All Dad JoW #1125

As my poor children will attest, I love DAD Jokes. They are mostly short, bad puns and silly riddles. What’s the difference between a dad joke and a bad joke? The direction the first letter faces.  This week is exclusively composed of Dad Jokes.  Forgive me.

 

“Dad, I’m hungry!”

“Hello, hungry, I’m dad.”

 

What do you call a beehive without an exit? UnBeeLeaveable!

 

Why is the letter A like a flower? Because a “b” comes after it!

 

What did the guard shout when a pea broke out of prison? “Escapea!”

 

Bruce Lee was fast, but he had an even faster brother… Sudden Lee.

 

Do you wanna box for your leftovers? No, but I’ll wrestle you for them.

 

It hurts me to say this, but … I have a sore throat.

 

What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language.

 

What is the opposite of ladies fingers? Mentos

 

Finally my winter fat has gone… Now, I have spring rolls.

 

My new sweater had a problem with static so I returned it. They gave me a new one free of charge.

 

My son knocked a picture of himself off the shelf.
He looked devastated. I told him, “Don’t worry about it, champ. Pick yourself up”.

 

How does a squid go into battle? Well-Armed

 

What kind of tea is hard to swallow? Reality

 

I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now.

 

My teachers told me I’d never amount to much since I procrastinate so much. I told them, “Just you wait!”

 

Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest…that’s just how I roll.

 

What do you call a deer with no eyes? No-eye deer

What do you call a paralyzed deer with no eyes? Still no-eye deer

 

Why is dark spelled with a ‘k’ and not a ‘c’? Because you can’t ‘c’ in the dark!

 

What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates.

 

Why did Novak Djokovic pay for his flight to Australia with a MasterCard? Because his Visa didn’t work.

 

My doctor told me I’m going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear.

 

The best gift I ever received was a broken drum. You can’t beat that.

 

Who is the loneliest billionaire? Alone musk.

 

I’m really excited for the amateur autopsy club I just joined. Tuesday is open Mike night!

 

I can’t find my ‘Gone in 60 seconds’ DVD. It was here a minute ago.

 

Why does Waldo wear a striped shirt? Because he doesn’t want to be spotted.

 

I asked 10 people what LGTBQ stood for… I couldn’t get a straight answer!

 

Thinking of having my ashes stored in a glass urn. Remains to be seen.

 

My son got angry when I told him “Sky is the limit for you”.
He wants to be an astronaut.

 

I agree you should not be disrespectful to cheese… Who am I to dis-a-brie?

 

Did you hear about the cheese that’s been working out? Dude’s shredded

 

I used to hate facial hair…but then it grew on me.

 

My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.

 

Friend: “Bro, can you pass me that pamphlet?”
Me: “Brochure”

 

Whoever stole my depression medication: I hope you’re happy.

 

I’ve been thinking about taking up meditation. I figure it’s better than sitting around doing nothing.

 

I finally got around to watching that documentary on clocks. It was about time.

 

Her: I’m leaving. I am sick of you wearing a different shirt every half an hour.
Me: Wait. I can change.

 

I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar.

 

The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested. I hear they’re gonna give him a really tough sentence.

My therapist told me I have problems with verbalizing my emotions. I can’t say I’m surprised.

 

I gave up my seat to a blind person on the bus. That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.

 

What do you call a typo on a headstone? A grave mistake.

 

I named my dog “Five miles.” So that I could say, “I am going to walk 5 miles now.”

 

What group of people never get angry? Nomads.

 

How do you get a farm girl to like you? A tractor.

 

I wasn’t expecting to be diagnosed as color blind. It really came out of the purple.

 

The guy who stole my diary died yesterday. My thoughts are with his family.

 

How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? You will see one later and one in a while.

 

I’m an expert at picking leaves and heating them in water. It’s my special tea.

 

What do you say to your sister when she’s crying? Are you having a Crisis?

 

I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but graphing is where I draw the line.

 

My dad is so cheap that when he dies, he’s going to walk toward the light and turn it off

 

My father liked to say, “I’m bald because a good man always comes out on top.” Dad loved to make people laugh. At his funeral, the preacher said, “In his lifetime, this man told thousands of jokes, but they were always the same one.”

 

My wife is fed up of my constant Dad jokes, so I asked her, “How can I stop my addiction?”

Wife: whatever means necessary.

Me: No it doesn’t.

  

And finally, mercifully

When I was 12, my father told me a terrible story that had happened at the gas station that day. “I was pumping gas when I noticed this small dog licking up a puddle of gasoline off the ground,” he said. “All of a sudden, the poor thing started running around the car as fast as he could. He kept running and running until he finally just dropped to the ground right in front of me.” I gasped,

“Oh no. Was he dead?”

Dad shook his head. “No, he just ran out of gas.” 

 

 

Gassy JOW #1124

 I was gone last week on a Florida vacation.  I like to travel.  I got a big map for my wall and I'm going to put pins in all the places I've traveled to ... but first, I have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.

I drove our 2400 miles in the middle of the highest gas prices ever.  I did notice some changes.  When you put your credit card in a fuel pump it now asks for the make, model and year of your car, as well as your annual salary. After a brief wait, the message comes back: “Your loan has been approved. You may fill up.”

Here are a few jokes about the price of fuel.

 

I did get some gas on my trip for only $2.99. Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.

 

I never thought I would spend more money getting to COSTCO than I do shopping at COSTCO.

 

A sign on a gas pump read: “Why buy gasoline in small quantities? Get full tank on the weekly payment plan.”

 

Some stations had a slot for your credit card and one right next to it for your 401K.

 

There was a sign at one station that said, 'We take Visa, Mastercard, Discover Card, and American Express.' After I filled up they took my Visa, Master Card, my Discover Card, and my American Express.

 

Two bums were sitting on a park bench and one says: “I had it all…nice wife, a house in the ‘burbs, a luxury car…and then I went to the gas station for a fill-up.”

 

Chuck Norris doesn't worry about high gas prices.
His vehicles run on fear.

 

With the price of fuel, it might be cheaper to mail your car.

Yesterday I took my wife to a real expensive store where we can’t afford anything – just to dream a little – it was a gas station.

 

Lots of folks at a gas station the other day – no one buying anything, everyone was “just browsing.” I talked to one guy who was buying something for his wedding anniversary. At first he was going to get jewelry but then he said he had decided to really splurge for this anniversary and get a full tank of gas.

 

Gas costs so much a local station now has grief counselors on staff to help customers.

 

My wife and I are so excited.  Our loan was just approved!  We can get our tank of gas this afternoon!

 

Gas is more expensive than beer.  Drink, don’t drive.

 

The bright side of high gas prices is that you have an excuse now for not visiting in-laws.  “We’d love to come, honestly…but the money is really tight right now…maybe when gas is below $5 a gallon, OK?”

 

Why do gas prices end with 9/10 of a penny?

It just makes cents.

 

Chinese takeout: $11.77.

Price of gas to get there: $8.90.

Making it all the way home and realizing that you forgot one of the containers:

Riceless

 

Here are some jokes about travelling.

This and That are both on summer break.

That is heading to Florida. This has plans to travel somewhere, but he won't tell me where.  I have no idea where This is going

 

My wife and I can never agree on the holidays," he complains to the bartender. "I want to travel to exotic places and stay in 5-star hotels."

"That sounds fun. What does she want to do?" the bartender asks.

"She wants to come with me," the guy replies.

 

The food on the small aircraft wasn’t good…It was a little plane.

A couple of Russian jokes.

Why do soviet policemen travel in groups of three?

One to read, one to write, and one to keep an eye on the two intellectuals.

 

A KGB agent goes to a library and sees an old Jewish man reading a book.

“What are you reading, old man?” he asks.
“I'm learning Hebrew, comrade”, replies the old Jew.
The KGB agent asks, “What are you learning Hebrew for? You know it takes years to get a permission to travel to Israel? You will die before you get one.”
“I'm learning Hebrew for when I go to heaven so I can speak with Moses and Abraham”, replies the old man.
“How do you know you're going to heaven? What if you go to hell?” asks the KGB agent.
“I already speak Russian."

 

And finally a few ‘You might be a redneck’ jokes from Woody

·        You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

·        You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

·        You can’t get married to your sweetheart because there’s a law against it.

·        You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

·        The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

·        You’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

·        You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night

·        Your prom offered day care.

 

And finally, on a related note

 

Two good ol’ boys in a Mississippi trailer park were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer after getting off work at the local Nissan plant.

After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd,  “If’n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday & make love to your wife while you was off huntin’ and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?”

The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.

Finally, he says, “Well, I don’t know about kin, but it would make us even.”

 

Political JOW #1123

 

Today is Election Day, or rather primary day, which in my one-party county is essentially the same thing.  I am reluctant to make jokes about politicians – too many of them get elected.  However my friend, Dick sent me some stuff about PJ O’Rourke, a wonderful writer who recently passed away.   Armed with pithy one-liners and a slashing style, Mr. O’Rourke worked in the tradition of H.L. Mencken, targeting hypocrisy, pomposity and contradiction wherever he found it.  It’s fair to say that P.J.’s writing — or at least the style of biting satire that made him famous — simply wouldn’t fly today. Sometimes, it didn’t even fly then. 

Some examples:

“By loudly denouncing all bad things — war and hunger and date rape — liberals testify to their own terrific goodness.  It’s a kind of natural aristocracy, and the wonderful thing about this aristocracy is that you don’t have to be brave, smart, strong or even lucky to join it, you just have to be liberal.”

 

He closely identified with ordinary Americans. “We’re three-quarters grizzly bear and two-thirds car wreck and descended from a stock market crash on our mother’s side.” 

 

P.J. O'Rourke was in a group of correspondents who during the 1991 Gulf War wound up at a staging area where a young lieutenant told them that if there was a poison gas attack that night, they should reach for their gas masks before they shucked off their sleeping bags. ‘It's more important for you to breathe, she said, than to be fully clothed.’ P.J. told her, ‘you say that because you're young.’

Some of his observations.

“I have only one firm belief about the American political system, and that is this: God is a Republican and Santa Claus is a Democrat.”

 

 “The mystery of government is not how Washington works but how to make it stop.”

 

“When a government controls both the economic power of individuals and the coercive power of the state ... this violates a fundamental rule of happy living: Never let the people with all the money and the people with all the guns be the same people.”

 

“Your money does not cause my poverty. Refusal to believe this is at the bottom of most bad economic thinking.”

 

“If we want the whole world to be rich, we need to start loving wealth. In the difference between poverty and plenty, the problem is the poverty, not the difference. Wealth is good.”

 

“One of the annoying things about believing in free will and individual responsibility is the difficulty of finding somebody to blame your problems on. And when you do find somebody, it’s remarkable how often his picture turns up on your driver’s license.”

 

“It’s better to spend money like there’s no tomorrow than to spend tonight like there’s no money.”

 

 

 

‘Always read something that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.’

 

 “The collegiate idealists who fill the ranks of the environmental movement seem willing to do absolutely anything to save the biosphere, except take science courses and learn something about it.”

 

“Fretting about overpopulation, is a perfect guilt-free—indeed, sanctimonious—way for ‘progressives’ to be racists.”

 

“Many reporters, when they go to work in the nation’s capital, begin thinking of themselves as participants in the political process instead of glorified stenographers.”

 

“The good news is that, according to the leftist, the rich will pay for everything. The bad news is that, according to them, you’re rich.”

 

“If government were a product, selling it would be illegal.”

 

“Rich people don’t like to be in the military. The shoes are ugly, and the uniforms itch.”

 

“If you think health care is expensive now, wait until it’s free.”

 

“Politicians are always interested in people. Not that this is always a virtue. Fleas are interested in dogs.”

 

“The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crab grass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn’t work and then get elected and prove it.”

 

“Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys” 

 

Some other political jokes

Biden is really getting tough with Vladimir Putin. Biden’s started wearing a much more aggressive shade of beige. 

 

A frightened Russian goes to the secret police and says, “My talking parrot disappeared.”

“Why did you come here? Go to the regular police.”

“I will. I’m just here to tell you that I disagree with whatever that parrot is going to say.”

~~~~~~

We should have known communism was doomed from the beginning; there were all those red flags.

======

 

A politician was running for reelection; he was in a bar and paid for a woman’s drink. She thanked him but wondered why a stranger had bought her a beer.

“I’m running for mayor,” he told her, “and I want your vote.”

“You got it,” she said, grabbing her glass. “Anyone’s better than the jerk who’s in there now.

A few final short jokes

·         A politician will find an excuse to get out of anything except office.

·         The NSA: a government organization that actually listens to you!

·         What happens when you give a politician Viagra? He gets taller.

·         If con is the opposite of pro, then is Congress the opposite of progress?

 

Q: How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two: one to change it and another one to change it back again.

And in conclusion

On his deathbed, a lifelong Republican suddenly announced that he was switching to the Democrats.

“I can’t believe you’re doing this.” said his friend. “For your entire life you’re been a staunch Republican. Why would you want to become a Democrat now?”

“Because I’d rather it was one of them that dies than one of us.”

Numbers JOW #1122

 As I am sure you are aware, today is 22 February, or to put it another way, 22/2/22.  That is a lot of twos.  In fact today should be a ballerina because it has so many tutus. I have done a lot of jokes about words over the years, in fact I have even reposted some (foreshadowing alert), but I have not done any JOWs about numbers.  My number is up.  Here are some jokes about various numbers with a few math bits thrown in.

 

I have tried all my life multiplying really large numbers by zero.

That amounted to nothing.

 

You know what seems odd to me?

Numbers that aren’t divisible by two

 

A group of numbers were picking on 8 and he really h8'd it.

But when they pushed him over he felt infinitely worse.

 

How do you make seven even?

Just take away the ‘s’.

 

I don’t want to talk about 288 at all.  It’s just two gross.

 

Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?

He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.

 

The number 29 was murdered. The cops arrested all the numbers from 24 to 34.

But 31 was the prime suspect.

 

6 was afraid of 7 because 789. But why did 7 eat 9?

Because he needed 3 square meals a day.

 

So 6 was afraid of 7 because 789 but why was 10 scared?

Because 10 was in the middle of 911

 

I am so mad that I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500 in Roman numbers

IM LIVID

 

Pi (π) and i (square root of -1) are having a conversation.

i gets angry and shouts: "Will you just be rational for a second!!!"

pi (π) replies: "Oh get real."

 

The numbers 19 and 20 got into a fight.

21

 .......

The teacher asked one of her young students if he knew his numbers.

"Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me."

"Good. What comes after three?"

"Four," answers the boy.

"What comes after six?"

"Seven."

"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?"
"A jack," says the little boy.

`````````````````

A farmer got an idea for how to make money off his farm in the off-season. He had a huge property all bounded by a big, white fence end to end. Along that fence was an old country road where few people drove. He decided he would set up a Christmas light display.

It took him some time to gather all the lights necessary, but eventually through the sweat of his farmhands and an absurd number of extension cords, he was finished. When sunset came, the first car to come down that road got an amazing sight.
The entire fence was covered in lights! Fence post after fence post, crossbeam after crossbeam, it was the most dazzling, amazing collection of lights they'd ever seen! The driver immediately called his friends and family and told them to get out to the old country road and within hours, the traffic was backed up for a mile.
At the end of the display, he had a couple of farmhands waiting with donation buckets and sure enough, he raked in several hundred dollars that night. This went on for weeks only getting more and more popular and even despite the high electricity bill, he turned quite a profit on the display.
And so it went for the next few years. His light displays got more and more elaborate. They synced to music. They twinkled in time to the passing cars. There were LEDs and lasers, inflatable reindeer and glowing manger scenes, and everything in between. He started to notice, however, that the number of cars began to dwindle each night.
Whereas folks used to come from counties around to see the fence, the numbers grew smaller and smaller each night. At the end of the season, he'd seen maybe a tenth of the cars.
The months passed and November crept up again. The farmer headed down to the feed and hardware shop to gather a few necessary supplies for the display and couldn't help but overhear a couple of the customers talking.
"Yeah, it just ain't what it used to be. I mean, don't get me wrong, it were pretty and all when he got it started, but something 'bout it nowadays just ain't fresh."
"I know. I wish he'd do something different. Something original. Everybody's got them Christmas lights now."
This incensed the farmer. He spent hundreds of hours every season making something amazing for the world to see and they were treating it like so much manure from his barn. He would show them.
He raced back to his farm and he ripped out every single light from post after post. He tore out the inflatable Santa and knocked down the wise men. And when he was done, he meticulously strung the exact same red and green lights on every square foot of that fence. "I'll show them. They think they can take me for granted, we'll see how they like this boring mess."
The first night of the display, the visitors (small in number as they may have been), were astonished. Their phones lit up with dials to their friends and neighbors. Soon enough, the line of cars stretched back miles and miles, longer than it ever had in the heyday of the display.
The farmer shook his head while his farmhands stood agape at the traffic. "I don't believe it! How could this be so popular?" the lead farmhand asked the farmer.
"It's simple. Everybody says they want to see something original but what really gets them going is the same old post over and over again."

  

Down Under JOW #1121

 It has been a while since I emphasized national humor.  My friend Dick sent me some jokes from Australia which gave me this week’s theme.  Deciphering Aussie humor might not always be easy, but you’ve got to love the Australian way of always seeing the funny side of things. Yes Australian humor might be anti-authoritarian, more persistently offensive, obscene and aggressive than other cultures, but it is their way of dealing with hard times and difficult subjects.  Their humor may not be politically correct, perhaps that is why I like it.  Here ae some samples. -

These were posted on an Australian tourism website, and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humor (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins)

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown, and then just sit around watching them die.
__________________________________________________
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
__________________________________________________
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles. Take lots of water.

__________________________________________________

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

_______________________________________
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: Af - ri - ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Aust - ra - lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not . . . 
. . . . Oh, forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
__________________________________________________

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south, and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
_________________________________________________
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
__________________________________________________
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus - tri - a is that quaint little country bordering Ger - man - y, which is . . .
. . . Oh, forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
__________________________________________________
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
__________________________________________________
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.
_________________________________________________
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A - mer - ica, which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled, and make good pets.
__________________________________________________
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
__________________________________________________
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
_________________________________________________
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
_________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

 

As I said, Australian humor can be a little rough.  Some examples:

Shane aged 23.  'My Sheila's an angel'.
Bruce aged 59.  'You’re lucky mate, mine is still alive'.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three Aussie guys, Shane, Ricky and Jeff, were working on a high-rise building project
in Wagga Wagga.  Unfortunately, Shane falls off the scaffolding and is killed.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Ricky says, 'Someone should go and tell his wife.'
Jeff says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters.
Ricky says, 'Where did you get that, Jeff?'
'Shane's wife gave it to me.'

Ricky continues, 'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?'

'Well not exactly,' Jeff said. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "You must be Shane's widow".'
She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.'

And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Fosters you are.'

 

```````

Ricky decides to go back home to Melbourne so he calls Qantas Airlines to book
his flight.
The operator asks him, 'How many people are flying with you?'
Ricky replies, 'Strewth mate, how would I know.  It's your plane.'

+++++++++++++++

Ricky was getting drunk in the pub and ran out of money.  Ricky did not feel like going home and begged the publican for another drink. 'Com'on  Robbo, givuzzanaddabeerwillya? I'll pay you next week.....'
Robbie, the publican points out the window and says to Ricky, 'See that building across the road?'
'Yeah...' says Ricky, squinting'

‘Well, that is the Bank of Victoria, and I got a deal with them.'

'Deal? Wot deal?' mutters Ricky.

Robbie, ‘Well, Ricky, they don't sell beer, and I don't lend money.'

=========

A burglar broke was arrested after he had broken into Bruce’s house,  The next morning, Bruce went to the police station and asked to speak to the burglar who had broken into his house.

'You'll get your chance in court,' the desk Sergeant Kelly told him.

'I have to know how he got into the house without waking my wife,' pleaded Bruce. 'I've been trying to do that for years.'

******

Barry walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder.
The barmaid looks at the creature and asks the man what he calls it.   

'Tiny', answers Barry.
'Why's that?' enquires the barmaid.
'Because he's my newt'.  

 

 

 

Money, Money, Money JOW #1120

 I have a number of jokes about finance this week.   No particular reason; I have been collecting documents for tax season (oh, joy) and that is where my mind was wandering.  Trigger warning: This JOW contains ‘Knock Knock’ jokes.  

Japanese Banking Humor
Uncertainty has now hit Japan. In the last seven days, Origami bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up, and Bonsai Bank has announced plans to cut some of its branches.

Yesterday, it was also announced that Karaoke Bank will go up for sale and will likely go for a song, while shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended today after they crashed. While Samurai Bank is soldiering on after sharp cutbacks, 500 employees at Karate Bank got the chop. Finally, analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank, where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.

Some financial riddles:

Q: How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One of them lets the bulb drop, and the other one tries to sell it before it hits the floor.

Q: How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One of them lets the bulb drop, and the other one tries to sell it before it hits the floor.

Q: Why do the banks never fire their top accountants?
A: Because they always threaten to take a job as investigators with the IRS.

Q: What do you say to the investor who lost a lot of money?
A: "Don't be sad; your money isn't lost. It just belongs to someone else now..."

Q: What does the AAA-rating of a bank stand for?
A: The executive council consists of Academics, Analysts and the other A**holes.

Q: What is optimism?
A: When an investment banker irons five fresh shirts on Sunday

Who would have ever thought there would be Icelandic Bank jokes?
Q: What is the capitol of Iceland?
A: Oh, about $2.10 and sinking fast

Q: What do Icelandic banks and an Icelandic streaker have in common?
A: They both have frozen assets.

 

++++++

A man won a $5 million on the lottery and decided to donate a quarter of that to charity.  It was no big deal.  That still left him with $4,999,999.75.

------

A company selling safes has a new ad campaign:

"If your things get stolen, well it's not our vault."

 

I haven’t done many knock knock jokes lately.  Here are some money-related ones.

Knock! Knock!

Who is there?

Cash

Cash who?

No thank you, but I’ll take some almonds if you have any.

 

Knock! Knock!

Who is there?

Nicholas.

Nicholas who?

A Nicholas not worth much these days.

 

Knock! Knock!

Who is there?

Robin.

Robin who?

Robin' you. Hand over all your money.

 

Knock! Knock!

Who is there?

Hanover.

Hanover who?

Hanover all your money.

 

Knock! Knock!

Who is there?

Cash.

Cash who?

Cash me if you can.

 

Knock! Knock!

Who is there?

Yolande.

Yolande who?

Yolande me some money, I'll pay you back tomorrow.

 

Knock! Knock!

Who is there?

Iowa.

Iowa who?

Iowa you some money.

 

Knock! Knock!

Who is there?

Bellows.

Bellows who?

Bellows me money. Is he here?

 

Knock! Knock!

Who is there?

Celeste.

Celeste who?

Celeste time I'll be lending you money

 

An organic joke.
A woman called her husband during the day and asked him to pick up some organic vegetables for that night’s dinner on his way home.
The husband arrived at the store and began to search all over for organic vegetables before finally asking the produce guy where they were. The produce guy didn’t know what he was talking about, so the husband said: “These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with poisonous chemicals?”
To which the produce guy replied, “No, sir, you will have to do that yourself.”

~~~~~~

Remember, the word ‘organic’ is from the Greek root ‘organos’ which means ‘over-priced’.

======

A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach.
As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.
She tells her son, 'The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.'
The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.
She replies, 'The bigger they are, the dumber the man is'
Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play.
Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother,
'Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.'

And finally

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today."
The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me."
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink, too."
The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water."
"Coming up," says the bartender.
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says,
"I would like to buy you one, too."
The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water."
"Coming right up," the bartender says.
As he gives her the drink, he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"
The old woman replies, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor.
Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue."

 

Karen's JOW #1119

February Second is Groundhog Day, made famous by one of my favorite movies of the same name.  One of my favorite lines in the move: “Phil: What would you do if you were stuck in one place and every day was exactly the same, and nothing that you did mattered?

Ralph: That about sums it up for me.”

But I have a lot of jokes about Karens to use.  You know, the bossy white middle-aged women who are never satisfied and demand to speak to the manger.  That is Karen.  Also, the head of a Home Owner’s Association.  So I threw in some Karen jokes and a bit more filler to get to my self-imposed target of a thousand words.  Here you go:

================

A group of crows is called a murder. What do you call a group of Karens?

A migraine.  Either that or a Home Owners Association.

 

What kind of clothing do Karen’s wear?

A lawsuit.

 

What's a Karen's favorite band?

The police.

 

How do you measure the obnoxiousness of middle-aged white women?

In degrees Karenheit.

 

Why did Karen complain to the store manager about her photocopier?

She didn't like its tone.

 

Karen and Ruth used to hang out all the time but Karen was not caring enough so Ruth left her.

Now Karen is completely Ruthless.

 

Karen’s husband dies. After a few days, she starts missing him, so she buys an Ouija board and contacts him.
Karen: Honey, can you listen to me?
Husband: Yes
Karen: Is the afterlife better than your life on earth with me?
Husband: Yes
Karen: Nice. So how's heaven?
Husband: Who said I'm in heaven?

 

Why did Karen press CTRL + Alt + Delete?

She wanted the Task Manager.

 

What is a Karen called in Europe?

An American.

 

My friend usually complains about everything but lately she's gotten bored of it. I guess you could say that she's past the point of Karen.

 

A dyslexic Karen went to Bethlehem.

She asked to see the manger.

 

How many Karens does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They just sit around in the dark and bitch about it.

 

Two Karens are having lunch together

The waiter stops by and asks "Is anything okay?"

 

Karen: Doctor, I’ve not been feeling well lately.
Doctor: I’ve looked at your lab reports and I’m afraid I have some bad news.
Karen: Don’t give me this lab nonsense. I believe in homeopathic medicine, astrology, and healing crystals. All my life, they have never failed me. Now will you do things my way or do I need to see the manager?!?
Doctor: Sure, we’ll do things your way. No need to raise your temper. Why don’t we try an astrology based approach?
Karen: At last a sensible approach.
Doctor: So, what’s your star sign?
Karen: it’s cancer.
Doctor: Well what a coincidence.

A few mean jokes

Policeman:  I’m sorry but it looks like your wife was hit by a bus.

Man: I know, but she has a wonderful personality

 

My wife beamed at me with pride and said, “Wow! I never thought our son would go that far!“

I said, “This catapult is amazing! Go get our daughter.”

 

What does a vegan zombie like to eat? Graaains. 

 

I asked a friend if she was vegetarian because she really loved animals.

She responded, "No, I just really hate vegetables."

~~~~~~~~~~

What’s the difference between jam and jelly?

I have never been caught in a traffic jelly.

 

Finland have just closed their borders.

Which means no one can cross the finish line.

 

Autocorrect can go straight to he’ll. 

 

Blame Dick for this one:

Do you know why ants never get sick?  Because they have little anty-bodies

 

New emergency exit signs

In the case of fire, exit the building before tweeting about it.

 

Breaking news. 

Man Shot 200 times with an Upholstery Gun

Surgeons say he is now fully recovered

 

I j‌‌ust d‌‌iscovered t‌‌hat t‌‌he w‌‌ord “‌‌nothing” i‌‌s a‌‌ p‌‌alindrome…

Backwards i‌‌t s‌‌pells “‌‌gnihton”, w‌‌hich a‌‌lso m‌‌eans n‌‌othing.

 

Student: Are “well” and “actually” both single-syllable words?

Teacher: Well yes, but actually no.

 

 I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.

 

I asked a friend in Seattle what the difference was between a state like Washington and one like Florida. He shrugged. “Apples and oranges.”

 

I accidently sprayed deodorant in my mouth today.

Now when I talk I have this weird Axe scent.

 

To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money.

On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.

 

I called my wife and told her that I’ll pick up pizza and coke on the way back from work. But it seems she was not happy.

She still regrets letting me name the kids.

 

I’m sure my wife has been putting glue on my weapons collection.

She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns.

 

My wife has evil lessons with Satan every week.

I don’t know how much she charges.

 

My wife says the salads I make tend to be a bit on the dry side.

It’s definitely something that needs addressing.

 

I have 2 unwritten rules.

1.

2.

 

I went for a job interview today and the interviewer asked me, “What would you consider to be your main weaknesses and strengths?”

I said, “Well my main weakness would be my issues with reality - telling what’s real from what’s not.”

They then asked, “And your strengths?”

I said, “I’m Batman.”

`````````

The police officer stopped a miner on the way to his job.

I got three questions for you: Whose car in this?  Where are you going?  What are you going to do when you get there?

The miner, a man of few words answered all three questions.

“Mine.”