Football JOW #1306

 

Football season is wrapping which makes it easy for a theme because a lot of teams this season are a joke. 

 

Did you hear about the Football player who’s missing 75% of his spine?

He's the Quarterback.

 

A football coach yelled at his team after the game:

"I TOLD YOU TO PLAY LIKE NEVER BEFORE, NOT PLAY LIKE YOU'VE NEVER PLAYED BEFORE"

 

A football coach was heading off the field after a terrible loss and a reporter asked him, “How do you feel about your team’s execution?”

He said, “I’m in favor of it.”

 

What would a Texans fan do if the Texans won the Super Bowl?

Turn off the video game and go to bed.

 

 What did the coach Say to the broken vending machine?
“Give me my quarterback!”

 

Year after year the Alabama college football team plays very well together?

It’s like they are all one big family

 

My wife just left me. She says my life revolves around football and she's sick of it.

I'm quite upset. We were together for seven seasons.

 

The New York Jets are really bad at football

No offense

 

Washington DC should have named their football team the Lobbyists.

They never lose.

 

According to some outlets, the Minnesota Vikings are considering changing their name to the Minnesota Somalia Pirates

 

In a recent poll, men were asked what do they prefer, football or sex?

Most of them responded, sex, but at halftime.

 

Wife to Husband watching football: “We can't continue this way. You have to choose. Football or me!”

Husband at the next commercial break: “Of course I choose you, honey.”

 

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "You know, I really can't see the Patriots beating the Bills tonight," he tells the bartender. "Are you crazy? Why not?" the bartender asks.

"Because my wife cancelled our cable."

 

A football team that needed to take a plane for their next game and all have first class seats.  Unfortunately, the airline overbooked first class and one of the players has to give up their seat.
A bench player stepped up and said, "Put me in coach."

 

My goal is to own a major sports franchise in Oklahoma that will attract people of my generation.

The team will take its name from Oklahoma's history as a "boom" state during the early years of settlement when people were rushing to get in. Our jerseys will say "OK Boomers".

 

I found a used football in a secondhand store.  I picked it up and took it to the counter.
"How much is this?" I asked
"That'll be $5" said the owner. "Would you like me to pump it up for you?"
"Of course, thanks a lot!" I replied.
So, he got a small pump from under the counter and in a few seconds the ball was as good as new.
"Ok, all done" he said. "That'll be $10 please".
"$10!!!??!!" I replied. "But you said $5 just now".
He shrugged and said, “Inflation".

 

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old football players aside and asked, “Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
“Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?”
The little boy nodded yes.
“So,” the coach continued, “I’m sure you know, when a penalty is called, you shouldn’t argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-head.”
Do you understand all that?”
Again the little boy nodded.
He continued, “And when I call you off the field so that another boy gets a chance to play, it’s not good sportsmanship to call your coach ‘a dumb a–hole’, is it?”
Again the little boy nodded.
“Good,” said the coach. “Now go over there and explain all that to your mother.”

 

It's Saturday morning, and a gambler calls up his bookie, and says he wants to bet on football as he knows a lot about football and is sure he can pick some winners.
The bookie tells him they have a full schedule of college football games today, and the gambler bet on six games. He loses all six bets.
The next day, the gambler calls his bookie again and says he wants to bet on football.
The bookie tells him they have pro football games today, and the gambler places bets on seven pro football games. He loses all seven bets.
The next day, the gambler calls his bookie again and says he wants to bet on football.
The bookie tells him there's a Monday Night Football game, and the gambler bets on it. He loses again.
The next day, the gambler calls his bookie again and says he wants to bet on football.
The bookie says, "It's Tuesday. There are no football games today. But there are a lot of hockey games you can bet on."
"Hockey!?" the gambler exclaims. "What do I know about hockey?"

 

And with the World Cup starting soon I have a few jokes about the other football game: soccer.  Which raises the question; why do they call it football if they play it with a soccer ball? 

 

If handball is played with your hands, and football is played with your feet ...I don't think I want to learn how to play pickleball.

 

What's the worst thing that can happen to a football player?

To have no goal in life.

 

Grandpa walks into his grandson watching a soccer match

Grandpa: who's playing?
Grandson: Czech and Slovakia
Grandpa: against who?

 

And finally,

The Nigerian football team apologized for their poor performance in yesterday's match.

They will be issuing refunds for anyone who purchased tickets. Just send in your bank details and pin number...

  

Cop Out JOW JOW #1305

My jokes this week are more or less about police or no particular reason.  Ya’ll be careful out there and avoid seeing party lights in your rear view mirror.  Here are some light jokes for your amusement.

 

What are the four food groups for cops?

Jelly, powdered, glazed, and chocolate frosted.

 

Police have arrested the World tongue-twister Champion.

I imagine he'll be given a tough sentence.

 

A rainbow was recently arrested and set to prism; it was a light sentence.

 

A naked man broke into a church. The police chased him around and finally caught him by the organ.

 

Breaking News: There was a break-in at the police station today and the toilet was stolen.

The police have nothing to go on.

 

There are a few criminals in my town that keep stealing wheels from parked police cars.

The cops are working tirelessly to catch the suspects.

 

I got a call from the police station saying they want to interview me.

Funny… I don’t remember applying for a job there.

 

A police officer asked me where I was between five and six.

I told him I was not sure but was probably in first grade.

 

“I thought cops didn’t give tickets to pretty girls.”

“We don’t’ Sign here.”

 

“My trained drug detecting canine tells me you are on drugs.”

“Hey, you are the one talking to a dog.”

 

An officer comes across a man who is clearly under the influence.

He says to the man, “We’re going to have to give you a drug test.” 

Without hesitation, the man replies, “Cool, which drugs are we testing?”

 

Officer: “How high are you?”

Driver: “No, officer, it’s ‘Hi, how are you?'”

 

Pablo Escobar was being informed on by local children. Mortally wounded by police gunfire, his last words to them were ‘I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you Medellín kids.’

 

Me and another coworker were competing to see who was the best at our drug testing job. I was winning until I misplaced a felon's probation samples.

So I guess I lost that pissing contest

 

Judge: “I thought I said that I never wanted to see you in here again.”

Criminal: “That’s what I kept telling the arresting officer, but he wouldn’t listen.”

The police came to my front door tonight holding a picture of my wife.

They said, "Is this your wife, sir?"
Shocked, I answered, "Yes."
They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."
I said, "I know, but she’s a great cook."

 

A police officer accidentally arrested a judge who was dressed like a convict for a costume party.

He quickly learned to never book a judge by their cover

 

A man filed a report to the police that his bag was missing.

Upon leaving the man's apartment, the officer found the man's bag at the bottom of the stairwell.
It was a brief case.

 

The police called to tell me that my wife was in the hospital.

"How is she?" I asked
"Very critical," replied the officer
"I know!  What is she complaining about now?"

 

"This is the hardest part of our job," said the police officer after Adam was pronounced dead in the scene of the accident.

"Yeah, but break the news slowly. His wife is a very sensitive person."
The police officer knocks on the door and Adam's wife opens it.
"Are you Adam's widow?" said the police.

 

Officer: “Do you know how fast you were going?”

Driver: “Sorry, I was just trying to catch up with traffic.” 

Officer: “There is no traffic. This highway is completely empty.” 

Driver: “That’s what I’m telling you — I’m really far behind.”

 

Officer: “I have to give you a ticket for not wearing your glasses.” 

Driver: “Officer, I have contacts.” 

Officer: “I don’t care who you know, you’re still getting a ticket.”

 

Officer: “I notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?”

Driver: “I noticed your eyes are glazed over. Have you been eating donuts?”

 

Knock, knock.

Who’s there? Dishes. 

Dishes who? 

Dishes the police. Open up!

A Southern Story

One day Bubba n' Buford were drivin' down the Farm to Market Road in their pickup drinkin' Lone Star longnecks n' chillin' out to Bob Wills "San Antonio Rose" n' low n' behold, they come over a hilltop and there's a DPS roadblock a stoppin' folks. Thinkin' quick, Bubba pulls over to the side a the road n' Buford says "What we gonna do, you get another DUI n' they gonna throw away the key n' I'm still on probation for that thing with the duck at the theater!" Suddenly Bubba gets a big smile n' says, "Here I got a idea...". 

Meanwhile the DPS knows these two good 'ol boys and watches carefully as they pull back onto the road n' ease up to the roadblock. As he looks in the drivers window there's Bubba n' Buford smilin' ear to ear with beer labels stuck to thier foreheads. With a serious look on his face he asks the obvious question, "You boys been drinkin'?" 

With a big innocent smile on his face Bubba says, "No sir. We're on the patch!"

 

And finally

On her death bed, the Sheriff's wife confesses that she cheated on him three times but swears it was always for a good reason. He asks what happened,

and she says, "Well, the first time, remember when Dr. Smith said he we couldn't afford the operation, and then he changed his mind and did it for free?"

He says yes and forgives her.

"And the second time, do you remember when our son got a DUI, and the judge let him off with probation?"

He says yes and forgives her.

"And last, do you remember when the polls had you about a hundred votes shy of winning the election for Sheriff?"

 

Holidaze JOW #1304

The holidays are here in full force.  I always associate this time of year with fall and the onset of winter.  I do not associate it with low temperatures in the mid 70’s.  It is way too hot to be Thanksgiving.  That said, the calendar says it is time for Thanksgiving – and I am genuinely thankful for all my many blessings and look forward to the feast itself.  I have some jokes about Thanksgiving and pies and such.  Happy Thanksgiving to you all!

 

For those who need hints on how to take a nap in a chair after Thanksgiving dinner, let me offer some hints.  

Be old

Sit in a chair after dinner

 

Pavlov's dogs have started a charity for the holidays...

It's called "The Salivation Army"

 

What do you call two spices saying hello to each other during the holidays?

Seasons greetings

 

Where do bears go for winter holidays?

Hiber-Nation

 

In the past, I've tried to slowly wean myself off my unhealthy habit of eating too many Thanksgiving leftovers, but it never works.

This year I'm going to quit cold turkey.  

 

How do you end an argument with your family this Thanksgiving?

Click the 'End Meeting' button

 

Why don’t Greeks celebrate thanksgiving?

Because they hate Turkey

 

Why don’t turkeys mind thanksgiving?

Because they don’t have to worry about buying Christmas presents

 

Why don’t we eat Turducken on Thanksgiving?

It’s too fowl.  Actually, it’s three fowls

 

An exhausted Tyson industrial butcher walks into a bar two days after Thanksgiving and orders a beer. "So you're a butcher, eh?" the bartender asks.

"Do you have to do nasty stuff like pluck the turkeys?"

"Yes," the butcher sighs.

"So which side of a turkey has the most feathers?" the nosy bartender asks.

The butcher sighs again, "The outside."

 

A man went into a cafe for lunch today and ordered the nicest sounding thing on the menu, home-cooked pie.

"Excuse me, love." he said to the waitress, after my first bite. "This is cold."
"Well of course it is." She replied. "I live miles away from here."

 

Speaking of pie, or pi rather.

What do you get when you divide a pumpkin's circumference by its diameter?
Pumpkin-pi!

 

I love pie.

I could eat it 22/7.  (A fractional joke)

 

I think my favorite Thanksgiving food is pie, but some people say that’s irrational.

 

What letter can be made into a pie?

P can

 

What did they call the first person to bake a pie?

A pie-oneer.

 

In Jamaica, a slice of pie costs $3.50. In the Bahamas, a slice of pie costs $5.50.

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

 

Chicken pot pie.

My three favorite things. How about you?

 

A guy opens up a bakery specializing in pies.

He calls it Fool’s Gold Bakery. The slogan is “We do Pyrite.”

 

Did you hear about the sailor who turned into a pumpkin pie?

He's a squashbuckling pirate

 

A man’s wife threw a pie in his face and stormed out of the house.

He was desserted!

 

I was trying to figure out why someone would throw a pie in my face.

And then it hit me.

 

Some good old knock, knock jokes

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Ben!
Ben who?
Ben waiting for Thanksgiving all year!

 

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Gladys!
Gladys who?
Gladys finally Thanksgiving Day!

 

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Dishes!
Dishes who?
Dishes a very bad Thanksgiving joke!

 

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Gwen.
Gwen who?
Gwen do we finally get to eat Thanksgiving dinner?

 

Enough of the holiday theme

My roommate in college always gave us advice on what psychedelics to try on different holidays.

He was the original trip advisor.

 

And old people are not being lazy.  We are just energy efficient.

 

At my age the best part of waking up is realizing you did not die in our sleep

 

The problem is that younger me did not realize there would be an older me.

 

I need a new friend.  The last one escaped.

 

As I have gotten older I have learned that pleasing everybody is impossible.  On the other hand, pissing everybody off is a piece of cake.

 

An Irish Toast

My you live as long as you want and not want for as long as you live.

 

French Toast

Eggs, bread, cinnamon, and syrup

 

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "How did Thanksgiving go at your place?" the bartender asks.

"Oh, it went fine. Had a lot of family over and the wife prepared the meal. I helped out, though. She got a little stressed out and told me she needed some peace and quiet in the kitchen so she could finish cooking," the guy says. "So, I removed all the batteries from the smoke detectors."

 

Finally, as a public service I am providing women some useful tips.

Ladies, sometimes you just have to tell your husband a really long, meandering story involving people he doesn't really know doing things that don't pertain to him. The important thing is knowing when the right time is to do it.

Here are the perfect times to interrupt what he's doing to tell him a story:

---

·        The last two minutes of his team's playoff game: The tighter the score, the better.a

·        When he turns his nightstand lamp off and lays his head on his pillow: He wouldn't do those things if he actually wanted to sleep.

·        On a long car ride: It's not like he can go anywhere.

·        When he's halfway out the door to go hang out with the guys: You can also try stopping the story to do something else and make him wait for you to come back to the story.

·        As soon as he's holding something incredibly heavy: Make sure you don't start until after he has already lifted it, though.

·        When you can tell he needs to go to the bathroom: Hearing you out is far more important than urgent bodily functions.

  

Gender Conflict JOW #1303

 I have a theme about the eternal conflict between men and women.  I was going to tell a joke about old, retired people but none of them work.  So here are a few more jokes about friction between men and women.

 

My stapler broke while stapling my marriage prenup agreement.

I have attachment issues.

 

Doctor: You might have a phobia of marriage. Do you think you have symptoms?

Man: Can’t say I do.
Doctor: Yes. That’s the main one

 

44% of Marriages end in divorce.

That means 56% of marriages end in death.
I love statistics.

 

Son asks dad “How much does marriage cost?”

Dad: “I don’t know son I’m still paying for it”

 

A failed marriage is like an Avengers movie.

First someone snaps, then half your stuff is gone.

 

No man has ever won the ‘notice anything different about me?’ game with a woman.

One difference between a man and a woman is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it usually smells nice.

 

A man read a book on marriage that said treat your wife like you treated her on the first date.

So, after dinner he dropped her off at her parents' house.

 

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant and have a little wine and good food.

She goes on Tuesdays; I go on Fridays.

 

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
10 years and 45 lbs.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

 

What is the difference between marriage and death?

When you're dead you don't wish that you were married.

 

Marriage is like a deck of cards

It starts off with hearts and diamonds, but after a while you'll settle for a club and a spade

 

My marriage just ended because I didn't open the door for my wife.

I swam for the surface instead.

 

One spelling mistake can completely ruin your marriage

I accidentally texted my wife, “I’m having a wonderful time. I wish you were her.”

 

After marriage I figured this out that it's all "psychological".
There is one psycho and there's one logical.

 

John: I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married. Did you?
Bob: I'm not sure. What was your wife's maiden name?

 

If any of you here are thinking of getting married, consider the following before you do. On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.
On the other hand, you don’t.

 

A man had a girlfriend Lorraine in the beginning, but for the longest time he had a crush on Claire-Lee Robins. Eventually Lorraine found out about his secretive feelings, and just like that, she packed her bags and left.
He felt bad about it, but then he realized that – “I can see Claire-Lee now Lorraine has gone.”

 

A son asked his father for advice for a long and happy marriage.

Dad, you and Mom have been happily married for 28 years now. How do you do it?
"That's easy son, when your mom and I first got married, we made a deal. She would make all the little decisions, and I would make all the big decisions."
“Hey, that sounds like a good arrangement. But how do you decide what's a big decision, and what's a little decision?”
"Oh, there haven’t been any big decisions yet."

 

A recent study indicates that the reason men make more money than women is because men are more likely to become engineers, doctors, and lawyers while women are more likely to become female engineers, female doctors, and female lawyers.

 

What advice did Obi-Wan give Luke as his marriage was going downhill?

Use divorce, Luke

 

A man and woman go to marriage counseling.

Therapist: So, you're considering ending the marriage?
Wife: I am sick of all the Star Wars puns.
Husband: Divorce is strong with this one.

 

A man (50) and his wife (23) went out to a restaurant to celebrate their marriage.

They received some disapproving glances at first. Later, the people started calling the husband a “pedo”, “pervert”, and “sicko” and shamed the couple for the age difference.
It completely ruined their 10th anniversary.

 

The Pastor Kid said "My dad's a pastor. He's married a lot of people."
His friend responded, "I don't think pastors are supposed to be marrying more than one person."

 

Paula was anxiously waiting for her daughter Janet's plane to land. Janet had just come back from abroad trying to find adventure during her gap year. As Janet was exiting the plane, Paula noticed a man directly behind her daughter dressed in feathers with exotic markings all over his body and carrying a shrunken head.
Janet introduced this man as her new husband.

Paula gasped out loud in disbelief and disappointment and screamed, "I said for you to marry a rich Doctor .... a RICH Doctor!"

 

And finally

 

A young man was about to propose marriage to his girlfriend...

Naturally, he was really nervous and couldn’t think of how to pop the question. One day they were sitting on the couch and suddenly he just blurted out, “I think we should get married!”
“Wait,” his girlfriend said, taken aback, “are you serious?”
“I think I am,” he said.
“You’re proposing to me here on the couch?” she asked.
“Yes, I guess I am,” he said.
“That’s not much of a proposal,” the girlfriend said. “I think you can do better.”
“I thought so, too,” the young man said. “But your sister already said no.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mishmash JOW #1302

I am just back from my voyage as those of you who got my article know.  If you did not get my article, let me know and I will send it to you.  Normally I have a theme for my jokes, but I have not put one out in so long I find myself a bit stale, so I just took a bunch of random jokes which really lack a central theme.  I hope some of them bring a smile to your face.

 

Congratulations to the LA Dodgers for buying their second straight World Series.  Money may not buy happiness, but if you have enough of it you can buy championships.

 

When a mime dies do his friends observe a moment of talking?

 

Chimps Honor Jane Goodall With 21-Poo Salute

 

I once took a Spanish class on a cruise ship. But I got lost at sí.

 

Getting older gives ‘Twist and Shout’ a whole new meaning

 

I do my own stunts.  Usually not intentionally

 

Never run with scissors. Of course, in my case you can now leave off the last two words.

 

A man fell in a well.
He couldn’t see that well.

 

Why does a mermaid wear seashells?

Because she outgrew her B-shells.

 

Her: Let's exchange numbers

Me: Won't that confuse people who are trying to call us?

 

How do KFC get their corn on the cob so smooth?
They use a kernel sander.

 

The saddest person is the one who has to refill soft drinks from the dispenser because it is "soda pressing".

 

Perhaps the Dallas Cowboy’s star symbol is also its rating.

 

Remember the reason that the grass is greener on the other side might be due to a septic tank issue.

 

‘Evening wear’ does not mean showing up to the party in your pajamas.  I know that now.

 

An old lady was standing on the top deck of a cruise ship, holding tightly onto her hat so that it wouldn’t blow off in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said: “Excuse me. I don’t mean to be rude, but your dress is blowing up in the wind!”

“Yes, I know,” said the lady, “I need both hands to hold onto my hat.”

“But, madam, people can see everything!” said the gentleman.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, “Sir anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!”

 

Another Roman numeral joke

The Ancient Romans were known to use 4 different poisons.
Poison I would kill the victim instantly.
Poison II would lead to lingering deaths

Poison III would make you sick
Poison IV would make you itchy.  (Say it out loud)

 

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define "Great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!" He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

 

I have been enjoying the satirical news feature called the Babylon Bee which mocks some of the silly events with fake or exaggerated headlines such as –

In an effort to appeal to the NFL’s conservative base, they have chosen a man who wears a dress while singing in Spanish.  This year’s Super Bowl will also feature MS-13 Backup Dancers.

 

Some other Babylon headlines:

·        Hamas Rejects Deal to End Genocide After Learning It Would Require Them to Stop Killing Jews

·        Wife Says She Stayed Up All Night Thinking About What You Said About Her Overthinking Things

·        Trump Gives Israel and Palestine Tablets to Play with So They'll Stop Fighting

·        UK Prosecutes Synagogue for Provoking Attacker by Being Openly Jewish

·        Sexist Pete Hegseth Demands Women Be Equal to Men

 

Here is the Babylon Bee’s take on Netflix.

Netflix has come under fire recently for inserting trans content in its kids' programming.   In response to the controversy, the streaming platform revealed plans to revamp its entire children's section with new shows designed to win back angry parents.

Check out these new ‘kid-friendly’ shows:

---

·        Homomelon: This educational show, designed for preschoolers, guides kids through every letter in the LGBTQ+ pantheon.

·        Dora the Sexuality Explorer: Dora, now in her late teens, takes time away from exploring lost ruins to instead find the most important thing... herself.

·        Mickey Mouse Bathhouse: Any child who watches this show will receive an educational experience unlike any other.

·        Queerious George: In the first episode, George sees two men holding hands and wants to know more.

·        How To Trans Your Dragon: Join Hiccup Horrendous Haddock III and Toothless on a brand-new Netflix-exclusive adventure where they provide gender affirming care to a wild dragon.

·        Barney & Friends With Benefits: This delightful blast from the past is indistinguishable from a furry convention.

·        Teletubbies: The hit 1997 show is back. No changes whatsoever.

 

And finally

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He sternly told her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand." Not one hand went up...so she took them home and ate them.

 

Cruisin' JOW #1301

 I will not be doing the JOW for the rest of the month because I will be trapped on a cruise ship on the ocean for 23 days.  Of course, it’s kind of what I paid for.  I enjoy going on cruises.  My wife is not onboard with that, though.  When my wife told her suitcase she wouldn’t be taking a cruise this year she had to deal with emotional baggage.  With a long cruise in my immediate future, my mind turned to jokes about cruising on the sea.

 

Do you have time for a joke about the world’s fastest cruise ship? Don’t worry, it’s a quick one-liner.

 

Holland America Cruises, have ships with names like Volendam, Westerndam, Noordam, and Eurodam.  They have a lot of dam ships.

 

Did you hear the latest trend is installing trampolines on cruise ships? Now everyone is jumping on board.

 

Q: What keeps a dock floating above water?

A: Pier pressure.

 

Q: What type of vegetable isn’t allowed on cruise ships?

A: Leeks

 

Q: Why couldn’t the cruisers play cards?

A: Because they were standing on the deck!

 

A very nervous first-time cruiser met the captain at the welcome reception.

“Do ships like this sink very often?” he asked.

“No,” said the captain. “Usually it’s just the once.”

 

A friend of mine fell overboard while sailing the other day

Sadly, he couldn't swim, so he quickly drowned.
At the funeral service, I gave his family a life preserver.
It's what he would have wanted.

 

Two bankers were the only survivors when their cruise ship sank. They were both clinging to a single life preserver. One banker, knowing that his colleague couldn’t swim, says,

“I think I can make it to shore to get help. Can you float alone?”

The other banker replies, “How can you talk business at a time like this?”

 

A cruise ship passenger is looking out to sea when he sees a small island. On the island, he spots a thin, suntanned man with wild hair. He can see the man jumping up and down and waving.

The passenger turns around and sees the captain, so he draws his attention to the man.

“Captain, what’s up with that guy?”

The captain shrugged his shoulders.

“No idea. He’s always does that when we sail past.”

 

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and asks for a Scotch with two drops of water.

She says: “I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 75th birthday and it’s today!”

“Congratulations!” says the bartender. “This one’s on me.”

As she finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, “I’d like to buy you a drink too”

“Thank you,” says the lady. “I’ll have another Scotch with two drops of water”.

As the bartender gave her the drink, he asked the lady, “I’m so curious. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?

The old woman replies, “Sonny, when you’re my age, you’ve learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.”

 

A rich guy took a cruise to a tropical island and decided to sunbathe on the beach. Wanting an even tan, he took off his luxury watch and slipped it into his pocket.

Back on board at the end of the day, he realized that his watch was gone. It must have fallen out of his pocket. Too embarrassed to admit he’d lost such an expensive item, he decided not to tell anyone.

A moment later, the captain’s voice came on the loudspeaker. “Ladies and gentlemen, this is an announcement to the passenger who lost the Rolex Pearl Master on the beach…the time is now 6:54 PM.”

 

One day a man decided to retire. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until he fell overboard one night.

He washed up on a remote island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.
After about a month, he is lying on the beach one day when a woman rows up to the shore.
In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I live."
"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a rowboat."
"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. " I made the boat from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But where did you get the tools?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "I have a full set of tools where I am living on the other side of the island.

The guy is stunned.
"Let's row over to my place," she says "and I'll give you a tour." She soon docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat.
Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.
While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck.
As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Please sit down."
"Would you like a drink?"
"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."
"Oh, it's not just coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their stories, the woman announces,
" I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs.
No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone “This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing a beautiful outfit made from strategically positioned flowers and leaves. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.
"Tell me, “She begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, " When was the last time you played around?”

He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes.
"You've built a Golf Course too?"