Oy! Such a JOW #796

Tom sent me some wonderful material about Jewish humor.  I love Jewish humor; well except for Jerry Seinfeld.  I never found his TV show very funny.  I know – there must be something wrong with me.  I meet with a support group of other who do not ‘get’ Seinfeld.  It’s a small group.  Here are a few of the great lines from the old school comedians of the 50’s and 60’s.  Before it became necessary to make comedy routines R and NC17 rated.

* I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years! If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!

* What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love? "Honey, I'm home!"

* My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea .

* She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.

* She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off
.

* The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill so the doctor gave him another six months.

* Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I am 60!"

Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"

* Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears."

Doctor: "Don't answer!"

* A drunk was in front of a judge.

The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking."

The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."

* Why do Jewish divorces cost so much?

They're worth it.

The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much.

The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now .

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There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins.  In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.

There once was a powerful emperor who needed a new chief swordsman. So he put up posters throughout the land saying he was searching for a new chief swordsmani. But after 2 months, only 3 Samurai applied for the job two Japanese, and a little Jewish guy named Morris. So he interviewed all three.
The emperor first asked the first samurai to demonstrate why he should be his chief swordsman. The Japanese opened a little silver box and out flew a little fly. Whoosh went his sword and the fly dropped dead in two pieces. The emperor was impressed.
The emperor then asked the next samurai to demonstrate why he should be his chief swordsman. He opened a small pearl box and out flew a mosquito. Whoosh, whoosh went his sword and the mosquito dropped dead in three pieces. The emperor was very impressed.
Then the emperor asked Morris to demonstrate why he should be his chief Samurai. Morris opened a small gold box and out flew a wasp. Whoooooossshhh, whoooooossshhh, whooooooossshhh, whoooooossshhh, whoooooossshhh went Morris's sword, but the wasp was still alive and buzzing around the emperor.
The emperor was very disappointed and asked Morris, "After all your sword play, why is the wasp not dead?"
Morris replied, "A circumcision is never intended to kill."

And of course Jewish mothers are a rich vein for mining jokes

Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?

A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?

A: They never let anyone finish a sentence!

Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll just sit here in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody."

Q: What did the waiter ask the group of Jewish mothers?
A: "Is anything OK?"

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A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play.

She asks, "What part is it?"

The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband."

"The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

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A man called his mother in Florida,

"Mom, how are you?"

"Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak."

The son said, "Why are you so weak?"

She said, "Because I haven't eaten in eleven days."

The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in eleven days?"

The mother answered, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."

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A bum walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, "Lady, I haven't eaten in three days."

"Force yourself," she replied.

Short summary of every Jewish holiday:

They tried to kill us. We won. Let's eat.

Pat pitched in a few good suggestions including this new one.

·         You cannot run though a campground.  You can only ran, because it’s past tents.

·         The other day I held the door open for a clown.  It was a nice jester.

·         No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationery.

·         Pasteurize- Too far to see.

·         If you put your grandma on speed dial is that Instagram? 

Whoever invented “knock-knock’ jokes should get a no-bell prize.  I haven’t included any for a long time as most of them are very dated.  Gosh, even the concept of knocking on a door seems quaint these days.  Even so I am going to end my JOWs with three of them.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you going to let me in?

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Dozen.
Dozen who?
Dozen anybody want to let me in?

Knock! Knock!

Who’s there?

Control Freak.

Con—

Okay, now you say, “Control Freak who?”

Winning Lottery JOW #795

The huge Powerball lottery is all in the news these days.  I have heard it said that the lottery is a tax for people who do not understand statistics.  I've done the calculation and my chances of winning the lottery are almost identical whether I play or not.
That may be true, but it does serve a purpose beyond raising money for the government.  Many of the people who buy lottery tickets understand that they have a better chance in winning the lottery than they do working their way out of their drab and difficult lives.  So a one dollar lottery ticket is a cheap bit of hope for them.  After all, who has not dreamed of what they would do if they were really, really rich.  Never mind that more than half of the people who win lotteries have gone through the money within five years or that similar numbers say their lives were actually worse after winning a big lottery.  Their view is echoed in the country song that goes- Money can’t buy happiness – but it can buy me a boat.

Here a few mostly cynical jokes about the lottery.

·         How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

A lottery prayer – “Dear Lord, all I ask for is a chance to prove that winning the lottery won’t make me a bad person.”

A blond woman named Brandi finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial trouble. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray...
"God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."
Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Brandi again prays ..."God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well." Lotto night comes and Brandi still has no luck.
Once again, she prays..."My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are hungry. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Brandi is confronted by the voice of God Himself: "Brandi, meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket."

……………..

If you don't like the idea that most of the money spent on lottery tickets supports government programs, you should know that most of the earnings from mutual funds support investment advisors' and mutual fund managers' extravagant lifestyles.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

 “Son, if you really want something in this life you have to work for it.  Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.” – Homer J Simpson

<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Then there was the guy who won the lottery and only three days later met the beautiful love of his life.  Talk about luck!

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A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window,
"I want to open a damn checking account." To which the astonished woman replies,
"I beg your pardon, sir; I must have misunderstood you.  What did you say?"
"Listen up, damn it.  I said I want to open a damn checking account right now!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank."
So saying, the teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to tell him about her situation. They both return and the manager asks the old geezer,
"What seems to be the problem here?"
"There's no friggin problem, dammit!" the man says, "I just won $50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank!"
"I see," says the manager, "and this damn woman is giving you a hard time?"

^^^^^^^^^^^

This woman runs home and bursts in yelling, "Pack your bags honey, I just won the lottery!" 

He says "Oh wonderful! Should I pack for the beach or the mountains?"

She replies, "I don't care...Just pack them and get out!"

On a non-lottery note, let me pick on vegans. 

Vegans love to say things like, ‘humans are the only animals that drink the milk of other animals.’  Right.  You know what else only human do? Make movies.  Fly airplanes.  Call each other on the phone to tell each other how awesome milk is.

Tom’s Advice on Handling Women:

If a woman is mad at you, just tell her she is over-reacting.  I am sure that she will immediately realize you are right and settle down.

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Word of the day – Kardashian – A Persian word that means ‘Hey look at me!”

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And finally - My early condolences to all of you for not winning tonight’s lottery.

Infant Tile JOW #794

Our next door neighbors just had their first child, which got me thinking about babies.  What is a baby? A soft pink thing that makes a lot of noise at one end and has no sense of responsibility at the other.  But kids are a good source of jokes so here are some Infant Tile Jokes of the week.

Some baby Questions and Answers:

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

Q: What do you get if you cross a baby with soldiers?

A: Infantry

A: What does a baby computer call his father?

A: Data.

Q: Why do we dress baby girls in pink and baby boys in blue?

A: Because they can’t dress themselves.

New parents need a new dictionary for terms that have now changed:

Parent's Dictionary of Meanings
DUMBWAITER: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
FEEDBACK: the inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
FULL NAME: what you call your child when you're mad at him.
GRANDPARENTS: the people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
HEARSAY: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
INDEPENDENT: how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
OW: the first word spoken by children with older siblings
PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.
STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it, and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it and wiping it with saliva.
TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
TWO-MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
VERBAL: able to whine in words

Here is a kid-related joke I like.  I understand it is a true story.

A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The boy admitted that this was the case. "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Ask your mother to explain that to you."

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Dewey and Odell met on the Brownsville main street.

“Say,” said Dewey, “Ah hurd yew and yore wife is goin ta night school ta take Spanish lessons. How cum?”

“Uh huh,” answered Odell. “We went and adopted us a little Mexican baby, and we wanna be able ta understand him when he gets old enough ta talk!”

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Did you hear about the baby that was born in a high tech. hospital?
It came out cordless!

Of course babies are the source of grandchildren – an entirely different obsession.

For two solid hours, the lady sitting next to a man on an airplane had told him about her grandchildren. She had even produced a plastic-foldout photo album of all nine of the children.
She finally realized that she had dominated the entire conversation on her grandchildren.
"Oh, I've done all the talking, and I'm so sorry. I know you certainly have something to say. Please, tell me... what do you think of my grandchildren?"

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to his kids.
After creating Heaven and Earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was: "Don't."
"Don't what?", Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit."
"Forbidden fruit? Really? Where is it?"
"It's over there," said God, wondering why He hadn't stopped after making the elephants.
A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and He was angry.
"Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" the First Parent asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?"
"I dunno," Adam answered.
God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.

Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed. But there is reassurance in this story.
If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give them wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. After all, if God had trouble handling children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

Which got me thinking about Garden of Eden jokes.   Here is one to end with:

Adam was walking all alone around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked him, "What is wrong with you?"
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said that he was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.
God said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you, when you discover clothing, she'll wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Then Adam asked, "Hmmm… seems kind of expensive.  What can I get for a rib?"