Under the circumstances retirement is starting to be more and more interesting. I have a few retirement/old people jokes this week.
Martha passes on lots of good jokes. Here are a few
The retired astronaut opened an unsuccessful restaurant on the moon.
The food was great but there just was no atmosphere.
Youth looks ahead, old age looks back, and middle age looks tired.
An 85-year-old widow went on a date with a 90-year-old man.
When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset.
"What happened, Mom?" the daughter asked.
"I had to slap his face three times!"
"You mean he got fresh?" the concerned daughter asked.
"No," she answered. "I was afraid he had died!"
Hospitals have developed a new oral surgery technique for the poor.
The surgeon describes the operation he would perform if they could afford it.
Some Riddles
Why couldn't the chicken find her eggs?
She mislaid them.
Part of a tooth of a child has broken off. What do you suppose the tooth fairy gives for half a tooth?
Nothing. She wants the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.
What happened when the two tornados met and fell in love?
They had a whirlwind romance
What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?
A brick layer
What kind of electricity do they have in Washington?
D.C.
Mike provided this one.
An elderly gentleman had a serious hearing problem for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.
Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'
And finally, from Debbie
THE SENILITY PRAYER: Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Economic JOW
As they say, a recession is when other people lose their jobs, a depression is when you lose yours. If so, then once again, the United States has entered a depression. I have become Cost Cut Casualty, or as they say in California, I am now Occupationally Challenged. It is not the end of the world; I will probably be able to find something to tide me over. After all, I do many things well; unfortunately none of them directly generate income. I have considered either charging a subscription for the JOW or perhaps charging people NOT to send them the JOW. I am still working on the specifics of the business plan for that one.
My jokes have an economic theme this week for obvious reasons.
During the waning days of communism in the Soviet Union, an inspector was charged with visiting local poultry farmers and inquiring about the amount of feed they were giving their chickens. Central planning was still in effect and each farmer was allocated 15 Rubles to spend on chicken feed.
One farmer very honestly answered that he spent five of the allocated 15 Rubles on chicken feed. The inspector took this to mean that the thieving farmer pocketed the other ten and promptly had him imprisoned.
Hearing of this through the rumor mill, the next farmer down the road insisted that he spent all 15 Rubles on food for the chickens. The inspector saw this as a case of budget padding and the farmer as a wasteful opportunist. He too was imprisoned.
The third farmer heard of both episodes and was more prepared for the inspector's arrival.
"How many of the 15 Rubles do you actually spend on chicken feed," asked the inspector.
Like a true nascent capitalist, the farmer threw his hands in the air and answered, "Hey! I give 15 Rubles to the chickens. They can eat whatever they want!"
Economics explained.
An experienced economist and not so experienced economist are walking down the road. They come across a pile of horse manure lying on the asphalt.
Experienced economist: "If you eat it I'll give you $20,000!"
The not so experienced economist runs his optimization problem and figures out he's better off eating it; he does and collects his money.
Continuing along the same road they come across another pile of horse manure.
The not so experienced economist: "Now, if YOU eat this I’ll give YOU $20,000."
After evaluating the proposal experienced economist eats it and collects the money.
They go on. The not so experienced economist starts thinking: "Listen, we both have the same amount of money we had before, but we both ate horse manure. I don't see us being better off."
The experienced economist replies "Well, that's true, but you overlooked the fact that we've been just involved in $40,000 of trade."
Another economist joke
Three leading economists took a small plane to the wilderness in northern Canada for their annual moose hunt. The last thing the pilot said was, ‘remember this is a small plane and you will only be able to bring ONE moose back’.
But of course, they all killed a moose. They argued about which economist should be have the right to bring home his moose. The three still had not come to an agreement when the plan arrived. They talked and talked until the pilot agreed to allow them bring all three dead moose onboard. Just after takeoff, the plane stalled and crashed. In the wreckage, one of the economists woke up, looked around and said.
“Hey, we are just about a hundred yards east of the place there we crashed last year.”
Finally, from Bil
Subject: Psychiatrists vs. Bartenders
Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a shrink and told him that I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears."
"How much do you charge?" I asked.
"Eighty dollars per visit," replied the doctor.
"I'll sleep on it," I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?" he asked.
"Well, eighty dollars a visit, three times a week, for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!"
"Is that so?" With a bit of an attitude he said, "And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now!"
My jokes have an economic theme this week for obvious reasons.
During the waning days of communism in the Soviet Union, an inspector was charged with visiting local poultry farmers and inquiring about the amount of feed they were giving their chickens. Central planning was still in effect and each farmer was allocated 15 Rubles to spend on chicken feed.
One farmer very honestly answered that he spent five of the allocated 15 Rubles on chicken feed. The inspector took this to mean that the thieving farmer pocketed the other ten and promptly had him imprisoned.
Hearing of this through the rumor mill, the next farmer down the road insisted that he spent all 15 Rubles on food for the chickens. The inspector saw this as a case of budget padding and the farmer as a wasteful opportunist. He too was imprisoned.
The third farmer heard of both episodes and was more prepared for the inspector's arrival.
"How many of the 15 Rubles do you actually spend on chicken feed," asked the inspector.
Like a true nascent capitalist, the farmer threw his hands in the air and answered, "Hey! I give 15 Rubles to the chickens. They can eat whatever they want!"
Economics explained.
An experienced economist and not so experienced economist are walking down the road. They come across a pile of horse manure lying on the asphalt.
Experienced economist: "If you eat it I'll give you $20,000!"
The not so experienced economist runs his optimization problem and figures out he's better off eating it; he does and collects his money.
Continuing along the same road they come across another pile of horse manure.
The not so experienced economist: "Now, if YOU eat this I’ll give YOU $20,000."
After evaluating the proposal experienced economist eats it and collects the money.
They go on. The not so experienced economist starts thinking: "Listen, we both have the same amount of money we had before, but we both ate horse manure. I don't see us being better off."
The experienced economist replies "Well, that's true, but you overlooked the fact that we've been just involved in $40,000 of trade."
Another economist joke
Three leading economists took a small plane to the wilderness in northern Canada for their annual moose hunt. The last thing the pilot said was, ‘remember this is a small plane and you will only be able to bring ONE moose back’.
But of course, they all killed a moose. They argued about which economist should be have the right to bring home his moose. The three still had not come to an agreement when the plan arrived. They talked and talked until the pilot agreed to allow them bring all three dead moose onboard. Just after takeoff, the plane stalled and crashed. In the wreckage, one of the economists woke up, looked around and said.
“Hey, we are just about a hundred yards east of the place there we crashed last year.”
Finally, from Bil
Subject: Psychiatrists vs. Bartenders
Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a shrink and told him that I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears."
"How much do you charge?" I asked.
"Eighty dollars per visit," replied the doctor.
"I'll sleep on it," I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?" he asked.
"Well, eighty dollars a visit, three times a week, for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!"
"Is that so?" With a bit of an attitude he said, "And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now!"
Friday, May 15, 2009
All Wet JOW
I have a request for some sailing humor. Well, there just aren’t that many jokes about sailing. But I do have some sailor jokes, fishing jokes, and of course, Pirate Jokes.
But before I go to my “humor” I just want to send out a health warning.
“Practice safe eating. Always use condiments.”
First, PIRATES! Arrgh!
A sailor meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns recounting their adventures at sea. Noting the pirate's peg-leg, hook, and eye patch The sailor asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies "We was caught in a monster storm off the cape and a giant wave swept me overboard. Just as they were pullin' me out, a school of sharks appeared and one of 'em bit me leg off".
"Blimey!" said the sailor. "What about the hook"?
"Ahhhh...", mused the pirate, "We were boardin' a trader ship, pistols blastin' and swords swingin' this way and that. In the fracas me hand got chopped off."
"Zounds!" remarked the sailor. "And how came ye by the eye patch"?
"A seagull droppin' fell into me eye", answered the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.
"Well..." said the pirate, "..it was me first day with the hook."
I changed this one to be a sailor vice a drunk, but there is such a fine distinction there.
A sailor who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The sailor's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes, the sailor turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."
"Well, I'll be damned," the sailor muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the seaman and apologized.
"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the pope does."
A fishing pun
Two fishermen were out on the lake when one of them dropped his wallet.
As they watched the wallet float down to the depths of the lake, a carp came along and snatched up the wallet.
Soon came another carp who stole it away and then a third joined in. Remarked one of the fisherman, "That's the first time I've ever seen carp-to-carp walleting."
Another fishing joke
A bum, who obviously has seen more than his share of hard times, approached a well dressed gentleman on the street.
"Hey, buddy, can you spare two dollars?" The well-dressed gentleman responds, "You are not going to spend it on liquor are you?" "No, sir, I don't drink," retorts the bum.
"You are not going to throw it away in some card game, are you?" asks the gentleman. "No way, I don't gamble," answers the bum. "
You wouldn't waste the money for fishing gear, flies, boots or rods, would you?" asks the man. "Never," says the bum, "I don't fish."
The man asks the bum if he would like to come home with him for a home cooked meal.
The bum accepts eagerly.
While they are heading for the man's house, the bum's curiosity gets the better of him. "Isn't your wife going to be angry when she sees a guy like me at your table?" "Probably," says the man, "but it will be worth it. I want her to see what happens to a guy who doesn't drink, fish or gamble''
But before I go to my “humor” I just want to send out a health warning.
“Practice safe eating. Always use condiments.”
First, PIRATES! Arrgh!
A sailor meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns recounting their adventures at sea. Noting the pirate's peg-leg, hook, and eye patch The sailor asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies "We was caught in a monster storm off the cape and a giant wave swept me overboard. Just as they were pullin' me out, a school of sharks appeared and one of 'em bit me leg off".
"Blimey!" said the sailor. "What about the hook"?
"Ahhhh...", mused the pirate, "We were boardin' a trader ship, pistols blastin' and swords swingin' this way and that. In the fracas me hand got chopped off."
"Zounds!" remarked the sailor. "And how came ye by the eye patch"?
"A seagull droppin' fell into me eye", answered the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.
"Well..." said the pirate, "..it was me first day with the hook."
I changed this one to be a sailor vice a drunk, but there is such a fine distinction there.
A sailor who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The sailor's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes, the sailor turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."
"Well, I'll be damned," the sailor muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the seaman and apologized.
"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the pope does."
A fishing pun
Two fishermen were out on the lake when one of them dropped his wallet.
As they watched the wallet float down to the depths of the lake, a carp came along and snatched up the wallet.
Soon came another carp who stole it away and then a third joined in. Remarked one of the fisherman, "That's the first time I've ever seen carp-to-carp walleting."
Another fishing joke
A bum, who obviously has seen more than his share of hard times, approached a well dressed gentleman on the street.
"Hey, buddy, can you spare two dollars?" The well-dressed gentleman responds, "You are not going to spend it on liquor are you?" "No, sir, I don't drink," retorts the bum.
"You are not going to throw it away in some card game, are you?" asks the gentleman. "No way, I don't gamble," answers the bum. "
You wouldn't waste the money for fishing gear, flies, boots or rods, would you?" asks the man. "Never," says the bum, "I don't fish."
The man asks the bum if he would like to come home with him for a home cooked meal.
The bum accepts eagerly.
While they are heading for the man's house, the bum's curiosity gets the better of him. "Isn't your wife going to be angry when she sees a guy like me at your table?" "Probably," says the man, "but it will be worth it. I want her to see what happens to a guy who doesn't drink, fish or gamble''
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Swine Flu JOW
I have had some pretty off beat and unexpected subjects for my JOWs─ economics, quantum physics, math, and elderly citizens. We haven’t had much humor about the swine flu. I guess it was not severe enough to live up to the media hype. There were some real possibilities there, though: Pigdemia, Aporkalypse, Hamocaust and Snoutbreak. Did we get any of those? Nope. Well at any rate here are all I could come up with for jokes about a deadly epidemic
They said that pigs would fly before the US elected a black man as president
They were wrong.
It was over 100 days before
Swine flu.
Possible symptoms of Swine Flu
Tears flow from your small eyes during a nightly bedtime reading of Three Little Pigs
A small curly tail is growing at the top of your tailbone
When called to dinner, you head directly to the trough in the backyard
You apply mud instead of suntan lotion on a sunny day
You develop a liking for truffles
At each meal you literally lick your plate clean
Fever accompanied by the smell of bacon
Here are some words of wisdom about avoiding getting the swine flu.
Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system. Walk, go for a swim, take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc. Wash your hands often. If you can’t wash them, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around. Wear a mask when out in public places and avoid going out in public as much as possible while the swine flu is spreading. Get lots of fresh air. Open windows whenever possible. Get plenty of rest. Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.
OR …. You can take another approach. Think about it, when you go to the doctor’s office for a shot, what do they do first? Clean your arm with alcohol.. Why? Because
alcohol kills germs. So…… I put on my mask, walk to the liquor store (exercise), I put lime in my Corona (fruit), celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies), drink on the bar patio (fresh air), tell jokes, and laugh (eliminate stress) and then pass out (rest). The way I see it, if you keep your alcohol levels up the flu germs can’t get you, and if it does, you won’t mind so much.
A contribution from Susan
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"
Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."
Al said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"
And finally, a joke from Mike
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."
They said that pigs would fly before the US elected a black man as president
They were wrong.
It was over 100 days before
Swine flu.
Possible symptoms of Swine Flu
Tears flow from your small eyes during a nightly bedtime reading of Three Little Pigs
A small curly tail is growing at the top of your tailbone
When called to dinner, you head directly to the trough in the backyard
You apply mud instead of suntan lotion on a sunny day
You develop a liking for truffles
At each meal you literally lick your plate clean
Fever accompanied by the smell of bacon
Here are some words of wisdom about avoiding getting the swine flu.
Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system. Walk, go for a swim, take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc. Wash your hands often. If you can’t wash them, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around. Wear a mask when out in public places and avoid going out in public as much as possible while the swine flu is spreading. Get lots of fresh air. Open windows whenever possible. Get plenty of rest. Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.
OR …. You can take another approach. Think about it, when you go to the doctor’s office for a shot, what do they do first? Clean your arm with alcohol.. Why? Because
alcohol kills germs. So…… I put on my mask, walk to the liquor store (exercise), I put lime in my Corona (fruit), celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies), drink on the bar patio (fresh air), tell jokes, and laugh (eliminate stress) and then pass out (rest). The way I see it, if you keep your alcohol levels up the flu germs can’t get you, and if it does, you won’t mind so much.
A contribution from Susan
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"
Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."
Al said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"
And finally, a joke from Mike
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
All Wet JOW
We have had some rain here in the greater Houston area, and that means flooding. People continue to build in flood plains and pave over every square foot of land in the area, so it is pretty much expected. All this water reminded me of one of my favorite jokes.
A man was sitting on his front porch when it started to rain. The rain came down harder and harder and the man realized that it was a flood. So the flood waters were rising and when the water started to spill over the porch, the National Guard in a big truck comes by.
"Need any help?" they ask him.
But the man said, "Nope, the Lord will take care of me!"
A few hours later, the man was standing on a chair on his front porch and another rowboat comes by. The man in the boat yells, "Need any help?"
But the man smiles and says, "Nope, the Lord will take care of me!"
A few hours later, the man is on his roof and a helicopter comes by and the pilot inside yells, "Need any help?!"
But the man just says, "Nope! The Lord will take care of me!"
A few hours later, the flood gets to be too much for the man and he drowns.
When he enters Heaven, he asks the Lord, "Lord, why didn't you take care of me?"
The Lord says, "Well, I sent you the National Guard, a rowboat and a helicopter!"
A guy walks into the doctors office with a radish in one ear, an olive in the other, a cherry tomato in one nostril and some parsley in the other.
"I don't feel so good," he says to the doctor.
"Well," the doctor replied, "that's because you're not eating right."
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.
Tiffany’s favorite joke: If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
"I've always wanted to be somebody, but now I see that I should have been more specific." - Lily Tomlin
Every morning when I get up, I read the obituary page. If my name's not there, I shave. - George Burns
Wise words from Wayne Campbell in the movie Wayne's World: You know I thought I had mono once for an entire year--turned out I was just really bored.
There is one thing I would break up over, and that is if she catches me in bed with another woman. - Steve Martin on relationships
From Bil
"My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher." - Socrates (470-399 B.C.)
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." – Anonymous (Oh prudent man!)
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. – Same anonymous guy
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
Sam Kinison
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
A man was sitting on his front porch when it started to rain. The rain came down harder and harder and the man realized that it was a flood. So the flood waters were rising and when the water started to spill over the porch, the National Guard in a big truck comes by.
"Need any help?" they ask him.
But the man said, "Nope, the Lord will take care of me!"
A few hours later, the man was standing on a chair on his front porch and another rowboat comes by. The man in the boat yells, "Need any help?"
But the man smiles and says, "Nope, the Lord will take care of me!"
A few hours later, the man is on his roof and a helicopter comes by and the pilot inside yells, "Need any help?!"
But the man just says, "Nope! The Lord will take care of me!"
A few hours later, the flood gets to be too much for the man and he drowns.
When he enters Heaven, he asks the Lord, "Lord, why didn't you take care of me?"
The Lord says, "Well, I sent you the National Guard, a rowboat and a helicopter!"
A guy walks into the doctors office with a radish in one ear, an olive in the other, a cherry tomato in one nostril and some parsley in the other.
"I don't feel so good," he says to the doctor.
"Well," the doctor replied, "that's because you're not eating right."
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.
Tiffany’s favorite joke: If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
"I've always wanted to be somebody, but now I see that I should have been more specific." - Lily Tomlin
Every morning when I get up, I read the obituary page. If my name's not there, I shave. - George Burns
Wise words from Wayne Campbell in the movie Wayne's World: You know I thought I had mono once for an entire year--turned out I was just really bored.
There is one thing I would break up over, and that is if she catches me in bed with another woman. - Steve Martin on relationships
From Bil
"My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher." - Socrates (470-399 B.C.)
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." – Anonymous (Oh prudent man!)
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. – Same anonymous guy
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
Sam Kinison
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Republic of Texas JOW
Our esteemed Governor Rick Perry has hinted that perhaps Texas should secede from the Union. Right. Like that worked so well in 1861. His comments have absolutely nothing to do with trailing in polls for the current race for governor. When asked that since it was the only independent country to join the union, Texas has the right to secede from the United States, the State Attorney General responded, “What, are you nuts! That is the stupidest thing I have ever heard! Are you drunk? Of course not, you idiot!”
Oops, I have exceeded my sarcasm allowance by a wide margin. Should I call that a ‘sarchasm’?
Of course, Jay Leno was all over Rick’s hints about Texas withdrawing from the Union.
• We have a new border czar. His job is to make sure nobody sneaks into the United States from Texas.”
• “Rick Perry? Didn’t he used to be the lead singer of Journey?”
• And my favorite: “If Texas did secede from the union, then we could invade it for the oil.”
Then there are suggestions for a new ‘national motto’ of the New Republic of Texas
"Texas is for wackos."
"Get off our land!"
"Sunny beaches, rolling hills, armed nut jobs."
"Texas: illegally acquired; universally admired."
"Indulge your delusions of grandeur."
...and the number one new tourism slogan for the Republic of Texas:
"It really *is* a whole 'nother country!"
Or as the old joke has it─
The best thing about Texas is that it is the only state which can legally secede from the union.
The worst thing about Texas is that it hasn't.
Texas has more than its fair share of colorful politicians. Actually I think it has a plurality. The old Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis was colorful enough all by himself to fill the quota for most states.
ACTUAL TEXAS POLITICIAN QUOTES
1. "It just makes good sense to put all your eggs in one basket."
Texas Rep. Joe Salem speaking on an amendment requiring all revenues to go into the state treasury.
2. "Lemme give ya' a hypothetic."
Texas Rep. Renal Rosson.
3. "Ain't nothin' in the middle of the road but yellow stripes and dead armadillos."
Texas Agriculture Commissioner Jim Hightower.
4. "And now, will y'all stand and be recognized?"
Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis to a group of handicapped people in wheelchairs.
5. "Dallas salutes a person who can buy a piece of art, but not a person who can create one."
C. Greene.
6. "No thanks, once was enough."
Texas Governor Bill Clements, asked if he had been born again.
7. "Oh good. Now he'll be bi-ignorant."
Texas Agriculture Commissioner Jim Hightower when told that Texas Governor Bill Clements had been studying Spanish.
8. "I'd just make a little bit of money, I wouldn't make a whole lot."
Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis defending himself against the charge that he would personally profit from a bill he had introduced.
9. "Well, there never was a Bible in the room."
Texas Governor Bill Clements, asked about repeatedly lying about the SMU football scandal.
10. "I am filled with humidity."
Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis.
11. "If ignorance ever goes to $40 a barrel, I want drillin' rights on that man's head."
Texas Agriculture Commissioner Jim Hightower discussing President George Bush's policies.
12. "If it's dangerous to talk to yourself, it's probably even dicier to listen"
Texas Agriculture Commissioner Jim Hightower.
13. "I move we recess to go outside and throw up."
Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis during a budget hearing.
14. "This is a real competitive business."
A gas station owner, when asked to explain the rapid rise in gasoline prices when Kuwait was invaded.
15. "...idiots, imbeciles, aliens, the insane and women..."
Law standing in Texas until 1918 regulating who could not vote.
16. "It's the sediment of the House that we adjourn."
Texas House Speaker Wayne Clayton.
17. "Let's do this in one foul sweep."
Texas House Speaker Wayne Clayton.
18. "This is unparalyzed in the state's history."
Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis.
19. "I want to thank each and every one of you for having extinguished yourselves this session."
Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis.
20. "We'll run it up the flagpole and see who salutes that booger."
Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis.
21. "There's a lot of uncertainty that's not clear in my mind."
Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis.
22. "I can explain it for you, but I can't understand it for you."
Anon.
When I lived in New Mexico we always hated it when Texan came over to ski in ‘our’ mountains. They were all so loud and solvent. We said things like:
Poor New Mexico─ so far from heaven, so close to Texas
&
If God had wanted Texans to ski....
He would have given them a mountain.
or
He would have made BS white.
To which the Texans would reply
If God had wanted New Mexicans to ski, He would have given them money.
If God had not wanted Texans to ski, He wouldn't have given them New Mexico and Colorado.
• Texas: Where you can see farther and see less than any place on earth.
• Texas women are so beautiful because if a girl is not pretty by the time she is 12 they ship her off to Oklahoma.
• Of course, some Texans claim that Oklahoma is nothing more than an outlying province of Texas.
• To which Oklahomans reply that it is impossible to out lie a Texan.
You might be from Texas if:
- You know exactly what calf fries are, and eat them anyway. (if you don’t know, email me and I will explain they are only available on male calves.)
- When someone refers to the current season, you have no idea if they mean spring, summer, fall, winter or football.
- "Howdy" seems to be a normal way of greeting another adult, with no irony intended.
- You have used the phrase "fixin' to" during the last 12 months.
- Someone you know has used a football schedule to plan their wedding date.
- You save all your life for your dream vacation, and use it to go to the OU/Texas game.
- A tornado warning siren is your signal to go out in the yard and look for a funnel
Finally, an actual Texas joke; it is better if you try to do the accent.
A Texas farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce.
The attorney asked, "May I help you?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorce's."
The attorney said, "Well do you have any grounds?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres."
The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"
The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."
The attorney said, "No you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?"
The farmer said, "Yea I got a grudge, that's where I park my John
Deere."
The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays."
The exasperated attorney said, "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."
Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way."WHY DO
YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"
And the farmer replies, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."
Oops, I have exceeded my sarcasm allowance by a wide margin. Should I call that a ‘sarchasm’?
Of course, Jay Leno was all over Rick’s hints about Texas withdrawing from the Union.
• We have a new border czar. His job is to make sure nobody sneaks into the United States from Texas.”
• “Rick Perry? Didn’t he used to be the lead singer of Journey?”
• And my favorite: “If Texas did secede from the union, then we could invade it for the oil.”
Then there are suggestions for a new ‘national motto’ of the New Republic of Texas
"Texas is for wackos."
"Get off our land!"
"Sunny beaches, rolling hills, armed nut jobs."
"Texas: illegally acquired; universally admired."
"Indulge your delusions of grandeur."
...and the number one new tourism slogan for the Republic of Texas:
"It really *is* a whole 'nother country!"
Or as the old joke has it─
The best thing about Texas is that it is the only state which can legally secede from the union.
The worst thing about Texas is that it hasn't.
Texas has more than its fair share of colorful politicians. Actually I think it has a plurality. The old Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis was colorful enough all by himself to fill the quota for most states.
ACTUAL TEXAS POLITICIAN QUOTES
1. "It just makes good sense to put all your eggs in one basket."
Texas Rep. Joe Salem speaking on an amendment requiring all revenues to go into the state treasury.
2. "Lemme give ya' a hypothetic."
Texas Rep. Renal Rosson.
3. "Ain't nothin' in the middle of the road but yellow stripes and dead armadillos."
Texas Agriculture Commissioner Jim Hightower.
4. "And now, will y'all stand and be recognized?"
Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis to a group of handicapped people in wheelchairs.
5. "Dallas salutes a person who can buy a piece of art, but not a person who can create one."
C. Greene.
6. "No thanks, once was enough."
Texas Governor Bill Clements, asked if he had been born again.
7. "Oh good. Now he'll be bi-ignorant."
Texas Agriculture Commissioner Jim Hightower when told that Texas Governor Bill Clements had been studying Spanish.
8. "I'd just make a little bit of money, I wouldn't make a whole lot."
Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis defending himself against the charge that he would personally profit from a bill he had introduced.
9. "Well, there never was a Bible in the room."
Texas Governor Bill Clements, asked about repeatedly lying about the SMU football scandal.
10. "I am filled with humidity."
Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis.
11. "If ignorance ever goes to $40 a barrel, I want drillin' rights on that man's head."
Texas Agriculture Commissioner Jim Hightower discussing President George Bush's policies.
12. "If it's dangerous to talk to yourself, it's probably even dicier to listen"
Texas Agriculture Commissioner Jim Hightower.
13. "I move we recess to go outside and throw up."
Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis during a budget hearing.
14. "This is a real competitive business."
A gas station owner, when asked to explain the rapid rise in gasoline prices when Kuwait was invaded.
15. "...idiots, imbeciles, aliens, the insane and women..."
Law standing in Texas until 1918 regulating who could not vote.
16. "It's the sediment of the House that we adjourn."
Texas House Speaker Wayne Clayton.
17. "Let's do this in one foul sweep."
Texas House Speaker Wayne Clayton.
18. "This is unparalyzed in the state's history."
Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis.
19. "I want to thank each and every one of you for having extinguished yourselves this session."
Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis.
20. "We'll run it up the flagpole and see who salutes that booger."
Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis.
21. "There's a lot of uncertainty that's not clear in my mind."
Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis.
22. "I can explain it for you, but I can't understand it for you."
Anon.
When I lived in New Mexico we always hated it when Texan came over to ski in ‘our’ mountains. They were all so loud and solvent. We said things like:
Poor New Mexico─ so far from heaven, so close to Texas
&
If God had wanted Texans to ski....
He would have given them a mountain.
or
He would have made BS white.
To which the Texans would reply
If God had wanted New Mexicans to ski, He would have given them money.
If God had not wanted Texans to ski, He wouldn't have given them New Mexico and Colorado.
• Texas: Where you can see farther and see less than any place on earth.
• Texas women are so beautiful because if a girl is not pretty by the time she is 12 they ship her off to Oklahoma.
• Of course, some Texans claim that Oklahoma is nothing more than an outlying province of Texas.
• To which Oklahomans reply that it is impossible to out lie a Texan.
You might be from Texas if:
- You know exactly what calf fries are, and eat them anyway. (if you don’t know, email me and I will explain they are only available on male calves.)
- When someone refers to the current season, you have no idea if they mean spring, summer, fall, winter or football.
- "Howdy" seems to be a normal way of greeting another adult, with no irony intended.
- You have used the phrase "fixin' to" during the last 12 months.
- Someone you know has used a football schedule to plan their wedding date.
- You save all your life for your dream vacation, and use it to go to the OU/Texas game.
- A tornado warning siren is your signal to go out in the yard and look for a funnel
Finally, an actual Texas joke; it is better if you try to do the accent.
A Texas farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce.
The attorney asked, "May I help you?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorce's."
The attorney said, "Well do you have any grounds?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres."
The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"
The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."
The attorney said, "No you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?"
The farmer said, "Yea I got a grudge, that's where I park my John
Deere."
The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays."
The exasperated attorney said, "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."
Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way."WHY DO
YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"
And the farmer replies, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
I have a mixed bag of jokes this week. An Italian joke, a few Jewish/Buddhist bits of wisdom, and IT humor from Susan.
Mike offered this
The Italian Grandmother … or Jewish … depending on your accent
An Italian grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife:
"You comma to de front door of the apartmenta.
I am inna apartmenta 301.
There issa bigga panel at the front door. With you elbow you pusha button 301.
I will Buzza you in. Come inside. … The elevator is on the right.
Get ina the elevator and with you elbow you pusha 3.
When you get out, I'ma on the left.
With you elbow, hit my doorbell."
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow"?
“What . . . . . . . . You coming empty handed ?”
From Ruth – sayings from the Jewish Buddha
• Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?
• Drink tea and nourish life; with the first sip, joy; with the second sip, satisfaction; with the third sip, peace; with the fourth, a nice Danish.
• Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story.
• Accept misfortune as a blessing. Do not wish for perfect health, or a life without problems. What would you talk about?
• There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that?
• Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain nothingness. And then what do you have? Bupkis.
• The Tao does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides. The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others. The Tao is not Jewish.
• Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.
• Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your stillness be as a wooded glen. And sit up straight. You'll never meet the Buddha with such rounded shoulders.
• Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers. Each flower blossoms ten thousand times.
• Each blossom has ten thousand petals. You might want to see a specialist.
• Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions. Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.
• The Torah says, Love your neighbor as yourself. The Buddha says, “there is no self”. So ... maybe we're off the hook?
• If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?
Finally, Susan provided us with insights into IT.
Harold the Computer Guy
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Harold, the computer guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the
problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.
As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"
He replied, "It was an 'ID ten T' error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but I nonetheless inquired, "An ID ten T Error? What's that, in case I need to fix it again?"
Harold grinned. "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
"No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote it down.
I D 1 0 T
I used to like Harold...
Mike offered this
The Italian Grandmother … or Jewish … depending on your accent
An Italian grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife:
"You comma to de front door of the apartmenta.
I am inna apartmenta 301.
There issa bigga panel at the front door. With you elbow you pusha button 301.
I will Buzza you in. Come inside. … The elevator is on the right.
Get ina the elevator and with you elbow you pusha 3.
When you get out, I'ma on the left.
With you elbow, hit my doorbell."
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow"?
“What . . . . . . . . You coming empty handed ?”
From Ruth – sayings from the Jewish Buddha
• Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?
• Drink tea and nourish life; with the first sip, joy; with the second sip, satisfaction; with the third sip, peace; with the fourth, a nice Danish.
• Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story.
• Accept misfortune as a blessing. Do not wish for perfect health, or a life without problems. What would you talk about?
• There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that?
• Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain nothingness. And then what do you have? Bupkis.
• The Tao does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides. The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others. The Tao is not Jewish.
• Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.
• Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your stillness be as a wooded glen. And sit up straight. You'll never meet the Buddha with such rounded shoulders.
• Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers. Each flower blossoms ten thousand times.
• Each blossom has ten thousand petals. You might want to see a specialist.
• Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions. Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.
• The Torah says, Love your neighbor as yourself. The Buddha says, “there is no self”. So ... maybe we're off the hook?
• If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?
Finally, Susan provided us with insights into IT.
Harold the Computer Guy
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Harold, the computer guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the
problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.
As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"
He replied, "It was an 'ID ten T' error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but I nonetheless inquired, "An ID ten T Error? What's that, in case I need to fix it again?"
Harold grinned. "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
"No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote it down.
I D 1 0 T
I used to like Harold...
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