Holidaze JOW #1304

The holidays are here in full force.  I always associate this time of year with fall and the onset of winter.  I do not associate it with low temperatures in the mid 70’s.  It is way too hot to be Thanksgiving.  That said, the calendar says it is time for Thanksgiving – and I am genuinely thankful for all my many blessings and look forward to the feast itself.  I have some jokes about Thanksgiving and pies and such.  Happy Thanksgiving to you all!

 

For those who need hints on how to take a nap in a chair after Thanksgiving dinner, let me offer some hints.  

Be old

Sit in a chair after dinner

 

Pavlov's dogs have started a charity for the holidays...

It's called "The Salivation Army"

 

What do you call two spices saying hello to each other during the holidays?

Seasons greetings

 

Where do bears go for winter holidays?

Hiber-Nation

 

In the past, I've tried to slowly wean myself off my unhealthy habit of eating too many Thanksgiving leftovers, but it never works.

This year I'm going to quit cold turkey.  

 

How do you end an argument with your family this Thanksgiving?

Click the 'End Meeting' button

 

Why don’t Greeks celebrate thanksgiving?

Because they hate Turkey

 

Why don’t turkeys mind thanksgiving?

Because they don’t have to worry about buying Christmas presents

 

Why don’t we eat Turducken on Thanksgiving?

It’s too fowl.  Actually, it’s three fowls

 

An exhausted Tyson industrial butcher walks into a bar two days after Thanksgiving and orders a beer. "So you're a butcher, eh?" the bartender asks.

"Do you have to do nasty stuff like pluck the turkeys?"

"Yes," the butcher sighs.

"So which side of a turkey has the most feathers?" the nosy bartender asks.

The butcher sighs again, "The outside."

 

A man went into a cafe for lunch today and ordered the nicest sounding thing on the menu, home-cooked pie.

"Excuse me, love." he said to the waitress, after my first bite. "This is cold."
"Well of course it is." She replied. "I live miles away from here."

 

Speaking of pie, or pi rather.

What do you get when you divide a pumpkin's circumference by its diameter?
Pumpkin-pi!

 

I love pie.

I could eat it 22/7.  (A fractional joke)

 

I think my favorite Thanksgiving food is pie, but some people say that’s irrational.

 

What letter can be made into a pie?

P can

 

What did they call the first person to bake a pie?

A pie-oneer.

 

In Jamaica, a slice of pie costs $3.50. In the Bahamas, a slice of pie costs $5.50.

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

 

Chicken pot pie.

My three favorite things. How about you?

 

A guy opens up a bakery specializing in pies.

He calls it Fool’s Gold Bakery. The slogan is “We do Pyrite.”

 

Did you hear about the sailor who turned into a pumpkin pie?

He's a squashbuckling pirate

 

A man’s wife threw a pie in his face and stormed out of the house.

He was desserted!

 

I was trying to figure out why someone would throw a pie in my face.

And then it hit me.

 

Some good old knock, knock jokes

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Ben!
Ben who?
Ben waiting for Thanksgiving all year!

 

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Gladys!
Gladys who?
Gladys finally Thanksgiving Day!

 

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Dishes!
Dishes who?
Dishes a very bad Thanksgiving joke!

 

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Gwen.
Gwen who?
Gwen do we finally get to eat Thanksgiving dinner?

 

Enough of the holiday theme

My roommate in college always gave us advice on what psychedelics to try on different holidays.

He was the original trip advisor.

 

And old people are not being lazy.  We are just energy efficient.

 

At my age the best part of waking up is realizing you did not die in our sleep

 

The problem is that younger me did not realize there would be an older me.

 

I need a new friend.  The last one escaped.

 

As I have gotten older I have learned that pleasing everybody is impossible.  On the other hand, pissing everybody off is a piece of cake.

 

An Irish Toast

My you live as long as you want and not want for as long as you live.

 

French Toast

Eggs, bread, cinnamon, and syrup

 

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "How did Thanksgiving go at your place?" the bartender asks.

"Oh, it went fine. Had a lot of family over and the wife prepared the meal. I helped out, though. She got a little stressed out and told me she needed some peace and quiet in the kitchen so she could finish cooking," the guy says. "So, I removed all the batteries from the smoke detectors."

 

Finally, as a public service I am providing women some useful tips.

Ladies, sometimes you just have to tell your husband a really long, meandering story involving people he doesn't really know doing things that don't pertain to him. The important thing is knowing when the right time is to do it.

Here are the perfect times to interrupt what he's doing to tell him a story:

---

·        The last two minutes of his team's playoff game: The tighter the score, the better.a

·        When he turns his nightstand lamp off and lays his head on his pillow: He wouldn't do those things if he actually wanted to sleep.

·        On a long car ride: It's not like he can go anywhere.

·        When he's halfway out the door to go hang out with the guys: You can also try stopping the story to do something else and make him wait for you to come back to the story.

·        As soon as he's holding something incredibly heavy: Make sure you don't start until after he has already lifted it, though.

·        When you can tell he needs to go to the bathroom: Hearing you out is far more important than urgent bodily functions.

  

Gender Conflict JOW #1303

 I have a theme about the eternal conflict between men and women.  I was going to tell a joke about old, retired people but none of them work.  So here are a few more jokes about friction between men and women.

 

My stapler broke while stapling my marriage prenup agreement.

I have attachment issues.

 

Doctor: You might have a phobia of marriage. Do you think you have symptoms?

Man: Can’t say I do.
Doctor: Yes. That’s the main one

 

44% of Marriages end in divorce.

That means 56% of marriages end in death.
I love statistics.

 

Son asks dad “How much does marriage cost?”

Dad: “I don’t know son I’m still paying for it”

 

A failed marriage is like an Avengers movie.

First someone snaps, then half your stuff is gone.

 

No man has ever won the ‘notice anything different about me?’ game with a woman.

One difference between a man and a woman is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it usually smells nice.

 

A man read a book on marriage that said treat your wife like you treated her on the first date.

So, after dinner he dropped her off at her parents' house.

 

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant and have a little wine and good food.

She goes on Tuesdays; I go on Fridays.

 

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
10 years and 45 lbs.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

 

What is the difference between marriage and death?

When you're dead you don't wish that you were married.

 

Marriage is like a deck of cards

It starts off with hearts and diamonds, but after a while you'll settle for a club and a spade

 

My marriage just ended because I didn't open the door for my wife.

I swam for the surface instead.

 

One spelling mistake can completely ruin your marriage

I accidentally texted my wife, “I’m having a wonderful time. I wish you were her.”

 

After marriage I figured this out that it's all "psychological".
There is one psycho and there's one logical.

 

John: I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married. Did you?
Bob: I'm not sure. What was your wife's maiden name?

 

If any of you here are thinking of getting married, consider the following before you do. On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.
On the other hand, you don’t.

 

A man had a girlfriend Lorraine in the beginning, but for the longest time he had a crush on Claire-Lee Robins. Eventually Lorraine found out about his secretive feelings, and just like that, she packed her bags and left.
He felt bad about it, but then he realized that – “I can see Claire-Lee now Lorraine has gone.”

 

A son asked his father for advice for a long and happy marriage.

Dad, you and Mom have been happily married for 28 years now. How do you do it?
"That's easy son, when your mom and I first got married, we made a deal. She would make all the little decisions, and I would make all the big decisions."
“Hey, that sounds like a good arrangement. But how do you decide what's a big decision, and what's a little decision?”
"Oh, there haven’t been any big decisions yet."

 

A recent study indicates that the reason men make more money than women is because men are more likely to become engineers, doctors, and lawyers while women are more likely to become female engineers, female doctors, and female lawyers.

 

What advice did Obi-Wan give Luke as his marriage was going downhill?

Use divorce, Luke

 

A man and woman go to marriage counseling.

Therapist: So, you're considering ending the marriage?
Wife: I am sick of all the Star Wars puns.
Husband: Divorce is strong with this one.

 

A man (50) and his wife (23) went out to a restaurant to celebrate their marriage.

They received some disapproving glances at first. Later, the people started calling the husband a “pedo”, “pervert”, and “sicko” and shamed the couple for the age difference.
It completely ruined their 10th anniversary.

 

The Pastor Kid said "My dad's a pastor. He's married a lot of people."
His friend responded, "I don't think pastors are supposed to be marrying more than one person."

 

Paula was anxiously waiting for her daughter Janet's plane to land. Janet had just come back from abroad trying to find adventure during her gap year. As Janet was exiting the plane, Paula noticed a man directly behind her daughter dressed in feathers with exotic markings all over his body and carrying a shrunken head.
Janet introduced this man as her new husband.

Paula gasped out loud in disbelief and disappointment and screamed, "I said for you to marry a rich Doctor .... a RICH Doctor!"

 

And finally

 

A young man was about to propose marriage to his girlfriend...

Naturally, he was really nervous and couldn’t think of how to pop the question. One day they were sitting on the couch and suddenly he just blurted out, “I think we should get married!”
“Wait,” his girlfriend said, taken aback, “are you serious?”
“I think I am,” he said.
“You’re proposing to me here on the couch?” she asked.
“Yes, I guess I am,” he said.
“That’s not much of a proposal,” the girlfriend said. “I think you can do better.”
“I thought so, too,” the young man said. “But your sister already said no.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mishmash JOW #1302

I am just back from my voyage as those of you who got my article know.  If you did not get my article, let me know and I will send it to you.  Normally I have a theme for my jokes, but I have not put one out in so long I find myself a bit stale, so I just took a bunch of random jokes which really lack a central theme.  I hope some of them bring a smile to your face.

 

Congratulations to the LA Dodgers for buying their second straight World Series.  Money may not buy happiness, but if you have enough of it you can buy championships.

 

When a mime dies do his friends observe a moment of talking?

 

Chimps Honor Jane Goodall With 21-Poo Salute

 

I once took a Spanish class on a cruise ship. But I got lost at sí.

 

Getting older gives ‘Twist and Shout’ a whole new meaning

 

I do my own stunts.  Usually not intentionally

 

Never run with scissors. Of course, in my case you can now leave off the last two words.

 

A man fell in a well.
He couldn’t see that well.

 

Why does a mermaid wear seashells?

Because she outgrew her B-shells.

 

Her: Let's exchange numbers

Me: Won't that confuse people who are trying to call us?

 

How do KFC get their corn on the cob so smooth?
They use a kernel sander.

 

The saddest person is the one who has to refill soft drinks from the dispenser because it is "soda pressing".

 

Perhaps the Dallas Cowboy’s star symbol is also its rating.

 

Remember the reason that the grass is greener on the other side might be due to a septic tank issue.

 

‘Evening wear’ does not mean showing up to the party in your pajamas.  I know that now.

 

An old lady was standing on the top deck of a cruise ship, holding tightly onto her hat so that it wouldn’t blow off in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said: “Excuse me. I don’t mean to be rude, but your dress is blowing up in the wind!”

“Yes, I know,” said the lady, “I need both hands to hold onto my hat.”

“But, madam, people can see everything!” said the gentleman.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, “Sir anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!”

 

Another Roman numeral joke

The Ancient Romans were known to use 4 different poisons.
Poison I would kill the victim instantly.
Poison II would lead to lingering deaths

Poison III would make you sick
Poison IV would make you itchy.  (Say it out loud)

 

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define "Great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!" He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

 

I have been enjoying the satirical news feature called the Babylon Bee which mocks some of the silly events with fake or exaggerated headlines such as –

In an effort to appeal to the NFL’s conservative base, they have chosen a man who wears a dress while singing in Spanish.  This year’s Super Bowl will also feature MS-13 Backup Dancers.

 

Some other Babylon headlines:

·        Hamas Rejects Deal to End Genocide After Learning It Would Require Them to Stop Killing Jews

·        Wife Says She Stayed Up All Night Thinking About What You Said About Her Overthinking Things

·        Trump Gives Israel and Palestine Tablets to Play with So They'll Stop Fighting

·        UK Prosecutes Synagogue for Provoking Attacker by Being Openly Jewish

·        Sexist Pete Hegseth Demands Women Be Equal to Men

 

Here is the Babylon Bee’s take on Netflix.

Netflix has come under fire recently for inserting trans content in its kids' programming.   In response to the controversy, the streaming platform revealed plans to revamp its entire children's section with new shows designed to win back angry parents.

Check out these new ‘kid-friendly’ shows:

---

·        Homomelon: This educational show, designed for preschoolers, guides kids through every letter in the LGBTQ+ pantheon.

·        Dora the Sexuality Explorer: Dora, now in her late teens, takes time away from exploring lost ruins to instead find the most important thing... herself.

·        Mickey Mouse Bathhouse: Any child who watches this show will receive an educational experience unlike any other.

·        Queerious George: In the first episode, George sees two men holding hands and wants to know more.

·        How To Trans Your Dragon: Join Hiccup Horrendous Haddock III and Toothless on a brand-new Netflix-exclusive adventure where they provide gender affirming care to a wild dragon.

·        Barney & Friends With Benefits: This delightful blast from the past is indistinguishable from a furry convention.

·        Teletubbies: The hit 1997 show is back. No changes whatsoever.

 

And finally

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He sternly told her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand." Not one hand went up...so she took them home and ate them.

 

Cruisin' JOW #1301

 I will not be doing the JOW for the rest of the month because I will be trapped on a cruise ship on the ocean for 23 days.  Of course, it’s kind of what I paid for.  I enjoy going on cruises.  My wife is not onboard with that, though.  When my wife told her suitcase she wouldn’t be taking a cruise this year she had to deal with emotional baggage.  With a long cruise in my immediate future, my mind turned to jokes about cruising on the sea.

 

Do you have time for a joke about the world’s fastest cruise ship? Don’t worry, it’s a quick one-liner.

 

Holland America Cruises, have ships with names like Volendam, Westerndam, Noordam, and Eurodam.  They have a lot of dam ships.

 

Did you hear the latest trend is installing trampolines on cruise ships? Now everyone is jumping on board.

 

Q: What keeps a dock floating above water?

A: Pier pressure.

 

Q: What type of vegetable isn’t allowed on cruise ships?

A: Leeks

 

Q: Why couldn’t the cruisers play cards?

A: Because they were standing on the deck!

 

A very nervous first-time cruiser met the captain at the welcome reception.

“Do ships like this sink very often?” he asked.

“No,” said the captain. “Usually it’s just the once.”

 

A friend of mine fell overboard while sailing the other day

Sadly, he couldn't swim, so he quickly drowned.
At the funeral service, I gave his family a life preserver.
It's what he would have wanted.

 

Two bankers were the only survivors when their cruise ship sank. They were both clinging to a single life preserver. One banker, knowing that his colleague couldn’t swim, says,

“I think I can make it to shore to get help. Can you float alone?”

The other banker replies, “How can you talk business at a time like this?”

 

A cruise ship passenger is looking out to sea when he sees a small island. On the island, he spots a thin, suntanned man with wild hair. He can see the man jumping up and down and waving.

The passenger turns around and sees the captain, so he draws his attention to the man.

“Captain, what’s up with that guy?”

The captain shrugged his shoulders.

“No idea. He’s always does that when we sail past.”

 

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and asks for a Scotch with two drops of water.

She says: “I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 75th birthday and it’s today!”

“Congratulations!” says the bartender. “This one’s on me.”

As she finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, “I’d like to buy you a drink too”

“Thank you,” says the lady. “I’ll have another Scotch with two drops of water”.

As the bartender gave her the drink, he asked the lady, “I’m so curious. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?

The old woman replies, “Sonny, when you’re my age, you’ve learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.”

 

A rich guy took a cruise to a tropical island and decided to sunbathe on the beach. Wanting an even tan, he took off his luxury watch and slipped it into his pocket.

Back on board at the end of the day, he realized that his watch was gone. It must have fallen out of his pocket. Too embarrassed to admit he’d lost such an expensive item, he decided not to tell anyone.

A moment later, the captain’s voice came on the loudspeaker. “Ladies and gentlemen, this is an announcement to the passenger who lost the Rolex Pearl Master on the beach…the time is now 6:54 PM.”

 

One day a man decided to retire. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until he fell overboard one night.

He washed up on a remote island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.
After about a month, he is lying on the beach one day when a woman rows up to the shore.
In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I live."
"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a rowboat."
"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. " I made the boat from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But where did you get the tools?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "I have a full set of tools where I am living on the other side of the island.

The guy is stunned.
"Let's row over to my place," she says "and I'll give you a tour." She soon docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat.
Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.
While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck.
As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Please sit down."
"Would you like a drink?"
"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."
"Oh, it's not just coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their stories, the woman announces,
" I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs.
No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone “This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing a beautiful outfit made from strategically positioned flowers and leaves. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.
"Tell me, “She begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, " When was the last time you played around?”

He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes.
"You've built a Golf Course too?"

Inapporpriate JOW #1300

 Most of my jokes in my ongoing JOW are pretty mild.  Occasionally, I have a slightly spicy one and perhaps one of my jokes offends someone.  Oh, well.  However, I do have stock of jokes that are almost certainly offensive to one group or another. This is not a problem – one of the sources of humor is the shock effect which can be triggered by bad words or toilet humor.  I don’t really have any of that in this posting, but there should be something in at least one of these to offend somebody.  Read and find out; I bet you find yourself laughing at some of them.

 

Wanna hear a dirty joke?
A man fell in a mud puddle.

Wanna hear a clean joke?
The man took a bath with bubbles.

Wanna hear a dirtier joke?
Bubbles was the woman next door.

 

What was the raciest thing said on TV back in the ‘50s?

“You were pretty hard on the Beaver last night, Wally.”

 

What did the deer say when she came out of the woods?
“I’ll never do that for two bucks again!”

 

The gender-neutral term for sugar daddy is glucose guardian

 

Canadians are wondering if the Trans Canada Expressway was assigned USA at birth.

 

Having sex in an elevator is wrong. On so many levels.

 

What’s the difference between virgin olive oil and extra virgin olive oil?
Uglier olives.

 

And is there a grade of olive oil called slutty olive oil?

 

What’s better than winning a silver medal at the Paralympics?
Being able to walk.

 

A little girl asks her mom, “Before I was born, did you want a little boy or a little girl?”
Mom - “I just wanted a backrub”.

 

Mother scolding her toddler who just spit out the French fries he had just put into his mouth:

Mom – “When you have something in your mouth don’t spit it out, swallow it!”

Dad – Looks at mom

Mom – “Shut up.”

 

A husband asked his wife if sex is a chore to her.

'Not really,' she replied. 'Chores make me feel satisfied afterwards.'

 

A little girl goes to her mother and tells her she learned how babies are made. Her mother asks her what she learned.
"A boy puts his peepee in a girl’s mouth, and a baby is made."
"Oh, sweetie!" replies the mother, "That's not how babies are made. That's how jewelry is made."

 

No means no.
Unless she’s dyslexic, then it’s on.

 

You really What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?
About halfway

 

What’s in common between the Titanic and the 6th sense?
Icy dead people.

 

What do you call a boy tree that wants to be a girl tree?  A trans plant

 

I’m fat but identify as thin.  Does that mean I am trans slender?

 

Why do women need a watch?  There is a clock right there over the stove.

 

After some kids changed their gender, they felt no one would look at them.  It was like they were transparent.

 

Who discovered hair on peaches?

Peach’s boyfriend!

 

If you restrain a straight man with a straight jacket, do you restrain a trans by making a tran’s vest tight?

 

Have you heard about the movie Constipation?
It hasn’t come out yet.

 

What do you call a person who dyes their hair red? 

Trans-gingered.

 

If a man hits a woman with his car whose fault is it?
The man.  He should not drive a car in the kitchen.

 

Catilyn Jenner wanted to join a superhero group but could not decide if she wanted to be an X-man or a Trans-former

 

Dickins Hard Cider had a failed advertising campaign to increase their female market.   Apparently, their slogan “Every woman wants a Hard Dickens Cider” was objectionable.

 

If a trans lesbian goes out with a bisexual, are they a BLT?

 

A doctor walks into the room and tells his patient, “You have to stop masturbating.”

The man looks aghast and says, “Why?”

“Because I’m trying to examine you.”

 

A salesman knocks on the door of a house and a little kid in a bathrobe with a cigar in one hand and a glass of scotch in the other answers the door.
The salesman says, “Hey son, are your parents around?”
The kid says, “What the hell do you think?”

Two cannibals sat around a campfire.
One said “God, I hate my mother-in-law.”
His friend said, “Well then try the potatoes.”

 

Young well-dressed woman - “How dare you pull me over.  Do you know who my father is?

Cop – “No, just like your mom I have no idea.”

 

A family checked into a hotel.  The father went back to the front desk and asked if the porn was disabled.

The clerk was aghast.  “It’s just regular porn you sick pervert.”

 

Men should relate to the trans movement.  After all we spent the first nine months of our lives trapped in a woman’s body.

 

And finally

A young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor?'"

"'Of course, child,' the priest says. 'What may I do for you?'

'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limit and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?'

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you,' she replied.

When they got to customs, the official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, so he asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
Father replied, 'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, which is, to date, unused.'

The customs man let him pass.

Car JOW #1299

 We finally had to let our converted RV van Freda go. It is the end of an era; we no longer go camping.  We are downsizing from a campervan to something smaller, cheaper, and more economical.  All this put me in an automotive mood, so my jokes start out with car-related jokes.

 

Why are European cars the lightest?

because there's no Americans sitting in them.

 

What does Quasimodo drive?

The Hatchback of Notre Dame

 

There is a new term for Caribbean carjackers. 

Pirates of the car I be in

 

What type of fuel do painters prefer?

Whatever makes the van gogh.

 

I read an article about a new revolutionary car that uses cow manure as fuel

But I think it's bullshit

 

What's the difference between a condom and a car?

There's a big market for used cars.

 

What do you call a luxury automobile with a built-in artificial intelligence?

Alexus.

 

What do you get when experiencing rapid decompression in a German luxury automobile?

Mercedes-Bends

 

What do you get when you cross an automobile with a household animal?

A very upset child.

 

General Motors engineers have to have a perfect memory.

They have to recall everything.

 

When you get hit by a guitar truck, is it a fender-bender?

 

My car warning light keeps showing that's it's low on fuel...

... but it's probably just gaslighting me.

 

My wife’s car has a low fuel warning light that tells her when it’s time to drive my car for a couple of days.

 

There are a few criminals in my town that keep stealing wheels from parked police cars.

The cops are working tirelessly to catch the suspects.

 

The United States ruined Hiroshima. Which American city did Japan ruin?

Detroit

 

Int the early 1900’s everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars.

Today everyone has a car and only the rich have horses.
Oh how the stables have turned.

 

A woman in her late 40s had spent years as a birthing assistant.

She had helped bring many babies into the world and loved her work. On the day of her 50th birthday, she abruptly quit her job and used her savings to buy a flashy sports car. She had a midwife crisis.

 

Jim: I hate doctors, a doctor killed my uncle in Madrid.
Brown: That’s sad. What happened?
Jim: He went to a clinic for a heart checkup, the doctor said he was fine. Ninety minutes later, he died on the road.
Brown: Wow. Heart attack?
Jim: No. He was hit by a car.
Brown: The doctor isn’t responsible for that!
Jim: The doctor was driving the car.

 

Two Cadillac SUV drivers got in a fender-bender, got out of their cars, and then started yelling at each other.

Within a few seconds, they were in a fistfight. I guess you could say things Escaladed quickly.

 

 

An old man went to the doctor complaining of a terrible pain in his leg.

“I am afraid it’s just old age”, replied the doctor, “there is nothing we can do about it.”

“That can’t be it,” fumed the old man, “you don’t know what you are talking about.”

“How can you possibly know I am wrong?” countered the doctor.

“Well, it’s quite obvious,” the old man replied, “my other leg is fine, and it’s the exact same age!”

The world fossil fuel industry was shocked by the scandalous public exposure of LITERAL underground "swingers parties". The scandal allegedly involves numerous lustful Coal Union members including prospectors, colliers, dredgers, excavators, and sappers but I refuse to include any sexual or suggestive content on my JOW involving miners.

~~~~~~~

A couple walked into a cheap looking restaurant. As they were about to sit down, they noticed there were crumbs on the seat.  After cleaning up the seat and wiping down the table they sat down. A waitress came over asking them what they wanted. 

“I’ll just take a coffee,” said the man.

“Me too” said the lady “and make sure the cup is clean.”

The waitress returned with their drinks “OK” she said placing down their cups “Now, which one of you wanted the clean cup?”

A guy fuels up his car in a gas station advertised with "Free Sex with Every Fuel Up".

After fueling up his car and going inside to pay the man asks the cashier, "Where is my free sex?"

"Well," replies the cashier "you have to guess a number from 1-10 if you get it right then you get the free sex"

The man answers seven.

"Ah so close it was eight" replies the cashier with a smile.

A few weeks later the same man Is driving with his friend, and they drive by the same gas station with the advertisement and so they decide to stop by. After fueling up and going in to pay the man asks once again "what about my free sex?".

The cashier replies with the same answer "guess a number from 1-10"

“I guess five.”

"Aw so close it was six."

After walking out the man's friend says, "You know this is a scam you never win" The friend replies "No my wife won twice last week."

And finally

A man wasn’t feeling well so he went to the doctor. After examining him the doctor took his wife aside, and said, “your husband has a very sensitive heart. I am afraid he’s not going to make it, unless you treat him like a king, which means you are at his every beck and call, 24 hours a day and that he doesn’t have to do anything himself.

On the way home the husband asked with a note of concern “what did the doctor say?”

“Well,” the lady responded, “he said it looks like you probably aren’t going to make it.”