Star Nerds JOW #1109

 

It is the start of the Holiday Season beginning with Thanksgiving.  I am thankful for a lot of things.  Things like science fiction and the Star Trek and Star Wars franchises.   Star Wars is a lot of fun, but if I had been a Jedi knight there is a 100% chance I would use the force inappropriately.  I have some themed jokes on the subject, then a few nerdy jokes and eventually I devolve into more or less random jokes.  I hope you enjoy them and are thankful for our many blessing.

Trying to come up with jokes about Star Wars is difficult.  Most of them seem a bit too forced. 

+++++++++++++

Remember when Harrison Ford broke his ankle during filming?
It resulted in a whole new "Star Wars" cast.

 

Why did the Star Wars movies come out as 4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3?
In charge of scheduling, Yoda was.

 

Han solo: "Yoda, are we going the right direction?"
Yoda: "Off course we are."

 

Why didn’t any of Luke Skywalker’s marriages last?
He always followed Obi-Wan’s advice: “Use divorce, Luke.”

 

Where did Luke get his cybernetic hand?
The second hand store.

 

What did the dentist say to Luke Skywalker?
May the floss be with you.

 

How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.

 

Stormtroopers in quarantine are like, “I miss people.”
I’m not too sympathetic. They always miss people.

 

How did Darth Vader know what Luke was getting for Christmas?
He felt his presents!

 

Did you know Chuck Norris was in every star wars movie?
He played the force.

 

What is R2D2 short for?
Because he has little legs.

 

What do you call an invisible droid?
C-through-PO.

 

Did you know R2D2 had the foulest dialog in movie history?
They have to bleep out all his words.

 

Does R2D2 have any brothers?
Nope, only transistors.

 

What do you need to reroute droids?
R2-Detour.

 

What do you call a droid that takes the long way around?
R2 Detour.

 

They are going to make a Star Wars pirate story starring Arrrr2 D2.

 

Of all the many creatures created for Star Wars, Ewoks are the strangest.  They look like homeless care bears that sold their magic powers for drugs.

 

Did you know Fozzie Bear was in Star Wars?
He was a Ewokka-wokka!

 

A newbie once accidentally attended a Star Trek convention dressed as Chewbacca from Star Wars. That’s a Wookie mistake!

 

Then there is Star Trek.  I always liked the Next Generation best.  Here are a few things you would never hear the main characters say

Picard: Good work, Counselor. If you hadn't told us those aliens had hostile intent, we would have been completely fooled by their plan"

Crusher: Jean-Luc, since the ship is in no danger at all, and we're not about to die, there's something I want to tell you...

Geordi: The... doohicky... has gone all... funny, making that gizmo light up...the one that means the warp engines are... ya know... all messed up.

Worf: Ouch! I got a paper cut!

Picard: Captain's Log, Stardate... damn. What's the date? Number One, what's today? No, I know it's Tuesday, what's the date? The STARdate!!

A Starfleet Admiral: Don't worry about it, Picard, there are plenty of other ships in your quadrant.

Troi (to someone she is counseling): You've obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a damn! Now get out!

 

Approximately how many ears does Mr. Spock have? There are three. The left ear, the right ear, and finally the final front ear.

 

If Spock has pointy ears what did Scotty have? Engineers!

 

What was the working title for Star Trek III: The Search for Spock?

Finding Nimoy

 

A starship captain bought a sub-light speed propulsion system that he didn't need?

It was an impulse purchase.

Some other-nerdly jokes

A group of protesters in front of a physics lab:

“What do we want?”

“Time travel”

“When do we want it?”

“Irrelevant.”

 

The Romans never found Algebra difficult.  Their X was always a 10.

 

Protons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.

 

Have faith in the Pfizer vaccine.  Don’t forget they make Viagra.  If they can raise the dead they can save the living.

 

Everybody remembers Karl Marx, the inventor of communism but nobody remembers his sister Onya, the inventor of the starting pistol.

 

A Freudian slip...is when you say one thing but really mean your mother.

Schrodinger gets pulled over by a police officer. The cop is very serious, and starts to search the trunk for anything suspicious.

Police man: “Do you know there’s a dead cat in here?”

Schrodinger: “Well, I do now!”

 

What Do You Get When You Cross a Cow With an Octopus?

A meeting with the ethics committee and the swift removal of your research funding.

 

What Do You Get When You Put Root Beer In A Square Glass?

Beer.

 

And finally one from out of nowhere

A man went into a seafood restaurant and asked for a lobster tail. The waitress smiled sweetly and said, “Once upon a time there was this handsome lobster…”

Medico JOW #1108

 I consider myself a lifelong learner.  I certainly enjoy learning new things.  I learned two weeks ago, for example, that I needed another stent, which was duly installed.  During my recovery I got to learn all sorts of acronyms like CHD and CHF.  Interesting stuff if somewhat alarming.  I also learned that a cardiologist is not a doctor who brings you cards.  All that got me thinking on the subject of the medical profession.  There is an abundance of humor on that sometimes grim theme.  Here are a few jokes on that theme:

·         Why is the President demanding everyone get vaccinated?  He likes to call the shots.

·         You should look up to surgeons who successfully help people lose weight through liposuction? What they do takes guts.

·         Why does everyone love cardiac surgeons? They touch so many people's hearts.

·         How did a junior surgeon get entry into a prestigious surgical conference? He made the cut.

·         Where do plastic surgeon get all of the new noses from? They buy them from the olfactory.

·         How did your friend's hepatectomy go? We weren't sure that it was going to be successful at first, but thankfully the surgeons de-livered.

·         What did the nurse tell the surgeon when he asked her how the girl who swallowed some coins was doing? ‘We haven't seen any change yet.’

 

Some ‘self-help’ medical jokes

 

Have you heard about that new do-it-yourself orthodontist? Brace yourself

 

My doctor was really supportive when the patient told him that he was going to administer anesthesia to himself before the surgery. He told me to knock myself out.

 

And then the patient demanded that he sew up his own wound? ‘Fine, suture self,’ said the doctor.

 

A doctor come in to see his new patient.  “You tell me you have neurofibromatosis.  Can you please tell me what that is?”

^^^^^^

A doctor was checking his schedule two hours before his shift was over to see how many operations he had left. "Three done, tumor to go", muttered the doctor when he saw the schedule.

 

I've decided to drop the idea of being a cardiac surgeon. I don't have the heart to complete medical school.

^^^^^^

I’d never had surgery, and I was nervous. “This is a very simple, noninvasive procedure,” the anesthesiologist reassured me. I felt better, until he continued … “Heck, you have a better chance of dying from the anesthesia than the surgery itself.”

Before heading off to Mexico on vacation, a woman asked her doctor for medicine to ward off any potential stomach troubles. Instead, the doctor prescribed bottled water and electrolytes, “which have simple sugars and salt.”

She liked that. “Oh, like a margarita?”

 .....

A woman was in the emergency room when a young male nurse came in to ask routine medical questions.

Nurse: Have you ever had a hysterectomy?

Woman: Yes.

Nurse: When?

Woman: 2011.

Nurse: Do you think you could be pregnant?

Woman: Do you think this is the right career for you?

========

Our doctor’s office called to let my husband know that the results from his blood tests came back and he was just fine. That didn’t suit my husband.

“What’s my cholesterol level?” he asked.

“Mr. Crocker, you are just fine,” insisted the nurse.

“Still, I’d like you to mail me the results.”

A few days later, he received a postcard from the doctor’s office. It read, “Mr. Crocker, you are just fine!”

+++++

Phlebotomist: I’m here to draw some blood. 

Patient: But I just received blood yesterday. 

Phlebotomist: You didn’t think you’d get to keep it, did you?

~~~~~

After a checkup, a doctor asked his patient, “Is there anything you’d like to discuss?”

“Well,” said the patient, “I was thinking about getting a vasectomy.”

“That’s a big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?”

“Yes, we took a vote … and they’re in favor of it 9 to 2.

-----

Three guys are fishing when an angel appears and offers healing for them.

The first guy says, “I’ve suffered from back pain for years. Can you help me?”

The angel touches the man’s back, and he feels instant relief.

The second guy points to his thick glasses and begs for a cure for his poor eyesight. When the angel tosses the lenses into the lake, the man gains 20/20 vision. As the angel turns to the third fellow, he instantly recoils and screams,

“Don’t touch me! I’m on disability!”

Some pet medico jokes

The best doctor in the world is the veterinarian. He can't ask his patients what is the matter – he's got to just know.  - Will Rogers

It was time for my dog's annual checkup. Following the vet's instructions, I collected a stool sample and dropped it in a plastic container before we left for his office. When we arrived, I handed the sample to the receptionist, who immediately cracked a smile. The container read "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter."

 

And finally on of my favorite jokes

An elderly man goes in to his clinic for a checkup. After examining him and reviewing his labs, his clinician tells him, ‘Everything is fine, especially for your age.’

‘For my age?’ asks the patient. I am only 71. Do you think I can make it to 90?’

‘Well’, said the clinician, ‘do you drink or smoke?’

‘No’, said the man.

‘Do you eat fatty meat or sweets?’

‘No’, the patient replied. ‘I am very cautious about my diet.’

‘Do you engage in any high-risk behaviors like skiing or sky-diving?’

‘Of course not! I always play it safe.’

The clinician thought a moment. ‘Well, then why in the world would you want to live to be 90?’

 

 

 

 

JOW #1107 Marriage Wars JOW

 We have all heard about, and experienced the battle of the sexes.  Those fortunate enough to be married know that it is a more or less constant conflict; but in a good way – mostly.  Just remember that forty eight percent of all marriages end in IKEA.  

I have included some marital warfare jokes below for your amusement.

~~~~~~~

Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings ... and lawyers. – Richard Pryor

 

I just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number? 

 

Husband walks into the room.

Wife- “Well, well, well.  If it isn’t the man who let a snake bite me in my dream last night.”

 

If I have to choose between a husband and shoes, I choose shoes. They tend to last longer and are easier to replace. – Donna B.

 

Be right back.  My wife is in the kitchen and I need to go stand in front of the cabinet she’s about to open.

 

My wife used to use the silent treatment until she learned that I loved it.

 

My wife and I have entered into that part of the relationship where when she says “I need you” it means moving furniture or killing a bug.

 

My wife divorced me recently because I’m a compulsive gambler. All I can think about now is how to win her back.

 

I am not divorcing you.  I am just re-defining your role.

 

What’s the difference between love and marriage? Love is blind and marriage is an eye-opener.

 

Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

 

My wife came home with an escalator yesterday…she said it was marked down…

 

My wife is always cold, but lately she’s getting hot flashes.  So no matter what the temperature is I’m an asshole.

 

My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment.

 

My husband treats me like a god. He ignores my existence and only talks to me when he needs something.

 

My wife cooks for me like I’m a god—by placing burnt offerings before me every night.

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

 

Husband looks at his wife in surprise, "Wow darling, you look all different and nice today! Is that a new hairdo?"
The wife hisses from behind him, "I’m over here, Arnold!"

 

I lent my girlfriend a lot of money for cosmetic surgery a while ago. I’ve been trying to get it back now for weeks.  Problem is, I’ve no idea what she looks like now.

 

When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.

 

Wife – “I’m going to Target.”

Husband – “What do you need at Target?”

Wife – “Target will tell me what I need.”

 

A retired rancher decided to go back to school. He made an appointment with the dean of admissions at a university.

The dean asked him, “Are you pursuing a bachelor’s degree?”

The rancher replied, “I want to, but I can’t. I’m still married.”

 

A husband was standing in front of the bathroom mirror one evening admiring his reflection, when he posed this question to my wife of 20 years: “Will you still love me when I’m old, fat, and balding?”

She answered, “I do.” 

 

Marriage counselor – “Okay let’s reflect on last week’s session.

Dracula – “I can’t reflect on anything.”

Dracula’s wife – “Are you even going to try to take this seriously?”

 

Marriage Counselor: So, what brings you here today?

Wife: He takes everything literally.  I can’t stand it.

Husband: (At the same time) My truck.

 

A clairvoyant to a man, “I can see you are the father of 3 kids.”
The man smiles smugly, “No, I have 4 kids.”
The clairvoyant, “That’s what you think.”

 

A husband and a wife are having dinner at a nice restaurant. The woman drops some tomato sauce on her white top. "Oh no, I look like a pig!"
The man nods, "Also, you dropped some tomato sauce on your shirt!"

 

My girlfriend asked me to tell her all my previous girlfriends, chronologically. From beginning to end.
OK. I probably should have finished when I got to her name.

>>>>> 

 

“Will marry me?”
“No.”
Two hours of uncomfortable silence in the hot air balloon.

  (   )    (    )    (    )

           

Darling, I think the new dryer is shrinking my clothes.”
“No, sweetie that was the fridge.”

 

Men 1845: I just killed a buffalo.
Men 1952: I just fixed the roof.
Men 2021: I just shaved my legs.

 

Do you know why women aren’t allowed in space?
To avoid scenarios like: "Houston, we have a problem!"
"What is the problem?"
"Yeah, great, pretend like you don’t know what I’m talking about!"

 

A wife complains to her husband: “Just look at that couple down the road, how lovely they are. He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her, why can’t you do the same?”
The husband: “Are you crazy? I barely know the woman!”

 

My friend Mike had the solution to forgetting his wife’s birthday and their wedding anniversary: He opened an account with a local florist and provided it with both dates as well as instructions to send flowers and a card signed ‘Your loving husband, Mike.’ For a few years, it worked. Then one day, Mike came home on their wedding anniversary. He saw the flowers on the dining room table and said, “What nice flowers. Where did you get them?” 

 

And finally

A weeping woman bursts into her hypnotherapist’s office and declares, “Doctor, I have been faithful to my husband for 15 years, but yesterday I broke that trust and had an affair! The guilt is killing me. I just want to forget that it ever happened!”

The hypnotherapist shakes his head. “Not again …”

Grab bag JOW #1106

I have returned from my Colorado hunting adventure.  Apparently I brought winter back with me as it was cold and rainy all the way back to Texas.  Going over Monarch Pass (11,300 feet) in November was ‘interesting’; it has been a while since I have driven over ice and snow.  I really don’t have a theme for my humor this week, just a bunch a random jokes that I found funny.  I hope you do, too.

_____________

 

I recently took a language class. We learned about oxymorons.  It was a lot of fun; there were a lot of examples:

freezer burn;

original copy;

exact estimate;

truthful politician;

caring insurance,

Microsoft Works

~~~

Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection, except one. He’s never gonna give you Up.

‘’’’’

I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.

++++

What do you call dangerous precipitation? A rain of terror.

======

“I stand corrected,” said the man in the orthopedic shoes.

>>>>> 

I asked my North Korean friend how it was over there, he said he couldn’t complain.

<<<<<< 

Recently I introduced two of my lisping friends to each other.
After a short but rough fist fight they realized that neither was mocking the other one.

^^^^^

A wife goes to consult a psychiatrist about her husband: “My husband is acting so weird. He drinks his morning coffee and then he goes and eats the mug! He only leaves the handle!”
Psychiatrist: “Yes, that is weird. The handle is the best part. “

-------

Late one night, a preacher was driving on a country road and had a wreck. A farmer stopped and said, "Sir, are you okay?"

The preacher said, "Yes, I had the Lord riding with me."

The farmer said, "Well, you better let him ride with me, because you're gonna kill him."

 

‘Ageisms’ from Dick

~The things you used to care to do, you no longer care to do, but you really do care that you don't care to do them anymore.

~You sleep better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring than in bed. It's called "pre-sleep".

~You miss the days when everything worked with just an "ON" and "OFF" switch.

~You tend to use more 4 letter words ... "what?"..."when?"... "what?" . ???

~Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it's not safe to wear it anywhere.

~What used to be freckles are now liver spots.

~Everybody mumbles.

~You have three sizes of clothes in your closet.... two of which you will never wear.

…..

You know you’re getting old when your insurance company sends you half a calendar.

 

I don’t have life insurance because I’m going out of this world the way I came into it… as a burden to my family.

 

Signs of the times

 

Sign on a shoe repair shop window:   

  We will heel you

  We will save your sole

  We will even dye for you.

 

A sign on a blinds & curtain truck:

   “Blind man driving.”

 

Sign over a gynecologist’s office:

   "Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”

 

In a podiatrist's office:

   "Time wounds all heels.”

 

On a septic tank truck:

   “Yesterday’s meals on wheels”

 

At an optometrist's office:

   "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

 

On a plumber's truck:

   "We repair what your husband fixed.”

 

On another plumber's truck:

    "Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”

 

At a car dealership:

    "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.”

 

Outside a muffler shop:

    "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”

 

 At the electric company:

    "We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time.  

      However, if you don't, you will be de-lighted.”

 

In a restaurant window:

    "Don’t stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up.”

 

In a radiator shop:

    "Best place in town to take a leak.”

 

An apartment building is on fire and a woman screams out the window for help.
“Just jump out the window,” a man yells. “I’m a baseball player. I can catch you.”
“Wait,” she says. “What team do you play for?”
“The Cincinnati Reds,” shouts the man.
“Ehhhh,” shrugs the woman. “I’ll take my chances with the fire.”

------

Three farmers were sitting at the local cafe drinking coffee. The subject of the lottery and what they would do if they won came up.
"I think I would take some time off and go on a cruise. I've always wanted to go on a cruise." said the first farmer.
"First thing I would do is buy a fancy sports car. I've always wanted a fast car." said the second farmer.
The third farmer was sitting quietly, fidgeting a little. "Come on, what would you do with your millions?" Asked the other two farmers.
Reluctantly the third farmer answered "I reckon I would just go on farming like I have been until the money runs out."               

+++++

The CEO at Euro A Bank Ltd got economists thinking when he said:

"A cyclist is a disaster for a country's economy. He does not buy a car and does not take out a car loan. Does not buy car insurance. Does not buy fuel. Does not send his car for servicing and repairs. Does not use paid parking. Does not become obese.
Yes - and he stays well, damn it!! Healthy people are not needed for an economy.
They do not buy drugs. They do not go to hospitals and doctors. They take too long to die, depriving funeral homes of high casket charges. They add nothing to a country's GDP.
On the contrary, every new McDonald's outlet creates at least 30 jobs: 10 cardiologists, 10 dentists, 10 weight-loss experts apart from the people working in the McDonald's outlet.
Walking is even worse.
These people don't even buy a bicycle!!"

 

Seaspeak JOW #1105

Ten Russian and Chinese ships recently conducted their first ever military exercise together in the Pacific.  This was probably in response to recent big joint exercise held off Japan by seven different nations which included four (4) aircraft carriers from three nations.  Coronavirus cases have been reported onboard the British Navy's flagship HMS Queen Elizabeth.  Other ships in the fleet were told to keep their distance as she's a carrier.

English is the mandated international language of the air.  An Iranian airliner landing in Indonesia talks to the tower in English. Likewise, English has been recognized as Seaspeak, the international language of the sea since 1988.  That means that when the Chinese and Russian fleets tried to work together all their voice communications were in English.  I find that amusing.  Of course, there are language differences within our own services:If the Secretary of Defense directed members of different services to secure a building.

The Navy personnel turn off the lights and lock the door.
The Army personnel would occupy the building and ensured no one could enter.
The Marines would attack, capture it, and set up defenses.
The Air Force would negotiate a two-year lease with an option to buy.

 

Each branch has a military ball (Navy Ball, Army Ball, etc.)

Now we have Space Command.

And it warms my heart to know that one branch will be having "Space Balls" from here on out.

++++

Did you know Navy ships run on commercial batteries?

They run on 7 C's

^^^^^^

In the French Navy, it's considered unlucky to have the number 5 in a ship's name...

Because all of the ships with that number in their name... cinq

>>>>> 

What happens when you eat too many Navy beans?

You might end up with a dishonorable discharge.

------

A Navy Seal was being interviewed by a news personality.   Discussing all the countries he had been sent to she asked him, “Did you have to learn several languages?”

“No, ma’am, we don’t go there to talk.”

^^^^^

A Navy SEAL, an Army Ranger and a Delta Operator walk into a bar...

The Delta Operator orders a shot of whisky, the Army Ranger has a beer, and the Navy SEAL writes a book about it.

```````

I was thinking a bit about Bin Laden. He stayed at home with three wives for five years. I'm beginning to suspect he called the Navy Seals himself

~~~~~

A Navy Seal walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his new Apple watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "just got this state-of-the-art Apple watch, and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
He says, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"
The Navy man smiled, taped his watch and said, "Darn thing's an hour fast."

*****

Two cops are standing by the street side in New York City. A foreigner approaches them looking slightly panicked.  "Parlez vous Francais?" He asks them.

The cops, not knowing a word of French merely shrug their shoulders at the man.
Frustrated, he asks them, "Ustedes hablan español?" Again, the cops merely shrug.
The foreigner continues with the same result with Dutch, Russian, and German. Eventually, he leaves, knowing that there's no hope for him to communicate with the officers.
"I keep telling you we should learn more languages!" says one cop to the other.
"Why?" he responds. "That man knows five, and it didn't get him anywhere."

>>>>>> 

The crusty Navy Master Chief noticed a new face and barked at him, "Get over here! What's your name, sailor?"
"John," the new seaman replied.
"Look, I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they're teaching sailors in boot camp these days, but I don't call anyone by his first name," the chief scowled.
"It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my sailors by their last names only; Smith, Jones, Baker, Jackson, whatever.
And you are to refer to me as 'Chief.’ Do I make myself clear?"
"Aye, Aye, Chief!"
"Now that we've got that straight, what's your last name?"
The seaman sighed. "Darling, My name is John Darling, Chief."
"Okay, John, here's what I want you to do ...."

_____

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn’t long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones’ sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: “If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don’t have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000.  Now,” he concluded, “which group do you think they are going to send into battle first?”

++++++

A navy officer on a submarine doing his first inspection of a submarine noticed something odd...

There was what looked like a frying pan handle sticking out of the floor of the sub! The officer did some more looking around, and saw more strange things sticking out of the floor: golf clubs, clothes irons, car bumpers, and even half a bicycle!
Alarmed by this, he went up to the sub commander’s office and asked what this was all about. The commander explained to him that due to cost cutting efforts, this particular submarine was built using extensive amounts of recycled metal.
The officer, still not understanding, replied, “But they did such a terrible job! I can still see shoddy bits of the original material all around the ship!”
The captain smiled sadly with a knowing look and said, “Son, that’s just the irony of this sub... **this whole thing is a joke**”

 

 

  

Sporting Season JOW #1104

 

It is the busy time for sports.  For a few weeks all four of the major spectator sports are in play.  In fact, with great days for golf and tennis, not to mention fishing and hunting going on it is a regular sportsman paradise.   Here are some sports related jokes along with a brief inspiring story.

 -------------------

What vegetable can work as a sports announcer?

A common tater.

 

Due to lack of professional sports, ESPN televised the World Origami Championships.

It was paper view.

 

A man leaves home, makes three left turns, and is on his way back home when he notices two men in masks waiting for him.
They’re the catcher and umpire.

 

Did you hear? Detroit is building a new stadium at an undisclosed location.
They’re keeping it a secret because they’re afraid the Tigers might find out and try to play there.

 

Why did the Dodgers hire a baker?
They needed a new batter.

 

Why can’t basketball players go on vacation?
They aren’t allowed to travel.

 

My neighbor asked if I could pitch in money to help him buy the world's largest piece of sports equipment, and then get five of my friends to go in also.

I refused. I know it's just a big racket.

 

Why do football players like smart women?
Opposites attract.

 

How do you make Houston Texans cookies?
Put them in a bowl and beat them for three hours.

 

Where do football players go when they need new uniforms?
New Jersey.

 

Hockey players are like goldfish.
Just tap on the glass to get their attention.

 

What’s the difference between hockey and wrestling?
In hockey, the fights are real.

 

Why didn’t Jesus play hockey?
Because soccer and baseball are much more popular in Latin America.

 ``````````````````

A football coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there. So what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play."

The player agreed, and the coach looked into his eyes intently and asks, "Okay, now concentrate... what is two plus two?"

The player thought for a moment and then he answered, "4?"

 "Did you say 4?!?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he got it right.

At that, all the other players on the team began screaming, "Come on coach, give him another chance!"

There is even horse racing going on.

A man buys a train ticket on April 4. The ticket costs $44 and he notices that the ticket number is 4444. He finds the train at platform 4 and his seat is in train car 4, seat number 44. The train leaves at exactly 4:44.
When he arrives, he goes to the hotel that is on 44 West 44th Street and for some reason the hotel room number is 444.
The man is spooked by all these fours following him, but he gets an idea. He goes to the race track and places a $4,444 bet on horse number 4.
And, believe it or not, horse number 4 finishes at 4th place.

All kinds of sports jokes.

Doctor: “Do you do sports?”
Patient: “Does sex count?”
Doctor: “Yes.”
Patient: “Then no.”

And finally, an inspiring rags to riches story.

Every morning, the CEO of a large bank in New York walks to the corner where a shoe shine is always located. He sits on the couch, examines the Wall Street Journal, and the shoe shine gives his shoes a shiny, excellent look.
One morning the shoeshine asks the Executive Director:
-What do you think about the situation in the stock market?
The Director asks in turn arrogantly:
-Why are you so interested in that? Do you have money to invest?
"I have a million dollars in your bank," the shoeshine says, "and I'm considering investing some of the money in the capital market."
“What's your name?” Asks the Director.
“John Smith.”
The Director arrives at the bank and asks the Manager of the Customer Service: “Do we have a client named John Smith?”
“Certainly,” answers the Customer Service Manager.  “He has a million dollars in his account.”
The Director comes out, approaches the shoeshine, and says: “Mr. Smith, I ask you this coming Monday to be the guest of honor at our board meeting and tell us the story of your life. I am sure we will have something to learn from you.”
At the board meeting, the Executive Director introduces him to the board members:
“We all know Mr. Smith, who makes our shoes shine in the corner; But Mr. Smith is also our esteemed customer with a million dollars in his account. I invited him to tell us the story of his life. I am sure we can learn from him.”
Mr. Smith began his story: “I came to this country fifty years ago as a young immigrant from Europe with an unpronounceable name. I got off the ship without a penny. The first thing I did was change my name to Smith. I was hungry and exhausted. I started wandering around looking for a job but to no avail.”
“Suddenly I found a coin on the sidewalk. I bought an apple. I had two options: eat the apple and quench my hunger or start a business. I sold the apple for two dollars and bought two apples with the money I also sold them and continued in business. When I started accumulating dollars, I was able to buy a set of used brushes and shoe polish and started polishing shoes.”
“I didn't spend a penny on entertainment or clothing, I just bought bread and some cheese to survive. I saved penny by penny and after a while, I bought a new set of shoe brushes and ointments in different shades and expanded my clientele. I lived like a monk and saved penny by penny. After a while I was able to buy an armchair so that my clients could sit comfortably while cleaning their shoes, and that brought me more clients. I did not spend a penny on the joys of life. I kept saving every penny. A few years ago, when the previous shoe shine on the corner decided to retire, I had already saved enough money to buy his shoeshine location at this great place.”
“Then, three months ago, my sister, who was a hooker in Chicago, passed away and left me a million dollars from her life insurance.”

 

 

New York, New York? JOW #1103

You hear lots about how the quality of life in big cities like New York is going downhill.  But New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time – most of the time unsolved.  But there is humor in everything.  Here are some New York jokes for your amusement.

++++++++++++

 

New York City tried to hold a nice New Year's Eve party.

But they dropped the ball.

 

Did you know you're 10 times more likely to be robbed in your home town than in New York City?

That's because you don't live in New York City

 

I just read that someone gets stabbed in New York City every 46 seconds.

Poor guy.

 

North Korea now has a missile that can reach New York City, and I think that's really scary.

If it can make it there, it can make it anywhere.

 

Scene from a NYC courtroom:
“Your Honor, I want to bring to your attention how unfair it is for my client to be accused of theft. He arrived in New York City a week ago and barely knew his way around. What's more, he only speaks a few words of English."
The judge looked at the defendant and asked, "How much English can you speak?  Say something."
The defendant looked up and said, "Give me your wallet!"

^^^^^

"According to a new report, Nigeria owes New York City over $500,000 in unpaid parking tickets for its foreign diplomats. Nigeria apologized and said they'll pay the fines right away if they we send them our bank account number, our PIN, and our mother's maiden name." 

>>>> 

According to the Centers for Disease Control, the largest single transmission of deadly germs is a handshake. You're lucky, because the most popular form of greeting in New York is the middle finger.

<<<<< 

In Germany and many parts of Europe, McDonald's actually serve beer. You can even get a beer with your happy meal.  A German tourist walked into a McDonald's in New York City and ordered a beer. The New Yorker the line behind him immediately gives him the jab: "They don't serve BEER here, you MORON!"

The German fellow turns to the New Yorker with a surprised look, and begins to laugh.
"And what's so funny?" the New Yorker demands.
"Oh, nothing really, I just realized that you came here for the food while sober."

 

NYC will undoubtedly be the last holdout for taxi cabs.  Here are some NYC cab jokes.

 

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.

``````

A naked, clearly inebriated woman jumps into the back of a NYC taxi cab...

The old cab driver, opened his eyes wide and began to stare at her but made no attempt to start the cab.
The woman said “What's wrong, honey? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"
The old cabbie says, “Let me tell you something lady, I wasn't staring at you like you think. That wouldn't be proper.”
The woman responded "What are you doing then?"
He paused for a moment and said "Well, miss, I'm just trying to figure out where you're keeping the money to pay for this ride"

~~~~~~

An Israeli tourist on a visit to New York City hires a cab to drive him around the sights.

He engages the driver in small talk to get better acquainted.
"Where are you from?" he asks.
"I'm from Palestine" says the cab driver proudly, "and you?
"I'm from Narnia."
"Bullshit, that place doesn't exist" says the cab driver.
"Well, you started it" says the Israeli.

______

An elderly priest dies and goes to heaven.

He soon finds himself in a line of souls going to St. Peter to enter heaven. In no time at all there's only one person in front of him.
St Peter tells the man "ah yes, state your name and occupation"
The man replies " Will Snikket, taxi driver in New York City"
St Peter looks at his list for a moment and says "yes, take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the kingdom of the Lord"
The priest is next, St Peter asks him " your name and occupation"
"Father Samuel, minister of the church of God", the priest eagerly replies.
After perusing his list for a moment St Peter looks at the priest and says " very well, take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the kingdom of the Lord"
At hearing this the priest is indignant, " what, but I've been faithfully serving the lord all my life, why did that taxi driver get such amazing treatment compared to me".
St Peter stares silently at the priest. Finally he replies, " my child, up here we work by results. While you preached people slept, but while he drove, people prayed".

And finally.

Three men one from Florida, one from Texas, and one from New York all die and go to hell

When they get there they see a big red phone and they asked Satan what it's for, he says it's for calling earth but it's super expensive.

The man from Texas says "Great I would love to call my hometown in Dallas" he talks for 30 minutes hours and Satan charges him half a million dollars.

The man from Florida says he would love to call his hometown in Miami Beach so he calls and speaks for an hour and Satan charges him a million.

The man from New York says he would love to call his hometown in ,o he calls and speaks for three hours and Satan charges him three dollars.
Enraged the men from Texas and Florida ask Satan why it was so cheap for a call to New York?
“Well”, says Satan, “ever since Mayor de Blasio got elected and New York went to hell - it's a local call.”