Maxine - a - mum JOW #1083

 Dick sends me some good jokes.  His latest are from the cartoon character ‘Maxine’.  I had an aunt who was pretty much like Maxine.  Here are a few of her sayings:

 

·         Sure, marriage can be fun some of the time.  The trouble is that you’re married all the time

 

·         I believe everything happens for a reason. Usually that reason is that somebody screwed up.

 

·         Thanks to the internet you can get hopelessly in debt without ever leaving your house.

 

·         If there is a tourist season, how come we can’t shoot them?

 

·         If you need a shoulder to cry on, pull off to the side of the road.

 

·         Big surprise, even my blood type is negative.

 

·         The only way I’ll drop ten pounds is to go shopping in England.

 

·         Celebrate Ben Franklin’s birthday.  Go fly a kite.

 

·         I found an honest repair man.  He honestly doesn’t know how to fix anything.

 

·         Most of the people you see in lingerie stores you wouldn’t want to see in lingerie.

 

·         I’m picking out wine for the family dinner.  Which one goes with nuts?

 

·         Prices these days are like a pair of cheap underwear.  Every time you turn around it seems to creep up just a little.

 

·         I’ve got to start taking care of myself.  Whoever was supposed to be doing it has done a really crappy job.

 

 

Enough with Maxine. Here are a few more jokes.

 

Never judge a book by its cover.

Use the paragraph on the back, it tells you what the story is about.

`````

A gymnast walks into a bar.  She got a terrible score

^^^^

So I'm reading a horror story in braille

And I feel that something bad is going to happen

<<<< 

My daughter can't decide whether she wants to be a hairdresser or a short story writer...

I guess she'll have to flip a coin....
Heads or Tales.

>>>>> 

I wondered how all those North Koreans could march in such straight lines.  Then I remembered that they have a Supreme Ruler.

====

Whether glass coffins become popular - remains to be seen.

~~~~

I am reading a story about what happens if you line a grave with concrete...The plot thickens!

----------

 

A gangster sidled up to the owner of a deli and, looking at a smoked ham the owner had for sale said to him.

“That’s a nice ham you have there.  It would be a shame if somebody but an ‘S’ in front of it and an ‘E’ at the end.”

++++

I saw a story about how Itzhak Perlman and Kenny G discovered they'd been dating the same woman. An argument about it quickly degenerated into a full on brawl!!

That's the trouble with the news today, it’s all sax and violins.

 

Some longer jokes.

In Nova Scotia back in the day the roads were not very good and the fog was always very thick which made driving difficult for even the best drivers.
An older couple’s son got drunk, got into a fight and landed himself in jail. This was about an hour’s drive from where they lived. They got word of what happened and set out to pick him up. On their way home it got dark and the fog was ever so thick. The old man was not a good driver at the best of times and the conditions on this night drove his anxiety through the roof.
He had been following a larger vehicle for about 30 minutes with nowhere to pass and the leading vehicle was going quite slow.
Eventually the vehicle he was following stopped and just sat there. The old man in his angry voice said to his wife, “What in the name of God is that man doing stopped in the middle of the road?”

To which my grandmother replied, “Ephraim, the man has pulled into his driveway.”

---------------------

A gas station owner was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, “Free Sex with Every Fill-Up.”

Rob pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10, and said that if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. Rob said "today is my birthday, I’m feeling LUCKY and I guess 8".
The owner said, “You were very close, the lucky number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time.”
A week later, Rob, with his friend Marvin, pulled in for another fill-up. Again Rob asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. Rob guessed 2. The proprietor said, “Sorry, it was 3, you were very close, but no free sex this time.”
As they were driving away, Marvin said to Rob, “I think that game is rigged and he doesn’t really give away free sex at all.”
Rob replied, “No it’s genuine enough Marvin. My wife won twice last week.”

 

And finally

Back in the glory days of the Roman Republic, they had six Vestal Virgins who served the goddess Vesta. One year several died of a plague, and it was essential that the number be brought back up to 6 so the various rites could be performed, lest the Republic fall. So once the plague was over, riders were sent to the four directions, plus two, to find replacements who had been born at the same moment the old ones had died.
When the riders came back, they found that they had brought back one too many. The recruits drew straws, and the one with the short straw was free to go her way. But now here she was hundreds of miles—sorry, thousands of stadia—from home, with nothing to do.
Being an enterprising young lass, she started an olive oil company and grew it into the largest woman-owned business in the whole Republic. She sold only first-pressed, cold-pressed oil, and people loved it.

Needless to say she called her company "Extra Virgin Olive Oil."

Physic-ly Ill JOW #1082

 My physics classes let me know I would never understand Physics. To this day I think physics is branch of science concerned with using extremely long and complicated formulas to describe how a ball rolls.

  I did learn a couple of things in physics:

·         A responsible adult says ‘No” to non-Euclidian space. 

·         Matter can be neither created nor destroyed.  Nor can it be returned without a receipt.

Here are some jokes about physics and physicists.

 

A beginner’s guide to physics

Relativity: When the family gets together

Black holes: What you get in black socks

Critical mass: A big group of film reviewers

Hyperspace: Where you park at the superstore

>>>> 

Two Theoretical Physicists are lost in the mountains

Theoretical physicist No 1 pulls out a map and peruses it for a while. Then he turns to theoretical physicist No 2 and says: "Hey, I've figured it out. I know where we are."
"Where are we then?" 
"Do you see that mountain over there?" 
"Yes." 
"Well… THAT'S where we are."

<<<< 

There are a lot of jokes about Schrodinger and his thought experiment about a cat that might or might not be dead in an unobserved box.

All those Schrodinger’s Cat jokes have died out….. or have they?

 Veterinarian: “Dr. Schrodinger, I have good news and bad news about your cat.”

 

Then there is Heisenberg and his theory of uncertainty.

 

When Was Heisenberg Born?

Oh, that's very uncertain.

 

A cop stopped Heisenberg and asked him, “Do you know how fast you were going?”

He replied, “No, but I know where I am.”

 

Or the freshman who asked, “Is this the Heisenberg Department of Physics?”

“Probably.”

 

Einstein Developed A Theory About Space.

About time too!

^^^^^^

You enter the high school lab and see an experiment. How will you know which class is it?

·         If it’s green and wiggles, it’s biology.

·         If it stinks, it’s chemistry.

·         If it doesn’t work, it’s physics.

 

Be careful asking scientist why did the chicken cross the road?

Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.

Isaac Newton: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest, chickens in motion tend to cross roads.

Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends on your frame of reference.

Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast.

Wolfgang Pauli: There already was a chicken on this side of the road.

 

Physicist riddles

How Many Physicists Does It Take To Change A Lightbulb?

Eleven. One to do it and ten to co-author the paper.

 

What did the English nuclear physicist have for lunch?

Fission Chips

 

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Mobius Strip?

To get to the same side.

 

What do you call the group of physicists who name the tiny things inside the atom?

A Particle Board.

 

Why did Erwin Schrödinger, Paul Dirac and Wolfgang Pauli work in a really small garage?

Because they were quantum mechanics. 

 

Different scientific disciplines do things differently.

 

How to calculate the volume of a cat:

Engineer: Submerge the cat in a take of water and measure the rise of the water level.

Mathematician: Calculate the volume integral over its full body.

Physicist: Suppose the cat is spherical.

~~~~~~

A physicist, a biologist, and a chemist were going to the ocean for the first time. The physicist saw the ocean and was fascinated by the waves. He said he wanted to do some research on the fluid dynamics of the waves and walked into the ocean. He drowned and was swept out to sea.

The biologist said he wanted to do research on the flora and fauna inside the ocean and walked inside the ocean. He, too, never returned.

The chemist waited for a long time and afterwards, wrote the observation, “The physicist and the biologist are soluble in ocean water.”

````````````

A biologist, an engineer, and a mathematician were observing an empty building. They noted two people entering the building and sometime later observed three coming out.

The biologist remarked, “Oh, they must have reproduced.”

The engineer said, “Our initial count must have been incorrect.”

The mathematician stated, “Now if one more person goes into the building, it will be completely empty.”

<<<<<<< 

Fun scientific fact – you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water.

If it sinks, it’s a girl ant.

If it floats, it’s buoyant.

 

And finally, my off-topic joke

A lady was expecting the plumber. He was scheduled to come at 10 A.M. Ten o’clock came and went with no plumber. She concluded he wasn’t coming, and went out to do some errands. While she was out, the plumber arrived. He knocked on the door; the lady’s parrot, who was at home in a cage by the door, said, “Who is it?”

He replied, “It’s the plumber.”

He thought it was the lady who’d said, “Who is it?” and waited for her to come and let him in.

When this didn’t happen he knocked again, and again the parrot said, “Who is it?”

He said, “It’s the plumber!” He waited, and again the lady didn’t come to let him in.

He knocked again, and again the parrot said, “Who is it?”

He said, “It’s the plumber!” Again he waited and again she didn’t come. He knocked again and the parrot said, “Who is it?”

The plumber screamed, flew into a rage, and ripped the door off its hinges. He suffered a heart attack and fell dead in the doorway. The lady came home from her errands, only to see the door ripped off its hinges and a corpse lying in the doorway. “A dead body!” she exclaimed. “Who is it?”

The parrot said, “It’s the plumber.”

 

Soleful JOW #1081

 Ruth told me a joke about shoes this week that I had not heard before and that got me thinking about shoes as a subject of humor. 

Before I begin the shoe jokes I have a public service announcement: 

The CDC now recommends wearing a seatbelt even when you are not in the car.

Here are the shoe jokes

“One shoe can change your life” – Cinderella

(Of course, Life is not a fairy tale.  If you lose your shoe at midnight, you are probably drunk.)

 

“So can two shoes” – Dorothy of Oz

 

Four shoes can help you win the Kentucky Derby – Secretariat

+++++++++++

Both the Boots and the Sandals feel that the Shoes take too much of the Feet's attention, so they formed an alliance.
One day, a Boot with a cold met up with his Sandal friend. They chat a bit.
"But are you sure there are no shoes around here?" The Sandal asks worriedly.
"Of course. I will keep a lookout and tell you if I see one!" The Boot replies.
This made the sandal feel calmer. They continue talking, but suddenly the Boot cries:
"A shoe! A shoe!"
"What? What? Where?" The Sandal looks around frantically, but spots no shoes.
"Sorry, I was just sneezing," says the Boot.

_____

Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop.

The date stamped on the ticket showed that it was over eleven years old. They both laughed and tried to remember which of them might have forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes over a decade ago.
"Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop?" Arnold asked.
"Not very likely," his wife said.

"It's worth a try," Arnold said, pocketing the ticket.
He went downstairs, hopped into the car, and drove to the store. With a straight face, he handed the ticket to the man behind the counter. With a face just as straight, the man said, "Just a minute. I'll have to look for these." He disappeared into a dark corner at the back of the shop.
Two minutes later, the man called out, "Here they are!"
"No kidding?" Arnold called back. "That's terrific! Who would have thought they'd still be here after all this time."
The man came back to the counter, empty-handed. "They'll be ready Thursday," he said calmly

 

Shoe Riddles

·         What do you call expensive shoes?  Cashews.

·         What happens when you eat yeast and shoe polish?  Every morning you rise and shine

·         What kind of shoes does a spy wear? Sneakers.

·         What kind of shoes do mice wear? Squeakers.

·         What kind of shoes would an artist wear? Sketchers.

·         What kind of shoes do frogs wear? Open toad.

·         What’s the best kind of shoes to sneak around in?  Leather... They’re made of hide.

·         If humans go through reincarnation. What do shoes go through?  A reboot.

·         What do you call a dinosaur that wears boots and a cowboy hat? Tyrannosaurus Tex.

 

 

============

I saw a Homeless person pushing a trolley full of horse shoes, four leaf clovers and rabbit feet.

I thought to myself ‘he's really pushing his luck.’

>>>>> 

A man gets a job interview to be a blacksmith and the first question he's asked is if he's ever shoed a horse.

"No," said the man, "but I did tell a donkey to go away once."

<<<<<< 

A man goes to a petrol station to fill up his car. The first pump doesn't work, the second pump doesn't work and the third pump doesn't work, so he goes inside and asks the woman attendant if she has her pumps on.

"No," she says, "I'm wearing my Ugg boots today."

------

Son: "Daddy, can you put my shoes on?"

Dad: "I can try, but I don't think they'll fit me."

~~~~~

A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes.

'How do they feel?' asks the sales clerk.

'Well they feel a bit tight,' replies the man.

The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and at the man's feet. 'Try pulling the tongue out,' the clerk says.

'Well, theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth.

``````

A three-year old put his shoes on by himself. His mother noticed that the left was on the right and the right was on the left. She said, "Paul, your shoes are on the wrong feet."
He looked up at her and said, "No they're not, Mom. I KNOW they're my feet."

 

And finally, a non-shoe joke

There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They vowed that if either died, the other one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their death. Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car wreck. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later. At the séance, she called out, "John, John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?"
A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you."
Martha tearfully asked, "Oh John, what is it like where you are?"
"It's beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time."
"What do you do all day?" asked Martha.
"Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there's nothing but making love until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then make love again until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11 p.m."
Martha was somewhat taken aback. "Is that what heaven really is like?"
"Heaven? I'm not in heaven, Martha."
"Well, then, where are you?"
"I'm a rabbit in Arizona."

 

 

 

Open Wide JOW #1080

 I have had a lot of dental work over the years.  I pretty much know the drill by now.  Dentists have been the source of abuse over the years since 20<sup>th</sup> century dentistry could be ‘uncomfortable’, which is a word medical professionals use for ‘painful’.  Modern dentistry is vastly improved, but the old perceptions, and jokes, still linger on.  Here are a few jokes mostly centered on dentists and dentation.

But before I start on dentists I have include a joke I left off last week.  That JOW was about psychiatrists, the theme suggested by a joke sent from Dick.  I forgot to include the joke that gave me the theme.  Here it is:

Patient: “Doctor, I think I am falling in love with you.”

Psychiatrist: “That is totally inappropriate.  In fact, I shouldn't even be lying on the couch with you.”

^^^^^

A man and a woman are traveling on a train.
Woman: Every time you smile, I feel like inviting you to my place.
Man: Great! Are you single?
Woman: No. I’m a dentist.

~~~~

Patient: How much to have this tooth pulled?

Dentist: $100.00.

Patient: $100.00 for just a few minutes work?

Dentist: Well, I can extract it very slowly if you like.

 

They called him the king of the dentists because he specialized in crowns.

 

The Flossoraptor was a carnivorous dinosaur with impeccable dental hygiene

 

A group of nagging dentists discovered a new chemical element.  It’s called Flossphorus.

 

Dental riddles

·         What’s the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth-hurty.

 

·         Who has the most dangerous job in Transylvania?

Dracula's dentist.

 

·         Why does a dentist seem moody?
Because he always looks down in the mouth.

 

·         What does the dentist of the year get?

A little plaque.

 

·         What did the monster eat after he’d had his tooth taken out?
The dentist.

 

·         Why should you be nice to your dentist?
Because they have fillings too.

 

·         What do you call a dentist who can’t stop working on teeth?
An abscessive compulsive.

 

·         Why did the tree go to the dentist?
To get a root canal.

 

·         What did the tooth say to the departing dentist?
Fill me in when you get back.

 

·         Why did the dentist make a poor date for the manicurist?
They fought tooth and nail!

 

·         What game did the dentist play when he was a child?
Caps and robbers.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Open wider." requested the dentist, as he began his examination of the patient.
"Good God!" he said startled.
"You've got the biggest cavity I've ever seen - the biggest cavity I've ever seen."

"OK Doc!" replied the patient.
"I'm scared enough without you saying something like that twice."

"I didn't!" said the dentist. "That was the echo."

========

The dentist says my teeth are like a string of pearls.
Each one has a hole through it!

+++++++

A local dentist was arrested for dealing drugs.
To say I was surprised would be an understatement. I’ve been going to him for 10 years and never knew he was a dentist.

^^^^^^

Did you hear about the dentist who planted a garden?
A month later he was picking his teeth.

>>>>>> 

Has your tooth stopped hurting yet?
I don’t know; the dentist kept it.

<<<<<<< 

Left my comb at the dentist.
Now it’s a fine-toothed comb.

```````

The FBI just raided a local dentist office.
They are currently performing a cavity search.

--------

The dentist said that he could knock me out with gas, or he could use a big metallic rock.
I said ether/ore.

*****

Dentist: You need a crown.
Patient: Finally, someone who understands me.

>>>>>>> 

Father: Don’t you feel better now that you’ve gone to the dentist?
Son: Sure do… he wasn’t there.

<<<<< 

A man got kicked out of the dentist’s office for using all the nitrous oxide…
He got the last laugh, though.

 

And finally,

A posh restaurant was looking for a piano player. A friend of the manager, the owner of a nearby jazz club, had a recommendation: "You should give Stewart Campbell a ring. He's a bit eccentric, mind, but he's a genius."
Well, all artists have a bit of a peculiar side, the manager thinks. And sure enough, he calls him up and the next day Campbell shows up for an interview.
"I'm Stu," he says as he comes in, suit disheveled, hair unkempt, and reeking of booze. "You were looking for a piano player?"
"Err, yes, what you play?" the manager inquires.
"Anything," says Stu, "Anything at all so long as I wrote it meself."
"All... right -- can you do a little, say, smooth jazz?"
"Not a problem." Stu sits down at this stately old grand piano, and plays this most velvety, intricate but accessible piece.
As the last notes ring out, the manager is noticeably impressed. "That was great! What's it called?"
"Thoughts While Taking a Dump'," Stu answers.
"Oh...kay," the confused manager responds. "Well, how about something a bit more up tempo, maybe some crossover?"
And sure enough, without missing a beat he performs the funkiest, sultriest piece of music you ever heard.
"That's perfect!" the manager exclaims. "Does that have a title?"
"Yeah, this one's called ‘My gums are Bleeding’."
Now, the restaurant's manager finds Stu strange indeed, to say the least, but he's just so good, he has to hire him, on the one condition that he won't introduce his works.
And sure enough, the next day he's bringing the house down over dinner and the wait staff is flooded with guests sending him their compliments.   Suddenly he is struck with a bad and urgent case of diarrhea. Finally, he can't take it any longer and breaks off and rushes to the bathroom ease his pain. As soon as he is finished he rushes back and starts playing again right where he left off.
When the song has finished a woman asked Stu, "Excuse me, do you know you have a piece of toilet paper on your shoe?"
And Stu responds, "Know it? I WROTE it!"

The Incredible Shrinking JOW #1079

 I am uncertain how psychiatrists earned the term‘shrink’.  Once a standard feature of the intelligentsia, they have lately been supplanted lately by councilors and psychologists.  What is the difference between a psychiatrist and a psychologist? If you say to a psychiatrist “I hate my mother,” he will ask “Why do you say that?” while a psychologist will say “Thank you for sharing that with us.”  A psychiatrist is also someone who will listen to you as long as you don’t make sense. 

Here are some jokes about the tribe of shrinks.

I told my psychiatrist I'm thinking about suicide

He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.

>>>>>>>> 

Andy: “I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π.”
Psychiatrist: “Is it recurring?”
Andy: “Not as far as anyone can tell.”

<<<<<<< 

Why did the bicycle go to the psychiatrist?

It had cycle logical problems

````````

A naked guy walks into a psychiatrist's office...

"You gotta help me, doc," he tells the psychiatrist, "I think I'm going crazy!"
The psychiatrist looks him over and replies. "Well, I can clearly see your nuts."

~~~~~~~~~~

What’s the difference between a psychologist and a magician? A psychologist pulls habits out of rats!

+++++++++

How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.

……

A Psychiatrist is sitting in his office when his secretary comes in and says "Sir, there's a man here to see you who thinks he's a flock of crows. If you ask me we should just send him to the loony bin and be done with it."
And the psychiatrist replied "Doris! Are you asking me to commit a Murder!?"

A German joke

A man is treated by a psychiatrist because he thinks that he is a mouse. After some weeks of psychiatric counseling he is finally healed and understands that he isn't a mouse.
As the man in walks out of the psychiatrist’s office he sees a cat on the street and runs back to the psychiatrist and screams: "I'm scared! There's a cat on the street!"
The psychiatrist replies "I thought you know now, that you are not a mouse."
The man answers "Yes, I know that, but does the cat know this too?"

==========

A man goes to a psychiatrist and says "Doctor, you gotta help me, my wife thinks she's a piano..."

The doc replies, "Well, bring her in and I'll see what I can do."
The man says, "Are you nuts!? Do you know how much it costs to move a piano??"

 

Two psychologists meet at their twentieth college reunion. One of them looks like he just graduated, while the other psychologist looks old, worried and withered. The older looking one asks the other, “What’s your secret? Listening to other people’s problems every day, all day long, for years on end, has made an old man of me.”

The younger looking one replies, “Who listens?”

^^^^^

A man told his girlfriend he was seeing a psychiatrist.

Then she told him that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

>>>> 

A guy goes to a psychiatrist. “Doc, I keep having these alternating, recurring dreams. First I’m a teepee; then I’m a wigwam; then I’m a teepee; then I’m a wigwam. It’s driving me crazy. What’s wrong with me?”

The doctor replies: “It’s very simple. You’re two tents.”

------

What happens when a psychiatrist and a hooker spend the night together?
In the morning each of them says: “200 dollars, please.”

------

Patient: Doctor, I keep thinking that I’m a deck of cards!
Psychiatrist: Sit over there and I’ll deal with you later!

 

Receptionist: “Doctor, there is a man out her who wants an appointment.  He says he is invisible.”

Psychiatrist: “Tell him I can’t see him right now.”

=======

Patient: Doctor, I keep thinking I’m invisible.

Psychiatrist: What, Wait!…who said that?

A longer shrink joke

A man goes to the psychiatrist and says, "Doctor, my job is so stressful, I can't sleep, I think I'm depressed!
The psychiatrist listens and says, "Ah, yes, I have a prescription for that," and sends the man on his way.
A month later the man comes back and the doctor asks how he's doing. "Terrible," he says, "The medication made me sleep all the time and I lost my job! Now I'm anxious that my wife will leave me."
"I have a prescription for that," says the psychiatrist, and sends the man on his way.
A month later the man comes back and the doctor, again, asks how he's doing. "Terrible! I can't get an erection anymore and my wife left me, she's taking the house in the divorce. I'm so upset I can't eat."
"I have a prescription for that," says the psychiatrist, and sends the man on his way for a third time.
The man comes back a month later and the psychiatrist asks how he's doing. "Terrible! The medication made me gain weight and now I have diabetes! I can't afford the insulin- in fact I'm homeless now. I don't even have the money for this visit."
The psychiatrist listens intently and says, "Well, you are no longer stressed by your job, unable to sleep, worried about your marriage, or unable to eat. Isn't it nice to be cured?"

 

A woman went to the psychiatrist for a consult. "Doctor, I don't ever want to get married. I am an educated, independent woman and I am happy by myself. I don’t need a husband, but my parents insist I get married. What should I do?"
The psychiatrist: "You, no doubt, will achieve wonderful things in life. But at some point, some things will not occur as you expected. Some things will go wrong. Sometimes you fail. Sometimes your plans don't work. Sometimes your wishes won't come true. Who will you blame at that moment? Will you blame yourself?"
Woman: "No! Absolutely NOT!"
The psychiatrist: "YES. That's why you need a HUSBAND! "

And finally, on a different note.

At a suburban dinner party, a curvaceous blonde was the center of attraction. She stood in the middle of the room surrounded by almost every male in the place.
Finally, one woman turned to her husband and meowed, "I don't see what they see in her."
"I don't either," replied her husband as he started across the room. "I think I'll take a closer look."

 

 

Warning Notice JOW #1078

 We have all seen those warning notices on everything from tools to toilet paper.  Apparently common sense and self-reliance have become so rare that we have to explicitly warn people about the most ridiculous things.  The problem is, of course, that we have all become so inured to these warnings that we tend to disregard actually important warnings on things like pesticides.  These notices are all driven by well-meaning but stifling over-regulation and fear of litigation.  Some of these warnings might have been written by hyper-cautions attorneys, and some seem to be imported with dubious translations.  All of the following are actual warnings attached to a wide variety of products.

Warning: Do not read these jokes while operating machinery.

Dumb Warning Messages
“Warning: May contain nuts.” — On a package of peanuts.

“Do not eat.” — On a slip of paper in a stereo box, referring to the Styrofoam packing.

“Access hole only — not intended for use in lifting box.” — On the sides of a shipping carton, just above cut-out openings which one would assume were handholds.

“Warning: May cause drowsiness.” — On a bottle of Nytol, a brand of sleeping pills.

“Warning: Misuse may cause injury or death.” — Stamped on the metal barrel of a .22 caliber rifle.

“Do not use orally after using rectally.” — In the instructions for an electric thermometer.

“Turn off motor before using this product.” — On the packaging for a chain saw file, used to sharpen the cutting teeth on the chain.

“Do not stop the chain with your hands or genitals.” – On a Husqvarna chainsaw.  Who said Norwegians do not have a sense of humor.

“Not to be used as a personal flotation device.” — On a 6×10 inch inflatable picture frame.

“Do not put in mouth.” — On a box of bottle rockets.

“Please remove before driving.” — On the back of a cardboard windshield (for keeping the car from getting too hot when parked).

“Remove plastic before eating.” — On the wrapper of a Fruit Roll-Up snack.

“Not dishwasher safe.” — On a remote control for a TV.

“For lifting purposes only.” — On the box for a car jack.

“Do not put lit candles on phone.” — On the instructions for a cordless phone.

“Warning! This is not underwear! Do not attempt to put in pants.” — On the packaging for a wristwatch.

“This costume does not enable flight or super strength” -Product: Frankel's Costume Superman costumes

“Do not recharge, put in backwards, or use.” — On a battery.  (You can’t be too safe.)

Warning label on a letter opener: “Safety goggles recommended before use.”

“Not intended for highway usage”   - on a wheelbarrow.

“Remove child before folding.” on a baby stroller

“Remove child before washing.”   On some children’s clothing

”Do not put any person in this washer.” -Product: Huebsch Washing Machine

“Do not eat iPod Shuffle.” - Warning label on Apple’s website

“Warning label on a carpenter’s electric drill”: This product not intended for use as a dental drill.

 “This product is not intended for use as a dental drill.” - Product: Dremel rotary tool

“SPCS precision screwdriver set not to be inserted into penis” (with helpful illustration.)

Here are a few more warning labels

Warning label on a dishwasher: “Do not allow children to play in the dishwasher.”

Warning label on a box of rat poison: “Has been found to cause cancer in laboratory mice.”

Warning label on a hairdryer: “Do not use while sleeping.”

Warning label on a brass fishing hook: “Harmful if swallowed.”

Warning label on a can of pepper spray: “May irritate eyes.”

Warning label on a bar of soap: “Use like regular soap.”

Warning label on a takeout coffee cup: Avoid pouring on the crotch area.

And finally, a non-related joke.
A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.
"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it."
"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat."
The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt.
No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.
Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.
"Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner.
"No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze lawyer."

Cheery words of wisdom JOW 1077

 Words are wisdom are in short supply.  Not the words, the wisdom.  Instead of sharing wise sayings we tend to spout shallow memes.  My JOW starts with a few wise and amusing observations and then, predictably, goes downhill.  I do hope you enjoy them.

Woody sent me some words of wisdom from 1930’s comedian and social commentator Will Rodgers.

·         Never slap a man who is chewing tobacco

·         Never kick a cow chip on a hot day

·         There are two theories about arguing with a woman.  Neither one works.

·         Never drink upstream from the herd.

·         Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in

·         Good judgement comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgement.

The 80’s equivalent of Will Rodgers was Norm from the comedy show ‘Cheers’.  Every time Norm would enter the bar he would have an exchange with Woody the barkeep.  Here are some examples:

'What's shaking Norm?'
'All four cheeks & a couple of chins.'
'What's new Normie?'
'Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach & they're demanding beer.'

'What'd you like Normie?'
'A reason to live. Give me another beer.'

'What'll you have Normie?'
'Well, I'm in a gambling mood Sammy. I'll take a glass of whatever comes out of that tap.'
'Looks like beer, Norm.'
'Call me Mister Lucky.'

'Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?'
'Like a baby treats a diaper.'

'What's the story Mr. Peterson?'
'The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery. Let's cut to the happy ending.'

'Hey Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you.'
'I know; if she calls, I'm not here.'

'Beer, Norm?'
'Have I gotten that predictable? Good.'

'What's going on Mr. Peterson?'
'A flashing sign in my gut that says, 'Insert beer here.''

'Whatcha up to Norm?'
'My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall.'

'How's it going Mr. Peterson?'
'Poor.'
'I'm sorry to hear that.'
'No, I mean POUR!'

'How's life treating you Norm?'
'Like it caught me sleeping with its wife.'

‘How’s your wife, Norm?’
'Women. Can't live with 'em....pass the beer-nuts.'

'What's going down, Normie?'
'My butt cheeks on that bar stool.'

'Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?'
'Alright, but stop me at one....make that one-thirty.'

'What's the story Norm?'
'Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer.'

'What's going on Mr. Peterson?'
'The question is what's going IN, Mr. Peterson? A beer please, Woody.'

And my personal favorite:

'How's it going Mr. Peterson?'
'It's a dog eat dog world, Woody & I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear.'

There were some brands of popsicles that put jokes on the sticks.  Do they still do that?  Anyway, here are some Popsicle-style jokes. 

How does a thread get to school?
A spool bus.

Why did the man hold his shoe to his ear?
Because he liked sole music.

What crew mans a haunted ship?
A skeleton crew.

Where do dogs hate to shop?
The flea market.

Where do cows go for entertainment?
Moo-vies.

What do golfers love to drink?
A cup of tee.

Where do spaghetti and sauce go to dance?
A meatball.

What’s the hardest thing about learning to ride a bike?
The pavement!

How did the computer catch a fish?
With its internet.

Why can’t you play soccer with pigs?
They hog the ball.

What kind of pets does a band have?
Trumpets.

What event do spiders love to attend?
Webbings.

Where were pencils invented?
PENCIL-vania.

How do billboards talk?
Sign language.

What did Mr. & Mrs. Hamburger name their daughter?
Patty.

Why are frogs rarely angry?
They eat whatever bugs them.

Where does an elephant keep its suitcase?
In its trunk.

Enough with the observations.  Here are some non-sequitur jokes:

·         What do you call a joke that isn’t funny? A sentence.

·         Why did Katie break open her piggy bank? She ran out of money.

·         What’s the one thing in life you can actually always count on? A calculator.

·         What did one ant say to the other ant? Nothing, ants communicate by pheromones, not speech.

·         Back in 1980, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee. I’m telling you this now because there was no social media in the ‘80s.

·         If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it… Then my illegal logging company is a success.

·         How is a bar of soap the same as your dreams? They’re both amazing at slipping away.

·         I was shocked when I found out my toaster wasn’t waterproof.

·         What’s one thing you can do over and over again and not remember a single thing? Drinking alcohol.

·         How is a laser beam similar to a goldfish? Neither one can whistle.

·         I accused my husband of being too immature. Then he told me to get out of his fort.

·         You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

·         Do you want to know what always makes me smile? Face muscles.

·         You know what they say? Words.

·         What did the raccoon say to the other raccoon? Does my breath smell like garbage?

·         I broke my finger last week. On the other hand, I’m okay.

·         Learning how to collect trash wasn’t hard. I just picked it up as I went along.

·         Learn sign language. It’s very handy.

·         Why are friends a lot like snow? If you pee on them they disappear.

·         What do you call a pretty woman on the arm of a musician? A tattoo.

·         Humpty Dumpty had a great fall… And a pretty good spring and summer too.

·         What’s black and white and eats like a horse? A zebra.

And finally, a joke for Woody

A man was sun bathing at a nude beach. For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates.

A tipsy woman walked past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."
He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so ugly, it would lift itself."