A high pressure dome has settled in for an extended stay over Texas. That means the weathermen have nothing to do until it breaks. Like Hawaii they merely post up the same forecast every day: highs in the upper 90’s lows in the upper 70’s and very humid. We have lots of humidity here on the Gulf Coast. Humidity is the experience of looking for air and finding water. You can get soaked in sweat just going out to pick up the morning paper. Anyway, I have some hot jokes and a couple of religious ones that will probably earn me a few hot decades in Purgatory. But if they make you smile, it will be worth it.
First about the weather:
•If you see a heat wave, should you wave back?
•What's worse than raining cats and dogs? Hailing Taxis!
•And now, for your extended forecast: "Foooorrrcaaaasssstt"
Everybody knows about the Fujita Scale which measures the power of tornados. But nobody really knows what all those types of twisters do to COWS. So here is the MOOJITA Scale...
M0 Tornado - Cows in an open field are spun around parallel to the wind flow and become mildly annoyed.
M1 Tornado - Cows are tipped over and can't get up.
M2 Tornado - Cows begin rolling with the wind.
M3 Tornado - Cows tumble and bounce.
M4 Tornado - Cows are AIRBORNE.
M5 Tornado - S T E A K ! ! !
Questions from Don
Why do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Why do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
Why do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Why do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
Mary Ellen suggested this one
A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks, Religion?
The man says ‘Catholic.’
St Peter looks down his list and says - go to room 28 but be very quiet as you pass room 8
Another man arrives - Religion? ‘Baptist’.
Go to room 18 but be very quiet as you pass room 8.
A third man arrives at the gates. Religion? Jewish.
Go to room 11 but be very quiet as you pass room 8.
The man says, “I can understand there being different rooms for different religions, but why must I be quiet when I pass room 8?”
St. Peter says, "The Jehovah's Witnesses are in room 8, and they think they are the only ones here."
Which reminded me of this one from Mike
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment .They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.
Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, and has various bandages, goes first.
"Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week
to give him first communion and confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was on crutches.
In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the time praising Jesus."
They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start.
Friday, June 19, 2009
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Downhill JOW
Ken and Donna provided me with these funny and uplifting jokes. Then we go down hill with one from Mary Ellen. I probably should have quit when I was ahead.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, 'Why is the bride dressed in white?''
The mother replied, 'Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.'
The child thought about this for a moment then said, 'So why is the groom wearing black?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, 'My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.'
The second boy says, 'That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.'
The third boy says, 'I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes four ushers to collect all the money!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote,
'They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.'
I can relate to this one.
A police recruit was asked during the exam, 'What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?'
He answered, 'Call for backup.'
Mary Ellen is to blame for this joke.
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.
0ne day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases.
It was a machine that John claimed was actually a flawless lie detector that could recognize when anyone told a lie.
It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.
‘Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?' asked John. 'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,' said Tommy.
“Bzzzz” went the lie detector.
'Son,' said John, This is a lie detector. Now tell us where you really were after school.'
'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.' said Tommy.
'What did you watch?' asked Marsha.
'The Ten Commandments.' answered Tommy.
“Bzzzz” when the lie detector.
With his lip quivering, Tommy said, 'I am sorry I lied.
We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'
'I am ashamed of you son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.'
“BZZZZ.”
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, 'Boy, did you ever ask for that one! Well, you can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!'
“BZZZZZZZ!”
Finally, this email warning came from a blonde friend who shall remain anonymous.
Subject: Tick Warning:
This could really save you!!
I hate it when people forward bogus warnings, and I have even done it myself a couple of times ... But this one is real, and it's important so please send this warning to everyone on your e-mail list:
If people come to your front door saying they are checking for ticks due to the warming weather and ask you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up, do not do it!! It is a scam!!
They only want to see you naked ... I wish I'd gotten this yesterday.
I feel so stupid.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, 'Why is the bride dressed in white?''
The mother replied, 'Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.'
The child thought about this for a moment then said, 'So why is the groom wearing black?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, 'My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.'
The second boy says, 'That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.'
The third boy says, 'I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes four ushers to collect all the money!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote,
'They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.'
I can relate to this one.
A police recruit was asked during the exam, 'What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?'
He answered, 'Call for backup.'
Mary Ellen is to blame for this joke.
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.
0ne day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases.
It was a machine that John claimed was actually a flawless lie detector that could recognize when anyone told a lie.
It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.
‘Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?' asked John. 'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,' said Tommy.
“Bzzzz” went the lie detector.
'Son,' said John, This is a lie detector. Now tell us where you really were after school.'
'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.' said Tommy.
'What did you watch?' asked Marsha.
'The Ten Commandments.' answered Tommy.
“Bzzzz” when the lie detector.
With his lip quivering, Tommy said, 'I am sorry I lied.
We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'
'I am ashamed of you son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.'
“BZZZZ.”
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, 'Boy, did you ever ask for that one! Well, you can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!'
“BZZZZZZZ!”
Finally, this email warning came from a blonde friend who shall remain anonymous.
Subject: Tick Warning:
This could really save you!!
I hate it when people forward bogus warnings, and I have even done it myself a couple of times ... But this one is real, and it's important so please send this warning to everyone on your e-mail list:
If people come to your front door saying they are checking for ticks due to the warming weather and ask you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up, do not do it!! It is a scam!!
They only want to see you naked ... I wish I'd gotten this yesterday.
I feel so stupid.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Cajun JOW
I was in New Orleans last week. Now that I am no longer working for HP, I may be spending more time there doing contract work. There are lots of good Cajun jokes. Things like “How do you know you are in a Cajun Zoo? There are two plaques by each of the animal enclosures. One describing the animal, one providing a recipe.
So here are a few “you might be” bits followed by a couple of Cajun jokes.
YOU MIGHT BE A CAJUN IF...
• Watching "Wild Kingdom" inspires you to write a cookbook.
• You won't eat a lobster because you think it's a crawfish on steroids
• You take a bite of 5-alarm Texas chili and reach for some Tabasco.
• You pass up a chance to meet the president to go to the Crawfish Festival in Breaux Bridge.
• You're asked to name the four seasons and you reply, "Onions, celery, bell peppers, and garlic."
• You let your coffee cool and find it has gelled.
• You describe a complete breakfast as some deer sausage and a yard of boudin.
• None of your favorite vacation spots are north of Abbeville.
• You sit down to eat boiled crawfish and someone says, "Don't eat the dead ones" and you know what they mean.
• You refer to Louisiana winters as "gumbo weather"
• You gave up Tabasco for Lent.
• You don't know the real names of your close friends - only their nicknames.
• Your high school's rendition of the national anthem begins with, "Jambalaya, crawfish pie, and a filet gumbo..."
=================
A Cajun discovered himself in Hell. He looked around awhile, then went to work shoveling brimstone.
The devil came up to him and said, "How you like it here, my friend? It's hard work and it's hot, yeah?"
The Cajun just smiled and answered, "It not so bad. The work is steady. I got no problem with steady work. And it ain't so hot. You think this is hot? Man, I'm from south Louisiana --- It hot there, my fren! This ain't nothing." He just laughed and went back to work singing and having a high old time.
Satan, being a former Texan, did not like Cajuns. He said to himself, "I'll get him. So he don't mind the hot, huh?" Satan waved a hand and the whole place was suddenly ice and snow, solid. And he said, "That'll fix dat fool!"
When he went back to check on the Cajun, he found him jumping up and yelling and laughing and clapping and dancing. So Satan said, "Man, what's wrong with you?!"
The Cajun smiled big and replied, "The Saints done won the Super Bowl!
=================
Boudreaux won $10 million in the Louisiana lottery last week. Bright and early the next morning, he got in his Country Cadillac, and drove all the way to Baton Rouge to collect his money. When he walked in, he told the lottery man, "Hey, I'm Boudreaux, the lottery winner, and I'm here to collect my money!"
The lottery man said, "Well, Mr. Boudreaux, it doesn't work like that. You can't have the whole amount at one time, but we will pay you half a million a year for the next twenty years."
Boudreaux, upset, told the man, "Mais, no, sha, I won the lottery and I want all my money right now. I don' want to wait for twenty years to get it !"
The man tried to calm Boudreaux down, telling him that's how the lottery works.
Boudreaux, really angry now, said, "Mais, if dats de way y'all wanta be, jus' never mind! Here's your damn ticket --- gimme my dollar back!"
Bil provided this ‘case study’
If you've ever worked for a boss that reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love this!
Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall.
The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.
He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, 'How much money do you make a week?'
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, 'I make $400 a week... Why?'
The CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, 'Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back.'
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, 'Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here? '
From across the room came a voice, 'Pizza delivery guy from Domino's.'
Some people are interested in anagrams. Here are a few “thought provokers”
ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER
DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE
HE MORSE CODE :
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME
So here are a few “you might be” bits followed by a couple of Cajun jokes.
YOU MIGHT BE A CAJUN IF...
• Watching "Wild Kingdom" inspires you to write a cookbook.
• You won't eat a lobster because you think it's a crawfish on steroids
• You take a bite of 5-alarm Texas chili and reach for some Tabasco.
• You pass up a chance to meet the president to go to the Crawfish Festival in Breaux Bridge.
• You're asked to name the four seasons and you reply, "Onions, celery, bell peppers, and garlic."
• You let your coffee cool and find it has gelled.
• You describe a complete breakfast as some deer sausage and a yard of boudin.
• None of your favorite vacation spots are north of Abbeville.
• You sit down to eat boiled crawfish and someone says, "Don't eat the dead ones" and you know what they mean.
• You refer to Louisiana winters as "gumbo weather"
• You gave up Tabasco for Lent.
• You don't know the real names of your close friends - only their nicknames.
• Your high school's rendition of the national anthem begins with, "Jambalaya, crawfish pie, and a filet gumbo..."
=================
A Cajun discovered himself in Hell. He looked around awhile, then went to work shoveling brimstone.
The devil came up to him and said, "How you like it here, my friend? It's hard work and it's hot, yeah?"
The Cajun just smiled and answered, "It not so bad. The work is steady. I got no problem with steady work. And it ain't so hot. You think this is hot? Man, I'm from south Louisiana --- It hot there, my fren! This ain't nothing." He just laughed and went back to work singing and having a high old time.
Satan, being a former Texan, did not like Cajuns. He said to himself, "I'll get him. So he don't mind the hot, huh?" Satan waved a hand and the whole place was suddenly ice and snow, solid. And he said, "That'll fix dat fool!"
When he went back to check on the Cajun, he found him jumping up and yelling and laughing and clapping and dancing. So Satan said, "Man, what's wrong with you?!"
The Cajun smiled big and replied, "The Saints done won the Super Bowl!
=================
Boudreaux won $10 million in the Louisiana lottery last week. Bright and early the next morning, he got in his Country Cadillac, and drove all the way to Baton Rouge to collect his money. When he walked in, he told the lottery man, "Hey, I'm Boudreaux, the lottery winner, and I'm here to collect my money!"
The lottery man said, "Well, Mr. Boudreaux, it doesn't work like that. You can't have the whole amount at one time, but we will pay you half a million a year for the next twenty years."
Boudreaux, upset, told the man, "Mais, no, sha, I won the lottery and I want all my money right now. I don' want to wait for twenty years to get it !"
The man tried to calm Boudreaux down, telling him that's how the lottery works.
Boudreaux, really angry now, said, "Mais, if dats de way y'all wanta be, jus' never mind! Here's your damn ticket --- gimme my dollar back!"
Bil provided this ‘case study’
If you've ever worked for a boss that reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love this!
Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall.
The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.
He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, 'How much money do you make a week?'
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, 'I make $400 a week... Why?'
The CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, 'Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back.'
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, 'Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here? '
From across the room came a voice, 'Pizza delivery guy from Domino's.'
Some people are interested in anagrams. Here are a few “thought provokers”
ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER
DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE
HE MORSE CODE :
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Shy Retiring JOW
Under the circumstances retirement is starting to be more and more interesting. I have a few retirement/old people jokes this week.
Martha passes on lots of good jokes. Here are a few
The retired astronaut opened an unsuccessful restaurant on the moon.
The food was great but there just was no atmosphere.
Youth looks ahead, old age looks back, and middle age looks tired.
An 85-year-old widow went on a date with a 90-year-old man.
When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset.
"What happened, Mom?" the daughter asked.
"I had to slap his face three times!"
"You mean he got fresh?" the concerned daughter asked.
"No," she answered. "I was afraid he had died!"
Hospitals have developed a new oral surgery technique for the poor.
The surgeon describes the operation he would perform if they could afford it.
Some Riddles
Why couldn't the chicken find her eggs?
She mislaid them.
Part of a tooth of a child has broken off. What do you suppose the tooth fairy gives for half a tooth?
Nothing. She wants the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.
What happened when the two tornados met and fell in love?
They had a whirlwind romance
What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?
A brick layer
What kind of electricity do they have in Washington?
D.C.
Mike provided this one.
An elderly gentleman had a serious hearing problem for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.
Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'
And finally, from Debbie
THE SENILITY PRAYER: Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Martha passes on lots of good jokes. Here are a few
The retired astronaut opened an unsuccessful restaurant on the moon.
The food was great but there just was no atmosphere.
Youth looks ahead, old age looks back, and middle age looks tired.
An 85-year-old widow went on a date with a 90-year-old man.
When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset.
"What happened, Mom?" the daughter asked.
"I had to slap his face three times!"
"You mean he got fresh?" the concerned daughter asked.
"No," she answered. "I was afraid he had died!"
Hospitals have developed a new oral surgery technique for the poor.
The surgeon describes the operation he would perform if they could afford it.
Some Riddles
Why couldn't the chicken find her eggs?
She mislaid them.
Part of a tooth of a child has broken off. What do you suppose the tooth fairy gives for half a tooth?
Nothing. She wants the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.
What happened when the two tornados met and fell in love?
They had a whirlwind romance
What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?
A brick layer
What kind of electricity do they have in Washington?
D.C.
Mike provided this one.
An elderly gentleman had a serious hearing problem for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.
Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'
And finally, from Debbie
THE SENILITY PRAYER: Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Economic JOW
As they say, a recession is when other people lose their jobs, a depression is when you lose yours. If so, then once again, the United States has entered a depression. I have become Cost Cut Casualty, or as they say in California, I am now Occupationally Challenged. It is not the end of the world; I will probably be able to find something to tide me over. After all, I do many things well; unfortunately none of them directly generate income. I have considered either charging a subscription for the JOW or perhaps charging people NOT to send them the JOW. I am still working on the specifics of the business plan for that one.
My jokes have an economic theme this week for obvious reasons.
During the waning days of communism in the Soviet Union, an inspector was charged with visiting local poultry farmers and inquiring about the amount of feed they were giving their chickens. Central planning was still in effect and each farmer was allocated 15 Rubles to spend on chicken feed.
One farmer very honestly answered that he spent five of the allocated 15 Rubles on chicken feed. The inspector took this to mean that the thieving farmer pocketed the other ten and promptly had him imprisoned.
Hearing of this through the rumor mill, the next farmer down the road insisted that he spent all 15 Rubles on food for the chickens. The inspector saw this as a case of budget padding and the farmer as a wasteful opportunist. He too was imprisoned.
The third farmer heard of both episodes and was more prepared for the inspector's arrival.
"How many of the 15 Rubles do you actually spend on chicken feed," asked the inspector.
Like a true nascent capitalist, the farmer threw his hands in the air and answered, "Hey! I give 15 Rubles to the chickens. They can eat whatever they want!"
Economics explained.
An experienced economist and not so experienced economist are walking down the road. They come across a pile of horse manure lying on the asphalt.
Experienced economist: "If you eat it I'll give you $20,000!"
The not so experienced economist runs his optimization problem and figures out he's better off eating it; he does and collects his money.
Continuing along the same road they come across another pile of horse manure.
The not so experienced economist: "Now, if YOU eat this I’ll give YOU $20,000."
After evaluating the proposal experienced economist eats it and collects the money.
They go on. The not so experienced economist starts thinking: "Listen, we both have the same amount of money we had before, but we both ate horse manure. I don't see us being better off."
The experienced economist replies "Well, that's true, but you overlooked the fact that we've been just involved in $40,000 of trade."
Another economist joke
Three leading economists took a small plane to the wilderness in northern Canada for their annual moose hunt. The last thing the pilot said was, ‘remember this is a small plane and you will only be able to bring ONE moose back’.
But of course, they all killed a moose. They argued about which economist should be have the right to bring home his moose. The three still had not come to an agreement when the plan arrived. They talked and talked until the pilot agreed to allow them bring all three dead moose onboard. Just after takeoff, the plane stalled and crashed. In the wreckage, one of the economists woke up, looked around and said.
“Hey, we are just about a hundred yards east of the place there we crashed last year.”
Finally, from Bil
Subject: Psychiatrists vs. Bartenders
Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a shrink and told him that I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears."
"How much do you charge?" I asked.
"Eighty dollars per visit," replied the doctor.
"I'll sleep on it," I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?" he asked.
"Well, eighty dollars a visit, three times a week, for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!"
"Is that so?" With a bit of an attitude he said, "And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now!"
My jokes have an economic theme this week for obvious reasons.
During the waning days of communism in the Soviet Union, an inspector was charged with visiting local poultry farmers and inquiring about the amount of feed they were giving their chickens. Central planning was still in effect and each farmer was allocated 15 Rubles to spend on chicken feed.
One farmer very honestly answered that he spent five of the allocated 15 Rubles on chicken feed. The inspector took this to mean that the thieving farmer pocketed the other ten and promptly had him imprisoned.
Hearing of this through the rumor mill, the next farmer down the road insisted that he spent all 15 Rubles on food for the chickens. The inspector saw this as a case of budget padding and the farmer as a wasteful opportunist. He too was imprisoned.
The third farmer heard of both episodes and was more prepared for the inspector's arrival.
"How many of the 15 Rubles do you actually spend on chicken feed," asked the inspector.
Like a true nascent capitalist, the farmer threw his hands in the air and answered, "Hey! I give 15 Rubles to the chickens. They can eat whatever they want!"
Economics explained.
An experienced economist and not so experienced economist are walking down the road. They come across a pile of horse manure lying on the asphalt.
Experienced economist: "If you eat it I'll give you $20,000!"
The not so experienced economist runs his optimization problem and figures out he's better off eating it; he does and collects his money.
Continuing along the same road they come across another pile of horse manure.
The not so experienced economist: "Now, if YOU eat this I’ll give YOU $20,000."
After evaluating the proposal experienced economist eats it and collects the money.
They go on. The not so experienced economist starts thinking: "Listen, we both have the same amount of money we had before, but we both ate horse manure. I don't see us being better off."
The experienced economist replies "Well, that's true, but you overlooked the fact that we've been just involved in $40,000 of trade."
Another economist joke
Three leading economists took a small plane to the wilderness in northern Canada for their annual moose hunt. The last thing the pilot said was, ‘remember this is a small plane and you will only be able to bring ONE moose back’.
But of course, they all killed a moose. They argued about which economist should be have the right to bring home his moose. The three still had not come to an agreement when the plan arrived. They talked and talked until the pilot agreed to allow them bring all three dead moose onboard. Just after takeoff, the plane stalled and crashed. In the wreckage, one of the economists woke up, looked around and said.
“Hey, we are just about a hundred yards east of the place there we crashed last year.”
Finally, from Bil
Subject: Psychiatrists vs. Bartenders
Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a shrink and told him that I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears."
"How much do you charge?" I asked.
"Eighty dollars per visit," replied the doctor.
"I'll sleep on it," I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?" he asked.
"Well, eighty dollars a visit, three times a week, for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!"
"Is that so?" With a bit of an attitude he said, "And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now!"
Friday, May 15, 2009
All Wet JOW
I have a request for some sailing humor. Well, there just aren’t that many jokes about sailing. But I do have some sailor jokes, fishing jokes, and of course, Pirate Jokes.
But before I go to my “humor” I just want to send out a health warning.
“Practice safe eating. Always use condiments.”
First, PIRATES! Arrgh!
A sailor meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns recounting their adventures at sea. Noting the pirate's peg-leg, hook, and eye patch The sailor asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies "We was caught in a monster storm off the cape and a giant wave swept me overboard. Just as they were pullin' me out, a school of sharks appeared and one of 'em bit me leg off".
"Blimey!" said the sailor. "What about the hook"?
"Ahhhh...", mused the pirate, "We were boardin' a trader ship, pistols blastin' and swords swingin' this way and that. In the fracas me hand got chopped off."
"Zounds!" remarked the sailor. "And how came ye by the eye patch"?
"A seagull droppin' fell into me eye", answered the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.
"Well..." said the pirate, "..it was me first day with the hook."
I changed this one to be a sailor vice a drunk, but there is such a fine distinction there.
A sailor who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The sailor's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes, the sailor turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."
"Well, I'll be damned," the sailor muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the seaman and apologized.
"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the pope does."
A fishing pun
Two fishermen were out on the lake when one of them dropped his wallet.
As they watched the wallet float down to the depths of the lake, a carp came along and snatched up the wallet.
Soon came another carp who stole it away and then a third joined in. Remarked one of the fisherman, "That's the first time I've ever seen carp-to-carp walleting."
Another fishing joke
A bum, who obviously has seen more than his share of hard times, approached a well dressed gentleman on the street.
"Hey, buddy, can you spare two dollars?" The well-dressed gentleman responds, "You are not going to spend it on liquor are you?" "No, sir, I don't drink," retorts the bum.
"You are not going to throw it away in some card game, are you?" asks the gentleman. "No way, I don't gamble," answers the bum. "
You wouldn't waste the money for fishing gear, flies, boots or rods, would you?" asks the man. "Never," says the bum, "I don't fish."
The man asks the bum if he would like to come home with him for a home cooked meal.
The bum accepts eagerly.
While they are heading for the man's house, the bum's curiosity gets the better of him. "Isn't your wife going to be angry when she sees a guy like me at your table?" "Probably," says the man, "but it will be worth it. I want her to see what happens to a guy who doesn't drink, fish or gamble''
But before I go to my “humor” I just want to send out a health warning.
“Practice safe eating. Always use condiments.”
First, PIRATES! Arrgh!
A sailor meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns recounting their adventures at sea. Noting the pirate's peg-leg, hook, and eye patch The sailor asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies "We was caught in a monster storm off the cape and a giant wave swept me overboard. Just as they were pullin' me out, a school of sharks appeared and one of 'em bit me leg off".
"Blimey!" said the sailor. "What about the hook"?
"Ahhhh...", mused the pirate, "We were boardin' a trader ship, pistols blastin' and swords swingin' this way and that. In the fracas me hand got chopped off."
"Zounds!" remarked the sailor. "And how came ye by the eye patch"?
"A seagull droppin' fell into me eye", answered the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.
"Well..." said the pirate, "..it was me first day with the hook."
I changed this one to be a sailor vice a drunk, but there is such a fine distinction there.
A sailor who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The sailor's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes, the sailor turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."
"Well, I'll be damned," the sailor muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the seaman and apologized.
"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the pope does."
A fishing pun
Two fishermen were out on the lake when one of them dropped his wallet.
As they watched the wallet float down to the depths of the lake, a carp came along and snatched up the wallet.
Soon came another carp who stole it away and then a third joined in. Remarked one of the fisherman, "That's the first time I've ever seen carp-to-carp walleting."
Another fishing joke
A bum, who obviously has seen more than his share of hard times, approached a well dressed gentleman on the street.
"Hey, buddy, can you spare two dollars?" The well-dressed gentleman responds, "You are not going to spend it on liquor are you?" "No, sir, I don't drink," retorts the bum.
"You are not going to throw it away in some card game, are you?" asks the gentleman. "No way, I don't gamble," answers the bum. "
You wouldn't waste the money for fishing gear, flies, boots or rods, would you?" asks the man. "Never," says the bum, "I don't fish."
The man asks the bum if he would like to come home with him for a home cooked meal.
The bum accepts eagerly.
While they are heading for the man's house, the bum's curiosity gets the better of him. "Isn't your wife going to be angry when she sees a guy like me at your table?" "Probably," says the man, "but it will be worth it. I want her to see what happens to a guy who doesn't drink, fish or gamble''
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Swine Flu JOW
I have had some pretty off beat and unexpected subjects for my JOWs─ economics, quantum physics, math, and elderly citizens. We haven’t had much humor about the swine flu. I guess it was not severe enough to live up to the media hype. There were some real possibilities there, though: Pigdemia, Aporkalypse, Hamocaust and Snoutbreak. Did we get any of those? Nope. Well at any rate here are all I could come up with for jokes about a deadly epidemic
They said that pigs would fly before the US elected a black man as president
They were wrong.
It was over 100 days before
Swine flu.
Possible symptoms of Swine Flu
Tears flow from your small eyes during a nightly bedtime reading of Three Little Pigs
A small curly tail is growing at the top of your tailbone
When called to dinner, you head directly to the trough in the backyard
You apply mud instead of suntan lotion on a sunny day
You develop a liking for truffles
At each meal you literally lick your plate clean
Fever accompanied by the smell of bacon
Here are some words of wisdom about avoiding getting the swine flu.
Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system. Walk, go for a swim, take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc. Wash your hands often. If you can’t wash them, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around. Wear a mask when out in public places and avoid going out in public as much as possible while the swine flu is spreading. Get lots of fresh air. Open windows whenever possible. Get plenty of rest. Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.
OR …. You can take another approach. Think about it, when you go to the doctor’s office for a shot, what do they do first? Clean your arm with alcohol.. Why? Because
alcohol kills germs. So…… I put on my mask, walk to the liquor store (exercise), I put lime in my Corona (fruit), celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies), drink on the bar patio (fresh air), tell jokes, and laugh (eliminate stress) and then pass out (rest). The way I see it, if you keep your alcohol levels up the flu germs can’t get you, and if it does, you won’t mind so much.
A contribution from Susan
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"
Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."
Al said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"
And finally, a joke from Mike
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."
They said that pigs would fly before the US elected a black man as president
They were wrong.
It was over 100 days before
Swine flu.
Possible symptoms of Swine Flu
Tears flow from your small eyes during a nightly bedtime reading of Three Little Pigs
A small curly tail is growing at the top of your tailbone
When called to dinner, you head directly to the trough in the backyard
You apply mud instead of suntan lotion on a sunny day
You develop a liking for truffles
At each meal you literally lick your plate clean
Fever accompanied by the smell of bacon
Here are some words of wisdom about avoiding getting the swine flu.
Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system. Walk, go for a swim, take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc. Wash your hands often. If you can’t wash them, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around. Wear a mask when out in public places and avoid going out in public as much as possible while the swine flu is spreading. Get lots of fresh air. Open windows whenever possible. Get plenty of rest. Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.
OR …. You can take another approach. Think about it, when you go to the doctor’s office for a shot, what do they do first? Clean your arm with alcohol.. Why? Because
alcohol kills germs. So…… I put on my mask, walk to the liquor store (exercise), I put lime in my Corona (fruit), celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies), drink on the bar patio (fresh air), tell jokes, and laugh (eliminate stress) and then pass out (rest). The way I see it, if you keep your alcohol levels up the flu germs can’t get you, and if it does, you won’t mind so much.
A contribution from Susan
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"
Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."
Al said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"
And finally, a joke from Mike
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."
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