Lots of people like golf. I do not understand this as golf is a frustrating, expensive and time-consuming waste of time. Maybe if I played it a bit better I wouldn’t hate it so. However, it does offer more than the usual level of humor. Try looking up jokes about football, for example. Football fan jokes, yes, there are plenty, but not much about playing that game.
My jokes this week are all about the old game, one of the oldest pastimes known. Since the idea of enjoying golf is somewhat alien to me know, I will start with an alien/golf joke.
An alien spaceship hovered over a golf course and two aliens watched a solitary golfer in amazement. First the golfer duffed his tee shot, then he shanked his second into the rough, took three to get out onto the fairway, sliced the next shot into the bushes, and then took a putter to get it out on the fairway again.
The aliens decided that he must be doing some sort of weird ritual as they continued to observe the poor fellow.
The golfer skulled his next shot into a bunker by the green. He took several shots to get out of the bunker and finally on to the green. He putted several times until he finally got into the hole.
At this point, the other alien told his partner, "Wow, now he is in serious trouble, he’ll never get it out of that hole!"
Cousin Bil offered up these touching quotes on the subject of golf. He says they are old, but I have never heard of most of them.
These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow. ~ Sam Snead
I was three over. One over a house, one over a patio, and one over a swimming pool. ~ George Brett
Actually, the only time I ever took out a one-iron was to kill a tarantula. And I took a 7 to do that. ~ Jim Murray
The only sure rule in golf is – he who as the fastest cart never has to play a bad lie. ~ Mickey Mantle
Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you're not good at them. ~ Kevin Costner
I don't fear death, but I sure don't like those three-footers for par. ~ Chi Chi Rodriguez
After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye. ~ Chi Chi Rodriguez
The ball retriever is not long enough to get my putter out of the tree. ~ Brian Weis
Swing hard in case you hit it. ~ Dan Marino
My favorite shots are the practice swing and the conceded putt. The rest can never be mastered. ~ Lord Robertson
Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air. ~ Jack Benny
There is no similarity between golf and putting; they are two different games, one
played in the air, and the other on the ground. ~ Ben Hogan
Professional golf is the only sport where, if you win 20% of the time, you're the
best. ~ Jack Nicklaus
The uglier a man's legs are, the better he plays golf. It's almost a law. ~ H G Wells
I never pray on a golf course. Actually, the Lord answers my prayers everywhere except on the course. ~ Billy Graham
If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Bob Hope
While playing golf today I hit two good balls when I stepped on a rake.~ Henny Youngman
If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball. ~ Jack Lemmon
You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work. ~ Lee Trevino
I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced.
~ Lee Trevino
--------------------------------
Chuck was a popular member at the golf club, but he just finished up a terrible round of golf and wasn't in a mood to visit the clubhouse after walking off the 18th green. So he headed straight out to the parking lot and started changing his shoes.
Just as he was closing the trunk of his car, a police officer spotted him. The policeman, stern-faced, walked over to Chuck and asked, ""Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about thirty minutes ago?"
"Yes," Chuck replied, "yes I did. Is something wrong, officer?"
"Did you happen to hook your tee shot?" the policeman asked.
"Yes, I did," replied Chuck.
"Did your ball fly over the trees and off the course?" the policeman asked.
"Why, yes, it did," said Chuck. "Why are you asking me these questions?"
The police officer replied in a very serious and stern manner: "Your ball, sir, flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. That driver's car went out of control and spun into a guard rail, where five other cars hit it. Then a fire truck that was racing to a fire smashed into the pileup!"
The policeman's voice was rising with consternation. "The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down! All that because you hooked a tee shot!"
The policeman was red-faced, and he paused to catch his breath. "What do you think you should do about all this?" he finally asked Chuck.
Chuck was a sensitive man and an upstanding citizen. He thought it over for minute, then replied.
"Well, I think I'll try opening my stance a little."
In 1923, do you know who was:
* President of the largest steel company?
* President of the largest gas company?
* The greatest wheat speculator?
* President of the Bank of International Settlement?
* The Great Bear of Wall Street?
* President of the New York Stock Exchange?
* The winner of the US Open Golf Tournament?
These men should have been considered some of the world's most successful men. At least, they found the secret of making money. Now almost 80 years later, do you know what became of these men?
* Charles Schwab, president of the largest steel company, died a pauper.
* Edward Hopson, president of the largest gas company, went insane.
* Arthur Cooger, the greatest wheat speculator, died abroad, penniless.
* Cosabee Livermore, president of the BIS, shot himself
* The Great Bear of Wall Street, committed suicide
* Richard Whitney, NYSE president released from prison to die at home
* Gene Sarazen, on the other hand, played golf until he was 92 and died in 1999 at the age of 95, and was financially solvent at his death.
Conclusion: Stop worrying about business and start playing more golf!
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Airliner JOW
I have been flying back in forth between Houston and New Orleans a lot lately. Fortunately, ever since my friend Nancy took over FAA Flight Operations, things have been running seamlessly. Well, they are better at least. Mostly.
With airlines on my mind, I thought I would run by a few old airplane jokes by you all.
An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
A crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"
Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, "F*** you!"
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that too."
................
Southwest Airlines use to have more colorful flight attendants. I don’t think you could get away with some of these famous announcements.
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this aircraft..."
"Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more."
"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
............
My friend Steve used to be a Flight Engineer in the Air Force. They often are not given the credit they deserve. But it is best not to mess with them:
A Weather Recon crew had two enlisted personnel; it was their duty to secure all baggage. Some of the other crew members felt that meant we were to load their bags from wherever they dropped them. One such member learned how wrong that was when the plane landed in Alaska in the dead of winter. After searching, he asked the Flight Engineer where his bags were. The FE asked him where he had placed them. "Under the wing", was the reply. The FE walked to the door, looked out and said, "Well they're not there now!"
Finally an airplane crash joke.
While practicing auto-rotations during a military night training exercise, a Huey Cobra inadvertently landed on its tail rotor. The landing was so hard it broke off the tail boom. However, the chopper fortunately remained upright on its skids, and slid down the runway, doing 360s all the way.
As the Cobra slid past the tower, trailing a brilliant shower of sparks, this radio exchange took place:
Tower: "Sir, do you need any assistance?"
Cobra: "I don't know, Tower, we ain't done crashin' yet."
With airlines on my mind, I thought I would run by a few old airplane jokes by you all.
An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
A crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"
Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, "F*** you!"
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that too."
................
Southwest Airlines use to have more colorful flight attendants. I don’t think you could get away with some of these famous announcements.
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this aircraft..."
"Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more."
"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
............
My friend Steve used to be a Flight Engineer in the Air Force. They often are not given the credit they deserve. But it is best not to mess with them:
A Weather Recon crew had two enlisted personnel; it was their duty to secure all baggage. Some of the other crew members felt that meant we were to load their bags from wherever they dropped them. One such member learned how wrong that was when the plane landed in Alaska in the dead of winter. After searching, he asked the Flight Engineer where his bags were. The FE asked him where he had placed them. "Under the wing", was the reply. The FE walked to the door, looked out and said, "Well they're not there now!"
Finally an airplane crash joke.
While practicing auto-rotations during a military night training exercise, a Huey Cobra inadvertently landed on its tail rotor. The landing was so hard it broke off the tail boom. However, the chopper fortunately remained upright on its skids, and slid down the runway, doing 360s all the way.
As the Cobra slid past the tower, trailing a brilliant shower of sparks, this radio exchange took place:
Tower: "Sir, do you need any assistance?"
Cobra: "I don't know, Tower, we ain't done crashin' yet."
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Old Fashioned JOW
Mary Ellen has a friend who is a technophobe, a real neo-Luddite. Just because a person doesn’t care for computers doesn’t mean they have no sense of humor. Just look at Henny Youngman─ okay, maybe that is not such a good example. At any rate, he said plowing on relentlessly, I received a number of jokes via the MAIL! Yes, some JOW fodder provided in neatly typed slips of paper. Of course, I have used them once or twice before; that does not matter. What is important is that if someone is willing to take the time to write jokes down, and ME is willing to mail them to me, then by George, I am going to take the time to transcribe them and send them on to you.
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy and, with at bit of discussion and whispering, pick out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
“Son, how old are you?’ the man at the counter asked the older boy.
“Eight.”
“Do you know what these are used for?”
“Not exactly,” the boy replied. “They are not for me. They are for my brother. He’s five.”
The man raised his eyebrows.
“You see,” the boy explained, “we saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim, and ride a bike. Right now he can’t do either of those things.”
A blonde calls her boyfriend. “Please come over here and help me with this killer jigsaw puzzle. I can’t even figure out how to get started.”
“What is it supposed to be?” he asks.
“According to the picture on the box it is supposed to be a tiger.”
When her boyfriend arrives she show him where she has spread out all the pieces all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment and turns to her.
“First of all, no matter what we do, we are not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.” He takes her hand and continues, “I want you to relax. We can have a nice cup of tea. Then we can put all the Frosted Flakes back into the box.”
This is from Martha.
A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera.
He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding...
Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.
Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed.
He tried a fourth time with the same result.
He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace. There was no way he could get a ticket for speeding.
Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.
How you can tell the economy is in bad shape . .
* I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
* I went to buy a toaster oven and they gave me a bank.
* Hotwheels and Matchbox car companies are now trading higher than GM in the stock market.
* Obama met with small businesses - GE, Pfizer, Chrysler, Citigroup and GM, to discuss the Stimulus Package.
* McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
* The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.
* Motel Six won't leave the lights on.
* The Mafia is laying off judges.
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy and, with at bit of discussion and whispering, pick out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
“Son, how old are you?’ the man at the counter asked the older boy.
“Eight.”
“Do you know what these are used for?”
“Not exactly,” the boy replied. “They are not for me. They are for my brother. He’s five.”
The man raised his eyebrows.
“You see,” the boy explained, “we saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim, and ride a bike. Right now he can’t do either of those things.”
A blonde calls her boyfriend. “Please come over here and help me with this killer jigsaw puzzle. I can’t even figure out how to get started.”
“What is it supposed to be?” he asks.
“According to the picture on the box it is supposed to be a tiger.”
When her boyfriend arrives she show him where she has spread out all the pieces all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment and turns to her.
“First of all, no matter what we do, we are not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.” He takes her hand and continues, “I want you to relax. We can have a nice cup of tea. Then we can put all the Frosted Flakes back into the box.”
This is from Martha.
A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera.
He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding...
Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.
Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed.
He tried a fourth time with the same result.
He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace. There was no way he could get a ticket for speeding.
Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.
How you can tell the economy is in bad shape . .
* I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
* I went to buy a toaster oven and they gave me a bank.
* Hotwheels and Matchbox car companies are now trading higher than GM in the stock market.
* Obama met with small businesses - GE, Pfizer, Chrysler, Citigroup and GM, to discuss the Stimulus Package.
* McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
* The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.
* Motel Six won't leave the lights on.
* The Mafia is laying off judges.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Shaggy Old JOW
I have some old jokes this week. Are there any other kind? First, some advice about longevity: The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
Martha provided these tidbits for/about senior citizens.
Cremation - Think outside the box
I'm retired. I was tired yesterday and I'm tired again today.
When I was younger all I wanted was a nice BMW. Now don't care about the W.
I was taught to respect my elders. Now there is no one left to respect.
Food has replaced sex in my life and I can't even get into my own pants.
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
I am so old that:
I don't buy green bananas.
When I eat out the waiter wants me to pay for the meal in advance.
The snap crackle and pop in the morning isn't my Rice Krispies
I only buy the large type version of Alphabet soup.
Words to drink by:
In wine there is wisdom,
in beer there is freedom,
in water there is bacteria.
In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop..
However,
we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor)
because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Thus it is better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of crap.
Remember:
Water = Poop,
Wine = Health.
Here is a shaggy dog joke
A debt collector knocked on the door of a country family, that made their living weaving cloth.
"Is Jack home?" he asked the woman who answered the door.
"I'm sorry," the woman replied. "Jack's gone for cotton."
A few weeks later the collector tried again. "Is Jack here today?"
Once again the answer was "No, sir, I'm afraid he has gone for cotton."
When he returned for the third time and Jack was still nowhere to be seen, he complained, "I suppose Jack is gone for cotton again?"
"No," the woman answered solemnly, "Jack died yesterday."
Suspicious that he was being avoided, the collector decided to wait a week and investigate the cemetery himself. But sure enough, there was poor Jack's tombstone, with this inscription: ...
"Gone, But Not for Cotton."
Ever wonder where shaggy dog jokes come from?
A man answered his door to find a boy with a dog on a leash, who asked him,
“Are you the man who put in the ad about a lost dog?"
"Yes I did," the man replied.
Medium size?”
“Yes,” says the man.
“Light brown?”
“Yes.”
“Slight limp?”
“Yes.”
“Answers to Rex?”
“Yes.”
“Shaggy coat?”
The man peers at the dog and says, “Not that shaggy.”
Martha provided these tidbits for/about senior citizens.
Cremation - Think outside the box
I'm retired. I was tired yesterday and I'm tired again today.
When I was younger all I wanted was a nice BMW. Now don't care about the W.
I was taught to respect my elders. Now there is no one left to respect.
Food has replaced sex in my life and I can't even get into my own pants.
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
I am so old that:
I don't buy green bananas.
When I eat out the waiter wants me to pay for the meal in advance.
The snap crackle and pop in the morning isn't my Rice Krispies
I only buy the large type version of Alphabet soup.
Words to drink by:
In wine there is wisdom,
in beer there is freedom,
in water there is bacteria.
In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop..
However,
we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor)
because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Thus it is better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of crap.
Remember:
Water = Poop,
Wine = Health.
Here is a shaggy dog joke
A debt collector knocked on the door of a country family, that made their living weaving cloth.
"Is Jack home?" he asked the woman who answered the door.
"I'm sorry," the woman replied. "Jack's gone for cotton."
A few weeks later the collector tried again. "Is Jack here today?"
Once again the answer was "No, sir, I'm afraid he has gone for cotton."
When he returned for the third time and Jack was still nowhere to be seen, he complained, "I suppose Jack is gone for cotton again?"
"No," the woman answered solemnly, "Jack died yesterday."
Suspicious that he was being avoided, the collector decided to wait a week and investigate the cemetery himself. But sure enough, there was poor Jack's tombstone, with this inscription: ...
"Gone, But Not for Cotton."
Ever wonder where shaggy dog jokes come from?
A man answered his door to find a boy with a dog on a leash, who asked him,
“Are you the man who put in the ad about a lost dog?"
"Yes I did," the man replied.
Medium size?”
“Yes,” says the man.
“Light brown?”
“Yes.”
“Slight limp?”
“Yes.”
“Answers to Rex?”
“Yes.”
“Shaggy coat?”
The man peers at the dog and says, “Not that shaggy.”
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Axiomatic JOW
I am trying to wean myself from the tyranny of Microsoft by shifting to OpenOffice. It is a pretty good program, but I do not have all of its features quite down yet, so that will be my excuse for any errors you might notice in the new few (dozen) JOWs.
Mary Ellen offered a couple of submissions this week including this one.
If you hear a "loud rumble" tonight in the sky, don't worry.
It's not thunder.
It's Elvis beatin' the crap out of Michael Jackson for marrying his daughter.
But it was Bil who provided the best offerings with these:
Axioms for Today
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?
She was lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
He's not dead. He's electroencephalographically challenged.
She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Julyflower.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Despite the high cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
You can't have everything, where would you put it?
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
Shin: A device for finding furniture..
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it..
When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
And finally, Bil's favorite modern Axiom:
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
WAYS YOU KNOW THE ECONOMY IS BAD. . .
You got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
HotWheels and Matchbox car companies are trading higher than GM in the stock market.
Obama met with small businesses - GE, Pfizer, Chrysler, Citigroup and GM, to discuss the Stimulus Package.
McDonald's is selling the “1/4 ouncer”.
The most highly-paid job is jury duty.
Motel Six won't leave the lights on.
The Mafia is laying off judges.
Three quick jokes.
A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, Where did my intelligence come from?'
The father replied, 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine.'
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage and family values.
Stu said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married..... Did you?'
Leroy replied, 'I'm not sure.... What was her maiden name?'
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how
Long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?'
The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'
'Thank you,' the blonde says...... and hangs up.
Mary Ellen offered a couple of submissions this week including this one.
If you hear a "loud rumble" tonight in the sky, don't worry.
It's not thunder.
It's Elvis beatin' the crap out of Michael Jackson for marrying his daughter.
But it was Bil who provided the best offerings with these:
Axioms for Today
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?
She was lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
He's not dead. He's electroencephalographically challenged.
She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Julyflower.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Despite the high cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
You can't have everything, where would you put it?
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
Shin: A device for finding furniture..
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it..
When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
And finally, Bil's favorite modern Axiom:
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
WAYS YOU KNOW THE ECONOMY IS BAD. . .
You got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
HotWheels and Matchbox car companies are trading higher than GM in the stock market.
Obama met with small businesses - GE, Pfizer, Chrysler, Citigroup and GM, to discuss the Stimulus Package.
McDonald's is selling the “1/4 ouncer”.
The most highly-paid job is jury duty.
Motel Six won't leave the lights on.
The Mafia is laying off judges.
Three quick jokes.
A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, Where did my intelligence come from?'
The father replied, 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine.'
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage and family values.
Stu said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married..... Did you?'
Leroy replied, 'I'm not sure.... What was her maiden name?'
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how
Long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?'
The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'
'Thank you,' the blonde says...... and hangs up.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Return of the JOW
We are back from our nice relaxing vacation. We spent lots of time napping and reading. We hardly even heard about all the details of Michael Jackson’s death. There are lots of juicy jokes going around about the “Gloved One” but most, though very funny are utterly tasteless, which, I suppose is why they are so funny.
As to our vacation activities, it was very low key. I even tried to do some fishing. That is why this old joke is so topical.
================
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
==============
For the intellectuals among us.
What is the difference between Bird Flu and Swine Flu?
• For bird flu you need tweetment
• For swine flu you need oinkment.
=================
Okay, here is another leftover alligator joke
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He also had a large pond in the back.
It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, just to look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'
Some old men can still think fast.
===============
Rules of Houston , H-Town, Bayou City , The Dirty 3rd, or whatever you call it.
1. You must learn to pronounce the city name. It is "Hue-stun,"not "Ewe-stun", or "house-tun" Oh yea, the street is pronounced "San Phil-ee-pay," not" San Phil-eep" (San Felipe).
2. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Houston has its own version of traffic rules...Hold on and pray. There is no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase in Houston . We all drive like that.
3. All directions start with, "Go down to Loop 610".... which has no beginning and no end.
4. The Chamber of Commerce calls getting through traffic... a " Scenic Drive ."
5. The morning rush hour is from 6:00AM to 10:00AM. The evening rush hour is from 3:00PM to 7:00PM. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning.
6. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear-ended, cussed out and possibly shot. When you are the first one off the starting line, count to five when the
light turns green before going, to avoid getting into any cross-traffic's way.
7. Kuykendahl Road can only be pronounced by a native Houstonian.
(okay, it’s Kirk In Doll)
8. Construction on I-10, I-45, US 59 and Loop 610 is a way of life and a permanent form of entertainment.
9. All unexplained smells are explained by the phrases, "Oh, we must be in Pasadena!" or "God, I hate Baytown !" or "Mmm, smell that Texas City !"
10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, it is probably a factory defect.
11. All old ladies with blue hair in a pink Cadillac have total right-of-way.
12. The minimum acceptable speed on Loop 610 is 85 mph. Anything less is considered downright sissy. In turn, the minimum speed on Westheimer is at least 45mph.
13. The wrought iron on windows in east Houston is NOT ornamental.
14. Never stare at the driver of the car with the bumper sticker that says, "Keep honking, I'm reloading." In fact, don't honk at anyone.
15. If you are in the left lane, and only going 70 mph in a 60 mph zone, people are not waving when they go by.
16. The Sam Houston Toll road is our daily version of NASCAR.
(See, officer, I was QUALIFYING!!!)
17. If it's 100 degrees, Thanksgiving must be next weekend.
18. When in doubt, remember that all unmarked exits lead to Louisiana.
19. If you live in Katy and I live on the south side of Houston we'll never hang out.
20. The best thing about being drunk between 2-5 am is Whataburger will serve both breakfast and normal menus.
21. You are always able to be pulled over by any police vehicle, even if you were just given a ticket.
22. You don't have to wait for an exit to get off a freeway, just follow the ruts in the grass to the feeder like everyone else. This is how Houston residents notify
Texas Department of Transportation where exits should have been built.
23. Else-where, they are called frontage roads. Here in Houston, they are called FEEDER roads, so don't look stupid when we say "Exit the feeder road and use
the flyover."
If you don't live here, most of this will sound utterly insane, but to all of us who call this home... nothing but the truth and you know it!!!
============
And from Martha for you mega nerds:
At 5 minutes and 6 seconds after 4 a.m., on the 8th of July, this year, the time and date will be: 04:05:06 07-08-09
This will not happen again until the year3009!!!
As to our vacation activities, it was very low key. I even tried to do some fishing. That is why this old joke is so topical.
================
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
==============
For the intellectuals among us.
What is the difference between Bird Flu and Swine Flu?
• For bird flu you need tweetment
• For swine flu you need oinkment.
=================
Okay, here is another leftover alligator joke
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He also had a large pond in the back.
It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, just to look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'
Some old men can still think fast.
===============
Rules of Houston , H-Town, Bayou City , The Dirty 3rd, or whatever you call it.
1. You must learn to pronounce the city name. It is "Hue-stun,"not "Ewe-stun", or "house-tun" Oh yea, the street is pronounced "San Phil-ee-pay," not" San Phil-eep" (San Felipe).
2. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Houston has its own version of traffic rules...Hold on and pray. There is no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase in Houston . We all drive like that.
3. All directions start with, "Go down to Loop 610".... which has no beginning and no end.
4. The Chamber of Commerce calls getting through traffic... a " Scenic Drive ."
5. The morning rush hour is from 6:00AM to 10:00AM. The evening rush hour is from 3:00PM to 7:00PM. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning.
6. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear-ended, cussed out and possibly shot. When you are the first one off the starting line, count to five when the
light turns green before going, to avoid getting into any cross-traffic's way.
7. Kuykendahl Road can only be pronounced by a native Houstonian.
(okay, it’s Kirk In Doll)
8. Construction on I-10, I-45, US 59 and Loop 610 is a way of life and a permanent form of entertainment.
9. All unexplained smells are explained by the phrases, "Oh, we must be in Pasadena!" or "God, I hate Baytown !" or "Mmm, smell that Texas City !"
10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, it is probably a factory defect.
11. All old ladies with blue hair in a pink Cadillac have total right-of-way.
12. The minimum acceptable speed on Loop 610 is 85 mph. Anything less is considered downright sissy. In turn, the minimum speed on Westheimer is at least 45mph.
13. The wrought iron on windows in east Houston is NOT ornamental.
14. Never stare at the driver of the car with the bumper sticker that says, "Keep honking, I'm reloading." In fact, don't honk at anyone.
15. If you are in the left lane, and only going 70 mph in a 60 mph zone, people are not waving when they go by.
16. The Sam Houston Toll road is our daily version of NASCAR.
(See, officer, I was QUALIFYING!!!)
17. If it's 100 degrees, Thanksgiving must be next weekend.
18. When in doubt, remember that all unmarked exits lead to Louisiana.
19. If you live in Katy and I live on the south side of Houston we'll never hang out.
20. The best thing about being drunk between 2-5 am is Whataburger will serve both breakfast and normal menus.
21. You are always able to be pulled over by any police vehicle, even if you were just given a ticket.
22. You don't have to wait for an exit to get off a freeway, just follow the ruts in the grass to the feeder like everyone else. This is how Houston residents notify
Texas Department of Transportation where exits should have been built.
23. Else-where, they are called frontage roads. Here in Houston, they are called FEEDER roads, so don't look stupid when we say "Exit the feeder road and use
the flyover."
If you don't live here, most of this will sound utterly insane, but to all of us who call this home... nothing but the truth and you know it!!!
============
And from Martha for you mega nerds:
At 5 minutes and 6 seconds after 4 a.m., on the 8th of July, this year, the time and date will be: 04:05:06 07-08-09
This will not happen again until the year3009!!!
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Alligator JOW
We have lots of hot and dry jokes these days such as: “We have catfish a 12” long that haven’t learned how to swim yet.” It is really hot. The weathermen, in their continuing effort to make things look as bad as possible have invented a “feel’s like” Heat Index that takes into account our dreadful humidity. So we have temperatures of 99 with a Heat Index of 104. Meanwhile, over in Phoenix, Dave and Janet are putting up with a typical Arizona summer day with actual temperatures of 108.
To get a break, Ruth and I will take next week off and spend our time loafing about on a houseboat on the St. John’s River in central Florida, so I may have to have a break in the JOW chain. Ruth has decided she will not swim in any river that she has to share with gators, the big sissy. So my theme this week is ALLIGATORS!
On a vacation to Florida, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?!"
"No," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"
Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"
"Oh," the beachcomber said. "The sharks got 'em."
Alligator shoes:
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana.
She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll catch yourself a big one!"
Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand.
Just then, he saw a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.
The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back and, frustrated, shouts out,
"Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!
A Yankee was being led through the swamps of Louisiana by a friend.
"Is it true that an alligator won' t attack you if you carry a flashlight?"
His friend smirked and replied, "Depends on how fast you carry the flashlight."
That reminds me of a lawyer/alligator joke
A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender "Do you serve lawyers here?" "Sure do," replied the bartender. "Good," said the customer, "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my gator."
And one non-gator joke:
Two friends meet on the street after not having seen each other for some
time. One of them is using crutches.
"What's the matter with you?" asks his friend.
"Bus accident," says the man on crutches.
"When did that happen?"
"About six weeks ago."
"And you still have to use crutches?" the friend asks.
"Well," says the man, "my doctor says I could get along without
them, but my lawyer says I can't.
To get a break, Ruth and I will take next week off and spend our time loafing about on a houseboat on the St. John’s River in central Florida, so I may have to have a break in the JOW chain. Ruth has decided she will not swim in any river that she has to share with gators, the big sissy. So my theme this week is ALLIGATORS!
On a vacation to Florida, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?!"
"No," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"
Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"
"Oh," the beachcomber said. "The sharks got 'em."
Alligator shoes:
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana.
She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll catch yourself a big one!"
Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand.
Just then, he saw a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.
The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back and, frustrated, shouts out,
"Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!
A Yankee was being led through the swamps of Louisiana by a friend.
"Is it true that an alligator won' t attack you if you carry a flashlight?"
His friend smirked and replied, "Depends on how fast you carry the flashlight."
That reminds me of a lawyer/alligator joke
A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender "Do you serve lawyers here?" "Sure do," replied the bartender. "Good," said the customer, "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my gator."
And one non-gator joke:
Two friends meet on the street after not having seen each other for some
time. One of them is using crutches.
"What's the matter with you?" asks his friend.
"Bus accident," says the man on crutches.
"When did that happen?"
"About six weeks ago."
"And you still have to use crutches?" the friend asks.
"Well," says the man, "my doctor says I could get along without
them, but my lawyer says I can't.
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