No Account JOW #1351

 My theme this week is banking, for no particular reason.  Most people think financial stuff is boring.  Well, let me tell you there is plenty of funny business there.  Take my bank account: it is a joke.  Here are some more jokes generally about banking.

 

If you have no interest in banking

You are not a loan.

 

My wife and my banker have something in common.

Neither of them will give me credit.

 

Financial advice used to be “Work until your bank account looks like a phone number” So I did.  My account balance: $9.11.

Some banking riddles

Why are Irish bankers so successful?

Because their capital's always Dublin.

 

What did the recluse say to the bank teller when he needed money?

“Leave me a loan.”

 

Why is a river rich?

Because it has two banks.

 

What do you get when you cross a banker with a fish?

A loan shark.

 

Did you hear about the deaf banker who got robbed?

Neither did he

 

What's the difference between an investment banker and a pig?

The pig doesn't turn into an investment banker when it's drunk.

 

What do you call a bank that’s always open? 

A river bank

 

The bank must really like me.

They keep telling me that my loan is outstanding.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I asked the banker to check my balance.

He pushed me.

 

Always borrow money from a pessimist,

He won’t expect it back.

 

A naked woman robbed a bank.

Nobody could remember her face.

 

A persistent banker wouldn't stop hitting on a woman.

Even after she asked him to just leave her a loan.

 

A man walked into Wells Fargo and asked to open a checking account.

Response: ‘A checking account? What do you need two checking accounts for? Are you sure you want three checking accounts and a saving account? Fine, I'll open four checking accounts, two savings accounts and a line of credit for you.’

 

A banker sat at a bar and struck up a casual conversation with a man who claimed to be a bank robber. 

“It’s easy money,” he claimed.

The banker said to the robber, “You're doing it all wrong.  It's a lot easier to rob people when you own the bank.”

 

My uncle always told me he had a fortune in a safe deposit box.

He left me the key in his will. I went to the bank, trembling with anticipation, got access to the box, took it into the private viewing room. I opened the box and looked in, there was an envelope inside, when I opened it, a folded piece of paper fell out. I read it, and it said:

“Good things are ahead for you. Your lucky numbers are 6, 10, and 13.”

 

A retired banker went to a psychiatrist.

He said "For 30 years, I worked in a bank as a teller. Every day I would serve dozens of customers. I loved my job and never missed a day.
Last month, I retired.  Since then, every time I pass a bank, I have a huge craving to enter and take out money.  Even if I pass an ATM, I have to stop and take some cash out. I've got thousands of dollars in cash at home, yet every day I feel desperate to go to the bank and take out more.
What's wrong with me?"
The psychiatrist replied
"It sounds like you're having Withdrawal Symptoms."

 

A US banker is invited to the Finance Minister of East Germany and sees large quantities of gold lying around in the courtyard of the ministry.

Astonished, the American says to his host:
"In my country, gold is a very precious commodity. It is kept in Fort Knox, surrounded by an almost insurmountable concrete wall, watchtowers, mines and barbed wire, and guarded by dogs and soldiers."
"You see," replies the minister of East Germany,
"That is the difference between your system and ours. For us, the human being is the most precious commodity."

 

A man approached an English banker and asked him how much return he could expect from an investment of $50,000 with him.

“I can turn that into ton of money”, the banker confidently relied.

"How much is a ton of money"
The banker responded "Two Thousand Pounds"

 

Once upon a time in Europe, two old Jews were sitting in a park and reading newspapers.

One of them notices that the other's paper is from a really antisemitic organization. 
"What the hell are you reading?” he asked. “Why don't you read our Jewish papers?"
"You see Chaim" the other man says calmly "When I read our newspapers all I see are pogroms, antisemitic crimes, and such. It's just depressing and scary.  Here on the other hand" he says while showing his friend the frontpage " I'm apparently a masterminded banker, have millions in secret accounts and even rule the whole world!"

 

And finally, never underestimate an octogenarian.

Mark, the banker, saw his old Nebraska friend Bob, an eighty-year-old rancher, in town.   Mike had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a "mail order" bride. Being a good friend, the banker asked Mike if the rumor was true. Mike assured him that it was. The banker then asked Mike the age of his new bride to be.
Mike proudly said, 'She'll be twenty-one in November.'
Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year- old man. Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Mike should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course. Mike thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.
About four months later, the banker ran into Mike again. "How's the new wife?" asked the banker.
Mike proudly said, "Good! She's pregnant."
The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, "And how's the hired hand?"
Mike smiled ruefully and replied, "Oh, yeah.  She's pregnant too."