As some of you know I was helping my friend Craig bring his boat around from Key West to Texas. Unfortunately we had not counted on the attentions of Tropical Storm Debbie which formed as soon as we had departed and sat out on the middle of the Gulf right where we had intended to transit. We were blessed to receive the hospitality of a two acquaintances,Tom and Genie, who allowed us to moor at the dock outside their lovely house in Tarpon Springs. They are two of the nicest people on earth, taking in three virtual strangers into their home. Oh, yes, and Genie is also a gourmet cook. For a while Craig and I suspected that me might have actually not survived the experience and had gone to our reward.
Debby squatted out in the Gulf, closing it to passage for a week or more. I rented a car and returned home not by boat but by Avis; a thousand miles is a long way to drive in one day.
Thus my JOW this week is somewhat related to sailing or at least has a bit of a nautical theme. As Tennyson put it, “And may there be no moaning at the bar, when I put out to sea.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A sailor, after running aground on a sand bar, paid a passing fisherman fifty dollars to pull him off with his boat.
After he was off the bar, he said to the fisherman, "At those prices, I should think you could make a real living pulling people off night and day."
"Can't," replied the fisherman. "At night I haul sand out to the bar."
>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Some nautical terms explained:
• BOAT - Break Out Another Thousand
• Fluke - The portion of an anchor that digs securely into the bottom, holding the boat in place; also, any occasion when this occurs on the first try.
• Zephyr - Warm, pleasant breeze. Named after the mythical Greek god of wishful thinking, false hopes, and unreliable forecasts.
• Freeboard - Food and liquor supplied by the owner.
• Cruising - Repairing your boat in exotic locations.
• Why do sopranos make good sailors? Because they can handle high seas.
• Headway - What you are making if you can get the toilet to work.
• Pulpit - somewhere you pray you are going to pick up a mooring buoy.
• Tabernacle - something similar to pulpit, but a different religion.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Bill and Tom had rented a boat and scuba gear to seek treasure off the coast of the Carolinas. They had been diving in various locations, with little success. It was starting to get very late, when they happened upon this old trunk on the bottom. The trunk was too heavy for them to raise, so they decided to come back the next day and bring tools to open it.
While on the boat, they looked around and realized they were several miles off shore.
Bill said, “Tom we need to somehow mark this spot, so we can find it tomorrow!"
Tom took a can of black paint and marked a big "X" on the bottom of the boat.
Bill, absolutely dumbfounded, said "Tom, I can't believe you did that! What if we can’t rent this same boat tomorrow?"
…………………………………………..
News Flashes:
- Two barges from Texas A & M, one carrying a cargo of red paint, other loaded with blue paint have collided at sea. Last radio contact confirmed that both crews were marooned.
-A ship carrying a cargo of yo-yos, bound for San Francisco from Hong Kong, was hit by a typhoon and has sunk - twenty-three times.
++++++++++++++++++++++++
A Naval officer (which Navy will go unspecified) was being court-martialed for an incident where he was seen chasing a giggling young lady through the hallways of the hotel in which they were both staying.
Neither of them were wearing any clothing. One of the charges levied against the officer was that of "being out of uniform."
The officer’s lawyer argued that the he was not out of uniform, as the regulations read: "A Naval officer must be at all times be appropriately attired for the activity in which he is engaged."
The officer was acquitted.
Okay, finally a math problem; not just any math problem but the most dreaded kind, the Word Problem.
Three couples had rented a sailboat for the weekend, at a cost of $300.00. Each couple had chipped in $100.00 a piece to cover the cost of the boat. As they were getting ready to make way, a dock
hand flagged them down to say, "the owner of this boat has decided to give you back $50.00 in hopes to entice you to come back on another occasion." he proceeded to hand them 5- $10.00 bills.
The couples
then realized, there wasn't an easy way to divide 5- $10 bills equally between themselves. So they gave the dock hand a $20.00 tip and then divided the remaining 3- $10 between each couple.
So they each paid $100.00 apiece originally for the boat rental, and received $10.00 back. Then in essence they paid $90.00 for the boat.
Thus
$90 (The amount each couple paid) x 3 (The amount of couples) = $270 +
$20 (The tip they gave the dock hand) = $290.
Where did the other $10 go?
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Monday, June 18, 2012
Greek-Like JOW
I just read that the EU will spend $319 billion to bail out the profligate Greek – about the same amount of money the US spent on the entire Space Shuttle program. Since the entire Greek economy is something of a joke I thought to provide you all with a few jokes with a Greek theme.
One of the oldest jokes on record (that is funny to modern tastes) is from the Greeks.
It seems a Greek philosopher ran afoul of an eastern despot who ordered the man to be executed.
“But sire,” the Greek protested, “I have many valuable things to teach you.”
“What can you possibly teach that is of interest to me?”
“Anything – I am such a fine teacher I can teach your horse to speak. If I cannot have him speaking to you in one year than you can go ahead and execute me.”
Intrigued, the King gave orders that the philosopher was to be housed in the stables and given unlimited access to the King’s favorite horse.
A few days later one of the philosopher’s friends came to visit him. The philosopher was sitting comfortably next to the stall where the King’s horse was kept.
“What are you thinking?” his friend challenged him. “You cannot teach a horse to talk.”
“I know. But a year is a long time. I may pass away naturally. The King may die. Or I may be able to teach this horse how to talk.”
---------------------------
In an ancient monastery in Greece, a new monk arrived to join his brothers in copying books and scrolls in the monastery's scriptorium. He was assigned as a rubricator on copies of books that had already been copied by hand.
One day, he asked Father Florian (the Armarius of the Scriptorium), "Does not the copying by hand of other copies allow for chances of error? How do we know we are not copying the mistakes of someone else? Are they ever checked against the original?"
Friar Florian is set back a bit by the obvious logical observation of this youthful monk. "A very good point, my son; I will take one of the latest books down to the vault and compare it against the original."
Friar Florian went down to the secured vault and began his verification. After a day had passed, the monks began to worry and went down looking for the old priest. They were sure something must have happened. As they approached the vault, they heard sobbing and crying. When they opened the door, they found Friar Florian sobbing over the new copy and the original ancient book, both of which opened before him on the table. It was obvious to all that the poor man had been crying his old heart out for a long time.
"What is the problem, Reverend Father?" asked one of the monks.
"Oh, my Lord," sobbed the priest, "the word is 'celebrate'!"
……………………………………
A Greek and an Italian were drinking coffee one day discussing who had the superior culture.
Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon".
Arching his eyebrows the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."
The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics." The Italian, nodding in agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."
And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.
With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"
The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women."
This one is from Eric is not exactly Greek but is sort of related to the talking horse
A young cowboy goes off to college.
Half way through the semester, he had foolishly squandered all his money.
He calls home. "Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!"
"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1,000," the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course." So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.
About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home. "So how's Ol' Blue doing son?" his father asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"
"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he gave the dog away.
When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. "Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicking back in the recliner and reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?"
The father exclaimed, "I hope you can get rid that SOB before he talks to your Mother!"
"Sure, Dad, I can do it for only $5000."
"Good, here is the money. Take care of it."
The kid went on to law school, and is now a Congressman.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
A couple is having dinner in a restaurant when the wife suddenly blurts out “I love you.”
The husband says: “Is that you or the wine talking?”
The wife replies: “It's me, talking to the wine.”
And finally something completely different-
Two cows are standing in a field, talking to each other.
One cow says, "Hey, aren't you worried about getting that mad cow disease everyone is talking about?"
The other cow says, "Why should I? I'm a chicken."
One of the oldest jokes on record (that is funny to modern tastes) is from the Greeks.
It seems a Greek philosopher ran afoul of an eastern despot who ordered the man to be executed.
“But sire,” the Greek protested, “I have many valuable things to teach you.”
“What can you possibly teach that is of interest to me?”
“Anything – I am such a fine teacher I can teach your horse to speak. If I cannot have him speaking to you in one year than you can go ahead and execute me.”
Intrigued, the King gave orders that the philosopher was to be housed in the stables and given unlimited access to the King’s favorite horse.
A few days later one of the philosopher’s friends came to visit him. The philosopher was sitting comfortably next to the stall where the King’s horse was kept.
“What are you thinking?” his friend challenged him. “You cannot teach a horse to talk.”
“I know. But a year is a long time. I may pass away naturally. The King may die. Or I may be able to teach this horse how to talk.”
---------------------------
In an ancient monastery in Greece, a new monk arrived to join his brothers in copying books and scrolls in the monastery's scriptorium. He was assigned as a rubricator on copies of books that had already been copied by hand.
One day, he asked Father Florian (the Armarius of the Scriptorium), "Does not the copying by hand of other copies allow for chances of error? How do we know we are not copying the mistakes of someone else? Are they ever checked against the original?"
Friar Florian is set back a bit by the obvious logical observation of this youthful monk. "A very good point, my son; I will take one of the latest books down to the vault and compare it against the original."
Friar Florian went down to the secured vault and began his verification. After a day had passed, the monks began to worry and went down looking for the old priest. They were sure something must have happened. As they approached the vault, they heard sobbing and crying. When they opened the door, they found Friar Florian sobbing over the new copy and the original ancient book, both of which opened before him on the table. It was obvious to all that the poor man had been crying his old heart out for a long time.
"What is the problem, Reverend Father?" asked one of the monks.
"Oh, my Lord," sobbed the priest, "the word is 'celebrate'!"
……………………………………
A Greek and an Italian were drinking coffee one day discussing who had the superior culture.
Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon".
Arching his eyebrows the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."
The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics." The Italian, nodding in agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."
And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.
With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"
The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women."
This one is from Eric is not exactly Greek but is sort of related to the talking horse
A young cowboy goes off to college.
Half way through the semester, he had foolishly squandered all his money.
He calls home. "Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!"
"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1,000," the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course." So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.
About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home. "So how's Ol' Blue doing son?" his father asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"
"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he gave the dog away.
When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. "Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicking back in the recliner and reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?"
The father exclaimed, "I hope you can get rid that SOB before he talks to your Mother!"
"Sure, Dad, I can do it for only $5000."
"Good, here is the money. Take care of it."
The kid went on to law school, and is now a Congressman.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
A couple is having dinner in a restaurant when the wife suddenly blurts out “I love you.”
The husband says: “Is that you or the wine talking?”
The wife replies: “It's me, talking to the wine.”
And finally something completely different-
Two cows are standing in a field, talking to each other.
One cow says, "Hey, aren't you worried about getting that mad cow disease everyone is talking about?"
The other cow says, "Why should I? I'm a chicken."
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Clockwork JOW
I had opportunity this week to visit my old friends Charles and Jane. Charles made his living making clocks – not assembling clocks, making clocks from scratch; that is he takes sheets of brass and metal bar stock and creates the gears and wheels, then assembling the bits into a pendulum clock. As they say, ‘a clockmaker is someone who doesn't charge extra for working over time.’
I brought him the clock I purchased from him sixteen years ago in for some minor work. (Okay, I confess, I took it apart and was unable to reassemble it.) Charles made reassembling it look easy. Actually it was easy if you are as mechanically gifted as Charles is; here is example for you engineers – he made a working scale model Sterling engine from bits he had lying about. He has a workshop that any small boy would give a limb to explore.
Jane suggested a JOW with a clock theme and as it seemed a ‘timely’ suggestion here it is.
*******************
Many years ago there was this handsome old sea captain who retired from the sea; he bought a little white house on top of a hill overlooking a small seaside village and lived there all alone. He converted the windows to portholes and the stairways to ladders, scraped the rust off everything and had it ship-shape in every way. Out in the yard he mounted a small cannon, which he fired off every day at precisely noon. He associated with nobody except the lad who brought him groceries and other things from the village, and even then he mostly hauled the basket up to his window with a rope and pulley. He had a peg leg, of course, but didn't make much of it, since he wore good long canvas pants at all times. He spent much of his time with his glass, looking out towards the horizon for passing ships, and sometimes studying the village, too. He got to know all the streets and shops, and even many of the people as they passed in and out: those who bought pork chops and those who bought lamb and what kind of hats and gloves they bought and where. One shop in particular was important to him - the shop of the watchmaker, who sold and repaired clocks. He had a large clock hanging outside (a real one, showing the time, and hanging from two heavy chains) as his sign. It was by this clock that the sea-captain set his own watch, for in those days radio and television had not yet been invented. So that while the villagers did not know the sea captain, he knew them. One day he decided to go down and have a closer look. He went to the butcher, the shoemaker, the baker and the dry-goods store. Nobody recognized him and he didn't tell. When he went to the watchmaker's he spent some time looking at the displays and asking some technical questions about the tools and such. Then he asked how the watchmaker set the time on his clocks.
"Well, there's this crazy old sea captain who lives up on that hill there, and every day exactly at noon he fires off this cannon,”
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Bill bought an old clock at a flea market. A couple of days later he went back to the merchant and complained that the clock was losing 15 minutes every hour.
“Didn’t you see the sign?” the merchant asked. “It said ‘25% off."
++++++++++++++++++++++
A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided to stop at the next city he came to, and park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep. As luck would have it, the quiet place he chose happened to be on one of the city's major jogging routes. No sooner had he settled back to snooze when there came a knocking on his window. He looked out and saw a jogger running in place. "Yes?"
"Excuse me, sir," the jogger said, "do you have the time?"
The man looked at the car clock and answered, "8:15".
The jogger said thanks and left. The man settled back again, and was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window and another jogger. "Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?"
"8:25!"
The jogger said thanks and left. Now the man could see other joggers passing by and he knew it was only a matter of time before another one disturbed him. To avoid the problem, he got out a pen and paper and put a sign in his window that read, ‘I do not know what time it is.’
Once again he settled back to sleep. He was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window by a jogger.
"Sir, sir? It's 8:45."
========================
A blonde asked someone what time it was. They told her it was 4:45. The blonde, with a puzzled look on her face replied, "You know, it's the weirdest thing, I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer."
…………………………………….
Stella died and went to heaven. As she stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, she saw a huge wall of clocks behind her. She asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said Stella, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Billy Graham’s. The hands have never moved, indicating that he has never told a lie."
"Incredible," said Stella. "And whose is that one?"
St Peter responded, "That's Tim Tebow’s clock. The hands have moved a few times, telling us that he told only a few lies in his entire life."
"Where's John Edwards’ clock?" asked Stella.
“His clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Harvey's grandfather clock suddenly stops working right one day, so he loads it into his van and takes it to a clock repair shop.
In the shop is a little old man who has a heavy German accent. He asks Harvey, "Vat sims to be ze problem?"
Harvey says, "I'm not sure, but it doesn't go 'tick-tocktick -tock' anymore. Now it just goes 'tick...tick...tick.'"
The old man says, "Mmm-Hm!" and steps behind the counter, where he rummages around a bit. He emerges with a huge flashlight and walks over the grandfather clock.
He turns the flashlight on, and shines it directly into the clocks face. Then he says in a menacing voice, "Ve haf vays of making you tock!"
And that dialect joke reminds me of another one
A director is screen testing Sylvestor Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger for a new film about classic composers. Not having figured out who to give which part to, he asks Sly who he would like to be.
Stallone says "I like Mozart. I want to be Mozart"
So the Director says, "Very well, you can be Mozart" Then he turns to Arnie and says "Arnie, who would you like to play ?"
And Arnie says "Ah'll be Bach!"
Tom
I brought him the clock I purchased from him sixteen years ago in for some minor work. (Okay, I confess, I took it apart and was unable to reassemble it.) Charles made reassembling it look easy. Actually it was easy if you are as mechanically gifted as Charles is; here is example for you engineers – he made a working scale model Sterling engine from bits he had lying about. He has a workshop that any small boy would give a limb to explore.
Jane suggested a JOW with a clock theme and as it seemed a ‘timely’ suggestion here it is.
*******************
Many years ago there was this handsome old sea captain who retired from the sea; he bought a little white house on top of a hill overlooking a small seaside village and lived there all alone. He converted the windows to portholes and the stairways to ladders, scraped the rust off everything and had it ship-shape in every way. Out in the yard he mounted a small cannon, which he fired off every day at precisely noon. He associated with nobody except the lad who brought him groceries and other things from the village, and even then he mostly hauled the basket up to his window with a rope and pulley. He had a peg leg, of course, but didn't make much of it, since he wore good long canvas pants at all times. He spent much of his time with his glass, looking out towards the horizon for passing ships, and sometimes studying the village, too. He got to know all the streets and shops, and even many of the people as they passed in and out: those who bought pork chops and those who bought lamb and what kind of hats and gloves they bought and where. One shop in particular was important to him - the shop of the watchmaker, who sold and repaired clocks. He had a large clock hanging outside (a real one, showing the time, and hanging from two heavy chains) as his sign. It was by this clock that the sea-captain set his own watch, for in those days radio and television had not yet been invented. So that while the villagers did not know the sea captain, he knew them. One day he decided to go down and have a closer look. He went to the butcher, the shoemaker, the baker and the dry-goods store. Nobody recognized him and he didn't tell. When he went to the watchmaker's he spent some time looking at the displays and asking some technical questions about the tools and such. Then he asked how the watchmaker set the time on his clocks.
"Well, there's this crazy old sea captain who lives up on that hill there, and every day exactly at noon he fires off this cannon,”
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Bill bought an old clock at a flea market. A couple of days later he went back to the merchant and complained that the clock was losing 15 minutes every hour.
“Didn’t you see the sign?” the merchant asked. “It said ‘25% off."
++++++++++++++++++++++
A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided to stop at the next city he came to, and park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep. As luck would have it, the quiet place he chose happened to be on one of the city's major jogging routes. No sooner had he settled back to snooze when there came a knocking on his window. He looked out and saw a jogger running in place. "Yes?"
"Excuse me, sir," the jogger said, "do you have the time?"
The man looked at the car clock and answered, "8:15".
The jogger said thanks and left. The man settled back again, and was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window and another jogger. "Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?"
"8:25!"
The jogger said thanks and left. Now the man could see other joggers passing by and he knew it was only a matter of time before another one disturbed him. To avoid the problem, he got out a pen and paper and put a sign in his window that read, ‘I do not know what time it is.’
Once again he settled back to sleep. He was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window by a jogger.
"Sir, sir? It's 8:45."
========================
A blonde asked someone what time it was. They told her it was 4:45. The blonde, with a puzzled look on her face replied, "You know, it's the weirdest thing, I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer."
…………………………………….
Stella died and went to heaven. As she stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, she saw a huge wall of clocks behind her. She asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said Stella, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Billy Graham’s. The hands have never moved, indicating that he has never told a lie."
"Incredible," said Stella. "And whose is that one?"
St Peter responded, "That's Tim Tebow’s clock. The hands have moved a few times, telling us that he told only a few lies in his entire life."
"Where's John Edwards’ clock?" asked Stella.
“His clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Harvey's grandfather clock suddenly stops working right one day, so he loads it into his van and takes it to a clock repair shop.
In the shop is a little old man who has a heavy German accent. He asks Harvey, "Vat sims to be ze problem?"
Harvey says, "I'm not sure, but it doesn't go 'tick-tocktick -tock' anymore. Now it just goes 'tick...tick...tick.'"
The old man says, "Mmm-Hm!" and steps behind the counter, where he rummages around a bit. He emerges with a huge flashlight and walks over the grandfather clock.
He turns the flashlight on, and shines it directly into the clocks face. Then he says in a menacing voice, "Ve haf vays of making you tock!"
And that dialect joke reminds me of another one
A director is screen testing Sylvestor Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger for a new film about classic composers. Not having figured out who to give which part to, he asks Sly who he would like to be.
Stallone says "I like Mozart. I want to be Mozart"
So the Director says, "Very well, you can be Mozart" Then he turns to Arnie and says "Arnie, who would you like to play ?"
And Arnie says "Ah'll be Bach!"
Tom
Monday, June 4, 2012
Drinking JOW
My JOW this week deals with the influence of alcohol in our lives. Well, that a few other things. Enjoy these jokes responsibly.
A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube.
"The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."
"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then, we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."
"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Two great quotations from Homer Simpson:
To alcohol, the cause of, and solution to, all our problems –
All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer.
One good one from Ernest Hemingway
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
……………………………………………..
Things that are very difficult to say when you are drunk.
Cinnamon
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Things that are very difficult to say when you are drunk
British Constitution
Loquacious
Passive-Aggressive disorder
Things that are almost impossible to say when you are drunk.
No more alcohol for me
Oh, no, I couldn’t. No one wants me to sing.
I don’t know how to dance.
I don’t think I can jump up on that table either.
No, thank you, I do not want to have sex.
================
Are you as tired of listening to all these drugs being sold on television as I am? And don’t you just hate listening to a list of side effects? Well, try reading this one aloud imitating the same irritating voice you hear on the air.
Do you suffer from feelings of inadequacy? Are you plagued with shyness? Do you wish you could be more assertive? If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your bartender about Tequila.
Tequila may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use tequila. However women who would like become pregnant should definitely try tequila.
Side effects can include giddiness, dizziness, vomiting, incarceration, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, headache, dehydration, dry mouth; a desire to play naked twister, truth or dare, and all night strip poker. Consumption of tequila may make you believe you are talking quietly when you are not, dance like a retard, tell your friends over and over that you love them and cause you think you can and should sing. Tequila may lead to thinking you are smarter, stronger, and better looking than you actually are, resulting in pregnancy or getting your ass kicked.
So what are you waiting for? Stop hiding and start living with tequila!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Joe was talking to his buddy at the bar, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped."
His buddy said, "I have an idea - why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it - she'll probably be thrilled."
So that's what Joe did.
The next day at the bar his buddy said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"
"Yes, I did," said Joe.
"Did she like it?" His buddy asked.
"Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling "I'll be back in an hour!!"
Eric provided a few pearls of wisdom
-Money cannot buy happiness. It can, however, rent it for a while.
-If you help someone in trouble they will remember you… when they are in trouble again.
-Many people remain alive only because it is illegal to shoot them.
-Forgive your enemy, but remember his name.
-Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then again, neither does chocolate.
Some final random thoughts
I saw a PETA sign with a cute little pig next to a puppy. The sign asked: “Why love one and eat the other?”
The obvious answer is my dog is not made of delicious bacon.
I do not advocate killing stupid people but I do think we should remove all those warning labels and just let things sort themselves out.
Tom
A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube.
"The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."
"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then, we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."
"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Two great quotations from Homer Simpson:
To alcohol, the cause of, and solution to, all our problems –
All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer.
One good one from Ernest Hemingway
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
……………………………………………..
Things that are very difficult to say when you are drunk.
Cinnamon
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Things that are very difficult to say when you are drunk
British Constitution
Loquacious
Passive-Aggressive disorder
Things that are almost impossible to say when you are drunk.
No more alcohol for me
Oh, no, I couldn’t. No one wants me to sing.
I don’t know how to dance.
I don’t think I can jump up on that table either.
No, thank you, I do not want to have sex.
================
Are you as tired of listening to all these drugs being sold on television as I am? And don’t you just hate listening to a list of side effects? Well, try reading this one aloud imitating the same irritating voice you hear on the air.
Do you suffer from feelings of inadequacy? Are you plagued with shyness? Do you wish you could be more assertive? If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your bartender about Tequila.
Tequila may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use tequila. However women who would like become pregnant should definitely try tequila.
Side effects can include giddiness, dizziness, vomiting, incarceration, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, headache, dehydration, dry mouth; a desire to play naked twister, truth or dare, and all night strip poker. Consumption of tequila may make you believe you are talking quietly when you are not, dance like a retard, tell your friends over and over that you love them and cause you think you can and should sing. Tequila may lead to thinking you are smarter, stronger, and better looking than you actually are, resulting in pregnancy or getting your ass kicked.
So what are you waiting for? Stop hiding and start living with tequila!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Joe was talking to his buddy at the bar, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped."
His buddy said, "I have an idea - why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it - she'll probably be thrilled."
So that's what Joe did.
The next day at the bar his buddy said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"
"Yes, I did," said Joe.
"Did she like it?" His buddy asked.
"Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling "I'll be back in an hour!!"
Eric provided a few pearls of wisdom
-Money cannot buy happiness. It can, however, rent it for a while.
-If you help someone in trouble they will remember you… when they are in trouble again.
-Many people remain alive only because it is illegal to shoot them.
-Forgive your enemy, but remember his name.
-Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then again, neither does chocolate.
Some final random thoughts
I saw a PETA sign with a cute little pig next to a puppy. The sign asked: “Why love one and eat the other?”
The obvious answer is my dog is not made of delicious bacon.
I do not advocate killing stupid people but I do think we should remove all those warning labels and just let things sort themselves out.
Tom
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Grab Bag JOW
I am a bit slow with my JOW this week because I have been ‘working from home’ finishing up a project. In my case working from home means that if you are not working, dang it, you should be instead of wasting your time providing frivolous jokes. Fortunately Tom, Dan, and Tor provided me with some fodder. So here is a sort of religious grab bag of jokes. Enjoy
=======================
There were five houses of religion in a small town:
The Presbyterian Church,
The Baptist Church ,
The Methodist Church ,
The Catholic Church and
The Jewish Synagogue.
Each church and Synagogue was overrun with pesky squirrels.
One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God’s divine will.
In The Baptist Church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week
The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.
The Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church.
Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.
Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but it was said they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called circumcision and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.
…………..
And on a related note:
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi walked into a bar. (A good start for any joke.) While sharing a drink they fell into a discourse concerning the efficacy of their respective faiths. While they were thus debating, a man pale and terrified, dashed into bar.
“There is a huge bear in the forest. I barely escaped with my life.”
“Here is a true test,” exclaimed the Baptist minister. “I shall preach to this heathen bear and yea, I shall convert him.”
And with that he drained his glass and headed out to preach to this wild bear.
An hour later he returned, soaking wet but deeply gratified.
“I verily I found that bear, and a fierce creature he was. But I preached the Gospel to him and then baptized Brother Bear in the river! He is there beside the river now.”
“Ha!” responded the priest, “I can show that beast the true power of God’s Holy Church. I shall make him a good Catholic bear.”
And he departed on his mission to redeem the bear.
And hour later he returned, exhausted but triumphant.
“I found that bear, and was able to teach him the catechism. By the time I finished he took communion and I absolved him of all his many sins. I left him saying a hundred Hail Mary’s and Our Fathers.”
Not to be outdone, the rabbi accepted the challenge.
“I shall teach him the paths of righteousness from beginning to end and make him a good Jewish bear, fit to walk in the presence of the Lord.”
Since the rabbi had been in the bar for over two hours and was a bit worse for the wear his two friends attempted to stop him but he could not be dissuaded and he disappeared into the woods in pursuit of the newly Christian bear.
And hour later he staggered into the bar bleeding profusely from a dozen wounds.
As his friends tended to him he explained.
“Upon reflection, I think I probably should not have started with circumcision.”
++++++++++++++++++++++++++
More Kid Wisdom
MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, “If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.”
STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. “I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.”
BRITTANY (age 4) had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked, “How does it know it's me?”
CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, “I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?”
MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad, “Why is he whispering in her mouth?”
TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, “Why doesn't your skin fit your face?”
JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read, “The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.”
Concerned, James asked, “What happened to the flea?”
A few random thoughts
• Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
• There is great need for a sarcasm font.
• How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
• Google maps really need to start their directions on about instruction # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
• Bad decisions make good stories.
• I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
• Do you keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so you know not to answer when they call.
• I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Light than Kay.
• How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
• I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
• Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
• The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
Tom
=======================
There were five houses of religion in a small town:
The Presbyterian Church,
The Baptist Church ,
The Methodist Church ,
The Catholic Church and
The Jewish Synagogue.
Each church and Synagogue was overrun with pesky squirrels.
One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God’s divine will.
In The Baptist Church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week
The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.
The Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church.
Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.
Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but it was said they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called circumcision and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.
…………..
And on a related note:
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi walked into a bar. (A good start for any joke.) While sharing a drink they fell into a discourse concerning the efficacy of their respective faiths. While they were thus debating, a man pale and terrified, dashed into bar.
“There is a huge bear in the forest. I barely escaped with my life.”
“Here is a true test,” exclaimed the Baptist minister. “I shall preach to this heathen bear and yea, I shall convert him.”
And with that he drained his glass and headed out to preach to this wild bear.
An hour later he returned, soaking wet but deeply gratified.
“I verily I found that bear, and a fierce creature he was. But I preached the Gospel to him and then baptized Brother Bear in the river! He is there beside the river now.”
“Ha!” responded the priest, “I can show that beast the true power of God’s Holy Church. I shall make him a good Catholic bear.”
And he departed on his mission to redeem the bear.
And hour later he returned, exhausted but triumphant.
“I found that bear, and was able to teach him the catechism. By the time I finished he took communion and I absolved him of all his many sins. I left him saying a hundred Hail Mary’s and Our Fathers.”
Not to be outdone, the rabbi accepted the challenge.
“I shall teach him the paths of righteousness from beginning to end and make him a good Jewish bear, fit to walk in the presence of the Lord.”
Since the rabbi had been in the bar for over two hours and was a bit worse for the wear his two friends attempted to stop him but he could not be dissuaded and he disappeared into the woods in pursuit of the newly Christian bear.
And hour later he staggered into the bar bleeding profusely from a dozen wounds.
As his friends tended to him he explained.
“Upon reflection, I think I probably should not have started with circumcision.”
++++++++++++++++++++++++++
More Kid Wisdom
MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, “If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.”
STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. “I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.”
BRITTANY (age 4) had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked, “How does it know it's me?”
CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, “I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?”
MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad, “Why is he whispering in her mouth?”
TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, “Why doesn't your skin fit your face?”
JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read, “The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.”
Concerned, James asked, “What happened to the flea?”
A few random thoughts
• Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
• There is great need for a sarcasm font.
• How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
• Google maps really need to start their directions on about instruction # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
• Bad decisions make good stories.
• I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
• Do you keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so you know not to answer when they call.
• I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Light than Kay.
• How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
• I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
• Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
• The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
Tom
Monday, May 21, 2012
Clear English JOW
I am trying to do some writing lately and so I have been hitting Zebrawords.com, the best online dictionary/thesaurus. That got me thinking about English which led to a JOW with some English-themed humor. But first I better put in a joke or two. The first is sponsored by Tor.
=====================
An older gentleman wearing a ball cap with aviator wings on it sits down in a bar next to a lovely woman. Being a bold and daring type he wasted no time in introducing himself.
“Hello, beautiful my name is Jet.”
“Are you some kind of pilot?” she replied coolly.
“Not just some kind of pilot, the best kind, a Naval Aviator,” he replied confidently. “What is your name?”
“My name is Sappho, and I am a lesbian. In fact I am a true lesbian. I think about women all the time; beautiful, naked women. I fanaticize about making love to them constantly. That’s what lesbians do.”
Jet was nonplussed. (He had to go to Zebrawords to even discover exactly what he was feeling.)
After a time a man came and took the place on the other side of Jet who just sat there looking confused.
Seeing the gold wings on the old man’s hat he asked, “Sir, are you a pilot?”
“I thought I was,” replied a deeply troubled Jet, “but I just found out I am a lesbian.”
…………………………………..
Here are some key English language rules I use when writing:
Always avoid alliteration. Always
A preposition is something you should never end a sentence with
Avoid clichés like the plague; they are old hat.
Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
It is wrong to carelessly split and infinitive.
Contractions aren’t necessary
Foreign words are not apropos.
All generalizations are always bad.
Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, “I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.”
Comparisons are as bad as clichés.
In general be more or less specific.
Exaggeration is a million times worse than understatement.
One word sentences? Worthless.
Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
The passive voice is to be avoided.
Who needs rhetorical questions?
Eschew obfuscation
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
A meeting notice
The Committee for the Reduction of Redundancy and the Antiproliferation of Repetition has decided not to meet until they have their first meeting and thus will not be meeting until the first time.
Their Pre-meeting Statement wanted to make this clear before they had their first meeting, so that it would not be confusing. So their first meeting will actually be their first meeting and they will not have a meeting before the first meeting. This should avoid having people show up for their first meeting before it is held, since to do so would be confusing to those who did so and this is what they want to avoid by reducing the confusion and lessening the repetition.
++++++++++++++++++++
Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked the clerk, “How much does this material cost?"
"Just one kiss per yard, “replied the smirking male clerk.
"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take five yards."
With expectation and anticipation showing all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly.
The girl took the package, smiled a big smile at the clerk, and then pointed to an old man standing next to her. "Grandpa will pay the bill!
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
George Carlin has been credited with this poem
We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men,
Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?
Then one may be that, and three would be those
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose
We speak of a brother and also of brethren
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!
And these observations on English
Let's face it – English is a crazy language. Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language
• There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
• Neither apple nor pine in pineapple
• Quicksand work slowly, boxing rings are square,
• And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
• Grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham
• Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?
• If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
• If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
• If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
• In which your house can burn up as it burns down,
• In which you fill in a form by filling it out,
• And in which an alarm goes off by going on.
• And why it is that when I wind up my watch it starts
But when I wind up this observation, it ends.
=====================
An older gentleman wearing a ball cap with aviator wings on it sits down in a bar next to a lovely woman. Being a bold and daring type he wasted no time in introducing himself.
“Hello, beautiful my name is Jet.”
“Are you some kind of pilot?” she replied coolly.
“Not just some kind of pilot, the best kind, a Naval Aviator,” he replied confidently. “What is your name?”
“My name is Sappho, and I am a lesbian. In fact I am a true lesbian. I think about women all the time; beautiful, naked women. I fanaticize about making love to them constantly. That’s what lesbians do.”
Jet was nonplussed. (He had to go to Zebrawords to even discover exactly what he was feeling.)
After a time a man came and took the place on the other side of Jet who just sat there looking confused.
Seeing the gold wings on the old man’s hat he asked, “Sir, are you a pilot?”
“I thought I was,” replied a deeply troubled Jet, “but I just found out I am a lesbian.”
…………………………………..
Here are some key English language rules I use when writing:
Always avoid alliteration. Always
A preposition is something you should never end a sentence with
Avoid clichés like the plague; they are old hat.
Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
It is wrong to carelessly split and infinitive.
Contractions aren’t necessary
Foreign words are not apropos.
All generalizations are always bad.
Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, “I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.”
Comparisons are as bad as clichés.
In general be more or less specific.
Exaggeration is a million times worse than understatement.
One word sentences? Worthless.
Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
The passive voice is to be avoided.
Who needs rhetorical questions?
Eschew obfuscation
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
A meeting notice
The Committee for the Reduction of Redundancy and the Antiproliferation of Repetition has decided not to meet until they have their first meeting and thus will not be meeting until the first time.
Their Pre-meeting Statement wanted to make this clear before they had their first meeting, so that it would not be confusing. So their first meeting will actually be their first meeting and they will not have a meeting before the first meeting. This should avoid having people show up for their first meeting before it is held, since to do so would be confusing to those who did so and this is what they want to avoid by reducing the confusion and lessening the repetition.
++++++++++++++++++++
Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked the clerk, “How much does this material cost?"
"Just one kiss per yard, “replied the smirking male clerk.
"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take five yards."
With expectation and anticipation showing all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly.
The girl took the package, smiled a big smile at the clerk, and then pointed to an old man standing next to her. "Grandpa will pay the bill!
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
George Carlin has been credited with this poem
We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men,
Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?
Then one may be that, and three would be those
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose
We speak of a brother and also of brethren
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!
And these observations on English
Let's face it – English is a crazy language. Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language
• There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
• Neither apple nor pine in pineapple
• Quicksand work slowly, boxing rings are square,
• And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
• Grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham
• Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?
• If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
• If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
• If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
• In which your house can burn up as it burns down,
• In which you fill in a form by filling it out,
• And in which an alarm goes off by going on.
• And why it is that when I wind up my watch it starts
But when I wind up this observation, it ends.
Monday, May 14, 2012
Louisiana JOW
I am in Louisiana this week doing a project; quite a change from the Rockies. I want to be in Louisiana when the end of the world comes because they are twenty years behind the rest of the country. For example, they have slightly different definitions for some old IT terms.
• A modem is something done to grass.
• A mouse pad is a home for Mickey & Minnie.
• A screen helps keep the bugs off the porch.
• On line is where you stay during a field sobriety test.
• Fax is what Joe Friday wanted to hear.
• Backup is what you do when you see a skunk in the woods.
Here is a bit of Cajun humor
Boudreaux and Thibodaux decide dey gonna go ice fishin.
Dey stop at a store on da side of da road and axe the cashier where dey can go ice fishin.
Da man says "there is a frozen lake across the road and I got bait and ice picks to break the ice to fish.”
An hour later Boudreaux goes to da store to buy some more ice picks. He tells the cashier "I want all the ice picks you got."
The guy says are "you catching that many fish?"
Boudreaux says "Catching fish?"
" We never even launch the boat yet"!
------------------------------------
Here's how it works in Louisiana:
The steps at the Louisiana state capitol need some repairs so bids are taken from carpenters from across the state.
First a carpenter from Lake Charles looks it over. After a session of measuring and figuring he presents his bid. I can do it for $9,000, he says. I'd need $4,000 for materials, $4,000 for my crew and $1,000 profit for me.
Next a redneck from Lafayette does his measuring and calculating then says, I'll do it for $7,000. $3,000 for materials, $3,000 for my crew, and $1,000 profit for me.
Last a Cajun from Breaux Bridge steps up. Without even looking at the job site he says, I'll do it for $27,000.
Surprised at how high it is, the man taking the bids asks him to explain it.
It's simple, he says. $10,000 for me, $10,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Lafayette
===========================
Lots of states have specialty teams to offer assistance after a natural disaster. Some can provide food, medicine, vehicles, even rescue dogs. New Orleans offered to send a volunteer team of cops to beat the crap out of survivors.
Finally here are some views of Then and Now from Charles (who was around back Then)
Then: Long hair
Now: Longing for hair
Then: KEG
Now: EKG
Then: Acid rock
Now: Acid reflux
Then: Moving to California because it's cool
Now: Moving to Arizona because it's warm
Then: Seeds and stems
Now: Roughage
Then: Hoping for a BMW
Now: Hoping for a BM
Then: Going to a new, hip joint
Now: Receiving a new hip joint
Then: Rolling Stones
Now: Kidney Stones
Then: Screw the system
Now: Upgrade the system
Then: Disco
Now: Costco
Then: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
Now: Children begging you to get their heads shaved
Then: Passing the drivers' test
Now: Passing the vision test
Then: Whatever
Now: Depends
• A modem is something done to grass.
• A mouse pad is a home for Mickey & Minnie.
• A screen helps keep the bugs off the porch.
• On line is where you stay during a field sobriety test.
• Fax is what Joe Friday wanted to hear.
• Backup is what you do when you see a skunk in the woods.
Here is a bit of Cajun humor
Boudreaux and Thibodaux decide dey gonna go ice fishin.
Dey stop at a store on da side of da road and axe the cashier where dey can go ice fishin.
Da man says "there is a frozen lake across the road and I got bait and ice picks to break the ice to fish.”
An hour later Boudreaux goes to da store to buy some more ice picks. He tells the cashier "I want all the ice picks you got."
The guy says are "you catching that many fish?"
Boudreaux says "Catching fish?"
" We never even launch the boat yet"!
------------------------------------
Here's how it works in Louisiana:
The steps at the Louisiana state capitol need some repairs so bids are taken from carpenters from across the state.
First a carpenter from Lake Charles looks it over. After a session of measuring and figuring he presents his bid. I can do it for $9,000, he says. I'd need $4,000 for materials, $4,000 for my crew and $1,000 profit for me.
Next a redneck from Lafayette does his measuring and calculating then says, I'll do it for $7,000. $3,000 for materials, $3,000 for my crew, and $1,000 profit for me.
Last a Cajun from Breaux Bridge steps up. Without even looking at the job site he says, I'll do it for $27,000.
Surprised at how high it is, the man taking the bids asks him to explain it.
It's simple, he says. $10,000 for me, $10,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Lafayette
===========================
Lots of states have specialty teams to offer assistance after a natural disaster. Some can provide food, medicine, vehicles, even rescue dogs. New Orleans offered to send a volunteer team of cops to beat the crap out of survivors.
Finally here are some views of Then and Now from Charles (who was around back Then)
Then: Long hair
Now: Longing for hair
Then: KEG
Now: EKG
Then: Acid rock
Now: Acid reflux
Then: Moving to California because it's cool
Now: Moving to Arizona because it's warm
Then: Seeds and stems
Now: Roughage
Then: Hoping for a BMW
Now: Hoping for a BM
Then: Going to a new, hip joint
Now: Receiving a new hip joint
Then: Rolling Stones
Now: Kidney Stones
Then: Screw the system
Now: Upgrade the system
Then: Disco
Now: Costco
Then: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
Now: Children begging you to get their heads shaved
Then: Passing the drivers' test
Now: Passing the vision test
Then: Whatever
Now: Depends
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