Cowboy Humor #751

I attended a church retreat this last weekend out near La Grange, which is at the edge of cowboy country.  There was a sign I read that said, “That boy is so confused he don’t know if he found a rope or lost a horse.”  That got me thinking about cowboy and other western jokes and humor such as: The only way to drive cattle fast is slowly.

So here are some western style jokes for your amusement.

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A Texas rancher was working hard at bragging up his great state to a visitor from back east. He finished up his oration with a final comment. “Why, all Texas needs to become the garden spot of the world is good people and water.”
The easterner, not buying a word of it, replied with a grin. “Hear tell, that’s all Hell needs.”

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An Oklahoma rancher and a Texas rancher were discussing their spreads. The Oklahoma rancher said, "From my front porch my land goes as far as the eye can see and a little bit farther."
The Texan nodded. "That's mighty impressive, but I can get up at five o'clock in the mornin', hop in my pickup truck and drive all day and not reach the end of my land before dark."
The Oklahoma rancher nodded in return. "Yeah..., I had a truck like that once, but I finally got rid of the damn thing."

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Texans claim that Oklahoma is just an outlying province of Texas, but Oklahomans say nobody can out lie a Texan.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Texas has the most beautiful women in the world.  Why?  Because if they are not pretty by the time they are 12, they ship them off to Oklahoma.

……………….

A tough old cowboy was counseled that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.  He did this faithfully to the age of 99.  When he died, he left 4 children, 12 grandchildren, 15 great grandchildren, and a 15 foot hole in the ground where the crematorium used to be.

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An insurance salesman was getting nowhere in his efforts to sell a policy to a rancher. “Look at it this way,” he said finally. “How would your wife carry on if you should die?”
“Well,” answered the rancher after giving it some thought, “I don’t reckon that’s any concern of mine, so long as she behaves herself while I’m alive.”

+++++++++++++++++++++++++

Old Jeb was slowly working his way back to the ranch after drinking all night at the local saloon. As he wandered along the river he notices a group of people gathered around and there seems to be some sort of a commotion.
Jeb heads his horse in their direction to get a better look and as he reaches the water’s edge he falls off his horse...Turns out the group was in the middle of a baptism.
The preacher grabs Jeb by the shoulders and asks him "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
Old Jeb, too drunk to realize what he was getting into answers "Sure."
Upon that the preacher dunks him under the water and then pulls him up and asks, "Have you found Jesus?"
Jeb says "no" so the preacher dunks him again and asks him "have you found Jesus?"
Again Jeb says "no" so this time the preacher dunks him and holds him under for almost a full minute and then brings him to the surface and again asks him "Have you found Jesus?"
By this time Jeb is half drowned. He coughs and hacks and spits up some water and says,
"Not yet! Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

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The eastern lady who was all ready to take a horseback ride said to the cowboy, "Can you get me a nice gentle pony?" "Shore," said the cowboy. "What kind of a saddle do you want, English or western?"

"What's the difference?" asked the lady.

"The western saddle has a horn on it," said the cowboy.

"If the traffic is so thick here in the mountains that I need a horn on my saddle, I don't believe I want to ride."

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

Two cowboys went to a night club show. As the chorus girls pranced out to perform their number, one cowboy turned to the other and whispered, “See that fine lookin’ gal on the left end. I feel like taking her out again.”
“Why I didn’t know you had taken her out before,” answered the other.
“Well I ain’t,” came the reply. “But felt like that once before.”

SOME COWBOY INSULTS

His family tree was a shrub.

He didn't have nuthin' under his hat but hair.

His brain cavity wouldn't make a drinkin' cup for a canary bird.

She's so ugly, she could back a buzzard off a gut-wagon.

He was so ugly he had to sneak up on a dipper to get a drink of water.

He was so lazy, molasses wouldn't run down his legs.

He was ugly as a burnt boot.

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Cowboy Computer Specialist

Log On: Making a wood stove hot

Log Off: Too much wood on fire

Monitor: Keep'n an eye on the wood stove

Down Load: Gitten the farwood off'n the truck

Mega Hertz: What ya git when ya git thrown offn yur horse

Floppy Disk: Whatcha git from tryin to tote too much farwood

RAM: That thar thang what splits the farwood

Hard Drive: Gitten home in the winter time

Windows: Whut to shut when its cold outside

Screen: Whut to shut when its black fly season

Byte: Whut dem dang flys do

Chip: Munchies fer the TV

Micro Chip: Whut's in the bottom of the munchie bag

Modem: Whatcha do to the hay fields

Dot Matrix: Ole Dan Matrix's wife

Lap Top: Whar the kitty sleeps

Keyboard: Whar you hang the dang truck keys

Software: Dem dang plastic forks and knifes

Mouse: What eats the grain in the barn

Mouse Pad: That's hippie talk fer where the mouse lives

Main Frame: Holds up the barn roof

Port: Fancy flatlander wine

Enter: Notherner talk fer "C'Mon in y'all"

Click: Whut you hear when you cock yer gun

Double Click: When you cock the double barrel

Reboot: Whut you have to do right before bedtime, when you have to go to the outhouse

And finally:

 New Mexicans always resented all the Texans who came over to ski.  I actually heard this in a ski line in Sante Fe:

“If God had meant for Texans to ski, he would have made bullshit white.”

“Yeah, well if God had meant for you New Mexicans to ski, he would have given you more money.”

Differcnces between Men and Women JOW #750

According to new research women like to date men who make them laugh due to evolutionary differences hard-wired into our brains.  Scientists found that women's brains show greater activity than men's in reward-related regions in response to humor.  The finding is consistent with the theory that women have evolved to appreciate humor, whereas men have evolved to produce humor.  According to this view, women use a man's ability to make them laugh as a way to judge his genetic fitness as a suitable partner and potential father.  Of course women say the real reason is because men so ridiculous that they are just easier to laugh at.  And come to think of it, the whole theory may be wrong - you don't see women trampling over Tom Cruise to get to Gilbert Gottfried, do you?

Science also indicates that that men tend to fall in love with things they see and women tend to fall in love with something they hear.  This is why women wear makeup and men lie.

George Carlin may have put it best: women are crazy and men are stupid.  And the reason women are crazy if because men are stupid.

Dave Berry had some insight between men and women

Magazines:
Men: Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body.
Women: Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Most naked men elicit laughter from women.

Bathrooms:
Men: A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
Women: The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man cannot identify most of these items.
Shoes:
Women: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk.
Men: A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day. Let's not talk about how many days he'll wear the same socks.

Cats:
Women: Women love cats.
Men: Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
Children:
Women: A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.
Men: A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

The Phone:
Men: Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people.
Women: A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

Jewelry:
Women: Women look nice when they wear jewelry.
Men: A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.

Friends:
Women: Women on a girls' night out talk the whole time.
Men: Men on a boy's night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are "Pass the Doritos" or "got any more beer?"

Restrooms:
Women: Women use restrooms as social lounges. Women who've never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends. Women also go to the restroom in packs, at least two women at a time excuse themselves to use the restroom.
Men: Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Men in restrooms will never speak a word to each other. And never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, "Hey, Tom, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?"

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

And from Clay:

Q: Why don’t cannibals eat divorced women?

A: Too bitter

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English, unlike languages such as Spanish or French, is a gender neutral language.  But if words did have a gender here are a few suggestions for those words’s gender:

·         Tire - male, because it goes bald and often is overinflated.

·         Sponges - female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.

·         Hammer - male, because it hasn’t evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

·         Kidneys - female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.

·         Ziploc Bags - male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.

·         Web Page - female, because it is always getting hit on.

·         Shoe - male, because it is usually unpolished, with it's tongue hanging out.

·         Remote Control - female, because it gives men pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

·         Swiss Army Knife - male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of it's time just opening bottles.

·         Copier - female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up, it is an effective reproduction device when the right buttons are pushed, and it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.

·         Hot Air Balloon - male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it... and of course, there's the hot air part.

·         Hourglass - female, because over time the weight shifts to the bottom.  (fooled you, didn’t I?)

·         Subway - male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

Place names JOW #749

My next book signing event will be in Livingston, Texas, about sixty miles north of my home.  While driving up there I sometimes have to go through the charmingly named town of Cut and Shoot, Texas.  That got me thinking about other interesting place names.  A short search turned up such places as Humptulips, Washington; Titty Hill, England; Anus, France; Cool, California;  Beer, in Devon, England; Disco, Tennessee; Fear Not, Pennsylvania; Rest and Be Thankful, Utah; Argyll and Butte, Scotland;  Arsenic Tubs, New Mexico; Dismal, Tennessee (obviously); Double Trouble, New Jersey (even more obviously)  & Boring City, Oregon.  Everyone is familiar with Intercourse, Pennsylvania, but I was not aware of the German town of Fucking, which apparently does not have the same meaning in German as it does in English.  The story I read was that it became so common for couples to take selfies under the sign while, well, ‘doing it’ that the township had to erect closed circuit televisions to aid law enforcement.  Which then made me wonder, why make a selfie of yourself and your sweetie in the act, (which must be acrobatically challenging) when you could just go to the police station and get a copy from the cops?

In the course in my travels, I have been in a lot of places but apparently I have never been in cahoots.  I hear you can’t go there alone, as you need to be in Cahoots with others.  I have never been in Cognito, either but even if I had you would not have recognized me.  Nor I have I been in Sane, although a few people nearly drove me there which is better than jumping to Conclusions.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they approached the town of Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town.
They went back and forth until they stopped for lunch. At the counter, one tourist asked the employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?"
The guy leaned over the counter and said, "Burrr-gerrr Kiiing."

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Then they got into an argument about how to pronounce Hawaii.

One insisted it was ‘Havaii’ while the other said the w was pronounced – “Hawaii.”

Once again they asked a strange to judge the correct pronunciation.

“It is pronounced ‘Havaii’,” he told them.

“See”, crowed the winner.  “Thank you my good man for your help.”

“You’re velcome,” the Swede replied.

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A Scot, an Englishman and an Irishman sit in a pub and discuss the best pubs around.
The Englishman says, "There's a pub in the West Midlands where the landlord buys you a drink for every one that you buy."
The Scot is not impressed and says, "That's nothing! In the Highlands I know a place where every time you buy a drink, the landlord buys you two.
The Irishman, totally unimpressed, says, "That's nothing. In Dublin there's this pub where everyone buys your drinks all night, and you can get laid every night."
The Scot and Englishman are well impressed and ask if the Irishman goes there a lot.

He replies "No, but my sister told me all about it."

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Two girls have a flat and have to pull over to the side of the road.

Concerned about safety the brunette asks her friend to get out and check her hazard lights.

"Are my flashers on?" she asks.

The blonde calls back. "Yup. Nope. Yup. Nope. Yup."

>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

A cop pulls over a blonde for speeding and asks her for her license.

"You cops should get it together," she said. "One day you take away my license, and the next day you ask me to show it to you."

Finally, some random thoughts:

·         There is a new Jurassic Park movie coming up.  I have an ad line they can use:  If you love something set it free…well, unless it is a T-Rex.

·         And there is a new zombie movie coming out: “You Only Live Twice.”

·         If necessity is the mother of invention, is MacGyver the father?

·         Always give 100% - unless you are giving blood.

·         I may be crazy but at least I have each other.

·         Synonym – a word used for one you can’t spell

·         The misuse of the word ‘literally’ makes me figuratively insane.

·         5/4ths of all people have trouble with fractions

·         There is a fine line between the numerator and the denominator.

·         Wanted, dead or alive: Schrödinger’s Cat

·         I have not yet begun to procrastinate.

·         If you have a Tex-Mex emergency do you call nine-Juan-Juan?

·         If life gives you lemons, keep them because, hey, free lemons.

·         But if life gives you melons, you may be dyslexic.

·         Dear Math, I am not a therapist.  Find solve your own problems.

·         Dear Algebra, please stop asking me to find your X.  She is not coming back.

·         Everything is easier said than done.  Well, except for talking… that is about the same.

·         What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

Literary JOW #748

I have been following a literary thread from some friends lately.  Their literary comments have gotten a bit crazy – going off the tracks like a runaway Twain.  Some are so convinced that their favorite writer is the best that they all they say is ‘Hemmingway or the highway.’  I like the poetry of Edgar Allen but he is just a Poe boy and nobody loves him.  And his raven – “Nevermore” – so passive aggressive.  As they say the pen is mightier than the sword, but only if the sword is quite small and the pen is really, really big and sharp.

It is wonderful that some people still read books.  Of course, these days literature falls into two broad categories: books you want to be seen reading but don’t really want to read, and books that you want to read but do not want to be seen reading.  That is why 50 Shades of Gray should come in a book cover that says “Wuthering Heights” or something.

But with that on my mind, here are some literary jokes.

Can you imagine getting a Valentine’s Day from a famous author?

·         Just take this stupid phony card. Love J.D. Salinger

·         If I am forced to endure your company I think I might eventually come to love you.  Love, in the end, Jane Austin

·         I think I might have loved you, once.  In the rain.  Love Ernest Hemmingway

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A man walks into a book shop and says, ‘Can I have one of Shakespeare’s works?’

‘Of course, sir,’ says the salesman. ‘Which one?’

The man replies, ‘William.’

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A chicken runs into a library, goes to the main desk and says, ‘Book, bok, bok, boook.’ The librarian hands the chicken a book and it tucks it under its wing and runs out. A while later, the chicken runs back in, throws the book on the desk and says, ‘Book, bok, bok, bok, boook.’ Again the librarian gives it a book, and the chicken runs out with it. A few minutes later the chicken is back, and returns the book saying, ‘Boook, book, bok, bok, boook.’ The librarian gives the chicken a third book, but this time follows it as it runs out. The chicken runs down the street, through a park and down to the river where a frog is sitting on the bank. The chicken holds up the book to the frog, saying, ‘Book, bok, bok, boook’.

The frog replies, ‘Read-it, read-it, read-it…’

We authors get no respect.

·         ‘From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter – someday I intend reading it.’ Groucho Marx

·         ‘I read part of the book all the way through.’ Samuel Goldwyn

·         ‘I just received the copy of the book you sent me.  I shall waste no time reading it.’ Winston Churchill

^^^^^^^^^^^^^

A writer sends his manuscript to a publisher with a note saying, ‘None of the characters in this story bear any resemblance to any person living or dead.’ The publisher sends back the book with a note saying, ‘That’s what’s wrong with it.’

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A writer dies and Saint Peter offers him the choice of Hell or Heaven. To see what he has in store Saint Peter takes him to Hell where rows of writers are chained to their desks being whipped by demons in a steaming dungeon. However, when they get to Heaven the writer is astonished to see that nothing has changed – rows of writers are chained to their desks in a steaming dungeon being whipped. ‘Hey!’ says the writer, ‘this is just as bad as Hell!’ ‘No, it’s not,’ replies Saint Peter. ‘Up here you get published.’

………………………….

I had a dream last night that I wrote Lord of the rings, I was Tolkien in my sleep!

+++++++++++++++++++

Dick is introduced to an author at a party. ‘My last book was terribly difficult,’ the author says. ‘It took me over six years to complete.’

‘I can sympathize,’ replies Dick. ‘I’m a slow reader myself.’

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

A man finds an old violin and an oil painting in his attic and takes them to be valued. ‘You know what you’ve got here,’ says the antiques dealer. ‘A Stradivarius and a Rembrandt.’

‘Wow!’ says the man. ‘So they must be worth millions.’

‘Unfortunately not,’ replies the dealer. ‘Rembrandt made the violin and Stradivarius painted the picture.’

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Writer to critic, ‘So what’s your opinion of my book?’

Critic, ‘It’s worthless.’

Writer, ‘I know, but I’d like to hear it anyway.’

===============

A critic is like a legless man teaching running.

And finally,

What is Forrest Gump’s computer password?   1Forrest1