Shy Retiring JoW #1086

My jokes are sent this week from the Outer Banks of North Carolina where I am on vacation.  I have noticed that there are a whole lot of older folks out on the beaches here.  I fit right in.  I am so old I have actually dialed on a rotary phone while listening to an 8-track tape.  Yes, back in my day, we didn’t watch TV while we ate dinner. We actually talked to each other. It was awful.  The only trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off.  And retirement can be dangerous.  Retirement kills more people than hard work ever did.  In acknowledgement of the large and ever-growing number of retirees, here are some retirement-related jokes.

 

Retiree riddles

Why do retirees smile all the time?

Because they can’t hear a word you’re saying!

 

How do you know you’re old enough to retire?

Instead of lying about your age, you start bragging about it!

 

What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
There is not enough time to get everything done.

Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Tied shoes.

Why do retirees count pennies?
They are the only ones who have the time.

 

What do mathematicians call retirement?
Aftermath.

 

Where to retire is a pressing concern for some people.  You can retire in ....

Phoenix, Arizona where...

1. You are willing to park three blocks away from your house because you found shade.

2. You’ve experienced condensation on your ass from the hot water in the toilet bowl.

3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.

4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.

5. You know that ‘dry heat’; is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open

your oven door.

6. The 4 four seasons are:tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??

OR

You can retire to California where...

1. You make over $450,000 and you still can’t afford to buy a house.

2. You can learn how to eat an artichoke.

3. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.

4.  The four seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.

OR

You can retire to New York City where...

1. You say, “The City” and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan ....

2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to

Battery Park but can’t find Wisconsin on a map.

3. You think Central Park is ‘nature’.

4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you

multi-lingual.

5. You’ve worn out your car horn. (IF you have a car).

6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

OR

You can retire to Minnesota where...

1. You only have three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup.

2. Halloween costumes have to fit over parkas.

3. You have seventeen recipes for casserole.

4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.

5. The four seasons are: almost winter, winter, still winter, and the Fourth of July.

OR

You can retire to Colorado where...

1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $1500 car.

2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, so he stops at the day care center.

3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.

4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a ponytail.

OR

You can retire to the Nebraska where...

1. You’ve never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.

2. Your idea of a traffic jam is three cars waiting to pass a tractor.

3. You have had to switch from heat to A/C on the same day.

OR FINALLY

You can retire to Florida where...

1. You eat dinner at 4:00 in the afternoon.

2. You can call that dinner ‘Happy Hour’ if alcohol is involved.

3. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.

Some non-retirement jokes

Need a new home for a dog. It is a small terrier that barks all the time. If interested, let me know and I will jump over my neighbor’s fence and get it for you.

>>>>>>>> 

This is the story of a young Seattle college student flying in the right seat of a small plane with an elderly pilot.

The pilot has a heart attack and dies. The young lady passenger frantically grabs the controls and the mike and calls out..... “May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! The pilot just had a heart attack and is dead and I don’t know how to fly. Someone help me!

She then hears a calming voice on the radio saying..... “This is Sea-Tac Air Traffic Control and I hear you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground.  I’ve had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just take a deep breath, stay calm, and everything will be fine. Now give me your height and position.”

The young blonde replies, “I’m 5 2” and I am sitting down.”;

There was a long pause and then the controller said, “O.K Now slowly repeat after me........

“Our Father, who art in Heaven.................”

 

And finally, a left-over pandemic joke

An old couple was presented with an alternative during the recent lockdown.

The administrator sat them down and explained their alternatives.

“I see you have been married for 50 years. We have two alternatives. Option 1 is that you go

into lockdown together. Option 2 is…..”

“I want Option 2.” Interrupted the wife urgently.

 

 

Gracefully (?) Aging JOW #1085

I am glad we don’t have to wear masks anymore.  In New York they have been so masked up for so long they are having ‘lower face reveal’ parties.  And I am sure banks and liquor stores are glad to be able lower their guard a bit every time a man wearing a mask walks in.  Besides, wearing a mask with a beard sort of looks like an ad for woman’s underwear in 1972. 

Despite that lead in on masks, my jokes this week have the theme of getting older.  Dick sent me some of these but I have lots of jokes about people getting older.  Here are a few:

 

I'm at that age where my mind still thinks I'm 29, my humor suggests I'm 12, while my body mostly keeps asking if I'm sure I'm not dead yet.  

Most people don't think I'm as old as I am until they hear me stand up.

 

I got myself a seniors' GPS. Not only does it tell me how to get to my destination, it tells me why I wanted to go there.  I was so happy when I walked into a room the other day and knew why I was there.  It was the bathroom, but still….

You don't realize how old you are until you sit on the floor and then try to get back up.  

 

I see people about my age mountain climbing; I feel good getting my leg through my underwear without losing my balance.  

 

 My mind is like my internet browser: 19 tabs open, three of them are frozen and I have no idea where the music is coming from. 

I'm at a place in my life where errands are starting to count as going out.  

 

They say every piece of chocolate eaten shortens your life by two minutes. I've done the math. Seems I died in 1957.

 

Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed.  

 

It's weird being the same age as old people.  

 

Life is like a helicopter. I don't know how to operate a helicopter.  

 

It's probably my age that tricks people into thinking I'm an adult.  

Shifting gears

A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.  

 

If you can't think of a word say "I forgot the English word for it." That way people will think you're bilingual instead of an idiot.  

So if a cow doesn't produce milk, is it a milk dud or an udder failure?  

I’m so bored that I just memorized six pages of the dictionary.

I learned next to nothing.

Don't be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you. Your vacuum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for years.  

Today I saw a dwarf climbing down a prison wall. 
I thought to myself ‘That's a little condescending.’

People who wonder whether the glass is half empty or half full are missing the point. The glass is refillable.

‌‌I just discovered t‌‌hat t‌‌he w‌‌ord “‌‌nothing” is a‌‌ ‌‌palindrome… It spells “‌‌gnihton”, backward which also means nothing.

The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.

I like an escalator because an escalator can never break. It can only become stairs.

Writing of which, my wife once bought an escalator.  She said it was marked down.

~~~~~~~~~

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Jerry had carved I love you, Sally.
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!
Jerry said, “We've got to give it back.”
Sally said, “Finders keepers.” She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. “Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?”
Sally said, “No.”
Jerry said, “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.”
Sally said, “Don't believe him, he’s getting senile.”
The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him.
One said: Tell us the story from the beginning.
Jerry said, “Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ......”
The first police officer turned to his partner and said, “We’re outta here!”

And finally, mercifully, my last joke

“Doctor, I think my wife is getting hard of hearing.”

“There’s a simple test you can run to see how bad the problem is: Start out 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone say something and see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.”

That evening, the man’s wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he’s in the living room. In a normal tone, he asks, “Honey, what’s for supper?”

No response.

So he moves to the other end of the room and repeats, “Honey, what’s for supper?” Still no response. Next, he moves into the dining room. “Honey, what’s for supper?” No response, so he walks up to the kitchen door. “Honey, what’s for supper?” Again, there is no response, so he walks right up behind her. “Honey, what’s for supper?”

“For the fifth time, Harry, CHICKEN!” 

 

Take me out to the JOW #1084

 

One of the signs that America is coming back to ‘normal’ is full baseball stadiums.  As the oldest continuously played professional sport in the world, baseball has a host of good jokes starting with children and ending with the Cleveland Symphony Orchestra.  What do they have to do with baseball?  Read my JOW and find out.

=======

At one point during a little league game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside

And asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"

"Yes, coach", replied the little boy. "

Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse the umpire, or call him an asshole. Do you understand all that?"

Again, the little boy nodded in the affirmative.

The coach continued, "And when I take you out of the game so that another boy gets a chance to play,

It’s not a dumb-ass decision or that the coach is a shithead is it?"

"No, coach."

"Good", said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother.”

 

Something to ponder:

“Why do we sing ‘Take Me Out to the Ballgame’ when we’re already there?”

 

A couple of Covid jokes

My friend came back from his baseball game and complained it was hot.

He said because of COVID there were no fans.

 

It’s the first baseball game of the 2020 season. A father and son are watching the home opener of their favorite team on television. The first batter up to the plate gets hit with the ball and is walked down to first. While at the base, the runner takes out his mask and begins to put it on.
The boy asks his father, “Why is he covering his face, Dad?”
The father answers, “Watch - he’s going to steal second.”

 

Three baseball riddles

 

·         What goes all the way around the baseball field but never moves?
The fence.

 

·         What’s the difference between a pickpocket and an umpire?
One steals watches and one watches steals.

 

·         When should baseball players wear armor?
When they’re playing knight games.

 

An apartment building is on fire and people are at the window, screaming for help.
“Just jump out the window,” a man yells. “I’m a baseball player. I can catch you.”
One smart resident decided to get more information, first.  “Wait,” he said. “What team do you play for?”
“The Baltimore Orioles,” shouts the man.
“Meh,” shrugs the resident. “I’ll take my chances with the fire.”

+++++++++++

I opened a fresh loaf of bread and found a baseball card wedged between two slices.

It was a Catcher in the Rye.

<<<<<<<<<< 

Did you hear about the Toronto baseball player who got a ticket for illegally crossing the street?  He was Jaywalking

~~~~~~~

A baseball came through my window today

It really hit home

`````````

Some punk kids threw a baseball through the lower half of my window, and then jumped through an entire other window to get it!

Let me tell you, it was a pane and a half to replace.

Here is one of my favorite jokes

A guy walks into a bar with a dog and the bartender says "No pets allowed!"

The guy says "This isn't a pet, he's my friend and he can talk."
The bartender is skeptical and demands the guy proves it.
The guy asks the dog "What's the opposite of 'soft'?"

The dog replies "Rough!"
The bartender remains skeptical and asks for more proof.
The guy asks the dog "What do people put over the top of their house?"

The dog replies "Roof!"
The bartender gets annoyed and gives the guy one more chance.
The guy asks the dog "Who is the greatest baseball player of all time?"

The dog replies "Ruth!"
The bartender is fed up and throws them out.

The man sits disconsolately on the curb.  His dog comes up, sits beside him, looks up at his master and says “DiMaggio?”

^^^^^^

Who was the most basic person to ever play the game of baseball?

Al Kaline (This is a chemistry joke provided by Mr. A. Cid.)

>>>>>>>>>> 

A couple of Yogi Berra's teammates on the Yankees ball club swear that one night the stocky catcher was horrified to see a baby toppling off the roof of a cottage across the way from him. Yogi dashed over and made a miraculous catch - but then force of habit proved too much for him. He straightened up and threw the baby to second base.

 

Or as Dave Berry put it:

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball or catching a falling infant
she will always choose to catch the baby without even considering if there are men on base.

 

And finally

The Cleveland Symphony Orchestra was rehearsing Beethoven's Ninth Symphony. There is an extensive section where the bass players don't play for twenty minutes of so. One of them decided that, rather than stand around on stage looking bored and stupid, they'd all just file offstage during their tacit-time and hang out backstage, then return when they were about to play. It seemed like a good idea at the time.

On the night of the performance, the bass players filed off as planned. The last one had barely left the stage when the leader suggested, "Hey we've got twenty minutes, let's fun across the street to the bar for a few!"

This idea was met with great approval, so off they went, tuxedos and all, to loosen up. Fifteen minutes and a few rounds later, one of the bass players said, "Shouldn't we be heading back? It's almost time."

But the leader announced, "Oh don't worry, we'll have some extra time - I played a little joke on the conductor. Before the performance started, I tied string around each page of his score so that he'd have to untie each page to turn it. The piece will drag on a bit. We've got time for another round!"

So another round they did, and finally - sloshed and staggering - they made their way back across the street to finish Ludwig's 9th.

Upon entering the stage, they immediately noticed the conductor's haggard, drawn and livid expression.

"Gee," one player queried, "Why do you suppose he looks so tense?"

"You'd be tense, too," laughed the leader. "It's the bottom of the ninth, the score is tied and the basses are loaded."