy the three biggest Steelhead you’ve got,” he said to the owner.

The owner starts to bag up his order when Jim says, “No need for that, just throw them at me.”

“Why would I do that?” the owner asked.

“So I can honestly tell my wife that I caught three fish today!”

 

A woman is walking on a beach in Texas carrying two Redfish in a bucket. A game warden walks up and asks to see her fishing license.

“I don’t have a fishing license,” says the woman.

“You know it’s illegal to fish without a license, right?” asks the warden.

“I wasn’t fishing, officer. These Redfish are my pets.”

“Your pets?”

“Yes, officer. They like a little exercise, so when the weather’s fine, I take them to the water and let them swim around. Once they’re done, I give them a whistle and they jump back into my bucket, and we head home.”

The officer isn’t buying a word of it, so the woman says, “Don’t believe me? Watch!” and she throws the fish into the sea.

The warden waits for a minute then says, “Alright, now whistle to your fish and make them jump out of the water.”

The fisherwoman turns to the officer and says, “What fish?”

 

Chuck had been out on the ice all day without seeing a single fish. Not even a nibble. He decides that today’s not the day and starts to pack up, when this old guy walks up.

Without saying a word, he cuts a hole a few feet from Chuck and immediately catches a fish.

The old guy coughs, baits his hook, and within seconds, there’s another fish on his line. This happens two, three times within as many minutes.

Chuck can’t believe his eyes. He’s been out here all day without seeing a single fish. He walks over to the man and asks, “What’s your secret?”

“Woohattakipowrmwm” the old man answers back.

“What did you say?” replies Chuck.

The man looks over, spits out a mouthful of worms on the ice and says, ”You have to keep your worms warm.”

 

Enough with fishing jokes.  Here are a few random leftovers.

 

The US may stop minting pennies but that wouldn’t make any cents.

 

fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way? 

 

Is there such a thing as slutty olive oil?

 

All great literature is only one of three stories: A man goes on a journey; a stranger comes to town and Godzilla versus Megashark – Leo Tolstoy

 

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. 

 

Green beans are the most Zen of all the vegetables because they’ve found their inner peas. 

 

In skydiving they say you never have to worry about a parachute malfunction

because you have the rest of your life to fix it

 

A man had not seen his twin brother since he left Australia.

They were separated at Perth.

 

I received a mind-controlled calculator for Christmas.  Not the greatest present but it’s the thought that counts.

 

I got fired from my job because they said my communication skills were lacking.

I honestly don’t know what to say.

 

Local janitors have gone out on strike.

They are demanding sweeping reforms.

 

I can use either hand to put sugar in my tea.

I’m ambidextrose.

 

A magician was walking down the street and turned into a bar.

 

I’m a corrections officer and all my coworkers think the prison is haunted.

No idea what they're on about. I've been walking this beat for the last 150 years and have never experienced a thing.