Administrative JOW #1175

I am going to start this week with a few quick, unrelated jokes.

 

My sense of humor is probably due to unresolved childhood trauma.

 

Now that St. Patrick’s Day is past everyone can go back to their original nationality… until May 5^th.

 

I got a wish from a Leprechaun.  I played it safe and told him I just wanted to be happy.

Now I am working in a mine with six other dwarves.   

 

Mr. Peanut’s last words: “I’ll be back in a Jif.”

 

Nothing ruins a Friday more than an understanding that today is Tuesday.

 

Taco Bell Sign: Now Hiring Managers.

[Two weeks later …] Taco Bell Sign: Now Hiring Managers. Background Checks Required.

 

Here’s some advice: At a job interview, tell them you’re willing to give 110 percent. Unless the job is a statistician. 

 

Sometimes I like to sit my dog down for a performance review, just to remind him who’s boss.

 

Why is it that no one is ever the correct amount of ‘whelmed’?

George Washington is the only president to not blame the previous administration for his problems

 

I’m pretty sure the dinosaurs died out when they stopped gathering food and started having meetings to discuss gathering food. 

 

Kale is such a versatile vegetable.   It fits in any size trash can.

 

Potatoes, on the other hand, provide loads of vitamins, minerals, and nutrients.  And you can have them fried, roasted, or baked and loaded up with all sorts of delicious things. And they make potato chips, and French fries, and vodka.  It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.

 

I learned the average person has nine alcoholic drinks a week.  It is so nice to above average in something.

 

My memory has gotten so bad it has actually caused me to lose my job. I’m still employed. I just can’t remember where.

 

Some office jokes

Scene: The break room.

Coworker #1 pulls out a bottle of vitamins.

Coworker #2: What’s that?

Coworker #1: Vitamin D.

Coworker #2: Why do you take that?

Coworker #1: Because we live in Ohio, and we never see the sun.

Coworker #2: Wait a minute … they make a vitamin that gives you a tan?

~~~~~

Employee #1: I wouldn’t eat caviar. That’s fish eggs!

Employee #2: I’d try it. After all, I eat chicken eggs.

Employee #3: You eat chicken eggs?!

 

Our boss asked the new intern to make three copies of an office key. The guy returned ten minutes later with the copies … which he’d made on the Xerox machine. 

 

To resolve conflicts between management and staff, a facilitator brought both sides together and asked employees to jot down key words on a flip chart. One participant complained about management’s tendency to interfere and wrote the word nitpicking. A manager leaped to his feet to ask, “Shouldn’t there be a hyphen between nit and picking?”

 

The boss was known as a stickler for good spelling. So when an associate e-mailed technical documents and asked her to “decifer” them, she had to set him straight.

“Decipher is spelled with a ph, not an f,” she wrote. “In case you’ve forgotten, spellchecker comes free with your Microsoft program.”  

A minute later came his reply: “Must be dephective.”

 

Client to designer: “It doesn’t really look purple. It looks more like a mixture of red and blue.”

 

Same Client: The blue looks OK, but it would be great if it was a little more orange. Like “blorange.”

 

We were making leaflets for a local church, and the client wanted a logo designed with Earth being shielded by the hand of God. I sent the client a proof. Shortly thereafter, got a call. Client: The hand looks too human. Please use a hand that looks more like God’s. 

 

The tech was trying to fix the office Internet connection.  An employee in the other room called out for the computer password.

“Start with a capital S, then 123,” the tech shouted back.

They tried S123 several times, but it didn’t work. So they called the tech in. As he input the password, he muttered, “I really don’t know what’s so difficult about typing Start123.”

 

System administrators should be called LANlords.

 

Irate tenant talking to his landlord about the late rent:

 “So ... you’re talking to me only because the rent’s not paid? Is that all I am to you? A tenant?” 

 

I guess this is what happens after you’ve worked at the same place for a while: an employee began his shift at a restaurant by walking into the kitchen area and calling out, “Honey, I’m home!” 

 

An insurance agent called the medical office. One of the doctors had filled out a medically necessary leave-of-absence form for a patient, but, the agent said, the patient had altered it. The giveaway? The return-to-work date had been changed to February 30. 

 

The maternity ward was quiet, there were few babies there and only one boy.  Thus the nurse on duty smiled when she saw a harried man come in with a floral arrangement wrapped in blue ribbons proclaiming ‘It’s a boy.’

Gesturing to the baby boy she asked, “Does he look like you?”

“I hope not,” he said. “I just deliver flowers.”

 

And finally

A mathematician, and physicist, and an engineer are asked to find the volume of a red rubber ball.

The mathematician knows that the volume of a sphere has been mathematically determined so he measures the radius and puts it into the proper formula.

The physicist knows that Archimedes discovered how to determine the volume of an object so he submerges it in water and record the change in water level.

The engineer finds the number on the ball then pulls out their book of red rubber balls and finds its specifications.

 

Yet Another Old JOW #1174

 It’s weird being the same age as old people.  I admit to being a ‘senior’ but resist being called ‘elderly’.  The difference, as I am fond of saying, is that seniors talk about their aches and pains and the elderly talk about their operations and procedures.  I admit I was feeling pretty creaky after hearing the TV reporter say, "To contact me, go to my Facebook page, follow me on Twitter, or try me the old-fashioned way-e-mail."  I try not let my age define me, but the side effects are getting harder to ignore.  I have gone from eating pigs in a blanket to being a pig in a blanket.  But there is a humorous side to all this old stuff.  Like these jokes.

 

When I was younger if I dropped something I just picked it up.  Now I stare at it and try to decide if I actually need it.

 

There are some advantages to getting older.  A nice young man from India will often call me up just to because he is very concerned about my car warranty.

 

Gray Pride. 

We’re old.

We’re tired.

Get off our lawn.

 

When young people tell me how tough it is I tell them how I survived without a cell phone and the internet for fifty years.   I may not know how to TicTok, but I can write in cursive, do long division, and tell time on analog clocks, so there’s that.

 

Everything's starting to click for me these days.  My knees, my elbows, my neck …   It’s like the ‘check engine’ light on my body has come on.

 

Listening to the Eagles, I’m not sure what to do:  “Take it Easy” or “Take it to the Limit.”

The location of my musical choices have changed.

When I was 16 my favorite songs were on the radio.

When I was 21 I heard my songs in my favorite bar.

Now I hear my favorite songs in the grocery store.

 

An old guy got carded at the liquor store. While he was taking out his ID, his old Blockbuster card fell out. The clerk shook his head, said, “Never mind,” and rang him up.

 

I hear there is a new blockbuster movie coming out with Harrison Ford, who is getting up there in years.  Maybe they should call it:  Indiana Jones and the Afternoon Nap

 

Saw an older friend in the store for the first time in a while.  I asked how her husband was.

“He’s gone,” she relied, meaning he had passed on.

Thinking she meant he had gone on a trip I thoughtlessly replied,

“Why didn’t you go with him?”

Ooops.

+++++++++++++

·         What happens when a woman ages out of being a cougar?  She becomes a Def Leppard.

·         The inventor of autocorrect died yesterday.  The funeral will be held tomato

·         When does the ‘old enough to know better’ kick in?

·         One of the shortest wills ever written: "Being of sound mind, I spent all the money." 

 

Seeing her friend Sally wearing a new locket, Meg asks if there is a memento of some sort inside.

“Yes,” says Sally, “A lock of my husband’s hair.”

“But Larry’s still alive.”

“I know, but his hair is gone.”

 

"Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, an elderly man and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table.
"Young man, we're both 90 years old," he told the maître d'. "We may not have 45 minutes."
They were seated immediately.

 

Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, “That is really nice. After all these years that you have been married, you keep calling your wife those pet names.”

Morris hung his head and whispered, “To tell the truth, I forgot her name three years ago.”

 

We do not throw away perfectly good food in my house.  We wrap it carefully in aluminum foil and put it in the refrigerator for a couple of weeks until it spoils.

*Then* we throw it away.

 

After a 91-year-old woman finished having her hair cut and shaped, the stylist announced, “There, now you look ten years younger.”

The old lady, un­impressed, replied, “Who wants to look 81 years old?”

 

“This is your great-grandma and great grandpa,” I told my grandson as I handed him a photo of my parents. “Do you think I look like them?”

He shook his head. “Not yet.”

 

"For my grandmother's 80th birthday, we had a huge family celebration and even managed to get a photo announcement printed in the local paper.

"That was a nice shot," I commented.
"It's my passport picture," she revealed.
"Really?" I stared in amazement at my homebody grandma. "Where did you go?"
"Walgreens," she replied. "

 

To my friend's astonishment, a police car pulled up to her house and her elderly grand-father got out. The patrolman explained that the old gentleman had been lost in the city park and had asked for help.
"Why, Grandfather," my friend said, "you've been going there for 40 years. How could you get lost?"
The old man smiled slyly. "Wasn't exactly lost," he admitted. "I just got tired of walking."

 

And at long last…

Bob, age 92, and Mary, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. While out for a stroll to discuss the wedding they pass a drugstore. Bob suggests they go in.
Bob asks to speak to the pharmacist. He explains they're about to get married, and asks,
"Do you sell heart medication?"
"Of course we do," the pharmacist replies.
"Medicine for rheumatism?"
"Definitely," he says.
"Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"
"Yes, the works."
"What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antacids?"
"Absolutely."
"Do you sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
"All speeds and sizes."
"Good," Bob says to the pharmacist. "We'd like to register for our wedding gifts here, please."

 

Economical JOW #1173

 

I like to have a theme for my JOW.  Sometimes I look for things that are not considered funny – such as bad economic times.  Economics in general is a tough subject.  It’s hard to find economics jokes… there is not enough demand.  Make no mistake, Economics itself is ridiculously funny.  A few years ago, two economists shared the Noble Prize of Economics.  Their prizes were awarded for refuting one another’s work.   I suspect astrology was invented so that economics would seem like an accurate science. Here are a few economics jokes for you.

The economy is getting so bad that

·         I am getting pre-declined credit cards in the mail.

·         Exxon had to lay off 25 congressmen.

·         Motel Six won’t leave a light on.

·         Wall Street is not Wal-Mart Street.

·         CEOs are playing miniature golf

 

Books about the social contact and demand-side economics are hard to find.  They are under Locke and Keynes.

 

How many economists do you need to change a light bulb? You don't need any. If the light bulb really had to change, the market forces would have already made it happen.

 

Why is the work of an economist and a plumber so similar in nature? Both of them handle gross domestic product.

 

Which biblical character would have made a great economist? Noah, because while everyone's stocks were in liquidation, his were afloat.

 

Why didn't the banker tell any of his friends a capitalism joke? They couldn't afford to get it.

 

Why does Bernie Sanders prefer writing in lowercase? Hi isn’t too fond of capitalism.

 

What do you call an economist who hates to spend a lot of money on his books? An Economizer.

 

 What are the first two laws of economics? For each economist, there's supposed to exist an equal and opposite economist; the second law suggests that they're both wrong.

 

The economy is so bad that bedbugs are infesting sleeping bags and tents because they can’t afford to stay in hotels.

 

A socialist went to a modern economics school.  He got top Marx.

 

Economics professors make their students buy the textbooks the professors wrote.

It’s textbook economics.

 

A woman goes to the butcher shop to buy some sausages

When she gets them, she notices that they're half pork and half cornmeal. Bringing this up to the butcher, she says, "It’s cornmeal on the left and pork on the right!" He tells her "It's to cut costs, ma'am. In this economy, it's so hard to make all ends meat."

 

In today's economy what do Gender Studies graduates bring to the table?

Your lunch.

 

Cat ownership is like the economy: 50% of cats are owned by the top 10% of cat lovers

 

When the economy is good, people drink. When the economy is bad, people drink. The moral?

Invest in alcohol.

 

We should move to a herb based fuel economy.  We can finally make the trains run on thyme.

 

Wood fired pizza in this economy?

How's pizza gonna get a job now?

 

In the 1980s the Soviet Economy minister is making speech at Communist Party session:
“According to latest statistics, our incomes rose 20%, our quality of life rose 30% and our buying economic power rose 40%.”
From the audience: That's great that YOURS did, but what about OURS??

 

The young man’s girlfriend's father asked him what he did for a living, he was embarrassed to say that he worked at McDonald's, so instead, he said …

"I handle transactions for a multi-billion-dollar company on a daily basis and help provide around $2 billion to the US economy each year."

 

Two blondes were talking:

“This economy is getting so bad, I had to pose topless for a magazine.  I'm never going back to *that* newsstand!”

The other replied, “Well, if someone comes to your front door saying they are checking for ticks due to warm weather and asks you to take off your clothes and dance around with your arms up…Don’t do it.  It’s a scam.  I wish I had known it yesterday.  I feel so stupid.”

~~~~~~~~~~~

Dove’s chocolate tastes way better than their soap.

 

You have to be odd to be number one.

 

Pollen is the snow of the south.

 

A truck hauling Ramen Noodles lost its entire load last week with estimated damages of $43.25.

 

If you don’t remember her name in the morning, take her to Starbucks.

 

People ask why I drink booze.  Actually I have a medical condition whereby my body does not produce its own alcohol, so I ‘m forced to take a supplement.

 

Alcohol – Cheaper than therapy.

 

Two books ran into each other.

“You look thinner somehow?”

“Yeah, I had my appendix removed.”

 

A customer walked into a clothing shop and asked to see the pants that were advertised in the paper that day.

“We don’t have an ad in the paper today,” the owner told her. She insisted he was wrong, so he got a copy of the paper, and they went through it, eventually landing on an ad for pants from another local store.

Exasperated, the customer glared at him and said, “In my newspaper, the ad was for this store!”

And finally:

A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together.

After the man received the full treatment—shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc.—he placed the boy in the chair.

“I’m going to buy a green tie to wear for the parade,” he said. “I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

When the boy’s haircut was completed and the man still hadn’t returned, the barber said, “Looks like your daddy’s forgotten all about you.”

“That wasn’t my daddy,” said the boy. ”He just walked up, took me by the hand, and said ‘Come on, kid, we’re gonna get a free haircut!’”

  

 

Perspective JOW #1172

 Here are some jokes this week from my own twisted perspective.  I hope you enjoy them.

~~~~

I’m sorry that some of my hilarious jokes are inappropriate and by ‘sorry’ I mean ‘you’re welcome.’

 

Do you want to hear a construction joke? Sorry, I'm still working on it.

 

I used to be addicted to soap. But I'm clean now.

 

Am I getting older or is elevator music getting better?

 

I do all my own stunts – not intentionally.

 

Though I enjoy the sport, I could never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.

 

If they had a pill for procrastination I would probably take it…   tomorrow.

 

I went to the paint store to get thinner.  It didn’t work.

 

Interviewer - What’s the dumbest thing you’ve ever done?

Me – Awfully bold of you to think I’ve peaked.

 

My wife has be driving all over town looking for the right brand of paper towel.  That’s right, I’m a Bounty hunter now.

 

Waiter – How would you like your steak

Me – Like winning an argument with my wife

Waiter – Rare it is!

 

Man, my new SUV has everything.  But there is a button that says ‘rear wiper’.  I’m afraid to touch it.

 

My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate and burn them.

I did and I feel much better.  Now what do I do with all these letters?

 

Nice try Jehovah’s Witnesses, but dressing up like a cop and saying you have a warrant is not going to get me to open the door.

Troubling questions

Have you tried Taco Bell’s new $4.99 colon cleanse?

 

How come, ‘you’re a peach’ is a complement and ‘you’re bananas’ is an insult. 

 

How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.

 

What were Mr. Peanut’s last words?  I’ll be back in a Jiff.

 

Doesn’t scrolling all the way down to your birth year make you feel old?

~~~~~

Police have confirmed that the man who fell from the roof of the nightclub was not a bouncer.

 

Bigfoot is often confused with Sasquatch, Yeti never complains.

 

A skeleton walked into a bar and, looking down at his ribcage said, “I’d like a beer…. And a mop.  I am not able to hold my liquor.”

 

German words can be so long.  For example the German word for bra is stoppenfrumfloppen.

 

Hold your horses – be stable

 

A Pilot episode because it is the first time it’s on the air

Break a leg – be in a cast

 

Deja Poo: The feeling you have heard this crap before.

 

Rocky Mountain Oysters.  The original sack lunch

 

Once there were twins who were very close.  One of the twins was good…. The other was the evil one, who of course was eventually caught and sent to prison for six years.  Three years in, he sent his brother a letter.

“Remember when we used to finish one another’s sentences…?”

 

What is the thing that comes after a sentence?   An appeal.

=====

A husband and wife purchased an old home in Northern New York State from two elderly sisters.

Winter was fast approaching and the wife was concerned about the house’s lack of insulation.

“If they could live here all those years, so can we!” the husband confidently declared.

One November night the temperature plunged to below zero, and they woke up to find interior walls covered with frost.

The husband called the sisters to ask how they had kept the house warm.

After a rather brief conversation, he hung up.

“For the past 30 years,” he muttered, “they’ve gone to Texas for the winter.”

A few for the Boomers:

Carpenter ants are just like any other ants except ‘Rainy days and Mondays’ always get them down.

The Beastie Boys released a five part anthology.  Parts A-D are free but you have to ‘Fight for your right to Part E.’

Elton John but his pet rabbit on a treadmill….  “It’s a little fit bunny..”

 

Wife – Why are you making pancakes?

Me – They’re for the dogs.

Wife – Okay, why are you making pancakes for the dogs?

Me – Because they don’t know how.

Finally, a couple of Japanese jokes.

Kung Fu student asks his teacher, “Master, why does my ability not improve? I’m always defeated.”

And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers, “My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun, and their wings seeming like flames?”

“Yes, my master, I have.”

“And a waterfall, spilling mightily over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?”

“Yes, my master, I have witnessed it.”

And the moon... when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?”

“Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon.”

“That is the problem. You keep watching all that stuff instead of training!”

========

An alien spacecraft lands in a rice paddy in rural Japan and out comes a silver-suited alien, who floats over to an old rice farmer standing in amazement.

“Human creature,” the alien bellows, “we last visited your planet a ten thousand of your earth years ago. Tell us how you have evolved since then.”

The old man recovers himself, thinks for a moment and says, “Well, way back a long time ago, we were a crude bunch, no doubt. We’d take any old stick and walk down to the seashore, looking for something to eat. When we saw something, stab out came the stick, right through the fish or crab or urchin or whatever, and we’d eat it right off the stick.”

“That is truly a primitive state and in accordance with our records. But how have you evolved?”

“Oh, nowadays we use two sticks.”

 

This and That JOW #1171

I don’t have a particular theme for my jokes this week.  I am instead including a collection of mostly short little bits for you.  Enjoy.

++++++

Gee, it’s train derailment season and I still have be my balloon decorations up.

 

They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now! Wait…

 

Women’s roofing exposition.  All the shingle women will be there.

 

Did you ever wonder why the two ‘o’s in ‘cooperate’ are pronounced differently

 

I just bought a new thesaurus.  The pages were blank.  I had no words.

 

There is a thin line between the numerator and the denominator

 

My friend told me she wouldn’t eat beef tongue because it came out of a cow’s mouth.  So I gave her an egg.

 

I have a chicken proof lawn.  It’s impeccable.

 

Never run with bagpipes. You might bet kilt.

 

I think youngsters should think about the kind of world they are going to leave for Keith Richards and Willy Nelson.

 

A Hispanic magician did his trick.  Standing on the stage he called out “Uno, Dos”.  *Poof*  He disappeared without a “Tres”.

 

I got a bunch of people who showed up at my door claiming that I need to be saved or I would burn.  Stupid firefighters.

 

When a baby crawls across the floor to get its bottle it’s cute.  When I do it it’s ‘time for an intervention.’

 

What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches? A nervous wreck.

 

What do you call a woman who sets fire to all her bills? Bernadette.

 

I was kidnapped by mimes once. They did unspeakable things to me.

 

I saw Usain Bolt sprinting around the track shouting, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" It was a running joke.

 

 

Cell phones are better than the old land lines, but…..  I miss slamming the phone down on somebody.  Violently pressing ‘end call’ just doesn’t do it for me.

 

IF the earth was flat, cats would have already pushed everything off of it.

 

Insomniac Descartes- I think, therefore I cannot sleep

 

I have a Canadian friend who was such a heavy drinker he drank Canady Dry

 

What did the full glass say to the empty glass? "You look drunk."

 

Did you hear about the Italian chef who died? He pasta-way.

 

You're not completely useless. You can always serve as a bad example.

 

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

 

What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

 

What do the movies Titanic and The Sixth Sense have in common? Icy dead people.

 

When you die, what part of the body dies last? The pupils… they dilate.

 

You know there's no official training for trash collectors? They just pick things up as they go along.

 

Five easy steps to improve your attitude.

1.      Stand up

2.      Stretch

3.      Take a walk

4.      Board a plane

5.      Fly to Key West

6.      Never return

 

Alien abduction is about the only chance I have for a vacation, now.

 

How much would it take to obtain a singing ensemble?

You mean a choir?

Fine.  How much would it take to *acquire* a singing ensemble?

 

I just saw a coloring book for lazy people.  It was a penguin, a zebra, and a panda – in a snow storm.

 

A friend of mine went bald years ago but still carries around an old comb. He just can't part

"I stand corrected!" said the man in the orthopedic shoes.

 

Bad first date conversation.

Her: I love animals

Him: I work with animals.

Her; Oh, are you a vet?

Him: No, I’m a butcher.

 

Patient - I’m having trouble hearing lately

Doctor - Can you describe the symptoms?

Patient - Let’s see.  Homer is the fat one and his wife Marge has blue hair.

 

I lost some of the fingers of my right hand in an accident.  I asked the doctor if I could still write with it.

“Perhaps, but I wouldn’t count on it.”

Free falling jokes

Give a man a plane ticket and he will fly for a day.  Push a man out of a plane and he will fly for the rest of his life.

 

What's the difference between a golfer and a skydiver? A golfer goes whack "darn" and a skydiver goes "darn" whack.

 

A couple of semi-religious jokes to wrap it up.

Friedrich Nietzsche Dies. As he ascends to heaven, he begins to get worried that he might be wrong about atheism.

He gets even more worried when he finally reaches heaven, and it looks just like how all those religious people said it would.

Then an old man with a big white beard comes up to him, and says, “I’m God, looks like you were wrong about me.”

Nietzsche replies, “Not at all. If you’re up here in heaven, too, that just proves everything that I wrote is correct. God is dead!”

~~~~~

A donut walks into a church, approaches the priest and explains, “Excuse me, Father, I don’t mean to trouble you, but I’m very interested in joining the clergy. I was hoping that you could give me some pointers.”

The priest, after taking a moment to accept the fact that he’s speaking with a pastry, offers a warm smile in response.

“That is truly a noble calling,” he says. “Most frequently, individuals who wish to become priests begin by growing active in their parish, then entering a seminary. While in attendance there, would-be clergy members work to excel in every regard, reaffirming their beliefs and devoting themselves to the path of righteousness. When the time comes, a given initiate will be ordained as a deacon, which will allow them passage to the priesthood.”

“That sounds like a very involved process,” the donut confesses. “I’m not sure I have the time.”

“If you don’t mind me asking...” replies the priest. “What made you think you wanted to join the clergy if you’re not willing to commit to the process? Why do you want to be a priest at all?”

“Well...” the donut answers. “See, it’s because I’m holey.”

 

Ballooning JOW #1170

Last week there was a huge contretemps over a Chinese surveillance (a big word for spy) balloon which drifted across the US before being shot down over the Atlantic.  Such was the uproar that radar systems were re-tuned to pick up slow moving targets and suddenly there were numerous floating targets some of which were promptly shot down.  I can see it now…. There I was at 40,000 feet in my personal balloon, not bothering anybody…..    Anyway, I chose balloons as my theme this week.

Why did China use an intelligence-gathering balloon look for our data?  They heard that all our information was in ‘The Cloud’.

 

The reason the balloon did not go over Washington DC was because there was no intelligence there.

 

Good night table,

good night moon, 

good night Chinese spy balloon

 

AT&T reassured their customers, ‘Relax, they can’t spy on you if you can’t get a signal.”

 

My grandfather invented the cold air balloon.  It never really took off.  He wanted to do Cold Air Balloon rides for people afraid of heights.

 

What do you put in a female balloon?

Shelium.

 

I was having an argument about balloons the other day . . .

I may have blown things out of proportion.

 

I bought a balloon for $0.99

How much should I sell it for after I adjust for inflation?

 

My balloon elephant wouldn't fit in my backseat

So I had to pop the trunk.

 

Airport police say that the number of people smuggling helium balloons in their luggage is under control.

And yet cases continue to rise.

 

Two balloons were floating through the desert when one called out, "Look out, a cactussssss...."

 

What was the balloons last words to his dad?

“Watch me Pop!”

 

A girl wrote ‘will you marry me?’ on a balloon and her boyfriend immediately popped the question.

 

What do you call a balloon animal made out of a condom?

A Trojan horse.

 

And that reminded me of another condom joke:

Young couple finishes having sex when the female rolls over and looks at the box of condoms sitting on the nights stand.  She notices that there are only six left out of the original dozen.
The woman confronts her boyfriend.  “We only used one. What happened to the other 5 condoms?”
The young man tells her that he used them to make balloon animals for his young niece and nephew.
Later that night the girl is out to dinner with another male friend and tells him the story about the balloon animals.
“What do you think?” she says
He laughs and says “I do that all the time, too”.
“Are you telling me you make balloon animals with condoms also?”
"No, I lie to my girlfriend."

 

Once upon a time there was a mommy, daddy and baby balloon. The time had come that baby balloon had grown so big he no longer fit between his mom and dad in bed so they decided it was best he slept alone in his own bed from there on out.
Bedtime comes and off baby balloon goes to be tucked in, only to still be awake an hour later worrying about what may be lurking in the dark. He bounces over to his parent’s room and tries squeezing between them to no avail. After thinking carefully about his next steps he loosens his father's valve and deflates him slightly, then the same to his mother; still, he cannot fit. He does the most logical thing and deflates himself a little slightly until he can fit beside them.
Morning comes and mommy and daddy balloon aren't happy.
"Son." Said dad "I am not angry, I am just disappointed, not only have you let me and your mom down you have let yourself down as well"

 

Let’s shift away from the balloon jokes.

 

I bumped into a mannequin and said ‘sorry’.  Then said ‘I thought you were a person’.  Then I realized I was talking to a mannequin.

 

Be a minimalist.  It’s the least you can do.

 

I have a friend who thinks the English Channel is a cable station for Brits.

 

Me: Alexa, remind me to go to the gym.

Alexa: I have added gin to your shopping list.

Me: Close enough.

 

The judge shouted ‘Order’. 

So I said, “Pizza and beer.

The nice policeman is taking outside.  I think we are going to a restaurant.

 

Two blonds locked their keys in their car.

The one blonde says to the other, “What do we do? Do we get a coat hanger and pick the lock?”

The other one replied, “No, people will think we’re trying to break in.”

The other one said, “Well, do we get a knife and cut the rubber and pop the lock?”

The other one answered, “No, people will think we’re too stupid to use the coat hanger.”

The other one said, “Well, we better think of something quick because it’s starting to rain and the sunroof is open.”

I will finish with a couple of leftover husband and wife war jokes.

“I can’t believe you been visiting prostitutes for sex!” screamed the wife.

“You can hardly blame me,” responded the husband.  “I wasn’t getting any here.”

“That’s your fault,” she said, “You never told me you would pay for it.”

~~~~

A man left for work one Friday morning.

Instead of going home after work, he stayed out the entire weekend playing cards with the boys and spending all his wages. When he finally got home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife. After a while she stopped nagging and said, “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?”

“That would be fine with me”, he replied.

Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same result.

Thursday, the swelling went down just enough for him to see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

 

 

Valentine JOW #1169

 Valentine’s Day will soon be upon us to the consternation of all men with romantic partners.  Valentine’s Day is in honor of St. Valentine, or as he is sometimes called, St. Hallmark, is the patron saint of chocolate and flowers.  I don’t like the holiday.  All those fat babies with wings carrying bows and arrows are creepy.  In recognition of the holiday, my jokes this week are about the relationship dynamics of the men and women.

~~~~~

Hopeful man, “Are you free tonight?”

Honest woman: “No, I’m expensive.”

 

Ladies – Not having a rich father is not your fault.  Not having a rich father in law is.

 

Sex is not the answer.  Sex is the question.  ‘Yes’ is the answer.

 

I am thinking about re-marrying my ex-wife.  But I am pretty sure she’ll figure out I’m just after my money.

 

I watched the video of my wedding backward.  I almost cried when I took the ring back, gave her back to her father, and moonwalked right out of the church to freedom.

 

I googled “Rorschach test.”

But for some reason, all that came up were pictures of my wife and myself fighting.

 

You can’t make someone love you.   All you can do is stalk them and hope for the best.

 

Overheard at the grocery store.  “The best things about the Super Bowl are the food and commercials.  I don’t even care who makes the most baskets.

 

I want a girl who likes long romantic walks; because I don’t have a car or any money

 

My wife and I had this long argument about the appropriate shoes to wear when gardening.

But she kept digging in her heels.

 

My girlfriend asked me to take the spider out instead of killing it.  We went out and had some drinks.  She is really nice.  Wants to be a web developer.

 

Doctor – “Well, the good news is that you are going to be able to see your wife again.”

Elderly patient – “But my wife has been dead for five years.”

Doctor – “Exactly.”

 

An old lady rubbed an old lamp and released a genie.  He offered her the traditional three wishes.

She says, "I want to be young again."
\*poof\*
She's young again.
"I want my little house to be turned into a beautiful mansion."
\*poof\*
She's now living in a beautiful mansion.
"I want my cat who loves me so to be turned into a handsome young man!"
\*poof\*
Her cat is now a handsome young man.
"Oh cat, all my fantasies have come true! Take me in your arms, take me upstairs and make mad, passionate love to me!"
The cat says, "Oh darling, you should've thought about that a long time ago, when you had me fixed.”

 

Tor sent me some poems from Ogden Nash.  Here are a few more or less romantic ones:

The Perfect Husband

He tells you when you've got on
    too much lipstick
And helps you with your girdle
    when your hips stick.

~~~

A Word to Husbands

To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up.

****

A crusader's wife slipped from the garrison,
And had an affair with a Saracen;
She was not over-sexed,
Or jealous or vexed,
She just wanted to make a comparison.

====

I give you now Professor Twist,
A conscientious scientist,
Trustees exclaimed, "He never bungles!"
And sent him off to distant jungles.
Camped on a tropic riverside,
One day he missed his loving bride.
She had, the guide informed him later,
Been eaten by an alligator.
Professor Twist could not but smile.
"You mean," he said, "a crocodile."

++++

Reflections On Ice Breaking

Candy
Is dandy
But liquor
Is quicker

 

And finally, a story of desperate love:

A burglar breaks into a home and holds the man and woman in it hostage. At gunpoint, he forces the two to sit on chairs facing the opposite way, back to each other, and ties them to the chairs. The burglar slowly and methodically begins stealing from the house.
When the burglar has taken everything of value, he gets ready to leave, the homeowners still bound to their chairs, when suddenly, the man yells at the burglar,
"Please untie her, please, let her go!"
The thief responds with,
"No, I'm not untying either of you so that the authorities get notified as late as possible. Don't worry, your neighbors will soon wonder why your lights are still on throughout the night and check in on you long before you succumb to dehydration"
The man yet again pleads,
"Please, just untie her, I'll do anything!"
The burglar once again explains his reasoning,
"I need to get away with this crime, I'm sorry, I can't leave anything up to chance."
The man shuffles his chair towards the burglar, in a state of mania, exclaims,
"I'm begging you man, just let her go, she won't call the cops, I promise!"
The burglar, still unwilling to budge, did find it quite touching how much his hostage cared about his wife.
"Wow," he said "You must really love your wife to beg me to untie her so desperately"
"No," The man replied, in a state of frenzy "My wife will be home in 15 minutes"