Cino Del JOW #712

Cinco Del Mayo is one of those sort of manufactured holidays special to ethnic interests in the US, much like St Patrick’s Day. (Of course nobody pretends to be a Mexican.)  Cinco Del Mayo does not, as some claim, memorialize the loss of a shipment of Hellman’s Mayonnaise in a tragic shipwreck, but instead commemorates  a Mexican military victory.  Okay, the victory was over the French but any Mexican military victory is noteworthy; they may be snatching at straws but at least the straws are in Margaritas these days.  I myself prefer Star Wars day –May the Fourth (be with you.)  Of course, May the Sixth is National Beverage day, so we have three interesting days in a row.

I thought to have some Mexican-themed jokes this week but most of the ones I found are just not funny to me.  But I gave it a try.  I hope you enjoy.

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A big tough Mexican man married a good-looking Mexican lady and after the wedding, laid down the following rules: "Honey, I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want - and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozin, and card-playing when I want with my buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules! Any comments?"

His lovely new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there'll be sex here at eight o'clock every night - whether you're here or not."
               

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Chi Chi Rodriguez, the famous professional golfer tells this one: “Even after all these years, it's still sometimes hard for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye.”

……………..

Why doesn't Mexico have a very good Olympic team?  Because every Mexican that can run, jump, or swim is already across the border in the USA.

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What do you call two Mexicans playing each other in basketball?  Juan on Juan.

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A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Mexico; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his Mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds,

"But they're twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

Which reminds me of:

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

Or this one:

A guy went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam, then I'm a teepee, and then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"

The doctor replied, "It's very simple. You're two tents."

Keith sent me this one.

A Russian cosmonaut has an emergency during his reentry into earth's atmosphere and his space craft crash lands in the Australian bush, way out in the middle of nowhere.
After what seems like an eternity, he wakes up in a bush hospital clinic, very rustic and dirty, with foul smells, and he is bandaged from head to foot. He sees a very large, somewhat gruff-looking nurse approaching him as he lay in his cot.
"Did I come here to die?" he says with a deep sense of resignation and fear.
"No," the Aussie nurse replies. "You came here yesterday."

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I have had several cartoons sent to me.  The one Tor sent had Jimmy Hendricks in full 60’s psychedelic attire sitting on the opposite side of a desk from a be-suited HR rep who says, ‘Very impressive resume Mr. Hendricks, but are you experienced?” 

And finally Don sent this one.

A man living in Kuala Lumpur with his family tells his wife that he has to fly to Beijing for a business appointment over the weekend and has his ticket on Malaysia Airlines flight MH370 (the now missing plane).  As he always does when taking a business trip, when the plane starts to leave the gate he calls his wife to tell her the plane has departed from the gate and is on time to arrive in Beijing when scheduled.  He said he would call her upon arriving at Beijing to let her know he arrived safely.

Now the dilemma… he's been stuck for over six weeks in his girlfriend's apartment in Kuala Lumpur and still doesn't have the faintest idea how to go home or even when to call his wife…

Barbecue JOW #711

My church had its annual pig roast fund raiser which also involved barbecue and other related food groups.  That got me thinking about outdoor cooking in general which is often practiced by men.  Men are well known for barbequing.  Even men who do not cook will try their hand over a grill.  That is because men will cook if there is an element of danger involved.  Here are some jokes that more or less refer to outdoor cooking.  Or not.

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Barbecuing is the only type of cooking an Australian man will do. When an Aussie declares he will barbecue the following chain of events is put into motion:
1) The woman goes to the store and buys everything.
2) The woman makes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, beer in hand.
4) The man places the meat on the grill.
5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks
her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.
7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
10) Everyone praises man and thanks him for his cooking efforts.
11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed; her night off. Upon seeing her annoyed reaction, he concludes that there's just no pleasing a woman.

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Two confirmed bachelors, let’s call them Pat and Tom sat talking. Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. 'I got a cook book once', said the Tom, 'but I could never do anything with it.'

'Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?' asked Pat.

'You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - 'Take a clean dish and...'

 As the coals from the barbecue burned down, the hosts passed out marshmallows and long roasting forks to enjoy some toasted marshmallows.

Just then, two fire trucks roared by, sirens blaring, lights flashing. They stopped at a house right down the block.
The guests raced out of the back yard, down the street, where they found the owners of the blazing house standing by looking helplessly as their home burned.  They turned and glared at the arriving guests of the barbecue with looks of disgust.

Who suddenly realized that they were all still holding roasting forks with marshmallows on them…

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One day, young Sarah girl was watching her mother make a roast sirloin of beef. She cut off the ends, wrapped it in string, seasoned it and set it in the roasting dish.

Sarah politely asked her mom why she cut off the ends of the roast. Her mother replied, after some thought, that it was the way that her mother had done it.

That night grandma came to dinner and Sarah and her mother asked why she had cut the end off of the roast before cooking.  After some thought grandma replied, she cooked the meat the way her mother had done it.

Now great-grandma was quite old and lived in a residential nursing home, so Sarah, her mum and grandma went to visit her and again asked the very same question.

Great-grandma looked at them a bit surprised and said, 'So it would fit in the old roasting dish I had.'

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-The cannibal's cookbook titled 'How to Better Serve your Fellow Man' was written by a guy who had a wife and ate kids.

-A lawyer-turned-cook is a sue chef.

-Stir-fry cooks come from all woks of life.

-The chef took some cheese and made some grate things.

-Some cooks have a shellfish attitude.

-The compensation received by the Italian chef was a pretty penne.

-You know the restaurant has a clown as a chef when the food tastes funny.

And a few baker jokes

·         A baker stopped making doughnuts after he got tired of the hole thing.

·         Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

·         When baking dog biscuits, be sure to use collie flour.

·         Working in the bakery left her with a loathe of bread.

·         Good bakers will rise to the occasion, it's the yeast they can do.

·         When asked about rumors that he owned a bakery, Shakespeare replied, 'It's much a-dough about muffin.'

·         The gingerbread man thought he couldn't be caught, until he met his baker.

·         The two bakers who traded buns had a roll reversal.

·         Our local baker pays his staff on a flourly rate.

·         Bakeries show how well their business is doing with a pie chart.

·         The baker who always put too much flour in his bread was a gluten for punishment.

·         Old bakers never die, they just keep making lots of dough.

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And of course this joke about a choice of words; in the south any soft drink is called a coke, leading to confusion when you go to other parts of the country.  In the past I've always ordered my soft drinks in a simple way, e.g. 'A Coke, please.'

Lately, though, this hasn't seemed to work. Waitresses now often respond, 'I'm sorry, we don't have Coke. We have Pepsi, Diet Pepsi, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up, Hartridges, Virgin Cola, and Sprite.'

Exhausted by listening to the long list of soft drinks, I thought I'd make life easier. So one day I simply asked for a 'dark, cold, carbonated beverage.'

The young man behind the counter smiled and asked, 'Yes sir, and would you like a long, thin, cylindrical plastic sucking device with that?'

Served me right.

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And finally-

Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:

"Could you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a massive failure for the following reasons:

·         In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant;

·         In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant;

·         In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant;

·         In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant;

·         In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant;

·         In South America they didn't know what "please" meant;

·         In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant;

·         In the UK they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.

Dumb Old JOW #710

My old friend (in every sense of the word) Dick sent me the article below that discusses changes in the SAT.  Apparently the current generation has some problem with obscure (or ‘big’) words.

The specific article follows:

“One big change is in the vocabulary questions, which will no longer include obscure words. Instead, the focus will be on what the College Board calls ‘high utility’ words that appear in many contexts, in many disciplines—often with shifting meanings—and they will be tested in context.”
—The Times, April 16, 2014

 I used to like the SAT.  I felt it provided a meaningful measurement on what you had learned.  Of course I felt that way: I did well on the SAT – therefore it must have been good and accurate.

In recognition of the continuing dumbing down of America I will first submit examples of questions in the ‘new and improved’ SAT.  I will then follow with a series of really stupid jokes – as usual.

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Samples for the new ‘modernized’ SAT:

Directions: Match the italicized slanty word or phrase with its meaning.

1.Mike, like, likes Emily, but not like that. The best meaning of “like” is:

(a) you know
(b) um
(c) similar to
(d) derives pleasure from
(e) lolz

2. Mrs. Fisher explained that the Latin weird expression carpe diem means “seize the day.” “Seize the day” means:

(a) F.T.W.
(b) take action for the future today
(c) twerking
(d) YOLO

3. John threw a party when his parents went away, and it was a catastrophe. “Catastrophe” means:

(a) an epic fail
(b) #latergram
(c) T.T.Y.L.
(d) sup

4.Kelsey was having an identity crisis issue ish. “Identity” means:

(a) Self-conception based on social, political, religious, physical, and other distinctive personal characteristics
(b) Twitter handle
(c) Tumblr account
(d) personal brand

5. Doug’s grandpa is a big Internet troll. “Troll” means:

(a) a magical dwarf who lives in nature
(b) a provocateur person who goes online and writes offensive things just to rile people up
(c) a kind of doll that I played with in kindergarten
(d) Donald Trump

Select Pick the word or phrase that best fits.

6. ____ always using Snapchat.

(a) Your
(b) You’re
(c) Ur
d) Yore

7. The 2004 movie “Mean Girls” is ____.

(a) classic
(b) old-school
(c) a satire of high-school behavior adapted from a best-selling work of nonfiction, written by Tina Fey and starring Lindsay Lohan
(d) old

8. Dave knew he’d be there, so he told his teacher, “See ya then, ____.”

(a) bro
(b) brah
(c) Mr. Edwards
(d) dude

9. When he got to college, Jason discovered that his research skills were severely deficient very bad. “Research” means:

(a) Google stuff
(b) Wikipedia stuff
(c) search for information, both online and at the library
(d) Facebook-stalk

10. The rafting trip was really ____.

(a) cool
(b) kewl
(c) exhilarating
(d) awesome

Essay: Please compose write an essay of at least four tweets in length about a subject topic thing of your choosing. Don’t forget to use punctuation and stuff.

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Here are the stupid jokes:

The Buddhist came up to the hot dog vendor and said, ‘Make me one with everything. ‘
The hot dog vendor gives him the dog and the Buddhist gives him a $20 which the vendor tucks away.
Buddhist – ‘Hey, where’s my change?
Vendor – ‘Change must come from within.’

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An old farmer was looking for a new place.  An overzealous Realtor showed him what could only be described as a totally worn out old farm.  The land had just been worked to death. Even the weeds were hardly growing.

The smiling super salesman said, "Now really, all this land needs is a little water, a nice cool breeze and some good people."

The old farmer replied, "Yeah, I agree, but couldn't the same be said of Hell?"

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A group of young men were sitting around the coffee shop complaining about how hard it was to get by in this day and age. 

Bob, an old timer, was listening to them and finally spoke. "You kids don't know what hard times are. Why, when I was your age we were so poor we couldn't afford electricity. Why, we even had to watch television by candle light."

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A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel in his hat.

The bartender says "Hey pirate, what's with the paper towel?"

The pirate replied "Arr, I got a bounty on me head!"

      

A duck walked into a drugstore and asked for a tube of Chap Stick.
The cashier said, "That'll be $1.49"
and the duck said "Put it on my bill".

Some stupid riddles:

·         What happens if life gives you melons?
You are dyslexic.

·         What's brown and sticky?
A stick

·         What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
That’s a stick, too

·         Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because the chickens wasn't invented yet.

·         How does a spoiled rich girl change a light bulb?
She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment."

This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, fool dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog! ... Now read it without the word dog.

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Finally, this joke was forwarded to me by an unnamed woman who is geographically separated from her husband.  It is funny but somehow makes me uneasy.

A husband and wife came for counseling after 25 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married.
She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, “This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?”
The husband thought for a moment and replied, “Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Fridays, but on Wednesdays, I go shooting.”