Wedding Belle JOW #783

At long last my youngest daughter is getting married.  That means I can stop asking her when she is getting married and start asking when she is going to have babies.  I hope it will be a fairy tale wedding - but not one where like an evil witch shows up and curses their firstborn.  Zin honor of the event I have a few wedding-type jokes followed by miscellaneous offerings submitted you fellow JOW sufferers.

The wedding toast you do not want to hear: "The Lannisters send their regards"

Some thoughts on marriage:

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished.

A woman worries about her future until she finds a husband, but a man never worries about the future until he takes a wife.

“I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”

A little girl at a wedding asked, “Mommy, why do brides always wear white?”

The mom replied, “Because they’re happy, dear.”

Halfway through the wedding the girl whispered, “Mommy, if brides wear white because they’re happy, then why do men wear black?”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Harry was finally a groom and was very excited about his upcoming marriage. He was on his way out of the office when his boss came over to him with an outstretched hand. “Congratulations Harry, I just wanted to tell you I’ve been married for twenty two years, and I am sure that you will always remember this day with the fondest of memories, as the happiest day of your life.”

“But sir”, said Harry, “a little bit confused, I’m not getting married until tomorrow!”

“Yeah, I know”, said his boss.

-----------------------
A man, let’s call him Shane, was over 40 years old and was still single. One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"

Shane replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."

His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother." A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"

With a frown on his face, Shane answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."

The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"

"My father doesn't like her."

From Vanessa

Stealing someone’s coffee mug should be called ‘mugging’

Pasteurize – too far to see

Whoever invented ‘knock-knock’ jokes should be given a no-bell prize

The other day I held a door open for a clown.  It was a nice jester.

No matter how much you push the envelope it will still be stationery.

Instagram – Putting your grandma on speed dial

From Tom

Q.   Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A.    To a different bar.
Q.   Why do Driver Ed classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
A.   Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Q.   What's the difference between a zoo in the north and a Louisiana zoo?
A.   The Louisianan zoo has a description of the animal along with a recipe.
 Q   How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the 'F' word?
A.   Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell, 'BINGO!'
Q.   What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A.  A northern fairytale begins, 'Once upon a time...'A southern fairytale begins,... 'Now, y'all ain't gonna believe this sh1t.'

From Dick – some random thoughts

1. I talk to myself, because sometimes I need expert advice.
2. Sometimes I roll my eyes out loud.

 3. I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off.

4. My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance of idiots that needs work.

5. The biggest lie I tell myself is "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

6. When I was a child I thought nap time was punishment. Now it's like a mini-vacation.

7. The day the world runs out of wine is just too terrible to think about.

8. Even duct tape can't fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound!

9. Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller?

10. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.

11. When the kids text me "plz" which is shorter than ‘please,' I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes."

12. At my age "getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.

And just as I was going to press John provided me with the gift if this British humor as it used to be: absolutely politically incorrect

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low?
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

 Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London.

Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.
-------------------------------

Riots in Birmingham last month caused over £1,000,000 worth of improvements
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Muslims have gone on the rampage in Manchester, killing anyone who's English.

Police fear the death toll could be as high as 8 or 9.
-----------------------------

Years ago it was suggested that, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away."

But, since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works great!

================

I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony, shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?" 
=================

 

An Emergency Call Center worker has been fired in Toronto much to the dismay of her colleagues, who were unhappy with her dismissal.  It seems that a caller dialed 911 from a cell phone stating,

"I am depressed and lying on a railway line so that when the train comes I can finally meet Allah."

To which the call center employee replied, "Remain calm and stay on the line."

And finally

If your wife laughs at your joke, it means you either have a good joke, or a good wife.

Mistaken ID JOW #782

I know a lot of jokes; I keep them sorted by subject matter.  I can usually remember a joke and trot it out for any given topic.  (Except at home – I am forbidden to tell jokes in Ruth’s hearing.)

That means I like to have a topic for my Jokes of the Week.  Bill sent me the joke below which got me thinking about mistaken identity which led to a series of jokes that diverged farther and farther from the theme.  But no matter here are a few jokes on mistaken identities and other

………………………

A man who was suspicious his wife was having an affair decides to check up on her. He calls his house and the maid answers. He says, "Can I please speak to my wife?"

"No, sir," replies the maid.

"Why not?" asks the man. "

Because she's in bed with her lover and asked not to be disturbed," she answers.

"WHAT?!?" the man screams. "Listen carefully. Put the phone down... go to the hall closet... get my shotgun and shoot them both!" he demands. A minute later, two shots ring out. Back on the phone, the maid says,

"OK, it's done... now what?"

"Take the bodies and dump them in the swimming pool," he instructs.

The maid replies, "Ahhh, sir... we don't have a swimming pool."

Silence ensues.

Then the man says,
"Wait a minute... is this 947-8992???"

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

Remember the claim “I am Sparticus” – Was he the first known victim of identity theft?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand on her thigh and greeted her –‘Hey baby’.
She jumped up and slapped him silly.
He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable lout!" she yelled at him
"Wow," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Two elderly guests, John and Pat, attended a party given by a business associate to mark his daughter's engagement to a man she had been living with for three years, were grumbling about the decline in moral standards.

'All these people sleeping together before they're married,' John muttered indignantly. 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married. Did you?'

'I don't know,' answered Pat thoughtfully. 'What was her maiden name?'

‘’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’

A drunk guy is walking down the street. He sees this nun, runs up and punches her. He says, "You don't feel so tough now, do you, Batman!?"

===========================

There was a long, long line of spirits at the gate waiting to get into heaven.
The first man in line started telling his story, "Well, Peter, you see, I knew that my wife was cheating on me so I decided to come home early from work one day to catch them in action. I got home and searched all over but I couldn’t find him. Then when I walked out onto the balcony, there he was dangling off the darn thing by his fingertips. So I ran and got a hammer then started beating him with it and he fell. Well, the fall didn't kill him, because he landed in a bush so I picked up the refrigerator and threw it on him. Although that killed him, the strain gave me a heart attack, and here I am."
The next man came up and started his story. "St. Peter, I always work out on my balcony on the 14th floor of my apartment building. I was on my stationary bike one day and I fell off when it flipped. I sailed over the rail and I thought ''Please God spare my life'' and he did. I caught on to a balcony below me. I was even happier when a man discovered me hanging there. But all of a sudden he started beating my hands with a hammer so I fell again. But the dear Lord saved me again when I landed in a bush. But I’m here now because the guy threw his refrigerator on top of me."
It was now the third guy's turn to start his story. "Well, Peter, just picture this. I'm hiding butt naked in this married chick's refrigerator....."

################

A priest and pastor from the local parishes stood by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!"

"Leave us alone you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by. From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash.

"Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"

+++++++++++++++++++++++++

A Rabbi and a Priest buy a car together.  As soon as the deal is done the priest sprinkles some water over the hood.

The Rabbi asked, ''What are you doing?''

The Priest responded, ''I'm blessing the car.''

So the Rabbi said ''Okay, since we're doing that....'' and takes out a hacksaw and cuts two inches off the tail pipe.

Coffee-Flavored JOW #781

Today is National Coffee Day.   I am fond of that life-giving liquid.  Don’t ever let anyone tell you fairy tales can’t be real - I drink a potion made of magic beans every morning and it brings me back to life.  And I need real coffee - decaf only gets me going if I spill it on my lap.  I don’t really have a problem with caffeine, it’s just that I do have a problem without it.  Coffee and wine are like coaches.  Coffee is there for encouragement –‘Go get’em.  You can do it!’ Wine is more like – ‘Good try.  You gave it a good shot, we will get them tomorrow.’

In honor of the day here are some mostly coffee-related jokes.

Why are Italians so good at making coffee? Because they really know how to espresso themselves.  In fact, I am convinced that the reason Starbucks can charge $4 for a cup of coffee is because they put the sizes in Italian.

                The 23th Cup

Caffeine is my shepherd; I shall not doze.
It maketh me to wake in green pastures;
It leadeth me beyond the sleeping masses.
It restoreth my buzz.
It leadeth me in the paths of consciousness for its name's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of addiction,
I'll fear no Equal for thou art with me;
Thy cream and thy flavorings they comfort me.
Thou preparest a carafe before me in the presence of Juan Valdez.
Thou anointest my days with vigor; my mug runneth over.
Surely flavor and aroma shall follow me all the days of my life
and I will dwell in the House of Maxwell forever.
Amen!

********************

Q: Why are men are like coffee?

A: The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night!

Q: What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic

A: Sanka
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A blonde says to her doctor, "Each time I try to sip my coffee, my eye hurts."

The doctor says, "Maybe you should take the stirrer out of the cup."

#############

Many companies share a coffee pot.  One morning a young woman saw the pot was empty and took it into the ladies room to fill it with water.  Then she began preening in the mirror, brushing her hair and reapplying some makeup. She didn't realize how long she'd been until someone slid a note under the door.

"You win," it read. “Any ransom demand will be met. Just release the coffeepot."

++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A lady came into the kitchen, sat down at the table, leaned forward, put her head in her hands and said to her husband "Honey, I feel terrible! My head hurts, my back's killing me and my left breast just burns and burns."

He said "I'm gonna help you, Dear. I'll get you some aspirins for the headache, I'll rub your back with Myoflex for the backache, and if you'll sit up and get your breast out of the coffee, it'll stop burning."

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

A man walked into a restaurant and seated himself. Soon, the waitress came over to take his order.

“And to drink?" she asked.  The man said he would like coffee. The waitress promptly returned with a cup of coffee, but spilled it on the man's lap when she stopped at the table.

"Oh my God; I am so sorry!"

"That's OK," the man said, sopping up the puddle on his pants with his a napkin - "but tell me, is this regular or decaf?"

"Regular. . . ," she replied.

"Oh great, now this thing is going to be up all night!"

IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

A waitress was refilling cups at the table where some had taken decaffeinated coffee.

“Are you regular,” she asked one old boy.

“Why, yes, thank you,” he brightly replied, “I think it is all the prunes I eat.”

===============

A guy walks into a coffee shop and asks the waitress: "How much is the coffee?"

"Coffee is four dollars the waitress says".

"How much is a refill?" the man asks.

"Free, "says the waitress.

"Then I'll take a refill!" the man responds.

……………………

A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and was so proud. He anxiously waited to hear the verdict on the quality of the coffee. The grandmother had never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee, and as she forced down the last sip she noticed three of those little green army guys in the bottom of the cup.
She asked, "Honey, why would three little green army guys be in the bottom of my cup?"
Her grandson replied, "You know grandma, it's like on TV, 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.'"

And to conclude, here is one from Bill.

At one point during a Little League game, the coach called one of his 10-year-old baseball players aside and asked, "Do you understand what co-operation is? What a team is?"

"Yes, coach," replied the little boy.

"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him an asshole. Do you understand all that?"

Again, the little boy nodded in agreement.

The coach continued, "And when I take you out of the game so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not a dumb ass decision or that the coach is a shithead is it?"

"No, coach."

"Good", said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother."