This will be a short JOW as I am writing this in the cabin of Silver Heels, a Pearson 442 sailboat moored just off Bocas Del Toro, Panama. I am helping Tor Pinney bring his boat around to Florida so you will all be spared my jokes next week.
I must admit Bocas Del Toro exceeded my fondest hopes. It is rural, inexpensive, open, safe, and friendly; much like the eastern Caribbean used to be but no longer is. We will be getting underway early on St. Patrick’s Day and heading north.
Here are a few sailing definitions for those of you who are unfamiliar with sea.
• Cruising - Fixing your boat in exotic locations.
• Chart - A type of map which shows exactly where you are aground.
• Great Circle Route - The ship's course when the rudder is jammed.
Hanging locker - A small, enclosed space designed to keep foul weather gear wet and to turn all other clothing green.
• Headway - What you are making if you can get the toilet to work.
• Beam Sea - A situation in which waves strike a boat from the side, causing it to roll unpleasantly. This is one of the four directions from which wave action tends to produce extreme physical discomfort. The other three are 'bow sea' (waves striking from the front), 'following sea' (waves striking from the rear), and 'quarter sea' (waves striking from any other direction).
• Current - Tidal flow that carries a boat away from its desired destination, or toward a hazard.
• Flashlight - Tubular metal container used on shipboard for storing dead batteries prior to their disposal.
Fluke - The portion of an anchor that digs securely into the bottom, holding the boat in place; also, any occasion when this occurs on the first try.
• Zephyr - Warm, pleasant breeze. Named after the mythical Greek god of wishful thinking, false hopes, and unreliable forecasts.
-----------
A sailor who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The sailor's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the sailor turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."
"Well, I'll be damned," the sailor muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the seaman and apologized.
"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the pope does."
……………………………………………
Two Swedish guys get off a ship and head for the nearest bar.
Each one orders two whiskeys and immediately downs them. They
then order two more whiskeys a piece and quickly throw them
back. They then order another two apiece. One of the men picks
up one of his drinks, and, turning to the other man, says,
"Skoal!"
The other man turns to the first and says, "Hey, did you come
here to talk, or did you come here to drink?"
My cousin Mike provided these observations recorded by proctologists located appropriately at the end of the JOW
1.'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now technically married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'
And the best one of all:
13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Doctor, Doctor JOW
I have been doing in some medical work in preparation for a brief sea voyage. Some of you might know that my cousin Tor Pinney (all Pinney’s are related) has invited me to help him sail his 42 foot ketch, Silver Heels, up to Florida from Panama. I leave next Monday. Since there is limited internet access at sea the JOW will be a bit iffy for the next few weeks. Perhaps Tor will be able to blog something on his very interesting webpage, http://www.tor.cc/.
In the meantime here are a few medically-themed jokes.
Voltaire (1694 1778) knew a bit about doctors:
Doctors pour drugs of which they know little, to cure diseases of which they know less, into human beings of whom they know nothing.
And again
The art of medicine consists of amusing the patient while nature cures the disease.
…………………………………….
The seven-year old girl told her mom, “A boy in my class asked me to play doctor.”
“Oh, dear,” the mother nervously sighed. “What happened, honey?”
“Nothing. He made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company.”
+++++++++++++++++++++++
Have you noticed that more doctors are running their practices like an assembly line?
A man walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
So she took down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history, and told him to wait in an examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked him what he had.
He said "Shingles."
So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
The doctor said, "Where?"
He said, "Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"
------------------------------------------
A doctor explained his prescription to his new patient:
“Take green pill with a big glass of water after getting up. Take blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Just before bed take red pill with another big glass of water.”
“Doctor just what's wrong with me?”
“You're not getting enough water.”
Here are a few one liners
• Costrophobia--Fear of rising drug prices.
• We need a good affordable disease.
• Diet tranquilizer--you don't lose weight, but you really don't
care.
• Four out of five doctors recommend another doctor.
• I stopped taking tranquilizers. I was starting to be nice to people I didn't even want to talk to.
• There is a new pill to increase virility, but if it backfires you get hemorrhoids.
• It always amazes me the progress scientists are making in cancer research. Every day they discover something else that causes it.
• Despite all the advances in medical technology the death rate remains the same: One to a person.
____________________________
Finally, since I am in one of those years of age that end in “0” I seem to have Colon Rectal Surgeons on my mind. Or maybe I have them on the other end. At any rate, here is a brief ditty to ‘end up’ on.
I praise the colorectal surgeon
Misunderstood and much maligned
Slaving in the heart of darkness
Working where the sun don’t shine
Respect the colorectal surgeon
It’s a calling few would crave
Lift up your hand and gladly join me
Let’s all do the ‘finger wave’
Some think the cardiologist
Is their faithful friend
But the colorectal surgeon
Will be there in the end
Why be a colorectal surgeon?
It’s one of those mysterious things
Perhaps because in their profession
There are lots of openings
I praise the colorectal surgeon
Misunderstood and much maligned
Slaving in the heart of darkness
Working where the sun don’t shine
Note: I am allowed to do these kind of things. I have a poetic license.
Tom Pinney
In the meantime here are a few medically-themed jokes.
Voltaire (1694 1778) knew a bit about doctors:
Doctors pour drugs of which they know little, to cure diseases of which they know less, into human beings of whom they know nothing.
And again
The art of medicine consists of amusing the patient while nature cures the disease.
…………………………………….
The seven-year old girl told her mom, “A boy in my class asked me to play doctor.”
“Oh, dear,” the mother nervously sighed. “What happened, honey?”
“Nothing. He made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company.”
+++++++++++++++++++++++
Have you noticed that more doctors are running their practices like an assembly line?
A man walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
So she took down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history, and told him to wait in an examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked him what he had.
He said "Shingles."
So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
The doctor said, "Where?"
He said, "Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"
------------------------------------------
A doctor explained his prescription to his new patient:
“Take green pill with a big glass of water after getting up. Take blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Just before bed take red pill with another big glass of water.”
“Doctor just what's wrong with me?”
“You're not getting enough water.”
Here are a few one liners
• Costrophobia--Fear of rising drug prices.
• We need a good affordable disease.
• Diet tranquilizer--you don't lose weight, but you really don't
care.
• Four out of five doctors recommend another doctor.
• I stopped taking tranquilizers. I was starting to be nice to people I didn't even want to talk to.
• There is a new pill to increase virility, but if it backfires you get hemorrhoids.
• It always amazes me the progress scientists are making in cancer research. Every day they discover something else that causes it.
• Despite all the advances in medical technology the death rate remains the same: One to a person.
____________________________
Finally, since I am in one of those years of age that end in “0” I seem to have Colon Rectal Surgeons on my mind. Or maybe I have them on the other end. At any rate, here is a brief ditty to ‘end up’ on.
I praise the colorectal surgeon
Misunderstood and much maligned
Slaving in the heart of darkness
Working where the sun don’t shine
Respect the colorectal surgeon
It’s a calling few would crave
Lift up your hand and gladly join me
Let’s all do the ‘finger wave’
Some think the cardiologist
Is their faithful friend
But the colorectal surgeon
Will be there in the end
Why be a colorectal surgeon?
It’s one of those mysterious things
Perhaps because in their profession
There are lots of openings
I praise the colorectal surgeon
Misunderstood and much maligned
Slaving in the heart of darkness
Working where the sun don’t shine
Note: I am allowed to do these kind of things. I have a poetic license.
Tom Pinney
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Paraprosdokin JOW
Spring, or as I call it “achoo”, has arrived in Texas. The trees are putting out green buds, flowers are popping up all over, and the weather is glorious. I had thought to have Spring-like theme for my JOW but then discovered that Mary Ellen knows Larson E Whipsade personally. Well, he claims that is his name. She forwarded on some of his paraprosdokians (Google it) for me to share with my JOW victims along, with a few other random thoughts and one short joke from Mary Ellen.
• I prefer to take life with a grain of salt; with a slice of lemon and a shot of tequila.
• True hospitality is making guest feel like they are at home even if you wish they were.
• Some cause happiness wherever they go. Some whenever they go.
• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
• If buses stop at bus stations and trains stop at train stations, why do they call it a ‘work station’?
• The Evening News is where they begin by saying ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
• You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive more than once.
• I saw a busty young woman with a shirt on that said “Guess” - so I said “Implants?”
• Women can never equal men until they can master the equivalent of walking down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they are sexy.
• How can one careless match start a forest fire when I need a whole box to start a campfire?
• To steal ideas from someone is called ‘plagiarism’. To steal ideas from many is ‘research’.
• When you give money to influence a businessman it is called ‘bribery’. When you give money to influence elected officials it is called ‘campaign contributions’.
• Why do we get 50 choices for Miss America and so few for president?
• A clear conscience is usually the sing of a bad memory.
• I used to be indecisive but now I am not sure.
• When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department uses water.
• To be certain of hitting your target, shoot first; then declare whatever you hit was your target.
• We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public. (Unless you are Charlie Sheen)
• A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
• The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some pretty neat ideas.
• Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. And some people have no imagination at all.
====================================
Two beggars would go out every day and hold up signs asking for cash in different parts of town. Every day Carlos would only bring home a few dollars while Jose would come back with piles of ten dollar bills.
After a few weeks of this Carlos came up to Jose, “Hey Amigo, we both beg for the same amount of time; how come you come home with so much more money than I do every day?”
“Look at your sign,” Jose said. “What does it say?”
“I have no work and a wife and six kids to support. Please help.”
“No wonder you don’t get much money,” Jose said.
“What does your sign say?” asked Carlos.
“I need ten more dollars to get back to Mexico.”
...................
Authorities recently discovered a skeleton in a house being demolished. After checking the records they determined it was the winner of the 1961 “Hide and Go Seek” championship.
• I prefer to take life with a grain of salt; with a slice of lemon and a shot of tequila.
• True hospitality is making guest feel like they are at home even if you wish they were.
• Some cause happiness wherever they go. Some whenever they go.
• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
• If buses stop at bus stations and trains stop at train stations, why do they call it a ‘work station’?
• The Evening News is where they begin by saying ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
• You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive more than once.
• I saw a busty young woman with a shirt on that said “Guess” - so I said “Implants?”
• Women can never equal men until they can master the equivalent of walking down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they are sexy.
• How can one careless match start a forest fire when I need a whole box to start a campfire?
• To steal ideas from someone is called ‘plagiarism’. To steal ideas from many is ‘research’.
• When you give money to influence a businessman it is called ‘bribery’. When you give money to influence elected officials it is called ‘campaign contributions’.
• Why do we get 50 choices for Miss America and so few for president?
• A clear conscience is usually the sing of a bad memory.
• I used to be indecisive but now I am not sure.
• When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department uses water.
• To be certain of hitting your target, shoot first; then declare whatever you hit was your target.
• We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public. (Unless you are Charlie Sheen)
• A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
• The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some pretty neat ideas.
• Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. And some people have no imagination at all.
====================================
Two beggars would go out every day and hold up signs asking for cash in different parts of town. Every day Carlos would only bring home a few dollars while Jose would come back with piles of ten dollar bills.
After a few weeks of this Carlos came up to Jose, “Hey Amigo, we both beg for the same amount of time; how come you come home with so much more money than I do every day?”
“Look at your sign,” Jose said. “What does it say?”
“I have no work and a wife and six kids to support. Please help.”
“No wonder you don’t get much money,” Jose said.
“What does your sign say?” asked Carlos.
“I need ten more dollars to get back to Mexico.”
...................
Authorities recently discovered a skeleton in a house being demolished. After checking the records they determined it was the winner of the 1961 “Hide and Go Seek” championship.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Ole and Lena JOW
Ole and Lena jokes are a staple of the upper Midwest. Ole and Lena are prototypical Norwegian-Americans living in rural Minnesota sometimes including thick accents. Usually their jokes are in the “dumb” category that blondes fill in other regions but they are sometimes bawdy: this is one of the mildest examples I can give without violating my JOW standards:
“So, Ole, I hear you are going on a vacation.”
“Yeah, goin’ back to Norway to visit da family der.”
“Well, be careful. You know what happens when you go on vacation. You went to Duluth, Lena got pregnant; you took that trip to Calgary, Lena got pregnant; you visited Chicago, Lena got pregnant.”
“No change of that happening this time.”
“Why not?”
“I am taking her with me.”
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
When Ole and Lena were young and in love they would got to their favorite spot to park. One night while parked hugging and kissing Ole asks Lena, "Lena how would you like to go in the back?"
"No," she replies. So they hug and kiss some more. Again, Ole asks Lena to go in the back.
Lena replies, "Ole, why are you always asking me to go in the back, I want to stay in front with you!
================================
Ole and Lena had been going steady for almost twenty years. One night Ole remarked, “Lena, we been together for a long time now; maybe we should get married.”
“Married,” scoffed Lena, “at our age who would have us?”
++++++++++++++++++++++
Ole and Lena got married. On their honeymoon trip they were nearing Minneapolis when Ole put his hand on Lena's knee. Giggling, Lena Said, "Ole, you can go farther if ya vant to"... so Ole drove to Duluth.
```````````````````````````````````````````````
Ole and Lena went to the hospital so Lena could give birth to their first baby. As Ole waited in the lobby, the doctor came out to inform him that he had some good news and some bad news. "The good news is that you have a normal baby boy. However, the baby had to be delivered Caesarian."
Ole started crying: "Vell, I'm glad it is a healthy baby...but I vas kinda hoping it would be a Norvegian."
…………………………………..
A few years later Lena made a panicked call to the doctor. “Doctor! Little Ole just swallowed a bullet! What should ve do?”
“Just stay calm,” advised the doctor, “give him some castor oil and make sure you don’t aim him at anybody.”
___________________
Ole started a farm machinery business. He put it a big advertisement in the paper:
“We stand behind all our implements – with the exception of the manure spreaders.”
---------------------------------
Finally Lena passed away; Ole called 911. The 911 operator told Ole that she would send someone out right away.
"Where do you live?" asked the operator.
Ole replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
"Can you spell that for me?" the operator asked.
There was a long pause and finally Ole said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up der?"
“So, Ole, I hear you are going on a vacation.”
“Yeah, goin’ back to Norway to visit da family der.”
“Well, be careful. You know what happens when you go on vacation. You went to Duluth, Lena got pregnant; you took that trip to Calgary, Lena got pregnant; you visited Chicago, Lena got pregnant.”
“No change of that happening this time.”
“Why not?”
“I am taking her with me.”
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
When Ole and Lena were young and in love they would got to their favorite spot to park. One night while parked hugging and kissing Ole asks Lena, "Lena how would you like to go in the back?"
"No," she replies. So they hug and kiss some more. Again, Ole asks Lena to go in the back.
Lena replies, "Ole, why are you always asking me to go in the back, I want to stay in front with you!
================================
Ole and Lena had been going steady for almost twenty years. One night Ole remarked, “Lena, we been together for a long time now; maybe we should get married.”
“Married,” scoffed Lena, “at our age who would have us?”
++++++++++++++++++++++
Ole and Lena got married. On their honeymoon trip they were nearing Minneapolis when Ole put his hand on Lena's knee. Giggling, Lena Said, "Ole, you can go farther if ya vant to"... so Ole drove to Duluth.
```````````````````````````````````````````````
Ole and Lena went to the hospital so Lena could give birth to their first baby. As Ole waited in the lobby, the doctor came out to inform him that he had some good news and some bad news. "The good news is that you have a normal baby boy. However, the baby had to be delivered Caesarian."
Ole started crying: "Vell, I'm glad it is a healthy baby...but I vas kinda hoping it would be a Norvegian."
…………………………………..
A few years later Lena made a panicked call to the doctor. “Doctor! Little Ole just swallowed a bullet! What should ve do?”
“Just stay calm,” advised the doctor, “give him some castor oil and make sure you don’t aim him at anybody.”
___________________
Ole started a farm machinery business. He put it a big advertisement in the paper:
“We stand behind all our implements – with the exception of the manure spreaders.”
---------------------------------
Finally Lena passed away; Ole called 911. The 911 operator told Ole that she would send someone out right away.
"Where do you live?" asked the operator.
Ole replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
"Can you spell that for me?" the operator asked.
There was a long pause and finally Ole said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up der?"
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Childish JOW
I have a few mixed jokes this week. The first couple are rather childish – but then most of my jokes are.
I hope you enjoy them.
A little boy came home from his first day at school and asked his mom the dreaded question – “Mom, what is sex?”
I modern woman who believed in open and honest education, she took a deep breath and gave him a through and detailed explanation of that tricky subject.
When she finished the obviously confused boy took out the enrolment form he had brought home from school and asked, “But how am I going to get all that into this little box.”
++++++++++++++++++++++++
Here is a sweet story from Martha.
One day my mother was out, and my dad was in charge of me.
I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my mom came home.
My dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' Mom waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy; and she watched him drink it up.
Then she said, (as only a mother would know), "'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"
================================
We all think if BBC as having some wonderful announcers. Okay, they have some great accents but they are not always exactly clear. Here are a few actual quotes from various announcers:
• “Here we are in the Holy Land of Israel – a Mecca for tourists.”
• “In a sense it is a one-man show except there are two men involved, and a third man, the goalie.”
• “You weigh up the pros and cons and try to put them in chronological order.”
• Peter Snow – “In a sense Deng Xiaoping’s death was inevitable, wasn’t it?”
Expert on China – “Yes.”
------------------------------------------
Finally, a famous epitaph -
Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was
71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.
Born and bread in Minnesota, Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half- baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a
positive roll model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
If you'd like, you can pass this on to someone having a crumby day and kneads a lift.
I hope you enjoy them.
A little boy came home from his first day at school and asked his mom the dreaded question – “Mom, what is sex?”
I modern woman who believed in open and honest education, she took a deep breath and gave him a through and detailed explanation of that tricky subject.
When she finished the obviously confused boy took out the enrolment form he had brought home from school and asked, “But how am I going to get all that into this little box.”
++++++++++++++++++++++++
Here is a sweet story from Martha.
One day my mother was out, and my dad was in charge of me.
I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my mom came home.
My dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' Mom waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy; and she watched him drink it up.
Then she said, (as only a mother would know), "'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"
================================
We all think if BBC as having some wonderful announcers. Okay, they have some great accents but they are not always exactly clear. Here are a few actual quotes from various announcers:
• “Here we are in the Holy Land of Israel – a Mecca for tourists.”
• “In a sense it is a one-man show except there are two men involved, and a third man, the goalie.”
• “You weigh up the pros and cons and try to put them in chronological order.”
• Peter Snow – “In a sense Deng Xiaoping’s death was inevitable, wasn’t it?”
Expert on China – “Yes.”
------------------------------------------
Finally, a famous epitaph -
Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was
71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.
Born and bread in Minnesota, Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half- baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a
positive roll model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
If you'd like, you can pass this on to someone having a crumby day and kneads a lift.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Get your Ice Cold JOW
Martha, Mary Ellen, and Bil all provided some good JOW fodder this week. They include a few that highlight our recent winter weather.
It has been so cold here that the Emergency Service has issued a travel warning due to the cold weather. They suggest that anyone travelling in the current icy conditions should make sure they have the following:
• Shovel
• Blankets or sleeping bag
• Extra clothing including hat and gloves
• 24 hours worth of food
• Rock Salt
• Flashlight with spare batteries
• Road Flares or Reflective Triangles
• Empty gas Can
• First Aid Kit
• Jumper cables
I looked like an idiot on the bus this morning!
******************************
An Irish Family Tradition
Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk right over the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink. So when Paddy's 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Mick took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Paddy stepped out of the boat ... and nearly drowned! Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.
Confused and furious, Paddy went to see his grandmother. "Grandma," he asked, "It's my 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?" Granny looked into Paddy's troubled brown eyes and said, "That would be because your father, your grandfather, and your great grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen. You were born in August, you nit wit."
-----------------------
Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit.
Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Can You Solve This Puzzle?
You are riding on a beautiful white horse.
On your left side is a drop off.
On your right side are several ostriches being chased by a lion.
In front of you are four large gazelles that won't get out of your way
and you can't seem to overtake them.
Behind you is a stampede of horses.
What must you do to get out of this bizarre and dangerous situation?
Answer
* Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round. *
========================
A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when
another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever
in the middle seat next to the man.
The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was
allowed on the plane.
The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement
Agency and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'.
'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get
airborne, when I put him to work.'
The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the Policeman said, 'Watch this.'
He told Sniffer to 'search'.
Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very
purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.
Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman's arm.
The Policeman said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man and said, 'That
woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.
'Gee, that's pretty good,' replied the first man.
Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles.
The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to
its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm.
The Policeman said, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a
note of his seat number for the police.'
'I like it !' said his seat mate.
The Policeman then told Sniffer to 'search' again.
Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a
moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat
and covered his ears with his paws.
The first man asked the Policeman, 'What's going on?'
The Policeman nervously replied, 'He's just found a bomb.'
It has been so cold here that the Emergency Service has issued a travel warning due to the cold weather. They suggest that anyone travelling in the current icy conditions should make sure they have the following:
• Shovel
• Blankets or sleeping bag
• Extra clothing including hat and gloves
• 24 hours worth of food
• Rock Salt
• Flashlight with spare batteries
• Road Flares or Reflective Triangles
• Empty gas Can
• First Aid Kit
• Jumper cables
I looked like an idiot on the bus this morning!
******************************
An Irish Family Tradition
Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk right over the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink. So when Paddy's 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Mick took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Paddy stepped out of the boat ... and nearly drowned! Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.
Confused and furious, Paddy went to see his grandmother. "Grandma," he asked, "It's my 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?" Granny looked into Paddy's troubled brown eyes and said, "That would be because your father, your grandfather, and your great grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen. You were born in August, you nit wit."
-----------------------
Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit.
Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Can You Solve This Puzzle?
You are riding on a beautiful white horse.
On your left side is a drop off.
On your right side are several ostriches being chased by a lion.
In front of you are four large gazelles that won't get out of your way
and you can't seem to overtake them.
Behind you is a stampede of horses.
What must you do to get out of this bizarre and dangerous situation?
Answer
* Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round. *
========================
A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when
another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever
in the middle seat next to the man.
The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was
allowed on the plane.
The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement
Agency and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'.
'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get
airborne, when I put him to work.'
The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the Policeman said, 'Watch this.'
He told Sniffer to 'search'.
Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very
purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.
Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman's arm.
The Policeman said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man and said, 'That
woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.
'Gee, that's pretty good,' replied the first man.
Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles.
The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to
its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm.
The Policeman said, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a
note of his seat number for the police.'
'I like it !' said his seat mate.
The Policeman then told Sniffer to 'search' again.
Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a
moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat
and covered his ears with his paws.
The first man asked the Policeman, 'What's going on?'
The Policeman nervously replied, 'He's just found a bomb.'
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Grandfatherly JOW
It has been cold here outside Houston as it has been around most of the nation. What is exciting is that they are actually predicting some Snow this week. We get a dusting of snow every decade or so, but this is a prediction of over an inch. Cool – or rather, cold! Best of all the snow will melt after a few charming hours. I whine about the heat and humidity here but it is comforting to remember that your car does not get stuck in heat and humidity does not have to be shoveled.
Tink provided me with most of these “old” jokes with some additional ones from Martha. The first joke is in honor of my own old ailing mom, (my sisters will understand).
…………………
After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice,
"Who was THAT?"
=========================
A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one child.
"No," said another. "He's just for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close."They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."
*************
A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."
+++++++++++++++
A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story.
"What's it about?" he asked.
"I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."
My young granddaughter called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. She asked me how old I was, and I told him I was 60. My granddaughter was quiet for a moment, and then she asked,”Did you start at 1?"
----------------------------
When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights.
Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher.
The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."
The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.
"Sure," said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child."
+++++++++++++++
And here are some of those famous Church Bulletins notices which remind us all how important it is in the English language to keep your objects and verbs in order:
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
………………………………
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
And finally, for the socially tone deaf among us:
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door. Weight Watchers will also meet at 7 PM. Please use large double doors at the side entrance.
Tom
Tink provided me with most of these “old” jokes with some additional ones from Martha. The first joke is in honor of my own old ailing mom, (my sisters will understand).
…………………
After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice,
"Who was THAT?"
=========================
A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one child.
"No," said another. "He's just for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close."They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."
*************
A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."
+++++++++++++++
A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story.
"What's it about?" he asked.
"I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."
My young granddaughter called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. She asked me how old I was, and I told him I was 60. My granddaughter was quiet for a moment, and then she asked,”Did you start at 1?"
----------------------------
When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights.
Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher.
The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."
The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.
"Sure," said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child."
+++++++++++++++
And here are some of those famous Church Bulletins notices which remind us all how important it is in the English language to keep your objects and verbs in order:
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
………………………………
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
And finally, for the socially tone deaf among us:
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door. Weight Watchers will also meet at 7 PM. Please use large double doors at the side entrance.
Tom
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