Animal JOW #780

I was kind of stumped for a theme for his week until I remembered this cheesy joke sent to me by Keith.  It got me thinking about animal humor and so here are a few jokes mostly about the animal kingdom. 

This one is the one from Keith.

A scruffy looking guy who goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says: "No way. I don't think you can pay for it.
The guy says, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?"
The bartender says, "Only if what you show me ain't risqué,” having heard of very small piano playing men and such.
"Deal!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the keyboard and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good.
The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another.
"Money or another miracle else no drink," says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch - a fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog.
The guy says, "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar. The bartender says to the guy, "Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy."
"Not so," says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist."

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

There are lots of cow jokes, most of them as stupid as cows themselves.

There were two cows in a paddock. One of the cows says, “moo” and the other one says, “That’s what I was going to say.”

Q: Why did the cow cross the road?
A: To get to the udder side.

Q: Why do cows go to New York?
A: To see the moosicals!

            Enough with the cows.

Q: What goes tick-tock, bow-wow, tick-tock, bow-wow?
A: A watch dog.

Q: What do you do if your dog chews a dictionary?
A: Take the words out of his mouth!

Q: What do you call a girl with a frog on her head?
A: Lilly.

Q: Why did the lamb from Boston cross the road?
A: To get to the baaaaarber shop!

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

A team of little animals and a team of big animals decided to play football. During the first half of the game, the big animals were winning. But during the second half, a centipede came out and scored so many touchdowns that the little animals won the game. When the game was over, the chipmunk asked the centipede, “Where were you during the first half?”

“Putting on my shoes.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Alpacas are inherently funny critters.  (Tasty, too.) 

The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, an alpaca walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the alpaca’s mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"

"Not really," said the Alpaca. "Your name is written inside the cover."

========================

A man and his pet Alpaca walk into a bar. It's about 5pm, but they're ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. Finally, the bartender says: "Last call."

So, the man says, "One more for me... and one more for my Alpaca."

The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the alpaca falls over dead. The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave.

The bartender, yells: "Hey buddy, you can't just leave that lyin' there."

To which the man replies: "That's not a lion, that's an Alpaca."

##########

A man in a movie theater notices what looks like an alpaca sitting next to him. "Are you a Alpaca?" asked the man, surprised.

"Yes."

"What are you doing at the movies?"

The Alpaca replied, "Well, I liked the book."

++++++++++++++++++

A woman brings an alpaca home and explains to her husband that it is her new pet.

"Where are you going to keep it?" Her husband asks

"In the bedroom."

"But what about that horrible nasty smell?'

"Well, I got used to you,” she explained, “I'm sure he will too!"

---------------------------

An elephant and a camel are talking. The elephant asks, "Why do you have boobs on your back?"

The camel replies, "Ha! That's a funny question coming from an animal with that thing on his face."

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Finally I like telling this joke.  I call it a logic test.

What are the three steps to putting a giraffe in the fridge? 1. open the fridge 2. put the giraffe in 3.close the fridge
What are the 4 steps to putting a rhino in the fridge? 1. open the fridge 2. take out the giraffe 3. put the rhino in. 4. close the fridge.
The animals were throwing a party and all the animals but one came. Whho was it? The rhino – he is still in the fridge.
A girl waded through crocodile infested water, but didn't get eaten. Why? The crocodiles were at the party.

Absentminded JOW #779

‘Egghead’ jokes about people who are too smart for the real world are very old. I know a couple

attributed to the Greeks that are at least 2500 years old. The TV show Big Bang Theory is a series of skits

roughly based on this theme of the absentminded professor. Here are a few bits along the lines.

Albert Einstein Stories - Note: some of these are probably apocryphal, but he was said to be sweetly absentminded.

(1) One day during a speaking tour, Albert Einstein's driver, who often sat at the back of the hall during his lectures, remarked that he could probably give the lecture himself, having heard it so many times. So

Einstein told the driver that at the next stop on the tour to switch places, with Einstein sitting at the back in the driver's uniform. Having delivered a flawless lecture, the driver was asked a difficult question by a member of the audience. "Well, the answer to that question is quite simple," he casually replied. "I bet my driver, sitting up at the back there, could answer it!"

(2) Albert Einstein's wife often suggested that he dress more professionally when he headed off to work.

"Why should I?" he would invariably argue. "Everyone knows me there." When the time came for

Einstein to attend his first major conference, she begged him to dress up a bit. "Why should I?" said

Einstein. "No one knows me there!"

(3) Albert Einstein was often asked to explain the general theory of relativity. "Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour," he once declared. "Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That's relativity!"

(4) When Albert Einstein was working in Princeton university, one day he was going back home he forgot his home address. The driver of the cab did not recognize him. Einstein asked the driver if he knows Einstein's home.

The driver said "Who does not know Einstein's address? Everyone in Princeton knows. Do you want to meet him?

Einstein replied "I am Einstein. I forgot my home address, can you take me there? "The driver reached him to his home and did not even collect his fare from him.

(5) Einstein was once traveling from Princeton on a train when the conductor came down the aisle, punching the tickets of every passenger. When he came to Einstein, Einstein reached in his vest pocket.

He couldn't find his ticket, so he reached in his trouser pockets. It wasn't there, so he looked in his briefcase but couldn't find it. Then he looked in the seat beside him. He still couldn't find it. The conductor said, 'Dr. Einstein, I know who you are. We all know who you are. I'm sure you bought a ticket. Don't worry about it.' Einstein nodded appreciatively. The conductor continued down the aisle punching tickets. As he was ready to move to the next car, he turned around and saw the great physicist down on his hands and knees looking under his seat for his ticket. The conductor rushed back and said,

'Dr. Einstein, Dr. Einstein, don't worry, I know who you are. No problem. You don't need a ticket. I'm sure you bought one.' Einstein looked at him and said, 'Young man, I too, know who I am. What I don't know is where I'm going.'

 ##################

An absent-minded husband thought he had conquered his problem of trying to remember his wife's birthday and their anniversary. He opened an account with a florist, provided that florist with the dates and instructions to send flowers to his wife on these dates along with an appropriate note signed, "Your loving husband." His wife was thrilled by this new display of attention and all went well until one day, some bouquets later, when he came home, kissed his wife and said offhandedly, "Nice flowers, honey.

Where'd you get them?"

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Once an old British professor was on a travelling by train.  As fate should have, he was in the last compartment.  Now the problem was, whenever the train stopped at a station his compartment would

never be on the platform. It was a local train and anytime the poor guy wanted to get something to eat

or drink he had to struggle to get over to the platform. By the time he reached his destination, he was

really irritated. He went straight to the station master`s office to lodge a complaint.

This is what he wrote.

"Please see to it that there is no last compartment in any train. If you still insist on having a last

compartment, please put it somewhere in the middle".

------------------------

The absent-minded professor just came back home from a business trip, looking tired. His wife asked him: "Dear, you look awful, how was your trip?"

"Very bad. I got a rear-facing seat on the train, which made me very uncomfortable."

"Why didn't you ask the man opposite for a switch?"

"I wish I could have. But nobody was seating on that seat."

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

It was raining hard and a big puddle had formed in front of the little English pub.

An old man stood beside the puddle holding a stick with a string and a cork on the end was jiggling it up and down.

A Mike, a visiting American, asked what he was doing.

"Fishing," replied the old man.

‘Poor old chap’ thought Mike, so he invited the old man to have a drink with him in the pub.

Feeling he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, Mike asked the old fellow, "So how many have you caught today?"

"You're the eighth."

+++++++++++++++++++

Just as the old professor was about to fall asleep, his wife shook him and said, "I hear someone breaking in."

At least two nights a week for the last thirty years the old professor had gone through this. He knew that the only way he would get any rest was to go and check it out. So, he went out for a routine check.

When the old professor entered the den he was surprised to see a thief

As the thief turned to leave the old professor said, "You have to go and meet my wife, Maude."

The thief said, "Why would you want me to meet your wife?"

The old professor replied, "Well, she's been expecting you from 30 years."

Mean Old JOW #778

My JOWs this Labor Day weekend are mostly in the form of insults and cruel jokes.  Mean spirited jokes are not my favorites, though some people find them hilarious.  Don Rickles has made a very good career out of saying mean things to people.  I will begin a few classics then shift to some comedy club specials sent to me by an unnamed bachelor.

These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.

 ++++++++++++++++++

A Member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.  

"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or you."

"He had delusions of adequacy."

     - Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."

     - Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."

     - Clarence Darrow

   

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."

     - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

“Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?”

Ernest Hemingway, in response

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."

     - Moses Hadas

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."

     - Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."

     - Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one."

     - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second .... if there is one."

     - Winston Churchill, in response

  

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."

     - Stephen Bishop

    

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."  (Sounds like a certain egocentric presidential candidate)

     - John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."

     - Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."

     - Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."   (Stephen King?)

     - Paul Keating

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."

     - Charles, Count Talleyrand

     

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."

     - Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"

     - Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."

     - Mae West

  "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."

     - Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination."

     - Andrew Lang

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."

     - Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But I'm afraid this wasn't it."

     - Groucho Marx

-------------------------------

A boy asks his granny: "Have you seen my pills? They were labelled LSD."

Granny replies: "F**k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?"

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

After a wild night of drink and drugs, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realized he had made it home safely.

The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and I suggested we should hold auditions for her part.

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday.  But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, "Screw it, soldier on!"

I woke up this morning at 10 am, and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30 am.

Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom.  It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.

*****************

And here are some rather dated golf jokes sent by Tom and some other victims of golf:

Here are some useful golf terms you can use next time you're at the course:

 A 'Rock Hudson' -- a putt that looked straight, but wasn't

 A 'Saddam Hussein' -- from one bunker into another

 A 'Yasser Arafat' -- butt ugly and in the sand

 A 'John Kennedy Jr.' -- didn't quite make it over the water

 A 'Rodney King' -- over-clubbed

 An 'O.J.' -- got away with one

 A 'Princess Grace' -- should have used a driver

 A 'Princess Di' -- shouldn't have used the driver

 A 'James Joyce' -- a putt that's impossible to read

 A 'Ted Kennedy' -- goes in the water and jumps out

 A 'Sonny Bono' -- straight into the trees

 A 'Mickey Mantle' -- a dead Yank

=========================      

              

       Ski and Stosh are standing on the 18th tee at their Polish Country Club.  They are the final twosome in the Polish Country Club Championship and are tied for the lead. The 18th hole is a beautiful par four with a deep valley descending to a dogleg right.

       Both Ski and Stosh hit long, straight tee shots which disappear down into the valley.  A short time later, the fore caddie appears at the top of the hill and announces that both balls are within 6 inches of each other, but there's a problem with determining who was furthest away from the hole and thus had to hit first.  Both of the golf balls are Titlist # 4s.

        Ski and Stosh look at each other and realize that they had not informed each other as to what kind of ball they were playing, or its number.  They quickly descend into the valley and, sure enough, their two Titlist golf balls are right next to each other at the bottom of the

valley in the middle of the fairway.

         Stosh looks at Ski and says, "We had better get a ruling from a tournament official to straighten this out. This is the Polish Country Club Championships and we don't want to be

disqualified for making a mistake and hitting the wrong ball.  After all, we are tied for the lead."

               Soon after, a rules official appears and examines the two # 4 Titlist golf balls.  He then looks up at Ski and Stosh and asks, "Which one of you is playing the orange ball?”