My JOW was donated in large part this week. Keith offered up some of the real Laws of Life. It all started with Murphy’s Law, of course. Then there was O’Toole’s addendum to Murphy’s Law – Murphy was and Optimist. And Obermeyer’s Corollary – Not only will things go wrong; they will go wrong at the worst possible time. Paranoids, in their conviction that “they are out to get me” understate the problem ─ the Entire Universe is out to get us all! If you have any doubts, just consider these well known Laws of Life
• Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch & you'll have to pee.
• Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
• Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
• Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act. This probability is squared if the individual has a means of recording the event. The probability cubes if said individual likes to post recordings of stupid events on the internet.
• Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal & someone who is always annoyed always answers.
• Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
• Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
• Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that something won't work, it will.
• Law of the Theater & Baseball - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet & who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies & stay to the bitter end of the event. The aisle people also are very surly folk.
• The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
• Gym’s Law - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
• Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness & cost of the carpet or rug.
• Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
• Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.
• Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
• Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.
• Law of Appliance Repair – Any item which requires a repairman to visit will operate perfectly while, and only while he is there.
• Tom’s Theory of a Hostile Universe – Bad things will only happen when you are unprepared for them. Conversely, bad things seldom occur when we are ready for them.
• Tiffany’s Law of Footwear - If the shoes fit, they're ugly.
• Cole’s Law – Chopped cabbage dressed with mayonnaise
• Hunnicutt’s Dictum – If you intend to carry a gun, make sure it works
• Vandermollen’s Corollary to Hunnicutt’s Dictum – If you carry a gun, make sure you know to work it.
• Otis’ Law of Elevators – The person who has to get out of the elevator is always in the back
And finally, Al offered this true story.
The Sierra Club and the U.S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to a group of Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population. It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting or trapping the predators, these two groups were offering a "more humane" solution.
What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males would then be castrated and turned loose again. Thus the population would be controlled. No kidding, this was actually proposed to the Wyoming Wool and Sheep Grower's Association by the Sierra Club and the U.S.F.S.
The ranchers listened to the presentation and then sat there in a sort of dumb-found silence, trying to make sense of the amazing proposal they had just heard.
Finally, an old boy in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said, "Son, I don't think you understand our problem. Those coyotes ain't screwin' our sheep - they're eatin' 'em!"
You should have been there to hear the roar of laughter.
Thos. Pinney
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Paternal JOW
My Joke this week has a paternal aspect, in recognition of the approaching Hallmark Holiday of Father’s Day. Yes, America, it is another made up event designed to stimulate the economy by encouraging spending on items such as cards. All most fathers really want is to get some acknowledgement from their kids. However, a simple “Hi Dad” doesn’t do much for the Gross Domestic Product. So here are a few free jokes with a Fatherly Theme.
...............
A young man, who left his home in Texas at an early age, finally purchased his own ranch in Oklahoma. He invited his father out for a visit, and took him on a tour of the property.
Driving along in the son's pickup truck, a jack rabbit hopped onto the road in front of them.
The son stopped the truck to let the rabbit pass, and the father queried: "What in tarnation is that!?"
The son replied, "That's a jackrabbit, Dad, what did you think it was?"
The father shrugged and said, "We grow 'em a lot bigger'n back home in Texas."
So they went on and a little farther on they came to a few cattle roaming the range. The son stopped the truck and the father again said in a puzzled tone "What are those?"
The son hesitantly said "Those are cows, Dad; you gotta be kiddin me, you really don't recognize them?"
The father replied "Well, I guess they're kinda familiar-it's just that we grow 'em so much bigger back in Texas."
The son, a bit disgruntled, drove on in silence. At length they approached a low part in the road with marshy wetlands on either side. A large snapping turtle lumbered onto the road. The father peered intently at the creature and said "Now what one earth is that thing!?"
Without missing a beat, the son replied, "Wood tick"...
………………..
One evening a little girl and her parents were sitting around the table eating supper. The little girl said, "Daddy, you're the boss, aren't you?" Her Daddy smiled, pleased, and said yes. The little girl continued "That's because Mummy put you in charge, right?"
===============
I figured out why they call our language the "Mother Tongue." Fathers never get a chance to use much of it.
===============
One time my kids wanted to surprise me with a good breakfast in bed on Father's Day. They put a cot in the kitchen.
---------------------
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice,
"Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
"I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep with Daddy."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaking little voice:
"The big sissy.
A young boy came to Sunday School late. His teacher knew that he was usually very prompt and asked him if anything was wrong.
The boy replied no, that he was going fishing but his dad told him that he needed to go to church.
The teacher was very impressed and asked the boy if his dad had explained to him why it was more important to go to church than to go fishing, to which the boy replied, yes he did, dad said he didn't have enough bait for both of us.
A final census joke.
Five year old Becky answered the door when the Census taker came by.
She told the Census taker that her daddy was a doctor and wasn't home, because he was performing an appendectomy.
"My," said the census taker, "that sure is a big word for such a little girl. Do you know what it means?"
"Sure! Fifteen hundred bucks, and that doesn't even include the anesthesiologist!"
Don from UAB was so impressed with my military jokes he provided this one.
The Navy and the Air Force decided to have a canoe race on the Potomac River. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance before the race. On the big day, the Navy won by a mile. Afterwards, the Air Force team became very discouraged and depressed. The officers of the Air Force team decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found.
A "Metrics Team," made up of senior officers was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was that the Navy had 8 seamen rowing and 1 officer steering, while the Air Force had 1 airman rowing and 8 officers and NCOs steering.
So the senior officers of the Air Force team hired a consulting company and paid them incredible amounts of money. They advised that too many people were steering the boat and not enough people were rowing.
To prevent losing to the Navy again the next year, the Air Force Chief of Staff made historic and sweeping changes: the rowing team's organizational structure was totally realigned to 4 steering officers, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering NCO.
They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 airman rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the "Air Force Rowing Team Quality Program", with meetings, dinners, and a three-day pass for the rower. "We must give the rower empowerment and enrichment through this quality program."
The next year the Navy won by 2 miles.
Humiliated, the Air Force leadership gave a letter of reprimand to the rower for poor performance. Initiated a $4 billion program for development of a new joint-service canoe, blamed the loss on a design defect in the paddles, and issued career continuation bonuses and leather rowing jackets to the beleaguered steering officers in the hopes they would stay for next year's race.
Meanwhile, the Army team is still trying to figure out why the oars keep making divots in the grass when they're rowing.
===================================
And finally, a trip down memory lane ─ here are some things that were once common parts of our life and are now virtually extinct. Of course the next generation will soon be quacking about remembering Video Stores, land-line phones, and Windows 95.
But we were here first so here is the Older Than Dirt Quiz:
Count all the ones that you actually remember not the ones you were told about.
1. Head lights dimmer switches on the floor.
2. Ignition switches on the dashboard. (not the new ones)
3. Real ice boxes. (With ice. Sort of home ice chests)
4. Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.
5. Using hand signals in cars (they were actually required in driver’s tests)
6. Blackjack chewing gum (liquorish flavored. It would stain your mouth)
7. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
8. Candy cigarettes (yes really)
9. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles
10. Coffee shops or diners with tableside juke boxes (Johnny Rocket doesn’t count)
11. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
12. Party lines on the telephone (You had to remember which ring was yours)
13. Newsreels before the movie (I even remember seeing cheesy serials)
14. P.F. Flyers (or even the Converse High Tops)
15. Butch wax (Needed for flat tops. Think Dapper Dan Hair Pomade)
16. TV test patterns that came on at night after the last show and were there until TV shows started again in the morning.(Black and white with an Indian head)
17. Peashooters
18. Howdy Doody
19. 45 RPM records
20. S & H Greenstamps
21. Hi-fi's (the ones that could play 45’s and 33 1/3 vinyl records)
22. Metal ice trays with lever
23. Mimeograph paper
24. Blue flashbulb
25. Packards (I actually owned one)
26. Roller skate keys
27. Cork popguns (I still have one)
28. Drive-ins (Movies)
29. Studebakers (very cool cars)
30. Wash tub wringers
31. Ash Trays
32. Cigarette machines
33. Lever activated adding machines
34. Mechanical cash registers
35. Transistor AM Radios
36. Cars without seat belts
37. Clothes lines
38. Using clothes pins (see above) to clip cars to the spokes on your bicycle so it sounded like a motorcycle
39. “Free Kittens to Good Home”
40. Burning leaves in the fall
If you remembered fewer than 10 = You're still young
If you remembered 10-20 = You are getting older
If you remembered 20-30 = Don't tell your age,
If you remembered more than that = You're older than dirt! It is surprising you can remember anything at all.
...............
A young man, who left his home in Texas at an early age, finally purchased his own ranch in Oklahoma. He invited his father out for a visit, and took him on a tour of the property.
Driving along in the son's pickup truck, a jack rabbit hopped onto the road in front of them.
The son stopped the truck to let the rabbit pass, and the father queried: "What in tarnation is that!?"
The son replied, "That's a jackrabbit, Dad, what did you think it was?"
The father shrugged and said, "We grow 'em a lot bigger'n back home in Texas."
So they went on and a little farther on they came to a few cattle roaming the range. The son stopped the truck and the father again said in a puzzled tone "What are those?"
The son hesitantly said "Those are cows, Dad; you gotta be kiddin me, you really don't recognize them?"
The father replied "Well, I guess they're kinda familiar-it's just that we grow 'em so much bigger back in Texas."
The son, a bit disgruntled, drove on in silence. At length they approached a low part in the road with marshy wetlands on either side. A large snapping turtle lumbered onto the road. The father peered intently at the creature and said "Now what one earth is that thing!?"
Without missing a beat, the son replied, "Wood tick"...
………………..
One evening a little girl and her parents were sitting around the table eating supper. The little girl said, "Daddy, you're the boss, aren't you?" Her Daddy smiled, pleased, and said yes. The little girl continued "That's because Mummy put you in charge, right?"
===============
I figured out why they call our language the "Mother Tongue." Fathers never get a chance to use much of it.
===============
One time my kids wanted to surprise me with a good breakfast in bed on Father's Day. They put a cot in the kitchen.
---------------------
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice,
"Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
"I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep with Daddy."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaking little voice:
"The big sissy.
A young boy came to Sunday School late. His teacher knew that he was usually very prompt and asked him if anything was wrong.
The boy replied no, that he was going fishing but his dad told him that he needed to go to church.
The teacher was very impressed and asked the boy if his dad had explained to him why it was more important to go to church than to go fishing, to which the boy replied, yes he did, dad said he didn't have enough bait for both of us.
A final census joke.
Five year old Becky answered the door when the Census taker came by.
She told the Census taker that her daddy was a doctor and wasn't home, because he was performing an appendectomy.
"My," said the census taker, "that sure is a big word for such a little girl. Do you know what it means?"
"Sure! Fifteen hundred bucks, and that doesn't even include the anesthesiologist!"
Don from UAB was so impressed with my military jokes he provided this one.
The Navy and the Air Force decided to have a canoe race on the Potomac River. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance before the race. On the big day, the Navy won by a mile. Afterwards, the Air Force team became very discouraged and depressed. The officers of the Air Force team decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found.
A "Metrics Team," made up of senior officers was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was that the Navy had 8 seamen rowing and 1 officer steering, while the Air Force had 1 airman rowing and 8 officers and NCOs steering.
So the senior officers of the Air Force team hired a consulting company and paid them incredible amounts of money. They advised that too many people were steering the boat and not enough people were rowing.
To prevent losing to the Navy again the next year, the Air Force Chief of Staff made historic and sweeping changes: the rowing team's organizational structure was totally realigned to 4 steering officers, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering NCO.
They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 airman rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the "Air Force Rowing Team Quality Program", with meetings, dinners, and a three-day pass for the rower. "We must give the rower empowerment and enrichment through this quality program."
The next year the Navy won by 2 miles.
Humiliated, the Air Force leadership gave a letter of reprimand to the rower for poor performance. Initiated a $4 billion program for development of a new joint-service canoe, blamed the loss on a design defect in the paddles, and issued career continuation bonuses and leather rowing jackets to the beleaguered steering officers in the hopes they would stay for next year's race.
Meanwhile, the Army team is still trying to figure out why the oars keep making divots in the grass when they're rowing.
===================================
And finally, a trip down memory lane ─ here are some things that were once common parts of our life and are now virtually extinct. Of course the next generation will soon be quacking about remembering Video Stores, land-line phones, and Windows 95.
But we were here first so here is the Older Than Dirt Quiz:
Count all the ones that you actually remember not the ones you were told about.
1. Head lights dimmer switches on the floor.
2. Ignition switches on the dashboard. (not the new ones)
3. Real ice boxes. (With ice. Sort of home ice chests)
4. Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.
5. Using hand signals in cars (they were actually required in driver’s tests)
6. Blackjack chewing gum (liquorish flavored. It would stain your mouth)
7. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
8. Candy cigarettes (yes really)
9. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles
10. Coffee shops or diners with tableside juke boxes (Johnny Rocket doesn’t count)
11. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
12. Party lines on the telephone (You had to remember which ring was yours)
13. Newsreels before the movie (I even remember seeing cheesy serials)
14. P.F. Flyers (or even the Converse High Tops)
15. Butch wax (Needed for flat tops. Think Dapper Dan Hair Pomade)
16. TV test patterns that came on at night after the last show and were there until TV shows started again in the morning.(Black and white with an Indian head)
17. Peashooters
18. Howdy Doody
19. 45 RPM records
20. S & H Greenstamps
21. Hi-fi's (the ones that could play 45’s and 33 1/3 vinyl records)
22. Metal ice trays with lever
23. Mimeograph paper
24. Blue flashbulb
25. Packards (I actually owned one)
26. Roller skate keys
27. Cork popguns (I still have one)
28. Drive-ins (Movies)
29. Studebakers (very cool cars)
30. Wash tub wringers
31. Ash Trays
32. Cigarette machines
33. Lever activated adding machines
34. Mechanical cash registers
35. Transistor AM Radios
36. Cars without seat belts
37. Clothes lines
38. Using clothes pins (see above) to clip cars to the spokes on your bicycle so it sounded like a motorcycle
39. “Free Kittens to Good Home”
40. Burning leaves in the fall
If you remembered fewer than 10 = You're still young
If you remembered 10-20 = You are getting older
If you remembered 20-30 = Don't tell your age,
If you remembered more than that = You're older than dirt! It is surprising you can remember anything at all.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Post Memorial JOW #511
Memorial Day weekend has come and gone, but all the talk of the military reminded me of a lot of military humor. So, a typical week behind, here are some Military jokes and humorous observations.
The various services have different opinions on when to wear camouflage Battle Dress Utilities or BDU’s
MARINES: Consider BDU’s to be a work uniform, to be worn during training and in field situations.
ARMY: Will wear it anytime, anywhere.
AIR FORCE: Will defeat the purpose of camouflage uniforms by putting blue and silver chevrons and colorful squadron patches all over them.
NAVY: Will not wear camouflage uniforms; they do not camouflage you on a ship.
I found a couple of old soldier jokes from the War Between the States
A soldier, who was habitually drunk, publicly announced to all the men in his company and surrounding companies that he was swearing off drinking and that all the other soldiers should give up this foul habit also. Almost every night the other soldiers would tease him into falling off the wagon by giving him whiskey and get him drunk. Every morning he would be back preaching about the sins of alcohol. One day his tent mate told him he ought to give up preaching about the evils of the jug as he always wound up drunk. With a twinkle in his blood shot eyes he said " What, and give up all that free whiskey?"
A soldier had lost his bayonet; he quickly whittled one from wood so he could stand inspection and not be punished for losing his weapon. He was hoping not to be discovered until the regiment had gone into battle where he could pick up one from a dead soldier. At the inspection, an officer asked to see his bayonet.
The soldier stated " Sir, I promised my father I would never unsheathe my bayonet unless I intended to kill with it."
The Officer insisted he hand over the bayonet.
Taking it out, the Soldier looked skyward and declared “May the Lord change this bayonet to wood for breaking my vow."
The Navy always makes fun of the Army, but recently they have been especially harsh about the pathetic Army football teams.
Q: Do you know why the Army football team should change its name to the "Opposums"?
A: Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.
Q: Why doesn't Army have ice on the sidelines during games?
A: The guy with the recipe graduated.
Q: What do you get when you breed a groundhog and a West Point Cadet?
A: Six more weeks of bad football.
---------------------------------------------
Navy is playing Army, which has a first down with three minutes left in the half. An Army fan sets off a firecracker, and Navy, thinking it's the end of the half, runs off the field. Four plays later, Army scored!
........
The Five Most Dangerous Things in the Army
1. A Private saying, "I learned this in Basic..."
2. A Sergeant saying, "Trust me, sir..."
3. A Second Lieutenant saying, "Based upon my experience..."
4. A Captain saying, "I was just thinking..."
5. A Warrant Officer chuckling, "Watch this $#!+..."
Which Service has the dumbest officers?
In the Coast Guard the officers stay nice and dry on land, while the enlisted people head out to sea in all sorts of weather.
In the Army, the officers stand behind the troops and shout, "Attack!"
In the Navy, the officers stand on the bridge and steer the ship into action.
In the Marine Corps, the officers stand in front of the troops and shout, "Attack!"
And in the Air Force? Well, the officers go off to battle in their pretty flight suits, flying their expensive toys, while the enlisted people head for the club for a cold one.
Say what you will, the Air Force does have a lot of good words, such as:
BLAMESTORMING - Sitting around the squadron discussing why a mission failed
and who was responsible.
SEAGULL COLONEL - A colonel who swoops in, makes a lot of noise, and craps all over everything and then leaves.
SALMON DAY - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
ASSMOSIS - The process by which some people seem to absorb success and promotability by kissing up to the commander.
CRM - Career Restricting Move - Used among officers to describe ill-advised activity..
FLIGHT RISK - Used to describe troops who are suspected of planning to retire or separate from the service soon. Alternatively, any O-6 or above that gets behind the controls of an airplane.
GENERICA - Features of the Air Force landscape that are exactly the same no matter which base one is at, such as Burger King, Robin Hood, the BX, and AMC terminal. Used as in "We were so lost in generica that I forgot what base we were at."
OHNOSECOND - That minuscule fraction of time after hitting the "enter" key or clicking "ok" in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE - The fine art of whacking the crap out of a $200,000 inertial navigation unit to get it to work again.
AVIATION CONTINUATION PAY - The paycheck you'll earn when you get out and continue
to fly until you're a senior captain at United Airlines.
Here are a few bits of military wisdom that explain a lot
• If everything is as clear as a bell, and everything is going exactly as planned, you're about to be surprised.
• Combat pay is a flawed concept.
• Once you are in the fight, it is way too late to wonder if this is a good idea.
• There is no such thing as a small firefight.
• NEVER get into a fight without more ammunition than the other guy.
• Cover your Buddy, so he can be around to cover you.
• A free-fire zone has nothing to do with economics.
• Medals are OK, but having your body and all your friends in one piece at the end of the day is better. The only medal you really want to be awarded is the Longevity Medal.
• Everybody's a hero in the club after the fourth drink.
• The madness of war can extract a heavy toll. Please have exact change ready.
• Decisions made by someone over your head will seldom be in your best interest.
• The further away you are from your friends, the less likely it is that they can help you when you really need them the most.
• If the rear echelon troops are really happy, the front line troops probably do not have what they need.
• C-4 (plastic explosives) can make a dull day fun. (Believe me on this!)
• Cocoa Powder (found in field rations) is neither cocoa nor powder.
• Eat when you can. Sleep when you can. Visit the head when you can. The next opportunity may not come around for a long time. If ever.
• Hot garrison chow is better than hot MREs, which, in turn is better than cold C-rations, which is better than no food at all. WHAT is often more important than WHY.
• Loud sudden noises in a helicopter WILL get your undivided attention.
• It is a fact that helicopter tail rotors are instinctively drawn toward trees, stumps, rocks, etc. While it may be possible to ward off this natural event some of the time, it cannot, despite the best efforts of the crew, always be prevented. It's just what they do.
• Flying is better than walking. Walking is better than running. Running is better than crawling. All of these however, are better than extraction by a Med-Evac, even if this is technically a form of flying.
Thos. Pinney
The various services have different opinions on when to wear camouflage Battle Dress Utilities or BDU’s
MARINES: Consider BDU’s to be a work uniform, to be worn during training and in field situations.
ARMY: Will wear it anytime, anywhere.
AIR FORCE: Will defeat the purpose of camouflage uniforms by putting blue and silver chevrons and colorful squadron patches all over them.
NAVY: Will not wear camouflage uniforms; they do not camouflage you on a ship.
I found a couple of old soldier jokes from the War Between the States
A soldier, who was habitually drunk, publicly announced to all the men in his company and surrounding companies that he was swearing off drinking and that all the other soldiers should give up this foul habit also. Almost every night the other soldiers would tease him into falling off the wagon by giving him whiskey and get him drunk. Every morning he would be back preaching about the sins of alcohol. One day his tent mate told him he ought to give up preaching about the evils of the jug as he always wound up drunk. With a twinkle in his blood shot eyes he said " What, and give up all that free whiskey?"
A soldier had lost his bayonet; he quickly whittled one from wood so he could stand inspection and not be punished for losing his weapon. He was hoping not to be discovered until the regiment had gone into battle where he could pick up one from a dead soldier. At the inspection, an officer asked to see his bayonet.
The soldier stated " Sir, I promised my father I would never unsheathe my bayonet unless I intended to kill with it."
The Officer insisted he hand over the bayonet.
Taking it out, the Soldier looked skyward and declared “May the Lord change this bayonet to wood for breaking my vow."
The Navy always makes fun of the Army, but recently they have been especially harsh about the pathetic Army football teams.
Q: Do you know why the Army football team should change its name to the "Opposums"?
A: Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.
Q: Why doesn't Army have ice on the sidelines during games?
A: The guy with the recipe graduated.
Q: What do you get when you breed a groundhog and a West Point Cadet?
A: Six more weeks of bad football.
---------------------------------------------
Navy is playing Army, which has a first down with three minutes left in the half. An Army fan sets off a firecracker, and Navy, thinking it's the end of the half, runs off the field. Four plays later, Army scored!
........
The Five Most Dangerous Things in the Army
1. A Private saying, "I learned this in Basic..."
2. A Sergeant saying, "Trust me, sir..."
3. A Second Lieutenant saying, "Based upon my experience..."
4. A Captain saying, "I was just thinking..."
5. A Warrant Officer chuckling, "Watch this $#!+..."
Which Service has the dumbest officers?
In the Coast Guard the officers stay nice and dry on land, while the enlisted people head out to sea in all sorts of weather.
In the Army, the officers stand behind the troops and shout, "Attack!"
In the Navy, the officers stand on the bridge and steer the ship into action.
In the Marine Corps, the officers stand in front of the troops and shout, "Attack!"
And in the Air Force? Well, the officers go off to battle in their pretty flight suits, flying their expensive toys, while the enlisted people head for the club for a cold one.
Say what you will, the Air Force does have a lot of good words, such as:
BLAMESTORMING - Sitting around the squadron discussing why a mission failed
and who was responsible.
SEAGULL COLONEL - A colonel who swoops in, makes a lot of noise, and craps all over everything and then leaves.
SALMON DAY - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
ASSMOSIS - The process by which some people seem to absorb success and promotability by kissing up to the commander.
CRM - Career Restricting Move - Used among officers to describe ill-advised activity..
FLIGHT RISK - Used to describe troops who are suspected of planning to retire or separate from the service soon. Alternatively, any O-6 or above that gets behind the controls of an airplane.
GENERICA - Features of the Air Force landscape that are exactly the same no matter which base one is at, such as Burger King, Robin Hood, the BX, and AMC terminal. Used as in "We were so lost in generica that I forgot what base we were at."
OHNOSECOND - That minuscule fraction of time after hitting the "enter" key or clicking "ok" in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE - The fine art of whacking the crap out of a $200,000 inertial navigation unit to get it to work again.
AVIATION CONTINUATION PAY - The paycheck you'll earn when you get out and continue
to fly until you're a senior captain at United Airlines.
Here are a few bits of military wisdom that explain a lot
• If everything is as clear as a bell, and everything is going exactly as planned, you're about to be surprised.
• Combat pay is a flawed concept.
• Once you are in the fight, it is way too late to wonder if this is a good idea.
• There is no such thing as a small firefight.
• NEVER get into a fight without more ammunition than the other guy.
• Cover your Buddy, so he can be around to cover you.
• A free-fire zone has nothing to do with economics.
• Medals are OK, but having your body and all your friends in one piece at the end of the day is better. The only medal you really want to be awarded is the Longevity Medal.
• Everybody's a hero in the club after the fourth drink.
• The madness of war can extract a heavy toll. Please have exact change ready.
• Decisions made by someone over your head will seldom be in your best interest.
• The further away you are from your friends, the less likely it is that they can help you when you really need them the most.
• If the rear echelon troops are really happy, the front line troops probably do not have what they need.
• C-4 (plastic explosives) can make a dull day fun. (Believe me on this!)
• Cocoa Powder (found in field rations) is neither cocoa nor powder.
• Eat when you can. Sleep when you can. Visit the head when you can. The next opportunity may not come around for a long time. If ever.
• Hot garrison chow is better than hot MREs, which, in turn is better than cold C-rations, which is better than no food at all. WHAT is often more important than WHY.
• Loud sudden noises in a helicopter WILL get your undivided attention.
• It is a fact that helicopter tail rotors are instinctively drawn toward trees, stumps, rocks, etc. While it may be possible to ward off this natural event some of the time, it cannot, despite the best efforts of the crew, always be prevented. It's just what they do.
• Flying is better than walking. Walking is better than running. Running is better than crawling. All of these however, are better than extraction by a Med-Evac, even if this is technically a form of flying.
Thos. Pinney
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Quote JOW Unquote
I enjoy witty conversation. I freely admit to being something of a smart ass, which is critical to interesting discussions. Of course not everyone appreciates wit.
"Wit is educated insolence." - Aristotle
Which fits pretty well, but then Aristotle was kind of a stick in the mud. We know he wrote a book on Comedy to go with his treatise on Tragedy. Unfortunately, (or should I say tragically) his treatise on comedy and humor was lost. Probably because the book was so thin. That said, even Voltaire himself, one of the wittiest men who ever lived disparaged a clever retort.
"A witty saying proves nothing." – Voltaire
Apparently wit is viewed by many as only a half step above the much maligned pun as a form of humor; even below ‘knock-knock’ and ‘light bulb’ jokes ─ too bad because I like those forms of humor, too. In the end I choose to follow the advice of the bard.
Better a witty fool than a foolish wit. - Shakespeare
Here are some quotes that I found very witty, indeed.
Oscar Wilde was one of the sharpest wits of his generation. These are attributed to him.
• “I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.”
• “Life is one fool thing after another whereas love is two fool things after each other.”
• “Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess.”
• It is better to be beautiful than to be good, but it is better to be good than to be ugly.
• Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.”
This is one of my favorite quotes because it is so accurate.
• "University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small." - Henry Kissinger
There are lots of pithy comments about cats and dogs.
• Dogs have Owners, Cats have Staff.
• In order to keep a true perspective of one’s importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.
Everyone loves those predictions pontificated by those who should have known better.
• "Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction."
Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872 .
• "Everything that can be invented has been invented."
Charles Duell, head of the US Patent office 1880
• "The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?"
David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urging for investment in the radio in the 1920s.
And some predictions that are more interesting than they first appear.
• "Computers are useless. They can only give you answers." Pablo Picasso.
Then there are the quotations of the absurd.
• "Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are." Matt Lauer on NBC's Today Show
• "If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight."
George Gobol.
• "Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning."
Rich Cook.
• "USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population."
David Letterman.
• “I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was "You'll never find anyone like me again!" I'm thinking, "I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you."”
• If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
• All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.
• Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect.
And finally, a bit of wit that touches close to home
• "Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers." - T. S. Eliot
Thos. Pinney
"Wit is educated insolence." - Aristotle
Which fits pretty well, but then Aristotle was kind of a stick in the mud. We know he wrote a book on Comedy to go with his treatise on Tragedy. Unfortunately, (or should I say tragically) his treatise on comedy and humor was lost. Probably because the book was so thin. That said, even Voltaire himself, one of the wittiest men who ever lived disparaged a clever retort.
"A witty saying proves nothing." – Voltaire
Apparently wit is viewed by many as only a half step above the much maligned pun as a form of humor; even below ‘knock-knock’ and ‘light bulb’ jokes ─ too bad because I like those forms of humor, too. In the end I choose to follow the advice of the bard.
Better a witty fool than a foolish wit. - Shakespeare
Here are some quotes that I found very witty, indeed.
Oscar Wilde was one of the sharpest wits of his generation. These are attributed to him.
• “I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.”
• “Life is one fool thing after another whereas love is two fool things after each other.”
• “Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess.”
• It is better to be beautiful than to be good, but it is better to be good than to be ugly.
• Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.”
This is one of my favorite quotes because it is so accurate.
• "University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small." - Henry Kissinger
There are lots of pithy comments about cats and dogs.
• Dogs have Owners, Cats have Staff.
• In order to keep a true perspective of one’s importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.
Everyone loves those predictions pontificated by those who should have known better.
• "Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction."
Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872 .
• "Everything that can be invented has been invented."
Charles Duell, head of the US Patent office 1880
• "The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?"
David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urging for investment in the radio in the 1920s.
And some predictions that are more interesting than they first appear.
• "Computers are useless. They can only give you answers." Pablo Picasso.
Then there are the quotations of the absurd.
• "Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are." Matt Lauer on NBC's Today Show
• "If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight."
George Gobol.
• "Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning."
Rich Cook.
• "USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population."
David Letterman.
• “I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was "You'll never find anyone like me again!" I'm thinking, "I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you."”
• If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
• All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.
• Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect.
And finally, a bit of wit that touches close to home
• "Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers." - T. S. Eliot
Thos. Pinney
Friday, May 21, 2010
Red Hot JOW
The summer solstice marking the official start of summer is not for another month. Here in the Houston area I have a different measure of the start of summer: When we have three days in a row where the temperature is over 90. Hello Summer! I do like to whine about the soul-sapping oppressive wet heat of south Texas, but I acknowledge that we are the merest pikers when it comes to heat. I have friends that live in Phoenix. Now there is some heat! In Phoenix they don't bother making thermometers that go below 70 degrees.
You know you are in Arizona when:
you can make instant sun tea.
you learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.
the temperature drops below 95, and you feel a bit chilly.
you can attend any function wearing shorts and a tank top.
The four seasons are: tolerable, hot, Really Hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!
you discover that in July, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car.
you discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window.
you notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
hot water now comes out of both taps.
farmers feed their chickens ice chips, so they don't lay hard boiled eggs and cows ice water so they don't give powdered milk
it's noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is out on the streets.
you actually burn your hand opening the car door.
no one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car or not having air conditioning.
your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and fry?"
you realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
robins pick earthworms out of the ground with tongs.
But it is a dry heat. So dry in fact rain is becomes a distant memory. A sad Arizonan once prayed, "I wish it would rain - not so much for me, cuz I've seen it -- but for my 7-year-old."
Of course, every region has its own weather humor:
Two Viking invaders are trudging up the beach in the pouring rain. One looks skywards and says, "So this is England. What's it like?"
The other snarls, "Well, if you like the weather, you'll love the food."
What happens when the fog lifts in California? UCLA.
How to predict weather in Seattle: If you can see Mt Rainer, it's going to rain. If not, it already is.
In New Hampshire the local forecast was: Today: Sunny, 76. Tonight: Not so sunny, 55.
There's a technical term for a sunny, warm day which follows two rainy days. It's called Monday.
Many of us go on vacation to get better weather. As an old Florida boy, I am used to seeing tourists. This is an old line I remembered from those halcyon days.
A vacationer went back to his room to get something to drink for himself and his wife; one of the hotel maids was making the bed. He grabbed his cooler and was on his way out when he paused and asked, "Can we drink beer on the beach?"
"Sure," the maid replied, "but I have to finish the rest of the rooms first."
Finally, sort of a weather-related ‘joke’.
A preacher and his flock at a very poor church in the hills of Tennessee took up collections, baked cakes and washed cars for months to get enough money to buy paint for the church exterior which was bare and weather beaten. Finally they went to Wal-Mart to buy paint. The minister decided to economize and so only used less than half money they had raised, keeping the rest for himself.
They all joined together on a Saturday morning to do the job. When they were about half finished they realized that they were going to run out of paint before finishing. The preacher told them, "It’s a water base paint, just thin it down with water."
They continued painting and thinning until the color started losing its depth and when they finally finished it was dark green at the top, light green in the middle and a very light green (almost white) at the bottom. The preacher and his flock were standing on a nearby hill looking at this strange paint job when a dark cloud appeared and the heavens opened up with a deluge of rain which washed all of the newly applied paint off the church. The preacher was in tears and the congregation was stunned at all the hard work they had done for nothing.
Just then there was a huge lightening flash followed by the roll of thunder and a loud voice from the heavens rang out, "REPAINT, REPAINT AND THIN NO MORE."
Thos. Pinney
You know you are in Arizona when:
you can make instant sun tea.
you learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.
the temperature drops below 95, and you feel a bit chilly.
you can attend any function wearing shorts and a tank top.
The four seasons are: tolerable, hot, Really Hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!
you discover that in July, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car.
you discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window.
you notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
hot water now comes out of both taps.
farmers feed their chickens ice chips, so they don't lay hard boiled eggs and cows ice water so they don't give powdered milk
it's noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is out on the streets.
you actually burn your hand opening the car door.
no one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car or not having air conditioning.
your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and fry?"
you realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
robins pick earthworms out of the ground with tongs.
But it is a dry heat. So dry in fact rain is becomes a distant memory. A sad Arizonan once prayed, "I wish it would rain - not so much for me, cuz I've seen it -- but for my 7-year-old."
Of course, every region has its own weather humor:
Two Viking invaders are trudging up the beach in the pouring rain. One looks skywards and says, "So this is England. What's it like?"
The other snarls, "Well, if you like the weather, you'll love the food."
What happens when the fog lifts in California? UCLA.
How to predict weather in Seattle: If you can see Mt Rainer, it's going to rain. If not, it already is.
In New Hampshire the local forecast was: Today: Sunny, 76. Tonight: Not so sunny, 55.
There's a technical term for a sunny, warm day which follows two rainy days. It's called Monday.
Many of us go on vacation to get better weather. As an old Florida boy, I am used to seeing tourists. This is an old line I remembered from those halcyon days.
A vacationer went back to his room to get something to drink for himself and his wife; one of the hotel maids was making the bed. He grabbed his cooler and was on his way out when he paused and asked, "Can we drink beer on the beach?"
"Sure," the maid replied, "but I have to finish the rest of the rooms first."
Finally, sort of a weather-related ‘joke’.
A preacher and his flock at a very poor church in the hills of Tennessee took up collections, baked cakes and washed cars for months to get enough money to buy paint for the church exterior which was bare and weather beaten. Finally they went to Wal-Mart to buy paint. The minister decided to economize and so only used less than half money they had raised, keeping the rest for himself.
They all joined together on a Saturday morning to do the job. When they were about half finished they realized that they were going to run out of paint before finishing. The preacher told them, "It’s a water base paint, just thin it down with water."
They continued painting and thinning until the color started losing its depth and when they finally finished it was dark green at the top, light green in the middle and a very light green (almost white) at the bottom. The preacher and his flock were standing on a nearby hill looking at this strange paint job when a dark cloud appeared and the heavens opened up with a deluge of rain which washed all of the newly applied paint off the church. The preacher was in tears and the congregation was stunned at all the hard work they had done for nothing.
Just then there was a huge lightening flash followed by the roll of thunder and a loud voice from the heavens rang out, "REPAINT, REPAINT AND THIN NO MORE."
Thos. Pinney
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Modern Medical JOW #508
I wanted to make light of the oil spill out in the Gulf that continues to pour raw crude into the environment. There is almost nothing I could think of or find that was even slightly amusing in the situation. Eleven men died and there is no end in sight for the continuing leak. Face it; water pollution just isn’t all that funny. Leno did have a comment: "They sent specialists down there to start a controlled fire on the ocean to burn the oil off. That's how you know when things are bad, when the ocean on fire is an improvement."
The Colbert Report also had a bit on the leak. The Arab network Al Jazeera put out a balanced and insightful piece on the continuing problem. After screening part of their report, Colbert put his tongue firmly in his cheek and provided this smarmy commentary.
‘Say… Al Jazeera sure seems to know a lot about this oil leak, huh? Maybe a little too much?
Look, I'm not saying that this Qatar-based international news network is actually a front for an Middle Eastern terrorist organization. I'm just saying that, as an American, I'm a little concerned that "Al Jazeera" and "Al Quaeda" both have the same first name. Just a little too coincidental for me, ya know?’
A certain JOW recipient, let’s just call her ‘Susan’ recently turned 50. She now will start to have to learn about all the things her elders have to take to stay in one piece. There are some new drugs out there she may need to learn about.
DAMNITOL
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.
EMPTYNESTROGEN
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.
ST. MOMMA'S WORT
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to eight hours.
PEPTOBIMBO
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an
evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.
FLIPITOR
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
MENICILLIN
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person."
BUYAGRA
Stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.
JACKASSPIRIN
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number or to lift the toilet seat.
ANTI-TALKSIDENT
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.
NAGAMENT
When administered to a boyfriend or husband provides the same irritation level as nagging him.
Now a couple of jokes to close out this JOW.
=====================
'Cash, check or charge?' the clerk asked. She then noticed a remote control for a television set in the customer’s purse.
'So, do you always carry your TV remote?'
'No,' the shopper replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could legally do to him.'
====================
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'
Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should make the coffee..'
Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says .
'HEBREWS'
The Colbert Report also had a bit on the leak. The Arab network Al Jazeera put out a balanced and insightful piece on the continuing problem. After screening part of their report, Colbert put his tongue firmly in his cheek and provided this smarmy commentary.
‘Say… Al Jazeera sure seems to know a lot about this oil leak, huh? Maybe a little too much?
Look, I'm not saying that this Qatar-based international news network is actually a front for an Middle Eastern terrorist organization. I'm just saying that, as an American, I'm a little concerned that "Al Jazeera" and "Al Quaeda" both have the same first name. Just a little too coincidental for me, ya know?’
A certain JOW recipient, let’s just call her ‘Susan’ recently turned 50. She now will start to have to learn about all the things her elders have to take to stay in one piece. There are some new drugs out there she may need to learn about.
DAMNITOL
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.
EMPTYNESTROGEN
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.
ST. MOMMA'S WORT
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to eight hours.
PEPTOBIMBO
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an
evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.
FLIPITOR
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
MENICILLIN
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person."
BUYAGRA
Stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.
JACKASSPIRIN
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number or to lift the toilet seat.
ANTI-TALKSIDENT
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.
NAGAMENT
When administered to a boyfriend or husband provides the same irritation level as nagging him.
Now a couple of jokes to close out this JOW.
=====================
'Cash, check or charge?' the clerk asked. She then noticed a remote control for a television set in the customer’s purse.
'So, do you always carry your TV remote?'
'No,' the shopper replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could legally do to him.'
====================
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'
Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should make the coffee..'
Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says .
'HEBREWS'
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Ancient JOW #507
I have been interested in humor for a long time─ not only what people find funny, but the history of jokes themselves. The only joke book to have survived from the ancient world, is known as the Philogelos. It is a composite collection of 260 or so gags in Greek probably put together in the fourth century but including – as such collections often do – some jokes that go back many years earlier. The contexts are often odd, with references to slavery and eunuchs, things not considered amusing today. Even so, I find the ancient Greeks had a more understandable sense of humor than say, the Victorian English.
So here are 10 jokes that are all over 2,000 years old.
A favorite subject was the ‘professor’ or academic egg head who often displayed little common sense.
==================
When Plato had defined Man as a featherless biped, and was admired for it, a smart ass Greek plucked a chicken and brought it into the lecture-room and said “Here is Plato’s Man”. After that, ‘broad-nailed’ was added to the definition.
=================
A professor was talking with two friends. One of them said that it is not right to slaughter a sheep, since it brings us milk and wool.
The second said that it is not fitting to kill an ox either, since it provides us with milk and plows our fields.
The professor said that it is not right to kill a pig either, since it provides us with bacon and pork.
=================
A professor nearly drowned when he fell into a river. He swore that he would not enter the water again until he had learned how to swim
==================
A professor and his household were on a sea-voyage, when there was a big storm. His slaves, fearing for their lives, began weeping.
“Don’t cry,” the professor comforted them, “I’ve set you all free in my will.”
===================
A professor was inquiring where he ought to build his tomb: when some people said that it would look good in a certain place, he said “But that area is unhealthy.”
=================
There was an ancient version of Monty Python's dead parrot sketch:
A man buys a slave, who dies shortly afterwards. When he complains to the seller, he is told: "Well, he never died when I owned him."
=================
An absent-minded professor is asked by a friend to bring back two 15-year-old slave boys from his trip abroad, and replies "Fine, and if I can't find two 15-year-olds I will bring you one 30-year-old."
In the days before paternity testing, there were lots of ‘Who’s your daddy?’ jokes.
The story is told about a man from the provinces who looked much the Emperor Augustus Caesar. When he came to Rome the Emperor, hearing of the man, brought him to the palace and asked if the man’s mother had ever worked in the palace.
“No”, came the reply, “but my father did.”
Augustus did no more than grin and bear it. (Later Emperors were not so tolerant.)
===================
A man far from home when to a fortune teller and asked him about his household back in Greece, the seer assured him that ‘They are all healthy, including your father.’
“But it’s been ten years since my father died”,
Thinking quickly the fortune teller replied “You don’t know who your true father is.”
=========================
And finally, jokes about dumb foreigners have been around for millennia. For example, I have no idea where Abdera was, but Abderites were apparently the Aggies of the ancient world.
“An Abderite saw a eunuch talking to a woman and asked if she was his wife.
When he replied that eunuchs can’t have wives, the Abderite asked, ‘So is she your daughter then?’”
Thos. Pinney
So here are 10 jokes that are all over 2,000 years old.
A favorite subject was the ‘professor’ or academic egg head who often displayed little common sense.
==================
When Plato had defined Man as a featherless biped, and was admired for it, a smart ass Greek plucked a chicken and brought it into the lecture-room and said “Here is Plato’s Man”. After that, ‘broad-nailed’ was added to the definition.
=================
A professor was talking with two friends. One of them said that it is not right to slaughter a sheep, since it brings us milk and wool.
The second said that it is not fitting to kill an ox either, since it provides us with milk and plows our fields.
The professor said that it is not right to kill a pig either, since it provides us with bacon and pork.
=================
A professor nearly drowned when he fell into a river. He swore that he would not enter the water again until he had learned how to swim
==================
A professor and his household were on a sea-voyage, when there was a big storm. His slaves, fearing for their lives, began weeping.
“Don’t cry,” the professor comforted them, “I’ve set you all free in my will.”
===================
A professor was inquiring where he ought to build his tomb: when some people said that it would look good in a certain place, he said “But that area is unhealthy.”
=================
There was an ancient version of Monty Python's dead parrot sketch:
A man buys a slave, who dies shortly afterwards. When he complains to the seller, he is told: "Well, he never died when I owned him."
=================
An absent-minded professor is asked by a friend to bring back two 15-year-old slave boys from his trip abroad, and replies "Fine, and if I can't find two 15-year-olds I will bring you one 30-year-old."
In the days before paternity testing, there were lots of ‘Who’s your daddy?’ jokes.
The story is told about a man from the provinces who looked much the Emperor Augustus Caesar. When he came to Rome the Emperor, hearing of the man, brought him to the palace and asked if the man’s mother had ever worked in the palace.
“No”, came the reply, “but my father did.”
Augustus did no more than grin and bear it. (Later Emperors were not so tolerant.)
===================
A man far from home when to a fortune teller and asked him about his household back in Greece, the seer assured him that ‘They are all healthy, including your father.’
“But it’s been ten years since my father died”,
Thinking quickly the fortune teller replied “You don’t know who your true father is.”
=========================
And finally, jokes about dumb foreigners have been around for millennia. For example, I have no idea where Abdera was, but Abderites were apparently the Aggies of the ancient world.
“An Abderite saw a eunuch talking to a woman and asked if she was his wife.
When he replied that eunuchs can’t have wives, the Abderite asked, ‘So is she your daughter then?’”
Thos. Pinney
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